Face to the Floor

Things have been busy and hard. We visited Sir's family for Thanksgiving, then I picked up family and traveled to Virginia for a family reunion of sorts. Back to New York after the weekend, and I spent a few days redoing my mom's bedroom, painting and putting up a fabric wall.

Sprinkled between all of this has been problems with my cat and myself. I continue to have weird symptoms and tests so far are pointing to a problem with my thyroid. I'm getting another test tomorrow.

And my poor kitty. He recently dropped a ton of weight, and has been vomiting. I brought him in to the vet and after a few tests, it was confirmed that he has advanced lymphoma in his stomach. He's an older cat, but he's part of the family. He was also my dad's cat for a long time, so the thought of losing him feels like losing a piece of my dad.

Keep positive thoughts coming for my brave boy.

After much agonizing, we chose to do a month of chemotherapy after which we'll see how he is doing and evaluate either to continue if he is responding, or to go to palliative care.

I don't want to let funding sway what is best for my little buddy, so we're going for it, but I am so stressed out with finances and how I'm going to pay for all this. Even with Sir working... it's like any time I get a little headway, something happens and takes the place of any financial relief, and then some. I'm just digging a hole.

Yesterday, Sir decided that he was going to help me. He can't fix the kitty. He can't make me less depressed about everything going on. But he can help financially. He told me to make a list of every bill that I pay, complete with monthly amount, total amount, account numbers, everything.

I really didn't want to. I don't want him to have to be responsible for me like that. Yes, we take care of each other, but I suppose I viewed it sort of as - if I were doing everything right, he wouldn't have to help me. I tried explaining how I felt to Sir, complete with "but I don't want to" (but never I'm not going to). Still, he'd had enough. He got up mid sentence and calmly walked into the center of the room. He told me to join him. I stopped talking, and very nervously approached him. For some reason I thought he was going to hug me (his stance, perhaps). Instead, he grabbed a fistful of my hair, pulling me down, bringing me to my knees. Then he yanked harder, pulling my face right to the floor. I really wished I had swept/mopped at that moment.

He informed me that he *IS* helping me this way. I *WILL* make him the list and that is the end of it.

"Do you understand?"

"...uh huh."

He yanks on my hair.

"Yes, Sir!"

I made him a spreadsheet with the information he wanted. I still feel awkward about it.

But I emailed it to him today, nonetheless. I guess it is just another level of control that he has. Hopefully with this help from Sir, divine help will also come for the kitty and for me.

A Choker

When I was out shopping recently (a necessity for a wedding), it seemed that every store had chokers for sale. On somewhat of a whim, I bought one. I wore it out for Sir's birthday dinner. It is velvet with a round sparkly charm threaded through it.

Since I wore a purple velvet top and a black velvet skirt to dinner, it matched quite nicely.

I also wore it out to a munch this weekend (the first we've attended in about a year).

I found this to be an act of service for a few reasons. One, I don't really like wearing chokers. Similar to how I don't like wearing turtlenecks - constricting on my throat. Secondly, it is something I can wear in public for Sir. We don't have a day collar, and I don't wear a collar around my neck in public. I do have my wristcollar, though.

Sir's response: "Eh, it's okay".

I thought he wasn't in love with it because he likes BIG neck collars. While that may be true, his main reason was different.

"I didn't put it there."

Whoa. He's given me much to think about. Perhaps I was being too presumptuous. My intentions I think were good, but he raised an excellent point. I suppose for now, it will go away unless he deems otherwise.

Thankful

Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in everything that is wrong that  you forget to take a moment to have true gratitude for the positive things in your life. There is always something to be thankful for.

What are you thankful for? I'd love to know.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

• Sir. Sir has been absolutely fantastic. He's my rock, my hero, and my love. He works damn hard to make me happy, sacrifices much and I hope he knows that I feel the same about him.

• Family. I am blessed to have a big, obnoxious, dysfunctional, loving family. They are in-your-face about everything, including their love and support. It certainly makes for interesting get-togethers.

• Friends. Though my friends are far away, we always make time for each other. We manage to meet up a few times every year despite being over 500 miles apart. I am starting to meet people in this area and while I would not call them friends yet, I can perhaps see it happening, eventually.

• Pets. The amount of love and joy given my my little furball and scaley-one is something I am thankful for. The kitty is a cuddler and loves to give affection. I enjoy curling up with him, or having him chase toys around the house. He is a good consoler. The lizard is super cute and has quite a personality of her own. She tolerates baths, but loves a good cuddle (especially next to a warm body).

• I am thankful for my health. Yes, I have problems. But I can get around on my own two feet, be independent and enjoy physical activities. Not everyone can.

• I am thankful for our home and life. It is little and there are many like it, but this one is ours. We have a roof over our head where Sir and I can cuddle on our loveseat, play video games, read books and just be ourselves. We have food in our fridge, and heat for this winter. We have working vehicles to get us around, so we can do things, and visit friends and family. Sir and I both have decent jobs that affords us the ability to do all these things.

• I am thankful for D/s and the community. D/s has brought so much to my life. It brought me and Sir together, and has enhanced our relationship. This blogging community has helped me "meet" some really cool people and have given me a lot to think about in terms of my own submission. Sir and I have started meeting others in our local scene, going to classes and munches, and that's been good for us.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Anxiety... I hope

I've been feeling very odd for the past few days. Anxious. Heart racing. Palpitations. Random pains in my limbs. Pain in my chest (but not my heart). Tingles and numbness. Lightheadedness and dizziness. Not all day, but episodes throughout the day.

I've had panic attacks before; they started when I was 17. I'd have them off and on throughout my adult life. After my dad passed, they got pretty terrible. But they've waned a bit since then.

These aren't what I'd call "full blown" panic attacks. They're sort of like the feelings you get right before you have a full on panic session. But this has been going on for four days now, off and on.

Today, I was volunteering and I got very shaky and lightheaded. I ate my lunch early and that seemed to have helped. I am hypoglycemic, so I am often watching my food intake to make sure my blood sugar doesn't get too low. However, I had eaten my breakfast just about 2.5 hours before that episode. To get so shaky like that after having eating relatively recently is very abnormal for me. It happened again when I got home, about 2.5  hours after I had my late lunch.

