Sunday, June 03, 2018

Life is Low

Sometimes it can be hard for me to appreciate the good. Right now I just feel like life is hard and we're constantly getting shit on. Just when things seem to be on the up, it's time for them to come back down.

In no particular order:

1. My knee still sucks. Hopefully it will be healed in 3 weeks.
2. Sports... is just not happening right now for me. And if I do heal it will be months to catch up.
3. Sir and I are moving. While this is good, its really stressful.
4. My freaking car straight up died on Wednesday. Abruptly and without warning. The engine is likely blown. I had it towed to Sir's mechanic on Thursday night. He still hasn't looked at it. I'm hoping he gets to it Monday.
5. I am now getting up even more ass-early than I do everyday so I can drop Sir off at work first, then go to work myself. I pick him up after my shift ends, and he has to wait a half hour everyday after his shift for me to do so. We are exhausted.
6. If my engine IS blown, we have no money prepared to get a new car right now, and our work schedules will not line up so we can handle life with one car forever.  We have some money saved, but it was supposed to go to the move.
7. My grandmother is dying and has days, maybe weeks to live. I was supposed to go see her today, probably for the last time. Nope, that's not happening.
8. I love my mother, but she is just... a lot to deal with. On a good day. On bad ones where she's crabby because of her back, she's still grieving my father, and now add her mother dying to the list... and she's started drinking everyday again... It's a lot for me to try and deal with her.

It's not ALL bad though, and I really need to remember that.

1. My knee IS making progress. I can now bend it a little. I couldn't do that before.
2. Sports... will still be there. Everyone is super awesome, it is just me and my own head that feels inadequate.
3. The move will make our commutes shorter and our lives easier!
4. The car.. well I don't really have an upside for that. At least I made it nearly all the way home before it died?
5. At least Sir has a job that is kind of on the way to my job. At least our work schedules are currently lining up so we CAN get by with one car, even if it is inconvenient. If Sir was still working at his old job, one car would not be feasible and I don't know what we would do. I guess I would be renting, with money we don't really have.
6. My mother offered to lend me money to put a down payment on a new car, if need be. She said that for once in her life, she is in a position where she can help, unlike any other time in her life before. So there's that.
7. Maybe I will still get to see my grandmother before she goes. If not, at least she won't be suffering anymore. She is terminally ill and in a lot of pain. She also doesn't really want anyone to see her like that, but its hard to know she is going to leave the earth and NOT want to see her.
8. At least I still have my mother, issues and all. Not many people have a parent left.

And I still have a roof over my head, food in the house, a job to support us that I generally like, and family and friends to love and be loved by. And Sir. Sir is my... everything.

So, shit is hard right now, but hopefully it will turn out okay. I need to not throw myself a pity party and just keep swimming. In the meantime, I am dealing by using my favorite coping mechanism: eating whatever the fuck I want lately.

Hopefully when this all settles I'll be back for Fit for Fridays, and blogland in general.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Injury Update

I've been a little MIA lately, and I expect that will be the norm for the next several weeks until we move and are settled into the new place. There's just... a lot.

I ended up really injuring my knee. My hamstring tendon is torn. I'm wearing a brace, and I'm on light duty at work. I can't walk for extended periods of time, and sports practice is definitely out. I'm still going, but I'm just observing now. Its the worst timing too; I have nearly met all my requirements to join the actual team, and this is going to set me back, by months probably. Sir and I are also trying to pack to get ready for the move, and my injury is definitely not helping.

I have a long commute to work and driving in my car hurts. Plus, it is causing strain at work as we try to figure out how to have other people balance the physical responsibilities I cannot do right now. Everyone has been very understanding about it; I just feel terrible.

I am picking up Sir from work in a little bit, and then he is going to drive us to NY (so I can rest my knee). It is my mom's 60th birthday tomorrow. My brother and I chipped in to get her a new computer. She has been without a real computer for a couple of years now. We got her a tablet, but she hasn't taken to it. She's just not used to it, I guess. So I hope she'll be more comfortable with the new technology. We tried to pick things that would be as familiar to her as possible. I don't consider my mom to be old, but she has always been what she calls an "electronic nightmare". She doesn't take to technology well. Conversely, my 81 year old grandmother is pretty tech savvy! I guess it skipped my mom.

Tomorrow we're going to surprise her with Red Lobster and a cake. My mom broke her back last month and while she isn't paralyzed, she isn't very mobile while she is healing. She had "a procedure" on her spine last Friday (she refuses to call it surgery), and hopefully she can start healing, but it is going to take time. So we are going to bring the party to her. Red Lobster has an online to-go ordering system. I'm going to tell her that I'm picking up my brother, and while I am going to do that, we'll swing by the restaurant to pick up her surprise food and get a little cake.

Tomorrow night, Sir and I are going to a fancy get-together for his family. His aunt and uncle are celebrating 50 years of marriage! I always enjoy getting all dolled up with Sir. It will be nice to schmooze with his extended family too; I definitely feel like we don't do that enough.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I Asked for a Spanking

Lately, I've been feeling like things are just too much. I have too much to do. I've been too much in charge. And the few things I *wish* I could be in charge of (like my body working) are out of my control.

I was feeling "off". Not submissive. Not quite me.

I fretted about it. About getting off track. About going back down that rabbit hole again. It took so very long for us to get back on track, so to speak. After reading some blogs, I decided to do what others have done, and go to Sir. Ask him for a spanking.

And once I thought about that, I fretted over that too. Sir wasn't going to be home from work for awhile. I don't recall ever asking him for a spanking. He's given them to me when he's said I'd needed it, but I don't recall actually asking. It's just not something we do; not part of our dynamic. At least, it wasn't.

