Have a Little Faith

I need to stop being such a Negative Nancy. Things are good. Why do I dwell on the downsides?

We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).

I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.

So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.

After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.

Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.

And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.

Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.

I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?

In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.

I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.

I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to any and all who celebrate! Though it's been a really difficult year, Sir and I have been blessed in so many ways.

I had my tooth extracted a few days ago. Though that is never a fun thing; the process was quick. It wasn't quite painless, but my fabulous dentist had that sucker out before Sir could even settle in for what he and I thought was going to be a long wait. The kicker for me is that they didn't prescribe me any pain medicine. They told me just to take "whatever over the counter stuff you usually take".

I've never had an extraction where my dentist didn't try to ease that pain a little, so it was a bit of a shocker for me. I've been taking ibuprofen, and the PM version when applicable and I've been doing okay. A few times the pain has been a bit much for me though. I'm definitely not a pain wimp (or a pain slut for that matter), but extreme mouth pain is not something I handle well.

Sir has been absolutely amazing. He has been taking great care of me. Because of my big dental anxiety I was prescribed Valium before the procedure, so he got me up, ready, drove me over there, and waited like a champ while I had this thing pulled. Afterwards he brought my loopy self to get medicine, went to the market to get all soft foods, and then put me to bed when we got home and put everything away. My appointment was around 10 o clock, by 11:30 we were home, and I slept until after 8 pm. When I got up he made me some soup and just kept me company for a few hours until I went back to sleep.

He has had a break from his school program so we've spent the whole week together. Finishing up holiday shopping, cleaning, and actually being around each other for more than a few hours per day. It's been a good thing.

Last night he decided we should see Star Wars again. He made an "executive decision" while I was in the shower and bought tickets online. I went with it, even though I had apprehensions since it was Christmas Eve and we had much to do, and we don't exactly have a lot of disposable income right now (plus the tickets were bought, and well, he said so, so what else could I do?). We had a good time. He brought a spoon and got me an Icee so I could have a movie snack. After the movie we went to pick up some cat essentials since our kitty is going to be alone for a couple of days... but we live in Central PA and it was Christmas Eve. We had to go to 3 stores all at the opposite corners of town to find a place that was open. I was initially really pissed off, thinking... what should you do when your Dom clearly makes the wrong decision?

Well, you should get over yourself and go with it. Because it all worked out in the end, and second guessing and throwing anger around solved nothing. We found everything we needed. We still had time to come home and have a nice dinner together. And me sulking and lashing out helped not one bit. What I should have done was what I initially did. Voice my opinion in a calm manner, let him make his choice, and then just go with it. I did the first part, it's the second part I should have scrapped (the anger and seething when we were having a hard time). Hopefully I will learn for next time.

We had our first Christmas together; just me and him. Lovely candlelit dinner with the Yule Log on. We sat after dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. Talked about the past year. Got up for Christmas morning, had breakfast, did gifts, sat and enjoyed more Yule Log. Sir was extremely thoughtful in his gift-giving. We each came up with a budget for each other. We each went over by a little bit.

Sir and I got a lot of thoughtful things for each other, but my clear favorite from him is this Minecraft baby sheep plush, now oh so cleverly named Sheepie. I asked Sir if we could bring him with us on our road trip (he said yes).

We've since made our way to New Jersey to visit with his family and it's been lovely. His mom spoiled us; truly. And just seeing her is a great thing. I know Sir misses his mother more than he probably lets on, and she definitely misses him with us being so far. A friend of her's actually put us up in a hotel for a couple of nights so we could visit together without being a burden on her already over-encumbered house. Another great blessing.

Before I try to get to sleep (I think this Advil PM is finally doing its job), I wanted to share my new hair, because I love it, I'm really excited, I just realized that pic with Sheepie is the first I'd posted of it (and it's just the top of my head), and Sir told me that I'm allowed to be pleased by my own appearance; I can be proud of my hair!

Now that I'm on winter hiatus from work, I don't have to conform to normal hair color for the next couple of months. Having brightly colored hair is a joy of mine, one I haven't had in at least 7 years.