I am hoping that I am having some kind of weird anxiety. But part of me is worried that it is something else. What exactly, I am not sure. My sugar issues switching on me, and being diabetic? Thyroid issues? Heart issues (what concerns me the most)? Something else I haven't/don't want to really think about yet?

I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks. I am hoping I can hold out until then. Obviously if the symptoms get worse or extreme, I'd go to the ER or Urgent Care, but right now that seems like overkill. But I'm scared, and it all ties in to my panic issues.

And I know it is scaring Sir. Yesterday, he was going to go gaming, but he chose to stay home so I didn't have to be alone. I felt awful. I don't want him to miss out on things because I can't get my feelings under control. On the other hand, I absolutely feel more secure knowing he is there. He seriously is my knight in shining armor, and knowing that he was willing to do that just for me... well I just want to jump all over him and hug him.

Hopefully this will pass, at least until my doctor's appointment.

Birthdays and Loving Our Lurkers

Two celebrations this week.

Sir's Birthday, and Love Our Lurkers!

Sir and I had just a little celebration for his birthday after he got home from work. I sent him off with a good breakfast and a gift (new Kindle!) in the morning.

When he got back from work, we went out for sushi! There was also this really nifty flower made out of carrots.
When we got home, we had cake (Sir's favorite is ice-cream cake)

Happy Birthday, Sir!

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I also want to take a minute to say "Thank you" to everyone who stops by my blog. It definitely helps me to feel less lonely in this kink world. Today is Love Our Lurkers - a day to appreciate those who read, even if we're not always aware of who they are. Thank you!

Thank you, readers!

Are You Ready?

Sir and I communicate via Fetlife a lot. I'll send him articles or blog posts. Sometimes a kinky event link. He'll send me pictures and questions. It is actually a great way for us to keep in kinky touch when we're not always home at the same times. When one of us has a thought and the other is not around, sending it via Fetlife puts it on the table for later (especially because we both have a bit of forgetfulness in us).

Sir sent me a pretty heady question during one of these conversations recently:

 If I were to step up and do the things that go through my mind, would you be able to handle it? Because some of the things that go through my mind are really, really messed up. I don't mean snuff, but it's definitely stuff that would get talked about on the evening news using words like "kidnapping" and "human rights violations".

Part of me got really, really excited about this. About the seeming intensity of what he is alluding to. But another part of me is realistic.

I am NOT ready.

For one, I don't even know that those things in his mind truly are, so how could I know if I was actually ready for them?

For another, we've been very very slowly getting our D/s back on track. We're still trying to piece that back together for us. I feel like we have to learn to crawl again before we can walk. Let alone run!

So, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. I think perhaps with time, yes. But if Sir has a clear idea in his head, I suppose it is up to him to lead me where he wants me to be, especially if he wants to keep me more or less in the dark about his goals.

I think I'm ready for more. But not everything at once.

Hopefully he'll get us there!

Sir is my Hero

Sir is absolutely my hero.

When he is around, I can relax. I know that somehow, he will take care of me. Somehow, it will be alright.

Lately, I have been having a fear of our clothes dryer. More specifically, of it catching fire and burning the house down, killing us and the pets.

We had the landlord come look at it. She even brought a dryer tech who agreed that I did indeed smell burning (lint) but it was normal. The vents were clear, too.

Well, today I went to throw an extra shirt in there and I saw the heating element glowing bright orange. This is apparently normal. But I couldn't stop panicking and I couldn't bring myself to turn that thing back on.

Until Sir got home. Once he got home, I was able to relax. He was here, so somehow it would be okay.

He's my security blanket, I guess.

Not Feeling Attractive

I am a compulsive picker.

Whenever I have a cut or a scab, I just scratch and pick at it. I know that it is gross to a lot of people. It's like I just can't always help it though. So when I am alone in my car, or watching TV at home I find myself picking. Sometimes I even catch myself picking at work or while shopping in public places, though I try to refrain.

Recently my face has exploded with acne. I used to have terrible acne when I was younger, but it has mostly calmed down. Not that past few weeks, however. I've been picking at those spots too. Sir finally told me that I needed to stop picking at them because it is unattractive. As in, he doesn't like looking at my face like this.

Intellectually, I understand. Who wants to look at a face with spots and scabs on it? But, it still hurts, even though I know that wasn't his intent. So I cut all my fingernails as short as I could, and I've been putting neosporin on my facial scabs to try and heal them faster. And I'm trying not to pick. But it's been very difficult, and Sir has pulled my hands away from my face numerous times.

I also chipped my front tooth at work a few days ago. I finally have a dentist appointment in a couple of hours, thankfully, but between my face and my tooth I feel like a right mess.

Hopefully my tooth will be fixed tonight, and my face will hopefully be all healed up soon so I can feel attractive for Sir again.

Spanking After Showering

Sir has been spanking me before bedtime for about 3 weeks now. It is something we used to do that he's started up again. Sometimes I am a whiny grump about it, but all in all, I love it. It's just a few minutes every evening for us to connect. A few minutes that reinforces our differences in power and control. I find it helps keep me in my place.

The other night I had just gotten out of the shower when he pushed me down onto the bed for my spanking. I wasn't even dried off yet, ass still wet and all.

And MAN it hurt, more than normal.

I guess I should make sure I'm completely dry before exiting the shower at night.

...or should I?

Phone Failure

Sir usually goes out gaming on Monday nights. Last week as he was driving home, he started to feel really ill. I had no idea but he called me ten times. TEN. In a row. He even texted, sent me a message on Facebook in case I was on the computer, and had his sister try to contact me by phone, text, and FB as well.

I was down in the basement, doing laundry, and I had no idea. My cell phone was upstairs on vibrate. We have no house phone. Eventually I came upstairs and started playing video games. I didn't check my phone. I didn't even look for it.

Well, Sir comes in and just by the way he called my name entering the house, I knew it was bad. He was shaking, weak. After he explained what happened, well I of course felt awful. I made sure to take care of him, and put him to bed.

It is a week later, and I still feel awful. It turned out okay, but what if something was really bad? What if he was stranded, or hurt worse? 

