Monday, March 21, 2011

Epiphanies and Revelations

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. While trying on a dress in a fitting room, I was waiting for my roommate to come over and give me her opinion. Absentmindedly, I was fiddling with the dress while waiting, and a few moments later, I look down to see that I had bound myself into this dress (It is a wraparound dress that has long pieces of fabric to tie the wrap together). I was immediately amused, but it also made me realize that I always do this. Even as a kid, I would toy with ropelike fabrics, or just fabrics in general, and bind myself into them in different ways. I never really considered it part of this journey before, but I suppose that’s more because it was not something that I had remembered. It was such an “Aha!” moment that I feel like a bit of the puzzle has fallen into place. I recently engaged in a tiny bit of bondage, and I enjoyed it immensely. I can’t imagine that NOT being part of this life, and even when I would think about it previously, it was always a component in my mind.

Another revelation I had a few weeks ago concerns reactions and how you can be surprised by them. I am a thinker. I usually consider how something will go before I agree to do it, or in preparation for something that I think might happen. As such, I usually consider how I would feel about something. My actual reactions to things usually match up with my expected reactions, but on this instance, they didn’t match up. As we were leaving a restaurant, the man that I’ve been seeing (I really need to come up with a name for him) held me by the wrist as we left. It was something that I was expecting, and something we were talking about previously. I thought that I would be fine with it; that I would be calm, or feel submissive, but that’s not really what happened. I suppose you can definitely say I was feeling submissive in that moment, but I was also very anxious and nervous. It took me some time to analyze it, but I felt like I was in trouble. Initially, I likened it to feeling like a small child, but that wasn’t quite accurate. I felt as though I had done something improper or displeasing, and that I was about to be taken to task. We talked about it, and it will definitely have its use for the future, but I wonder about the reactions of others.

How do you feel when your significant other takes you by the wrist? Or, if you are one that is doing the wrist-taking, what is your usual intent or purpose?
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