I started with something simple, just a little taste:

Just a little stripe of purple in the front of my head. Once I had that taste though, I really wanted more. So, as of last week my head is now red on top (fading to pink) and purple at the tips. I am totally in love with it. I hadn't dyed my hair in years! And for my first time attempting something like this, I'm pleased and proud.

Sir likes it too, and has indicated that he'd really love more purple. He's usually pretty indifferent when it comes to my hair (other than brush it and don't cut it), so I'm even more excited!

Merry Christmas! I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday!

Just A Few More Days/Collarless

Just a few more days and then I feel like I can hopefully truly start working on myself and make progress for Sir.

I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.

I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.

I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.

Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.

He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.

I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.

I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.

This Whole Resisting Thing

I've been really overanalyzing my thoughts on resistance and submission lately.

Sir and I have stayed up many nights the past couple of weeks just talking in bed after we turn the lights off about our future (both D/s and otherwise). 

treasure kindly reached out to me after I wrote some of my feelings on resisting. Without replaying  the entire conversation here (a private message is private after all) she gave me a lot of food for thought (and a lot more confidence - things don't just happen overnight, just take one small step at a time). One thing that has really stuck in my mind however, was that the only way I could really start turning everything over to Sir was to really get my soul to believe that this is what I really want and need. She asked: Do you need (not want) to give Him the control?

I struggled with that. The idea of needing vs. wanting submission. Over many days I've found that yes, I do need it. We need it. Could I live without it? Yes, I could. I am capable of being vanilla in my romantic relationship. But not forever. Over time, our relationship would fail, I think. We would be miserable and probably end up parting ways; heartbroken.

My initial answer when reading that question wasn't a yes that burst forth from my being from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. And I think that I should be that confident in my response to that question. Do I need to submit? If the answer is no, then what the hell are we doing here  for the past 4 years, you know?

I was thinking that I was letting some trust issues get in the way of really giving up control to Sir. And that everything was failing because of that. But really... it's not. Yes, we're having a bumpy time trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work for us. But I think Sir and I really overlooked something major when analyzing our situation. 

I'm not the only one who needs to make progress and grow. Sir and I focus so much on me growing as a submissive. But Sir also needs to grow as a dominant. Sir recognizes that his perfect submissive isn't something that I'm going to just wake up and be tomorrow. It is something that we have to work towards and shape. It is likewise for him. He isn't going to be the perfect dominant (and no human beings are really perfect ever), overnight. Becoming the dominant that he wants to be (and that I would need him to be to make our relationship work) isn't going to happen overnight. Things aren't going to magically come together. We have to both work to figure it out. One way we thought of helping him grow is to really make him mindful of it. I reflect much in writing this blog. Sir says it is an invaluable resource when it comes to getting into my head. I find that it also helps me grow as a submissive when I'm actively engaged in thinking about it, both my own feelings and experiences, as well as others. It's why I love interacting with other people and their blogs. Sir is thinking that perhaps he should start a journal or something so he can really begin that self-analysis. I think it would work wonders for him.

I was struggling with the idea of giving up so much control to Sir especially all at once with the new rules, behaviors, procedures, and protocols he's developing, and feeling that it was because I couldn't trust him in some regard. Well, that's partially true. But I think that I should replace the word trust with fear. I don't fear Sir. I fear what will happen if things don't work out like we want them to. I fear that he won't be consistent, that he won't plan fully and think ahead. that things will slip by and we won't grow as people. That things will stop working for us. That we will get complacent and vanilla and bored. That we will be unhappy. So I suppose I don't trust that it is actually going to happen. But can that not happen over time? Little by little? We can BOTH work on  his control and my submission with one thing at a time. Reinstating things that he has had past control over is a good step. They're things we're comfortable with doing. Like controlling how I dress. I tried to go deeper with it, accept it more fully and put a pair of capri shorts into the donation bag. The less pants I own, the more I HAVE to adhere to dress code. But I just put ONE. One little thing at a time. I have maybe a handful more pairs of shorts/pants etc to add. Over time, I'll part with them and accept his control of this. And I'll trust him to be on top of me if he catches me wanting to put on a pair of sweatpants and stroll out the door.