We don't have a rule about phones. I work in an area with poor reception most of the day. But tonight you can be sure that I have it right here and I'm obsessively checking it. Of course everything's fine now. It will only be when I don't have it again that something will happen.

I just hate failing him. 

Cold Without Sir

Sir is at a Halloween party tonight. I couldn't go because I have to get up before dawn for work and it's an overnight thing.

This bed is mighty cold without him.

I miss my personal furnace.

Collared in the Car

Sir's mother is turning 70! We drove out there to celebrate with her. Sir's sister made reservations at a pretty swanky Italian restaurant. Sir's mother didn't want a big party, so we had a nice dinner out instead (we did tell her that for 75, we're doing a party, so she's got 5 years to get used to the idea).

Sir had me wear my collar in the car on the way there and back. A one-way trip is about 3 hours.

I was freaking out a little bit. What if we're seen? I asked Sir if I could put my scarf around my collar to walk to the car from our house. He let me, and once we got gas and were on the road, the scarf had to come off. I was a little nervous, but at least in the car there is some kind of false anonymity behind the metal frame. Sure, people might see us, but it will only be for a moment at 70 mph. Soon I forgot about it.

That is, until we got near the house. I started bringing up more and more when I'd be able to remove it. Where it would go once it was removed.  I was so anxious, worrying about what I would do if Sir told me I had to keep it on (not that I thought he would, especially in front of his mother). Or if he had me remove it in front of the house and they were outside, or if we were driving through town and they saw us. What would we say? How would that be received? The collar I was wearing couldn't be played off as anything else, really. As we got off the highway and got closer and closer to the house, I could feel myself nearly vibrating with the anxious energy. I was physically sitting on my hands to keep them from touching my collar. I was clenching my jaw to not ask Sir, "Now? How about now? ....Now? Here?"

Eventually as we turned onto the main road of their town 5 minutes to go, Sir allowed me to remove the collar. I asked him why he chose that distance. He simply said, "This is what I decided".

He instructed me to put the collar in his glovebox, but he had too many gaming things in there. I put it instead in the pocket of the car door, curling the one end in the cupholder. I still felt like it was screaming, "Look at me! Look at me!", so I covered it gently with napkins.

It was a good thing I did though, since Sir's mother ended up going in his car when we rode to the restaurant! Normally, I insist that she take the front seat on the rare occasions when this happens, but she hopped in back quickly and I was so paranoid that she would find the collar up there.

Nothing happened, and it was a lovely evening out and spending time with his family.

Once we were back on the road home, Sir had me re-collar for the drive. By the time we got to our house near 1 am, I honestly don't recall if I covered up or not from the car to the house. I must have, but it was dark and I was exhausted. I cared much less.

An interesting observation: it was amazing to me how many people did NOT notice, at all. When we were stopped at lights I thought there may have been stares, and I was bracing myself for the scrutiny. But I didn't notice any. There may have been some I didn't notice, but if there were I'm glad I didn't!

I don't like to feel put on the spot or like I'm under the microscope, but I'm glad Sir had me do this.

Have a Little Faith

I need to stop being such a Negative Nancy. Things are good. Why do I dwell on the downsides?

We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).

I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.

So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.

After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.

Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.

And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.

Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.

I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?

In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.

I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.

I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.

Kinky Tune Tuesday: Sucker for Pain

I just heard this song on the radio, thought it was appropriate here. I saw Suicide Squad, but I guess it didn't sink in at the time, I was probably distracted by other things.

I like how it is different by featuring many artists of different genres. As far as D/s goes though, I think just the hook really applies here.

Though something about the chorus and the music just sounds so.... sexy. Definitely could be scene music!

Would You Break Up With Me If...

The other night as Sir and I were laying in bed he asked me:

"Would you break up with me if I quit my job?"

He said that he had no intent on actually quitting his job, but he was curious on my answer.

I know he is not thrilled about his job right now. He feels that he has taken a step back, career wise. He is not really using the training he went to school for. He is actually doing less of a level of work than before he went to school. There is a lot of down time, and he is bored. On top of that, he is having trouble handling the long commute. And it has been tricky for us to spend time together, as he is getting home, and I basically need to go to bed an hour later. I understand that him not being satisfied with his career will be a long term problem. We've talked about him staying there until he finds something else.

So, my reply to him was ultimately, "It depends... why did you quit?"

If he was quitting because of a hostile work environment, okay. If someone was being abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually, okay. I can understand that.

But quitting because you don't like it?

I don't think I could handle that. I've supported us by myself for two years. For over half of that time, I had a job that not only did I not like, I downright hated. I cried after work regularly. And I couldn't quit. Sir had even said he wanted me to (though he realized that it was unrealistic). But I couldn't, because who would actually take care of us? I had to just ride it out until I got lucky enough to find something I love. And it was luck. I could easily still be doing that other job that was slowly sucking out my soul.

So, if he did quit because he just didn't like the job, I don't think I would end our relationship immediately. But I could definitely see it causing an eventual break-up. I would see it as him not being willing to put in equal effort for the household. To take me for granted and continue to just allow me to do everything, which is getting REALLY old before he even got this job. (If he is gonna be the home person, there are different expectations).

Part of me worries that him not liking his job would do really bad things for his mental state though... and then I wonder, would it be okay then? Well, of course if it means he'd deteriorate to a level where he'd harm himself - don't stay. But selfishly, I wonder if I could be with a partner where that is a real issue all the time. We've had a scare like that last year and it was fucking terrifying. Part of me feels like a horrible person for admitting that, but it is the truth. Mental illness runs in my family, and I don't know if that is a life I would really want for myself. Sir has been more or less good for over 6  years now, though, so it is probably a non-issue.

I think my main concern is I need and wish for Sir to be a strong person. Not every instant of every day of course, but in general. And if he can't handle staying at this job, like he couldn't get through school, or get things done while having unlimited free time as the home person... this is definitely going to be an issue with me.

Right now, I have good days and bad days in the way I feel about our relationship and our future. I think this is normal. Sir found a job. It is a well paying job with benefits. Him working there means he can have health insurance (which he needs, more than I do). It means we have a decent income. We can pay down our debts. We can live a little more comfortably. We can save for a future - a wedding, a house, a marriage. It affords us lots of stability in more ways than one. Him asking me a question like that makes me worry about him and his mental state, however.

