Tastes, Rules, and Getting Better

Sir had me complete a BDSM checklist this weekend. We did a checklist when we had first started seeing each other, over 3 years ago. He didn't find the same list we used the first time (though I just found it now and sent it to him), but even just thinking about it, it's interesting to see what has changed.

The experiences we've had together is nice to note as well as the increased knowledge. When we first started, there were a lot of items that Sir had to explain to me. Now, with just a couple of exceptions I understood what nearly the entire list was asking.

Its interesting to note there are things that I need - that are essential to our relationship that I cannot do without (taking orders, general submission, receiving assorted pain). There are more things that I am willing to try.

And though Sir didn't fill it out, it started a good dialogue and brought out his desire for heavier metal bondage pieces like chastity belts (which I knew about) and bondage fiddles (which was new to me).

As far as rules go; they've been pretty light. I no longer have a bedtime rule. I no longer have a texting when I get to work rule. It's not that these things aren't important; its more that they're no longer an issue. Even if I go to sleep past 11 pm once in a while, I'm generally really good now about getting decent sleep. I'm not staying up working until 2-3 am and getting up at 6 everyday. So, because it is not a need, it is not a rule. I think that's fair. Though I think I could benefit from some sort of bedtime rule; perhaps a texting rule, even if that text gets sent at  10:12, 11:59, or 12:30.

We don't have a mandated blog post rule either - though I think I could benefit from that. Even if it's not a rule per se, and more of a designated time where I am instructed to either write in my blog or read posts. I have not been making time for it, and honestly I miss it. I miss reading about you guys, I miss the sense of community. I also feel better about my submission when I actively think and reflect on it, and this is the best medium for that.

I've generally been keeping my house/bedroom clean. There are times where it gets much, but I've gotten better. I could probably use some more rules on this. As well as keeping my bed to Sir's standard. While I have gotten better, he and I both know that it is not all the time. I have a full size bed and I sleep alone when he's not here. So the other side of the bed accumulates things. Books, clothing, just... stuff. Sometimes I put it away. Sometimes I don't. 

I've been pretty good about being ready when Sir and I have to go somewhere, or if he's meeting me.

The unofficial rules:

Dress. I keep to his dress code 95% of the time. He's not ever officially reinforced it. I don't purchase any new pants for myself. I've given most of mine away. But I do have probably about 4 pairs of real pants left (I have some workout pants, but I generally don't wear those other than to bed). I struggle with getting rid of the last pairs of pants. I also have shorts. We'll see what he thinks.

Hair. I am still keeping my hair long and actively growing it out. A couple of months ago I went to get a trim and a bit too much was trimmed off for either of our liking. Though I like the style itself, next time I will be much more explicit inches-wise on what I want. Since he was there, I didn't get punished. He knows I didn't do it on purpose. On the plus side, it is much healthier.

Sir generally does order food for me when we go out. If I know he is unduly stressed (such as this weekend with his interview), I ask if he would prefer me to choose for myself so as to make things easier on him. He was honestly just a breath away from freaking out and I wanted him to be able to stay in control. Though, I do wonder if keeping to that might give him something else to think about instead of things that were making him anxious.

I generally remember not to sit when we go out to eat until he has seated himself.

I have a proper sleeping collar now which I adore. It is comfortable and lovely and I just <3 it. I wear it when I can, which is not as often as I'd like. When it isn't available, we use the old one, which is actually an animal collar.

We've not quite gotten totally vanilla; Sir has been good about subtle things, touches and the like to keep me in line. We just haven't had much privacy lately.

Its the same thing about how I think we can have some D/s long distance, and Sir has difficulty unless we're face to face. But at least this time, we haven't gone totally vanilla. I guess it's just under the surface. I think I would like him to give me more tasks to do when he is not around, but I don't want to explicitly tell him what to do.

All in all however, I feel really good about us, and about our relationship and BDSM. In the past things would just completely die out. This time, I do feel like we're making more of an effort.

The Rules version 1.08

So, I finally asked Sir for more... and he's delivering.

This weekend he demanded that I accept his help in a small but monumental task for me - printing my resume. I've no printer. He instructed me to send him my resume and interest letter so he could print it. He even went out and purchased the specific type of resume paper that I use.

 He came over so we could spend time together (and so he could drop my resume off). My mom was also visiting from New York, so we kept things very vanilla. Hung out on my couch and watched Dr. Who. At the end of the evening, I went to walk him out of my building. As soon as we got out into the hallway, he took me by the hand and led me away from the door, and further into the building. He circled me, making me nervous. As he circled me, he smacked my ass and pinched my nipples. Something horrifying, but funny happened (more on that in a later post). While he circled, he explained that he considered my request, and spent a lot of time coming up with a document on how I should conduct myself.