We spoke of our life sort of being "on hold". Yes, we moved in together. Yes, we moved 160 miles from our family and former social circle (thus freeing us up to be more open about kink, and seek information/companionship from the larger community with less risk of being outed). Yes, Sir is working on advancing his career. But ultimately, this is not where we plan to really settle down and live our lives. And in a way, it's a weird sort of headspace we've put ourselves in. Almost like the things we do here "don't matter" because this isn't our real life... yet. We're throwing ourselves into this crazy endeavor for 2 years so Sir can hone the skills he needs to develop a career he will have for the rest of his life. It is stressful. I am finding that I have to support Sir in a "bossy" fashion more than we ever thought I'd need to, not just financially, but to help keep him on task. This is to help him, of course. It's hard to keep a submissive mindset when I'm "telling him what to do" essentially. But I think if we change HOW we think of it, things like that could be part of my submission to him. I am serving him by being bossy and telling him what he needs to do, if it is what he needs to keep him on track academically. If it is what he needs to hear in order to help around the house and not burn out his submissive. This is what is working for us right now. I try to phrase things more submissively: "Sir, there are dishes in the sink," instead of "Sir, do these dishes". That way it is Sir's decision on whether or not to do them, I'm just making him aware. Control will go from me to him, one little thing at a time. Even though our life can be "on hold" we can still live it NOW, and do what is right for us now. We can work on attaining those far-off goals, today.

What  we really need is a plan, and I believe Sir agrees. Sir and I speak a lot about the future, about our wants for life, submission and otherwise. But I think to actually sit down and plan out HOW to accomplish these things will really help. If Sir decides he wants me to get myself into such shape to be able to wear a corset, then we need a plan as to how that will occur. Step 1 is working on my back health/posture, which we're starting. Step 2... needs to be figured out. Things like that. Once his rules are completed, maybe we'll have a baseline of what those things will be. What areas he truly wants control over. One thing we both agree on, is he doesn't want to control my bodily functions. He wants no part of what I do in the bathroom. This is different than, "May I go to the bathroom", because I'm really asking permission to leave his side, not permission to excrete right then and there. He wants that door closed when I'm in there.

So, thank you treasure. Your words really do mean a lot to me, and I take them to heart. It has helped me (and him) ask those important questions that will shape our relationship. It has helped us realize what we really want (and need!) from each other. And it has given us a direction for our future. I really look up to you and your "can do it" disposition, and consider you a friend.

Sir's Birthday Part 2

So, Sir and I had a great day for his birthday, and then had a good sleep. When we awoke, my plan
was to give Sir a nice blowjob (that I meant to give him the night before) using this special spray that numbs the back of my throat so I can take more of him, and really focus on pleasing him.

Sir had other ideas.

As soon as we got up, Sir headed to the back room, and I heard the classic noises of him fiddling with our toybag.

"Bitch, come here."

I came into the room still in my pajamas, and Sir immediately cuffed and locked all my limbs. I admit, I got a little whiney, probably because I had literally just opened an eyeball. I really need to keep myself in check sometimes.

Sir marched be back into the bedroom, changed my comfy collar to the big leather collar, then stripped me bare. He then tied my wrist cuffs together using rope, and bound my arms above my head using the door for leverage. I was whining a little bit, because it was cold. We turn the thermostat down at night, so the house hadn't had a chance to warm up yet.

He brought out the body marker and scrawled across my breasts. When he was finished, my right breast said "Happy", my left breast said "Birthday" and across my chest was "BITCH". I am his "Happy Birthday" Bitch! I'm glad he wrote on me - it's not something we do often. I just hope BITCH is not peeking through my shirt at work tomorrow, haha.

As I faced the door, I felt a lot of sensations, tricking me and making me wiggle. He started off soothing, running his hands up and down my back. Then, Sir brought out a pointy back massager I got at a dollar store somewhere. I could feel it biting into my back and the top of my ass. I could feel the skinny bite of the wartenberg wheel, which felt more like a thin knife across my skin. I think he brought out the metal back scratcher too. I liked when he tried to trick my body, using them simultaneously down my spine, then separating each across my skin. It leaves me trying to figure out which sensations are from which implement.