It is a big transition and change for Sir, and he doesn't handle change well. He is having a hard time dealing with the commute. While I do commiserate, as I definitely get having a long shitty commute, part of me just wants to laugh. Suck it up, buttercup. My commute is STILL longer than yours. On the other hand, I think it took me a full year to get the hang of it. I'm only sort of able to handle life now. But I'm doing it, somehow.

Hang in there, baby? It gets better?

So, I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I'm not sure how to sort them all out. I even fear putting this out there for Sir to read, since I think it might play on his insecurities more than helping him. But he wants to know how I feel, even if I have lots of feelings and some of those feelings make me feel like a bad person.

---

Update: We had a long talk, and it helped. A lot. He had no idea that what was to him, a simple random question had such significance for me. It prompted a talk on those issues, and a lot of other things in our relationship that I was feeling dissatisfied with - maybe all of those things snowballed and are causing me to be a bit sensitive lately.

Falling Asleep

My job has been pretty stressful the past few weeks. We put on a HUGE autumn festival. I started a volunteer position recently, and the first meeting coincided with the day of the festival - I didn't get home from work till 12:30 am after doing a full shift on my feet all day. I've been pretty exhausted lately.

The house shows it, too. Sir can tell when I'm getting overwhelmed because the bedroom cleanliness goes out the window. Clothes start collecting, the floor starts collecting until our room resembles a cave where every surface is covered in things ( I do my best to get by with the bathroom and kitchen though, because otherwise it's really beyond nasty).

A couple of days ago he instructed me to pile all the of the clothing into 'normal wash' and 'not normal wash (i.e. delicates, costumes, fancy stuff), and to start a wash before he came home from work. I really had good intentions but when he got home from work he found me passed out in my bathrobe on the bed.   And I stayed that way until I had to go the work the next day (For clarity, this was not the night I got in after midnight; I think it was the night before). I think I slept over 13 hours.

This is me, nearly all the time. The pile is actually called my other boyfriend.

Sir was very generous with me. He had me get up early in the morning to sort most of it out, and then he did loads and loads of laundry on his day off while I went to work. When we were both off, we had a folding party and most of it is under control now.

I somehow feel like this instance is a metaphor for how things can be in our relationship though. I feel like I am falling asleep on our D/s at times. I need more... guidance I suppose. I need Sir to be my caffeine. Maybe more attention of a D/s nature. Like, he gave me a very specific task... and I go to sleep instead.  Really?!

I've also been neglecting my Kitty Cafe Chart. When I am stressed, food is a major way I cope, which isn't great. I am at least aware of it. But I should try to mitigate it better. I am trying again, now that the festival is over.

I know he wasn't happy about my falling asleep and getting this job done. I know he was lenient because I've been breaking my ass at work.

But a small part of me worries and I hope it won't become a recurring thing. I am off today, so hopefully I can work on getting things done!

Birthday Spankings

With Sir's newfound income has also come the ability for him to spoil me. I wouldn't say I am a spoiled brat (though I am a brat at times) but for my birthday Sir certainly made me feel special.

Sir woke me up by beating my ass. He let me sleep in, and then rolled me onto my stomach and spanked, hit, flogged, paddled me in sets of 33. He had me count each set. Once I was completely gooey-minded, he pushed me down and fucked me from behind, holding me in place, spanking my ass, hitting all those sweet spots. Such simple things to make me happy, I guess. In the right circumstances I love that position and I get very vocal at times with it. Happy Birthday to me, neighbors!!

Sir took us to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire for my birthday. We've lived very close to the Faire for two years, but this is the first time we'd had enough money to be able to go! I drank many pumpkin ciders (I'm not a fan of ALL things pumpkin - in fact pumpkin lattes are gross, but this cider is amazing), watched a  live raptor show (hooray birds), cheered for my favorite knight in the joust, went to the bladesmithing demo (Sir was very interested in this and asked ALL the questions), attended a human chess match, window shopped, had yummy foods, visited the bookstore... so much fun! Sir even bought me a bottle of the pumpkin cider to take home as a gift! The next day he also took me out to a really nice sushi restaurant for dinner.

It was lovely to be able to truly indulge without worry. It's not going to our heads; we're back to budgeting, but being able to buy some ground beef or celebrate an occasion without stress is amazing.

2016 is kicking 2015's butt!

Weight Loss Motivation

I've been really trying to be motivated about being healthy and losing weight. I did really well before, losing nearly 30 lbs. Then... I just stopped caring. Between moving away from well, everyone, and losing my dad I just stopped giving a shit. And I've gained almost all of it back.

It was easier back in New Jersey. I had friends, a workout buddy, and my dad was my biggest cheerleader. He even took my "before" photo as I stood there awkwardly in my sports bra and shorts, haha.

I am the maid-of-honor in my friend's wedding in November. I have put on at least 10 pounds since I got the bridesmaid dress. I have a real fear of not fitting into the thing if I don't get my butt in gear. Several years ago this actually happened to me. I was the maid-of-honor for another friend's wedding and two days before the event I could NOT fit into that damn dress! I had to run out and purchase a new dress, praying that I could find something in the right color (it worked out, thankfully!) I don't want to chance it here, though. So, I do have a tiny bit of motivation there.

Sir is also helping me. He has been pretty good about checking if I am logging my food and if I am "under maintenance". I can be over my calorie goal as long as I am under maintenance calories - because then, I am still losing weight.

To that end, I now have a new motivation goal.

A few days ago, I read about Kitty and her Master's visit to a Kitty Cafe by them. It sounded amazing, and made  me wonder if we had such a place by us here in Pennsylvania.

Well, WE DO! There is a Kitty Cafe in Philly.

I now have a sticker chart. Every day that my calories are under maintenance, we get to put a sticker on the chart. At the end of the day, if I am under maintenance, Sir chooses the color of the sticker and I get to put it on. If I can get 60 stickers on the chart, we get to go to the Kitty Cafe. It is really helping me; having that extra goal. And I like the ritual of putting the sticker on before bed and Sir choosing the sticker for me.

