Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Adverse Reactions & Anxiety

I nearly had a panic attack on Sunday. I haven’t had one in YEARS.

The Dirty Old Man picked something more along the lines of what I would expect for another toy review. A Wartenberg Wheel. On Sunday, he finally tried it out on me. I’ll try to keep the experience of the wheel as limited as possible, to save that for the review. I don’t want this to be sole review, because it wasn’t a defect in the toy that caused me to react this way.

He bound my arms behind my back with very limited motion, and asked me if I knew what was coming next. I didn’t, which surprised him. As my back was turned to him, I heard him fumbling around for something. I really enjoy anticipation like that. Then, I felt something, which I could not really place. Eventually I understood that he had finally taken out the new toy. I found it pleasant at first. Then, he had me turn around to use it on my breasts and nipples. He has a particular fondness for breast and nipple play. Using on my nipples wasn’t so bad, but it did make me extremely nervous. We were testing different pressures, and he began using it pretty intensely (I thought) on my breasts and nipples. I told him that I didn’t like that, though I wasn‘t exactly sure why at the time. He moved on to other areas around my chest. I had to stop him. “Sir... I feel dizzy”.

My heart was pounding in my chest, my lungs were closing up, and I was about 2 seconds from having a full blown panic attack. I used to have anxiety episodes pretty frequently, but over time, sans medication, I have learned to control them through breathing and my own thoughts, and I haven’t had one in a really long time. When I informed him of my state, he immediately stopped everything and just held me, which was what I needed, I think. I got really upset however, and started to cry. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had disappointed him, by not being strong enough to handle this. By forcing him to cut this experience short. After I had calmed down a bit, he told me that he wasn’t disappointed in me at all. My safety and well being was of utmost importance to him, and he was glad that I had told him what I was feeling. He said that it was his job to take care of me, and if he wasn’t, well then… why was he here?

I was happier, and I felt better. I told him that I didn’t want to stop what we were doing. He wisely chose something else other than the wheel - The chopsticks, which I usually really like. But that day, I just couldn’t handle it. Ten seconds in, it was clear to him that I was done. I think it was more clear to him than it was to me; I really wanted to try and power through it. In the end I’m glad he made this choice for me, however. I did get really upset again for not being able to handle things again, and cutting things short, but he reassured me. He held me and we cuddled. I required that closeness to calm down; it made me feel safe. When I was ready, we coupled, which was what I needed. To still feel worthy, and desirable, and to feel that I could still do something for him.

Having this reaction really scared me. It’s the first time I’ve ever really freaked out on him. At first I really didn’t understand it, since I did like the sensations of the wheel, and I know it won‘t cut me, and I trust my D.O.M. But thinking about it, I think it was the idea of piercing that got to me. I know logically that this toy is not really designed to break skin (and it didn’t). But in the sensitive area of my breasts and nipples, I think I was afraid that I was going to be cut, or pierced, which plays into my needle phobia a bit. After I was already nervous, having it around my chest just heightened my anxieties. I think I feared that I would be cut near my chest, which I know logically won’t happen, but most of my actual fears are usually illogical. I have anxieties about my heart. When I first started having panic attacks about ten years ago, it was always centered on my heart: having a heart attack, or disease, fibrillating, etc (which was usually triggered by something else, but that‘s how it would manifest). I learned to calm myself down by breathing and just focusing on my pulse. So having the toy so close to my heart and chest after becoming anxious probably just made it worse.

Despite all this, I feel so thrilled that I have such a wonderful Dom as I do. I feel like he made all the right choices in this situation, and really helped me to stay calm, and safe, despite myself. We talked about it, and I would like to try this toy again, but with this knowledge in mind. We can avoid the trigger areas, perhaps, and have a safe, and fun experience.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

BSDM in Songs

I have been hearing BDSM in songs everywhere. I actually have a Project Playlist with songs that I personally find relevant, or get me feeling or thinking about my Dom or submission, but I’ve had to dig to find those. Now, on my drive to work, I constantly hear pop songs that have heavy BDSM themes. It makes me think: how acceptable is this lifestyle becoming?