From there, he brought out the thin whippy belt, leaving little stripes across my back. He hit me hard a few times to leave a deeper mark, and probably also just to show me he could; that he was in control, and if I'm liking the light whipping, it's because he wants me to. He could turn it at any moment. He had me face him, twirling on my toes, arms suspended above my head.

"Whose submissive bitch are you?"

"Yours, Sir."

"What are you?"

"I'm your submissive bitch, Sir."

He then whipped me lightly across the front of my body. I always feel more vulnerable when the front of my body is exposed.

He had me face the wall again. I mentioned that I felt selfish. Here it was his birthday, and I'm the one getting all the attention. He didn't want a blowjob, he wants to do things I like instead?

"It's my birthday, bitch, and I'd like to spend it putting you in the right headspace. Plus, I enjoy doing these things to you, hearing your sounds, watching you squirm... and it's not like you're not giving me a blowjob later!"

Touche, Sir.

Sir then swatted my ass a few times with the big paddle.

He had another implement, and was alternating until he said, "Hard or Soft?"

"Um, what, Sir?"

"Hard or Soft?"

"...um, hard, Sir?"

I felt a soft tickle down my spine. "Hard, or Soft?"

"...um, Soft, Sir?"

-WHAM!- He wailed down on my ass. "Hard or Soft?"

"Soft?"

-A gentle tap on my bottom.-

This continued, him asking me "Hard or soft?", me hesitatingly responding, and him either complying or not. I wasn't ever sure what to say, because he's going to do what he wants anyway.

He asked me if I knew why he was doing this. I wasn't sure. He knows I dislike having to make decisions, especially when he asks me what I want. I feel put on the spot and out of ideas. I liked this activity because it was a choice, but it was controlled. Instead of infinite options, there were a few selections. It made it easier. But if he was going to give me a choice, and then do what he wants, why bother giving me a choice in the first place?

Sir educated me. "You can choose, but it is up to me to decide if the choice is the best thing for you. You can ask, but I decide."

It was a little bit of a mindfuck for me. A small part of me still feels like he is going to do what he wants anyway, he knows what he feels is best for me anyway, so why have me choose? That being said, I like the choices, even if he doesn't acquiesce to my selection. Because he can do what he wants.

I started to reach my arm suspension limit, so Sir unbound my arms. I was a lucky girl, for he let me serve his cock! I trimmed him nicely, and then after applying my "Deep Throat" spray, got to sucking. I'm glad Sir got his birthday blowjob after all!

The Little Voice in the Back of Your Head

I went out to complete the tasks that Sir set for me. I came back and put purchased items away, and started making lunch. I was actively cutting vegetables when I realized that I had not yet put my collar back on now that I was back in the privacy of our home.

I hesitated.

Sir wasn't home. He wouldn't know. I could have it back on way before he came home, and it would seem as though nothing was amiss.

But I would know. The little voice in the back of my head was frowning at me. I could feel that niggling thought worming its way through my brain as I put another slice in the peppers.

I stopped and put the collar back on.

It felt good to do the right thing. I know Sir would have been happy, and that brought me peace.

Make Me

I've been pretty sick.

Its been crazy busy at work, planning and running an event last week. Once it was over, I immediately came down with a head/chest cold.

I've not been feeling particularly sexy, and I'm pretty under the weather.

That really did not matter to Sir this morning. Last night, he started to initiate romance and apparently I wasn't cooperating (I was sleeping). This morning he decided that It. Was. Happening.

Feeling unsexy, sick, and tired, I wasn't so into it at first, but the fact that he had made this decision regardless of how I was feeling was actually appealing. Lucky for me, Sir was determined that my body would agree with him. I suppose though, I wouldn't want to be with Sir if he would disregard my pain and health by not making sure I was "ready".

I've been really susceptible to infection lately, so just going for it gets me pain and a trip to the doctor on the regular, which I hate. I'm hoping that I'll  not need a trip to the doctor this week. I also hope the Sir won't need the doctor by picking up my germs.