I'm 10% there!

I made the little chart on Word, and I got really excited about it. But I didn't have any stickers for it. Sir told me that I could NOT retroactively put any stickers on it - the chart would officially start once all the materials were ready. That got me moving. He also said that I had to go out and get Kitty stickers.... duh, I don't know why I didn't think of that! When I went out, there weren't cat stickers, but they did have the paw prints which I really like, especially the colors. It had been a week of talking about the chart to actually making it and then getting the stickers.

Thank you, sticker chart, for the extra motivation. And thank you, Sir!

Great weekend - Outdoor and Indoor Recreation

Two days off. In a row! On the weekend! Coinciding with Sir being off, too!

That doesn't usually happen. My days off usually get split so they're not consecutive, or they're not on the weekend, or Sir is not also off. On the rare times I have both Saturday and Sunday off, and Sir is off too, it is usually because I asked for it and we have something to do in another state that will eat up the entire weekend.

On Saturday I spent the day puttering about the house. I scrubbed the heck out of the bathroom and kitchen, doing a really good cleaning. I watched movies and ate junk food in between bouts of cleaning. And it was so nice just to be HOME.

On Sunday... Sir and I went to another State Park! We had a picnic, kayaked, and I went swimming!

I've had this kayak for almost a year now, and it's the first time we've taken her out. We rented a kayak for Sir. We had a good time paddling at our will. We saw some turtles and a heron that let us get pretty close even if my camera doesn't show it.

Afterwards we had a nice little picnic lunch. And the beach was still open! This was an awesome surprise for me. In my East Coast head, beaches and all swimming close after Labor Day. Labor Day is the last hurrah. No more swimming after that. Well, it was over 80 degrees, and most PA State Park beaches are swim at your own risk - no lifeguards. Which meant the beach was still open! I didn't have a bathing suit, but I took a quick dip anyway, and it was so pleasant.

Such a good day. When we got home, Sir had me crawl under his desk and give him a nice blowjob while he did... whatever he was doing up there. Every time I would try to peek and see, he would grab the back of my head and force it hard down on his cock. Hot. I guess he was watching videos or something. He even put on his headphones so I couldn't hear.

Later, he dragged me to the bed and teased me, basically coming really close but refusing to actually fuck me. My brain loved this, the control being all with him, him denying me and I actually came from that. I get off on stuff like that. Refusing to kiss me fully, but sneaking tiny ones, refusing to fuck me but letting me feel him oh so close.

An all-around great weekend.

Sir's Confidence and Evening Rituals

Sir being back to work is a blessing in many ways. Of course, there is the big one: financially. Forget buying upgraded foods or getting fancy toys or going places - we're excited to pay bills and reduce our debts. I reworked our budget spreadsheet and actually felt giddy.

Another big blessing is how it is helping Sir. Having work in his field has really helped his psyche and it shows. He is more confident at home and more easily dominant over me. He is growing as a person too, having to adjust to this new schedule and new environment and deal with new people outside his comfort zone (read: fancy rich people). It is helping him to think about other long term goals as well; additional certifications, long term job prospects and environments.

Sir started a new little ritual for us. It was going to be every day, but then he got his work schedule. Every day after we both get home from work, Sir had me sit in our bedroom in front of him. He would brush my hair and we'd talk about our day. Then he would put a little bind in it. I would wear it either until we went to bed (if we had work in the morning - taking it out takes time), or until the next day sleeping in it.

It is a really lovely way to connect after a long day, and to serve him by wearing my hair. Sleeping in it is difficult, so it is a nice service for Sir. I find my service more meaningful when things aren't easy. We're probably only going to be doing this on our weekends since by the time Sir gets home from work, there is about an hour before bed. Still, it is a nice little ritual between us.

A Wonderful Couple of Weeks and D/s Headspaces

It has been an utterly fantastic couple of weeks here.

Sir and I went to the beach. Twice! Once for a day trip with my cousin, uncle and goddaughter, and then again this past weekend. My brother invited us for a few days since he was taking his little nuclear unit as well. We brought our mom and it was a great way for all of us to be together at our favorite place. We talked about doing a trip like this for months now, in honor of my dad, and I'm excited that we did. There were times where it was a bit rough, 7 of us in one hotel room and all that goes with it, but all in all I really enjoyed it. Sir I think tolerated a lot of it, with some highlights of enjoyment.

And then when we got back from vacation, Sir got utterly wonderful news.

He was offered the position he had been interviewing for!!!! After two years hoping to progress his chosen career by going back to school for further training he has landed a job in his field. It's a good salary, full time, with healthcare options, a retirement plan and time off benefits. And it's reasonably close to our house (70 minutes). We were worried initially because he didn't do well on his certification exam, and had to leave his school on a sour note but that doesn't seem to be holding him back at all.

He starts Wednesday. I am beyond excited and proud of him. I know this is going a long way for his mental state and his dominance as well. Achieving his goals and being confident goes a long way for his psyche.

Before we got the news, we were actually discussing how to help him feel more dominant since it just seems that our current lifestyle lends itself to my being more dominant. We talked about both our headspaces. Right now I am serving him by being the breadwinner. It is an active decision on his part. And that is what he needs to keep his head right. Active decision making. If he is at home right now, he can still make decisions. He can still contribute to the household (this is the major thing that was deflating him). There are other things besides paychecks that keep a home afloat.

Yesterday he pulled me aside and just physically took control over me, out of nowhere. Pulling me around by the nipples, grabbing my by the hair, kissing me at his leisure and want. Reminding me of who I am. I asked him jokingly, "where is my parade?" after doing a task, and he gave me one. A parade of smacks to the ass.

I have the task tonight of clearing our dining room table. Sir has been organizing the house and put things that he wanted me to deal with in a few boxes on the table. I am to find homes for the items (or throw them out) and then fold the dining table down (it is mounted to our wall). I am about halfway through with it, taking a quick beverage (and typing) break. This is a good lesson in submission for me today. While I don't mind the cleaning and putting away of the items, I am really ambivalent about taking our table down. I feel like it is going to take something away from our apartment - the feel of it being a proper home, perhaps. But that is not for me to decide. Sir has made his decision on how he wants it, and so I must comply even if I'm not really on board with it.