When he got home, I didn't ask immediately. A couple hours went by. Eventually I brought it up when Sir was getting ready to take a shower. I talked about how we'd been letting things go, and that I've been stressed and that I just felt like I needed a spanking. That I felt like I would be better with one.

Well, no sooner did the words come out of my mouth, did he have his hands in my hair and was pulling me down to the bed. He gave me about ten good swats before letting me up.

"This is just a warm-up. I am going to take a shower and then there will be more."

He finished his shower, and said: "Bitch, get me a glass of water."

I think that he may have needed this, too. Just the mention of it had him in a more domly headspace.

I brought him some water. He instructed me to get face down on the bed. We were careful about my knee.

And then he started. Lightly at first. Over my pajamas and panties. It had been a long time. He lingered, drawing the process out, allowing me to get warmed up. Just his hand, swatting me, rubbing, stroking, pinching. He increased his intensity, delivering stronger and faster blows.

And then, he asked me if I knew why he wanted me to bring him some water.

"... Because you were thirsty, Sir?"

"Well, yes, but also so I could do this!"

He placed that cold cup right on my back, pressing it into my flesh. He gets a kick out of being "mean".

He continued striking me, every so often caressing his handiwork. I heard him leave briefly, then felt the sharp sting of his belt. I reveled in hearing it cut through the air, even as I braced myself for impact, clenching my muscles almost involuntarily. I felt joy in hearing the belt tap his back as he pulled his hand back for the next blow. A steady rhythm to lose yourself into.

In the past 7 years, Sir has gotten very good with his aim. Good enough to give me a little mindfuck, stroking me, then hitting with the belt in almost the same area. Raising his hand off me as though to spank, only to feel the blow of the belt. It was hard to tell what was going to come next. Eventually he pulled my pajamas down, gradually letting it get more and more intense, before pulling my panties down and really laying into me, reddening my ass.

Abruptly, he stopped.

"Bitch, refill my water."

"Yes, Sir."

He had me gingerly get off the bed, and walk awkwardly into the kitchen with my pajamas and panties pulled down around my knees to refill his cup. Something about that is humiliating. And hot.

He shared his water with me, then told me to get back down on the bed.

He wasn't pulling any punches this time. He switched from his short belt, to the thicker belt I am required to wear as part of my work uniform. It certainly packs a wallop, I came to find out. I was squirming and moaning by the end of it.

And I can just imagine what I'll be thinking about next time I have to wear it!

Once he was done, he had me sit up. I am pretty tender, even just sitting on the soft bed. But it was a nice little reminder that I will carry with me tomorrow.

I definitely feel better. More focused. More centered. And I think Sir does too.

Thank you, Sir.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Collar is Back After Over a Week!

Things have felt so crazy here lately. If it wasn't for Fit for Friday, I probably wouldn't have posted at all in the past three weeks.

I don't think it is going to slow down until mid-summer. We found a place! And now...we have to move. We have to pack. An entire two bedroom apartment, plus the basement, which is full of my dad's stuff. That is probably going to take up all of our free time.

I am currently sitting with my leg up. I strained my tendon (hopefully; it may be a tear), and was told to be off of it for four days. The first two days I had work at a big event we were putting on. There was a lot of moving, though I tried to be "off" of it as much as I could. Today and tomorrow, I am off. So I will rest it as much as possible. I feel guilt that some things aren't getting done right now though (cleaning, packing, yardwork, etc). But I'll see if I can do some of it without causing pain and stress to my knee.

In other news, I am happy to say I am back to wearing my collar. It was off for about a week and a half. I had some kind of irritation or rash or something on my neck and the collar was exacerbating it.  I also noticed I had a pimple and I think I'm getting more skin tags. I'm wondering if all that is due to the collar. I have been remiss in that I don't think we really ever clean this leather. It's not something I ever thought about. Though it is not jewelry, I think I treat it as such, and I hardly ever clean my jewelry either (unless it needs it). But my neck is finally better after giving it a break. It finally healed enough for the collar to come back. It actually felt weird! I thought I was so used to it, but after just over a week of it being off, it felt a little like a stranger again.

It's back, and thank goodness. I think it does wonders for my headspace. Without it, I can feel myself drifting from submission. I probably need to ask Sir for a spanking or something.

Friday, May 11, 2018

FFF 15 - On Time with Good News!

Fit for Friday!!! I'm liking FFF not only for the health challenge, but this has become where I've started doing my "regular life" updates each week as well.

Great news this week. Sir and I got the apartment we applied for!

We'll be moving in July, less than 2 months away! We're very excited. And now, we have a LOT of packing to do.

In other news I screwed my knee up on Saturday.  Finally got to the Doctor today, it's likely sprained. If it doesn't start to heal in the next 4 days, then it might be torn, and I'll need an MRI. I really hope it starts to heal. I have a very active job which isn't helping, and I can't play my sport like this.

I hope it starts healing so I can get back into the swing of things.

Workouts: 3/7 - Two sports practices. Lots of walking and physical activity at work. My knee made it difficult to do more.

Eating: 3/7 - Three decent days. I went out with the girls after practice and made some poor life choices on Wednesday. The rest of the days I threw myself a bit of an eating party. Its how I cope with stress, pain, and PMSing.

Weight: Maintained this week. I'll take it!

Stress: 👎 It's been a bit rough at work, and with my knee. 

Decluttering: 👎 None really this week. But now that we have a place I expect there to be much purging and packing! I'm off on Monday, I expect to start then.

Sleep: 5.5/7 - 👍 Did great this week, totally made up for last week. Just gotta try to keep it up. Wednesday I didn't do too hot, staying out till about 1 am, then going to work, but the other days

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