In other news, I've been deferring to Sir more when it comes to decision making. I came to him last week regarding my finances. Sir and I are saving up for something big. I am receiving a sizeable work stipend for overtime at the end of this week. I didn't know if I should just throw it towards our savings, or possibly pre-pay some of the expenses we'll encounter with our new plans. So, I deferred to Sir. He made some really good points.

If I pre-pay some expenses, those funds are now tied up. And if something bad happens and we need emergency money, it won't be there. We can always pay those expenses as we go. He also insisted that I take some of the stipend and do/get something nice for myself because he says I deserve it and have been working really hard. I'm not sure exactly what to do for myself, but I've been kicking around a few ideas:

A mani/pedi
A massage
A bicycle from Craigslist (I really want a bike)
A cockatiel (this won't happen but its a lovely idea)
Some kind of fun event
A SIMS game
A food scale
A new dress

Maybe Sir will help me with these ideas, too. 

How Much of My Feelings Should I Let Through?

Sir and I had a bit of a difficult night, tonight.

I've been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress lately. My outdoor job suddenly needs me A LOT, and I've been working nearly every day. I have this new upcoming job that has been really disorganized. They've changed my position twice, and I've not even started yet. The workload for the position they now want me for is going to be enormous, but I don't have ANY time off to prepare. I have a training for them tomorrow, and I'm hoping to address these concerns. I'm getting fed up and anxious. But I need this job so badly that I can't really tell them where to go.

My home life has been rather difficult. My roommate has been just that - my ROOMmate. But it's been taking a toll on us. No privacy. No autonomy. Plus the fact that we're both in our late twenties with steady relationships make things awkward to have been sharing a bedroom. We had to find a different solution, so everyone had to move around. Her boyfriend built her a loft in one of our closets. I switched to a smaller room. To do that, the house is upside down. My adorable cat urinated on ALL of my clothes, bedding, and baggage that I had placed on the couch during this move for a reason that I cannot fathom. And the couch too. And the bottom of my closet. So I've been trying to work on what he peed on and where so I can try to get it out. It's way too many items, definitely over 50% of my things. Some of these items are irreplaceable - hand made, by me. Some of them can be replaced, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I'm attempting to get the odor out. I've spent the past few days smelling everything and putting them into piles.

Sir called me tonight while I was in the middle of this. My nose is shot - it sounds like I have a cold, but I don't. Usually, I try to keep my mood as pleasant as possible for him, whether he knows it or not.I try not to let him see my anger, especially if its not directed at him. But tonight, he got a big dose of my angst. I wasn't yelling or anything, but in the middle of talking, he says abruptly - "can I just call you back later?" I said okay, but I was upset inside. Both at him and myself.

I'm upset with myself because my feelings and anger obviously upset Sir. He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with it. He tried, but in this situation there's really nothing he can do. So maybe, I should keep these things inside and not bring him down. I'm supposed to uplift him, not drag him with me.

On the other hand, this is who I am. I am a grouchy person. I've told him this intellectually, but I don't usually present that side of myself to him. But I think he needs to know. He needs to know me - all of me. And I don't respond well to being overstressed. Which I am; a lot. So, I guess I feel like he needs to learn to deal with it, or handle me. As my Dom.

But if its not my place to be like that, I need to learn to channel these feelings in other ways. Usually, when I'm upset, I'll try and confront the person involved. Except here, I really can't. I can't go yell at my cat and gain any sort of closure. I can't just do a quick wash of these things and have it be okay. I can't tell my job to get their shit together. I can't have the house magically fix itself.

So where is the line? Do I keep it in, or do I let it out? Or some other option I can't think of?

Sir called back and apologized for essentially "hanging up on me" (his words). He said that he didn't know what to do, and he couldn't help. So I suppose that means that I should try to keep it contained. On the other hand, I'm sort of upset with him because he can't handle me. This happens from time to time. We're growing, we're learning...except I suppose I feel that he's not. I don't feel he spends time trying to research, or think of new things. I feel that our D/s relationship is stagnant.