Part of that helps my head too - adhering to his wishes. Okay, my drink is done. Back to organizing for me!

Cocktail, Sir?

Sir and I had a good weekend at the beach and visiting my family - my uncle, cousins, and goddaughter. Some of them are easier for him to take than others, but I'm glad he came.

The beach is my happy place. Something about floating with the waves beyond the breakers, the scent, the sounds of the waves crashing... it just leaches all the stress right from my body. By the end of the day, I felt lighter. I could breathe deeper and I had that soul-fulfilling tiredness that isn't exhaustion; it's just truly being calm and ready for a great night's sleep.

My brother invited me to go with him to the beach next week as well. I have two days off so why not! It will also be an opportunity for my mom, him (and his wife and kiddos), and me to all take a vacation together since my dad passed away. Doing that is something we've talked about for months now, so we're going to make it happen even if just for a few days.

Sir had a second interview today, and he feels really good about the interviews for this company. They already invited him for the third round of interviews - this is fantastic news. The job is just over an hour from our place, so we wouldn't have to move right away and we'd have time to really get back on our feet.

When Sir came home tonight from the interview, I fixed him a cocktail. He of course made a joke about a cocktail that he could give me instead, but is happily sipping his drink and unwinding at his desk. Sir is not a big drinker, but I suppose there is something to be said for that kind of relaxation after a long day. And the process of fixing him a drink that takes just a tiny bit more effort brought out those happy submissive feelings for me.

Keep your fingers crossed for him!

What's My Motivation?

I was reading Mala's blog awhile ago and something she said just stuck with me.

She was talking about how she, herself is sometimes just not a good enough reason to keep some of her shit together, like weight.

I feel like that sometimes, too. That if were solely just for myself, I'd say fuck it on a lot of things, especially when stressed. Probably the first thing to go is weight and eating habits. Food is a large part of my coping skills; I guess I'm not sure still how to function otherwise without cracking.

Cleaning is another one of those things. I let it go, and probably would have let the house accumulate filth if not for the fact that Sir lives here too. I mean, I enjoy a clean house, but I am definitely cleaning more for him lately than I am me. I think part of it is the knowledge that he sees me letting it go. If there were no one else to see it, I would have let it continue to devolve.

I need Sir to take control of these things, apparently they can get too much for me. Maybe just to check in on them, make me feel accountable.

We have just been inundated lately with a host of crap thrown our way. Car problems, dental issues, attempted insurance terminations, benefits being taken away. I am just hemorrhaging money and while Sir is interviewing, he does not have work at the moment. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders at times, and I guess I need more management.

Sir is understanding. He knows I am busting my ass. He knows the past few weeks in particular have had a multitude of awful situations converge. Today, he asked me if I could fold the laundry that is sitting my hamper (which has been there for at least a week), so that he could take my dirty laundry, put it in there, and start the wash for me. My response: "Can I just sit for a minute?" I had just gotten home. And he let me. I get the reasoning. I've been at work all day, outside in this 90+ heat in a thunderstorm with a bunch of rammy children. It had been a long day. And I was the one who asked. But, there my laundry sits, still unfolded in the hamper, 4 hours later (we ended up putting my dirty stuff in his hamper so he could take it down). I think if he had said, "No, fold it now." I would have had more motivation to actually give a crap and do the damn thing.

Just doing it for myself doesn't seem to be a good enough of a reason.

I'd re-started MyFitnessPal recently. But with everything going on, I've stopped and have been coping with food again. I guess my own self isn't a good enough reason to get back on track with my health and fitness goals. But perhaps Sir is? I just don't know if he really cares about that. He doesn't seem to mind my current appearance.

Maybe I can get my brain to start doing these things for him, even if unasked by him?

Close that Damn Drawer!

I am cautiously optimistic that I may be starting to feel better. I went to another dentist today to get a second opinion. Funnily enough, he agreed with my first dentist and said unfortunately, it is just going to take time for the antibiotic to kick in. But at least I know the tooth won't need to be pulled and that the root canal looks okay. I'm just alarmed by how painful it is. He said there was an abscess  under the root and now that the infection was exposed to oxygen, it was multiplying and causing that painful pressure. The other canal *was* overfilled, he agreed, but that shouldn't be causing the pain.

The pain was pretty intense all day. Only now does it seem that the medication is starting to have an effect. I hope it continues this trend. I have to say, Sir has been absolutely wonderful. He cancelled his weekend plans, called my family and just took care of me, even if that meant rubbing my back while I cried, or letting me drool on him while I "slept" (I regret the drooling part; I definitely wasn't trying to!). He sure is a keeper.

Sir told me today that he is going to have to enact a new rule soon. Apparently, I don't close drawers. Or doors. And it drives him crazy. I know I have that habit, especially when I'm in a rush. I guess it is something I am going to have to work on.

Teeth : (

Air-conditioning has been a godsend, not only for me coming home as one giant sweat gland, but also for sexytime.

In other news, my teeth suck, and are acting up again. I had two- TWO root canals on Friday. One of them is fine. The other one is just agonizing, and my dental practice doesn't seem to care about the level of pain that I am in. I've had root canals before. I know there's some discomfort, but I am literally curled up into a ball crying my eyes out from the pain. It is alarming to Sir. My job sent me home today, since I was just useless. I've called the dentist twice yesterday. I tried calling again this morning (no one picked up). Since I left work early, I showed up in their office. They took an x-ray, poked the tooth (which caused me to scream and jump) and then gave me a prescription for a higher form of antibiotic. That will take at least a day to work and reduce the pain, if at all. I also saw my X-ray and it is clear that they overfilled the root canal and the gutta percha (the stuff the put into the canal) is actually leaking outside of the bottom of my root. This is what I believe is causing the pain, but they're saying its an infection, hence the increased antibiotics.

For the two root canals on Friday, they gave me Motrin. Motrin! Which didn't do much. When I called to tell them this, they gave me Tylenol-3. The Motrin does better for me than that stuff. I am starting to reach the end of my rope with this pain. I am not a pain wimp as Sir can attest to, so me having such a negative reaction is honestly scaring him. He's used to me just sucking it up and going about my day. I am trying to reign it in since I don't want to worry him, but sometimes it is just difficult.