I tend to think of myself as more of an alt rock girl, but pop is… well, popular. If there are a lot of BDSM themes in this music, does that reflect the times? In a way I’d like to think so, but for most people, I think they’re just playing at it. It’s one thing to be coy and make jokes and hint about being kinky. It can be seen as flirtatious or outgoing, or perhaps desirable. It’s fine to have a night exploring something. But the reality of it? I don’t think most people actually realize what it’s like. Many of the same people who blast Rihanna’s S & M in their car would probably look aghast at what the Dirty Old Man and I get up to, emotionally, symbolically, and of course, sexually. I don't think they would accept the reality of us.

Of course, I could be dead wrong, and there are probably a lot more people who are into TTWD than I realize. I also wonder if I am noticing more BDSM in songs because there are actually more of those themes in the songs being made, or because I am more aware of this lifestyle now. Am I unconsciously (or actively) looking more for this sort of thing?

What are some of your favorite BDSM related songs? Either explicit and obvious, or more subtle to those in the know? Here’s the very first song I put into my play list: Muse - Undisclosed Desires. Maybe I can add more!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Blindfolds and Blowjobs

I think everyone has the tendency to plan and picture something out in their head before it actually happens. It’s usually either the best of outcomes or the worst, never actual reality. It took me a while before I would actively think about what being blindfolded for him would be like. I’m aware that out of a list of kinks, being blindfolded is quite vanilla. However, I wanted to write about real life and how realities set in. Usually, when I would imagine these scenarios, I would be bound. I would be servicing him, or he would be doing unseen things to me, and it always ended in a nice clean fashion, all smiles (at least at the very end).

The first time he blindfolded me (awhile ago) started off very nice. I was eager as this was new territory for us, and sometimes I think I am a little bit greedy for his attentions. I had time to revel in my sight being taken away. I could take in all the sounds. I would try to anticipate what would be coming. When it came to servicing my Dirty Old Man, I was happy. I wondered how it would be different than usual. I did not consider, however, how it would be exactly the same.

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to fellatio. It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s not even that sometimes my neck and mouth get tired. I like doing it. I enjoy making my partner feel good, and this act is a wonderful form of service that often makes me feel quite submissive. When I get tired, I do my best to continue and concentrate on him, though I think I need a bit more practice. It’s also a bit of a turn on for me. My actual problem - it’s the big finish.

I hate semen.

I hate the way it tastes. I hate its somewhat sudden arrival into my mouth. And most of all, I hate its texture. It’s like someone has just hawked a giant loogie into my mouth. I think it’s the texture that really kills it for me. It makes me gag. Every. Single. Time. I’m trying to work on controlling my reactions, but I don’t think I’ve made much progress lately. My big step was being able to take ejaculate in my mouth. Usually, I would just finish using my hands. But since that milestone, I’ve not been able to progress.

So, as all good things come to an end, the Dirty Old Man and I are finishing up. I know it’s coming. I am mentally preparing myself. I was able to handle the past few times really well at the end. This time will be fine, right?


Despite myself, I started gagging, which for the first time, turned to a little bit of vomiting. No problem, I’ll just hop right up to the garbage, or run right into the bathroom. Oh wait, I can’t see a damn thing, and now I’m panicking and tripping a bit. I believe my hands were also bound behind me at the time; I couldn’t take the blindfold off. The Dom caught on and helped me out, but I ended up being extremely embarrassed. I felt disgusting and I was worried that I ruined what should have been a pleasurable experience for him. I think I even cried a bit.

Now, I can laugh a little while thinking about it. I think about how silly I must have looked with puffed up chipmunk cheeks doing a circular dance and tripping. But the reality of something doesn’t always mesh with expectations.

Since then I’ve had other chances to be blindfolded that have balanced out this occasion. I find the Dirty Old Man to be very creative and inventive at times. The most recent instance involved my metal nail file of all things. It was lovely, and made me want to continue exploring loss of this sense.

I think it’s just important to think more about Risk Management. Follow Murphy’s law, and try your best to be prepared. Sometimes there are situations that you wouldn’t have considered, but believe me, since that experience, we’re ready for this situation every time. Sometimes no one can teach you as well as life experience. There really isn’t a manual or a Google prompt for this sort of thing!

Monday, August 01, 2011

First Review: EdenFantasys Pocket Rocket Vibrator

Since entering this blog world, I’ve seen some great reviews on other blogs of sex toys and other items from time to time, usually from EdenFantasys. I’ve also heard loads of good things about them as a company in general. So when I was approached for their review program, I was delighted and flattered.