Sitting here processing this makes me think that maybe, I should have just stopped. Tried to meditate or relax so I could be in a better state to have a conversation. We don't have any rituals for that. And I'm even hesitant to mention it because I don't want to top from the bottom. I want him to come up with things on his own.

He gave me extra time tonight to write this. But I do have that training early in the morning and I need to head to bed. Time to send a goodnight text and hit the sheets. Maybe sleep will help me process this.

Sir Was Right

Boy was he so right...

Sir made me interview and do the demo for that job I didn't want. I thought it was a comedy of errors and a waste of time at first. I was late due to being lost, I accidentally dropped a raw egg on the floor, and I ran out of materials in the middle of the demo... but they loved it and they offered me the job! They even went so far to say that if I didn't accept, they would have to start the process all over, because I'm the only one they want.

I haven't accepted it yet; waiting to hear from one more job before I do (a longer term position).

I guess he had some sort of domly intuition about making me do the right thing for my career.

When the Right Decision Isn't the One You Want

Sometimes it is really hard to have him make the right choices for me. I am job searching again. It feels like I am always going on an interview. I applied for a job that I didn't really want, worried that I would have no income. They called me in, and because I don't actually want this job, I did fabulous on the interview and they called me back for a demo. I really do not want to do this. It's a subject I'm unfamiliar with. It's a three month position. There are no benefits. But... if I end up having NO job, this is certainly better.

I was 99 percent sure that I was going to call them with a tactful lie and get out of this entire situation, but Sir was clear that it is in my best interest to do this. So here I am, as I finish prepping with his permission to be up late. I will rent a car tomorrow morning (mine is in the shop). I will go to work. I will leave work, do this demo, and come back. It will be a pain. I don't want to.

But he is so right, in that it's what I should do. *grumble grumble*

And so I shall.

Decisions

I really don’t like having to make really important decisions. I can. And I do, every day. But I don’t like it. I’m not talking about things like what I should wear or eat. I’m talking more about career decisions, money decisions and the like. And more specifically –

Car decisions.

I got a call from the mechanic yesterday and my car is done. D-O-N-E. There was no accident thankfully, but apparently I drove over something that caused a massive oil leak, and in turn ruined my timing belt and destroyed my engine. It’s not even worth fixing at this point. I’m not sure if this could have come at a better or worse a time.

On the one hand, my job just ended, so I’m not really missing work everyday. I can’t do reliable temp work right now, but at least I don’t have to rent a car everyday to get to work.

On the other hand, my job just ended. I do have some savings, but getting a car will use almost all of it. And I need a car. I can get around my town just fine, and we have excellent mass transit. Around here. Which is not where I work, or where any of my potential jobs and their interviews are. Or Sir for that matter. He’s an hour away. He has no problem coming to me, or picking me up, lovely man that he is, but I can’t expect that from him, and it’s not fair.

And despite being 28 years old, I have never really purchased a car before. All of my cars were either family vehicles, or obtained from someone we knew. And I don’t really know how to go about doing this. Sure, I can go online, research models, makes, types, budget, mileage, etc (which I have). But when it comes to actually going to a dealership, I’m petrified. I am really nervous about being pressured into something, overpaying, or ending up with a lemon.

Sir wants to help me with this, but he really can’t. By the time he’d be able to get here, it’d be at least 6 o' clock. And I work on the weekends (for which I am grateful to have kept the part-time job, even though it was really taxing). I so wish he could help me though. This is one of those times where I wish he could make a decision for me, and he can't. And I just really don’t want to go alone.

I think it would surprise most of my vanilla friends that I am really apprehensive about this. I seem to have the reputation for being a confident, in-your-face, get-shit-done type of gal. Which I’ll try to present at the dealerships, but when I’m uncomfortable or unsure, I get really shy.

I’m going to ask a local friend of mine if he would go with me, and hopefully he will and I can get the ball rolling. Or maybe as in the past, a friend will know someone that is trying to sell their car, and I can take it to my mechanic to check out and do it that way.

I just want to have a plan of action already. Once I have a plan, or a decision, or a decision is made for me, I immediately calm down and just accept it and go with the flow.