At work this morning, I was having a full-on cry fest (while trying not to) until someone else came into the office. Even then, it was difficult to hold it in. Luckily my coworkers are awesome and got coverage for me so I could go home/see the dentist.

I'm about to take my last medicine dose of the night. Praying this starts working and that I see some relief soon.

Too Hot to...

do ANYTHING.

My car thermometer actually read 100 degrees today. I work mainly outdoors, especially this time of year. By the time my shift is over, I am literally just one giant sweat gland.

Sir is feeling it too.

We were on the couch tonight, watching TV. He is petting me. He looks over, gives me the eye and says "Sex now?!" As we literally peel ourselves off the leather couch sounding like Velcro, the moment is over, let me tell you.

It is too hot to fuck.

Maybe with the air conditioning on.... tomorrow.

Sir is a Sexy Thing

This morning I had the pleasure of watching Sir wake up. I had gotten up a bit before him to get ready for work. I came into the bedroom and just sat there, watching him. He was fuzzily trying to find his glasses. I was not so fuzzily trying to ogle him, and I'm pretty sure he has no idea.

I was just really enjoying the view of his well-shaped legs. His broad chest. His bearded face. The dusting of hair along his body.

Too bad I had to go to work. I'd much rather have crawled back in bed with him!

When Fun Just Happens

Life has been pretty hectic lately for me and Sir. We've gotten some bad news and have a host of decisions to make regarding our future.

But its always good to know that we are us, and we'll do our best to get through this together. I can't really do much at the moment, but be supportive and give him time to think. Sometimes just being together, and having fun is what you need to stay connected and keep motivated.

The other night Sir decided to play a game with me. It was sort of spontaneous and we both made up and learned the rules as we went. He started lightly tickling me, over my clothes. I'd wiggle and squirm. Eventually he stripped me bare and he'd tickle me along my butt, legs, knees, and feet. Any movement or clenching from the waist down elicited a hard smack to my ass. He just kept this going, upping what movement would earn a smack, to the tiniest twitch, and how hard/many he'd strike.

All in all, I like this game! I think what I enjoyed about it was how it organically evolved. He and I didn't exchange words to play. He just started smacking when I twitched and it went from there. Love that subtle exchange of power and the sensations.

I hope we play again!

This Morning's Wake-Up Call.

Sir and I get up each morning eye-stabbingly early. For us, that is 5:30 am. For me, it is because of my long-ass commute so I can be on time for work at 8 am. For him, he starts earlier than me. But it is nice to wake up together. And I certainly appreciate those times where I get to sleep in!

This morning, Sir decided to get me up a little differently. He woke me up by spanking my ass.

I like spankings and beatings. But we don't usually do anything other than groan, eat breakfast, and get ready for the day on workday mornings. It was pleasant to have that reminder, during the mundane parts of our lives, that I am still his.

Sir has generally been more demanding lately, in a good way. Even just little things like this evening.

"Bitch. You will get up and retrieve my books and study papers. Then, you will make me a bowl of ice cream. Then, you will get the laundry downstairs. After that is done, you may play Minecraft before you pack and make lunches for tomorrow."

I like the specific instructions, I like the spanking... I like that I feel like we're connecting more in the D/s sense.

Outing Myself

Twice this past week I have done things that may have outed me as a kinkster, submissive, whatever you want to call it, in different ways.

One was entirely my own fault.

I was reading and responding to comments on here and hadn't realized that for some reason, I was logged into my vanilla google account. So, I responded as my real self, entirely by accident. I have a screen name for that account too, so initially, I was calm. Just delete the comment and start anew. Until I looked at my profile which linked to my amazon account with my real name, location, birthday, etc. HOLY CRAP! I didn't realize that much info was out there. I of course changed it and deleted the comments with that account, but part of me worries about who may have seen that. If any of you did see it, please let me know. I generally do trust in the community; most  are good people. It would be a relief for me to know how "out" my real information was though. I have not had an incident like that in the over 5 years of having this blog... I guess that is a good track record. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

The other incident was ... just awkward I guess, and I don't think anything bad will come of it. I work in the public sector. My coworkers are really awesome people. But I forget that I live in a conservative area. That doesn't really just mean beliefs, but it also means openness towards sexuality and the like. My one coworker whispers the occasional curse word she ever lets loose after looking to make sure the coast is clear, and another was very adamant on getting married before cohabitating with her husband. This is fine - just trying to explain the... puritanical nature, I suppose, of people I work with.

We're having lunch this week and our boss had a cup on the table that says "Fifty Shades of Green." Coworker exclaims, "Does that say Fifty Shades of Grey?!" We were all shocked. It turns out, she read all three books, and saw the movie. My other coworker saw the movie, but not read the books, and my boss read the books too.

Really.... wow. They say it's always the quiet ones. So, they start dissecting the books. I chime in here or there, but mostly stay out of the conversation, because I have strong opinions about the book. To share them in full would be to indicate I know a lot more about these things than just reading. I say at one point "I hesitate to give my full opinion". Eventually my older coworker brings up "S and M", goes into that into more detail, and I merely state "This topic is the opinion I'm hesitating on presenting." I say that the abuse laden book is not a realistic representation of that lifestyle. (I do know it's a fantasy, written as a FanFiction of Twilight... but still, get some of the facts right). We talk about how the movie does a better job of being more realistic. My coworker who incidentally started the conversation cannot look more uncomfortable or sink lower into her seat. Eventually, lunch is over, and I definitely feel that I've revealed more about myself than I intended.

Nothing much has been said since then, and I don't think anything negative will come of it. But it is interesting to know that my coworkers are a little more "in the know" than I thought. That they may recognize a collar, or my wristcollar. That if Sir were to present me with a day collar, or an eternity collar, they might actually know what it is.

That's the stuff that is uncomfortable for me. It's easier to hide behind, "it's just jewelry". And though they may be more open-minded than I thought (hey, they read the books/saw the movie at least)... I still worry about the conservative attitudes around here in general.

Fiction is one thing, reality is another.