I thought that this would be a neat activity for The Dom and me. He would pick out the items for us to try, and then we’d have fun trying them and sharing with others. This seems to be working out fairly well, with the issue of time. We’ve not yet had the time to try this item together since it arrived, so for this review, it’s mainly me going solo.

When the item first arrived, I was pleased to see that it was in very discreet nondescript packaging. I know that it was supposed to come in this manner, but my nervous nature was still worried about nosy neighbors. “Did you see what the girl from 2G got delivered?” Major bonus points to keep that aspect of my life private.

So, what was the first thing the Dom chose out of all the sex toys available?


The Doc Johnson Black Magic Pocket Rocket.

What a gorgeous little package…

I was a little bit surprised by his choice; I thought he’d go for something more bondage or sensory related. Though thinking about it, I can understand it.

I don’t really use toys. When I feel the urge, I do best with my imagination and my own two hands. I do own ONE sex toy, which I barely use, and even that wasn’t acquired solely by me. When I turned 21, my cousin decided that it was time for newly single Lea to put on her big girl pants and obtain a sex toy, probably as some rite of passage (hitting a bar wouldn't have been novel experience for us at all - we start early in our family). We left our Manhattan apartment (and by left, I mean she dragged me by the arm), down to St. Mark’s Place, where we selected our item. Said item has been in a drawstring bag almost constantly ever since.

The Dom likes it when I am sexually satisfied. He said that for him, the whole orgasm denial thing doesn’t make sense. He WANTS me to climax for him. That being said, I am admittedly a hard nut to crack. When I do cum for him, it’s almost by surprise each time; when I‘m just enjoying us together and not wrapped up in trying (Though, once, in a very assertive tone, he demanded that I cum for him, and damn if that didn’t do the trick! I just worry about that not working a second time, getting overused etc). So, typically, when I’m actively trying hard for him, it eludes me. Recently, he bound me and got out my poorly used toy, and had good success! I’m thinking he’s got plans for this newer and better model. My current/old toy could have been manufactured by Crayola. It’s hard, unforgiving bright red plastic. Also, not very discreet. I was babysitting a few years ago and the kid found it in my drawer. She was using it as a sword when I came in with her snack. I was gone 2 minutes!

En Garde!

Back to the new. Upon opening it, my first impression was that it was smaller than I expected. Well duh, Lea, it IS a POCKET rocket. The second thing I thought was that it was lovely to the touch. It has a very velvety exterior that is very pleasing. I actually enjoyed just touching it for the sake of touching it. I even had my roommate touch it, just because it was that nifty.

Stroke me! You know you want to!

As for its use, initially I was a bit scared. Like I mentioned before, I don’t use sex toys, usually I just use my hands. For the one I do own, though it has a vibrating feature, I rarely ever used it. I don’t know if it’s because I was afraid I’d not like “real” sex, or because it was quite loud, or for some other reason, but I avoided that feature constantly, up until the Dom used it on me.

I gathered my big girl courage, and twisted the body to turn it on. It is… amazingly quiet. As for using it - Good Lord it packs a punch, at least for this girl. I went from indifferent to on the edge of orgasm in seconds. Where I hovered. And hovered. And hovered. Eventually I got frustrated, and finished myself off in a more traditional way. I refused to let that be it though. Over the next week or so, I would try many more times, and I became much more successful, having some very powerful experiences. I think because I never use vibrators, my body was just not used to the sensation, and though amazingly intense, it just couldn’t go over the edge at first. The tip has little protrusions on it that really feel like they’re gripping you in all the right places. I didn’t even realize that the cap came off until the Dom got to see the toy (How silly of me)! He did briefly use it on my nipples which was… interesting. I hope to explore more of that later. I’ll have to try all this again with the cap off, though perhaps I’ll save that pleasure for his use; he’s got to have something to try with what he picked, right?

How could I have this for all that time and not known the cap comes off?!

So, all in all, I really like this toy. It has a lovely exterior, an intense buzz, it’s very quiet, and the interchangeable cap will probably make for different experiences. The only downside that both the Dom and I saw was that it only has one setting. But EdenFantasys has loads of pocket rocket vibrators with different interchangeable heads, textures, settings.. There’s even a Hello Kitty vibrator!

EdenFantasys, thanks for the lovely experience!
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