Sir's Views on Munches and Isolation (and mine too)

I shared a blog I read with Sir a couple of days ago, to get his point of view.

It was this one:

WTSubbie's Isolation

I wanted to know Sir's thoughts on it. On how he feels about munches and the "cool kids" vs. being "on the fringes". (just saying the words 'cool kids' makes me cringe)

This is what he had to say:

I guess I don't quite know how to respond to this. Having had a lifetime of being one of the "uncool kids" I've learned to accept that some people are always going to be elitist. Regarding the munches that we've been to, I have observed the same thing though I also see that the munch leaders try their best to include everyone. During some of the larger gatherings that can be lost in the bustle but they still try.

As for myself I gave up trying to impress people or be "cool" a long time ago. Only those closest to me, the ones that have earned my trust, respect, and loyalty will truly have any influence on my behavior, attitude, or feelings. This exact same problem exists in my class at school as well. While I haven't been completely rejected like [Classmate X] (and that truly is due to his own actions and attitudes) I'm definitely on the fringe of the group. If I were to "rank" the class in terms of social "coolness", it would be [classmate 1], [classmate 2], [classmate 3] and to some extent [classmate 4] at the "top"; [classmate 5, 6 and 7] in the "middle" and myself on the "bottom" or "fringe" if you'd prefer that word. [[Classmates 7 and 8] have pretty much removed themselves from the equation mostly in terms of not typically gathering at lunches and similar places but they still talk and communicate with everyone on an individual or small group basis. [Classmate X] is the only one who has been actively shunned by the class due to his own attitude and refusal to abandon his open contempt of anyone that doesn't fall within his definition of "successful", which means pretty much everyone that isn't his theoretical "superior".

I feel that the (rather lengthy) assessment of my class probably applies to munches as well. In any society there are going to be those at the "center", those in the "middle ground", those on the "edges" and a small number that are completely on the "outside" though whether that depends on the attitude of the core society or the result of actions and attitudes of the individual operate largely on a case-by-case basis.

I guess I am impressed with his ability to articulate himself, and his rather mature views on the situation, especially given his history.

These are my feelings on it:

This sums up the experience at pretty much every munch I've ever been to. I am not one of the "cool kids"... and I think it is just a matter of time and being present so that people get to know you so you can assimilate... and yet, if you don't know the main people who attend the munch, you sit on the outskirts feeling awkward as all hell. I still go, because I don't believe it is intentional and that time will allow for others to get to know us, and make it easier for us to integrate.

I have a much better time when I get to a munch early and I can pre-select my seat based on where I think the leaders, or a main group of people will sit - because that is where people who are comfortable will gather and it makes conversation easier than if you're 3 or 4 people at a table on the fringe.

Sometimes I am able to make conversation with other newbies around me, and those are good times, but there is still that feeling of awkwardness, of forced conversation even when people do move around...

I suppose I hadn't thought that deeply about it previously, but with the subject being brought up and thinking now, I suppose I thought I had felt comfortable enough in my own skin, and old enough that these types of social mores that I found typical of my high-school era to not apply any longer. I now realize that I was wrong to a degree and am wondering how much of the "fault" lies within my own self. Being self-conscious and the like.

And all this thought about munches, when we haven't gone to one in months!!! (that may also be a problem; finances)

Being Dominant Through Failures

Yesterday, Sir took me aside and said he had a serious question for me. He said he was originally going to ask another person, a Master that he trusts and converses with from time to time on these things, but he first wanted to see what I had to say, before possibly contacting him.

I was thrilled that he values and trusts my opinion that much.

He asked me how I thought he was to retain dominance in light of failure.

It's a heady question. We both know he's been mentally absent on the D side of our D/s for months now. I am a little frustrated, but understanding. He is dealing with a lot of stress at the moment, and he doesn't typically handle stress as well as I do.

He is also having a real fear of failing in his schooling and certification, and what that will mean for us, and for our relationship. I know he was asking specifically about this situation - how to handle our relationship if he fails this huge endeavor, but it got me thinking a bit broader.

After a bit of thought I think it comes down to a few things.

1. Accept that a failure will happen.  Perhaps not in this instance (and I certainly hope he doesn't flunk out)... but at some point, some time, people fail at things. It is inevitable. Whether it is an exam, a scene, miscommunication, errands... it's going to happen.

2. Of course, try your best not to fail. Plan. Prepare. Work your hardest at it, especially if it is a big goal. If you fail to plan and don't prepare, you're planning and preparing to fail.

3. If you do fail, own up to it. Don't behave as if it didn't happen. Don't let it be the elephant in the room. Own it.

4. If it is a big failure - especially something you cannot fix, allow yourself a grieving time. Grief is about many kinds of loss, and if the failure is the loss of something pivotal, you need to deal with those feelings of grief. This isn't the same as shutting down and running away.

5. After you own up to it, figure out what to do next. What are the next steps? Don't shut down - that isn't going to accomplish much. It is in how you handle the failure that is important. Can you fix it? If you can't fix it, can you make amends? Can you try again? And if you can't do any of these things, what is plan B?


For Sir specifically, we talked about how to handle the event of him not finishing school. I mentioned giving some time for grief. It's been a huge two-year undertaking, that affects our future. If he doesn't finish, there will be feelings of loss for that future and for the past two years of effort. That's normal.

I asked him to have a plan B. We've talked about some Plan Bs for awhile now, but it's up to him to decide the best course of action.

I asked him not to forget who he is. He is the Dominant. Just as it was really difficult when I was allowed to forget who I was as his submissive, him continuing to forget his Dominant side would be disastrous. If he's not up to jumping right in, I think a good course of action is to read and think. I sent him some websites with articles on dominance. I find immense help in reading the thoughts of other submissives. It makes me think about my own nature and our relationship. It keeps my head in the game. I truly do think it would help him a lot. Read and think.... and plot.

If your mind is active, it is easier for the rest to occur.

For the record, I have every confidence in him. Things have been rough, but he can do this! He didn't do well on his final certification exam... BUT he gets to re-sit the exam on June 30th. So all is not lost. He's got a few weeks to turn it around. And he can do it. He's just got to buckle down. And I'm here for him, through success or failure.