He said, "I have failed you." And that he was taking measures to correct that. I'm not sure how I feel about his statement. I can understand it intellectually. If my needs were being met, I wouldn't have to ask for more. But on another level, I also must be responsible for myself. If his choice was to leave me in my own hands, I should have risen to the challenge and conducted myself the way I know he would want. But, I guess I got overloaded and it just got... difficult. I am doing better this week. I'm not meeting all of his targets yet, but I'm getting closer. It's only week one though, so we'll see what happens.

I thought I would share the document I was given. I call it Rules 1.08 because I have had a list of rules in the past (which I never wrote up to share here). Some of those rules are in this document. Some are absent. Others are new. Sir has let me know that this will be added to as he sees fit, as will punishments.

The Rules

Bed

You will be in bed by 11 PM.  You may go to bed before 11 PM if you wish.  In both cases you will send me a text message when the lights are out and you are in bed.  Each minute late will result in a 1 minute punishment.  Failure to send a text will result in a 10 minute punishment.

The lights will be off.  The cable box will be off.  There will be no electronics of any kind after lights out.  If you wish to do any reading it will be done before 11 PM.  Failure to do so will result in a 2 minute punishment.  You will be trusted to accomplish this on your own.  You will be expected to report any transgression of this rule.  Failure to do so will be will be construed as dissembling and will result in a 15 minute punishment.

The bed will be completely cleaned of all items that are not typically known to remain on a bed overnight.  This includes clothes, papers, electronics, or other objects that I deem unfit to be in the bed during normal sleep hours.  Failure to do so will result in a 5 minute punishment.

Work Arrival/Work departure

You are expected to arrive at work at the time specified by your employer(s).  You will text me when you arrive at work. You absolutely will not text me while your vehicle is in motion.  This is for your safety.  Each minute that you are late will result in a 1 minute punishment.  Events such as traffic will not be compensated for.  You are expected to prepare for these situations.

You will cease all work related activities at 9:00 PM.  You will be home at this time except in situations that involve stopping for functions that are not work related such as food shopping or social meetings.  This does not apply to known situations or events such as parent-teacher meetings, school functions or other known work-related evening obligations.  You will text me at this time indicating the completion of your work day.  Failure to do so will result in a 1 minute punishment for each minute you are late.

Pick-up

                When we are scheduled for a known function such as a date, concert, trip departure or other event you will be ready to leave at the time specified beforehand.  Each minute late will result in a 1 minute punishment following our return from the event or at a time I specify.  Family disruptions will be taken into account so long as I am in the house waiting for you.

Journal

                You will update your Submissive Missions journal each Sunday.  The update will be posted before 11PM.  Each minute late will result in a 1 minute punishment.  Each day late will result in a 10 minute punishment. 

Bedroom cleanliness

                You will clean your room and maintain that cleanliness.  All loose items will be designated an area where they belong and any trash will be disposed of.  I will assist in the initial cleaning if needed.  Failure to maintain organization will result in punishment to be determined based on the level of disorganization present.

The punishment

                Each minute I assign punishment to you will require you to stand facing the wall between your bed and your dresser/television stand.  Your feet will be shoulder width apart and you will hold your hands at the small of your back.  You will keep your head facing forward.  During this time you will contemplate why you are being punished and how you can improve on the situation in the future. 

                Each minute I assign to you is additive.  Each minute of punishment will be assigned based on my cell phone clock or my observation.  Bickering about times will result in an immediate addition of 5 minutes.  Regarding text messages punishments will be assigned based on when I receive them not when they are sent.  Technical difficulties will be taken into consideration.  This will not be used as an out to get out of punishment.  Attempting to do so will result in a 2 hour punishment.  Each transgression will be resolved between your work completion time and your bedtime.  All punishments will be completed as a whole.  There will be no breaks between punishment times.  Disruption of punishment time will be noted and completed following the disruption.  If your punishments add up to a point where it will impose on your bedtime you will go to bed.  You will continue the punishment the next night immediately following completion of your work day.  Following completion of punishment you will send a text stating this fact.

I reserve the right to modify these rules and punishment requirements based on my own observations and any attempts on your part to manipulate the spirit in which this document was produced.

I've already served 12 minutes the other day, and I have another 19 to complete tonight. I'm trying to get it together, because I hate cornertime. Which I suppose makes it effective.

Though, every time I am late, Sir does get pleasure. A text conversation between us this week:

"Just got to work."

"I love you. +3 minutes."

"Lol. Love you too. Do you receive pleasure from saying +# minutes?"

": ) Actually, I do."

Not that I want to be punished, but I find this new dynamic amusing.

Earning, Marks, Punishments

Sir has been much more rigid with me lately... and I need it. I've been slipping, and I need his guidance and control more than ever. I can see him working hard to be the man I need him to be. I've been overwhelmed with work and my home life, and as a result, I've not posted when I should, and I missed a few bedtimes (that I owned up to). In the past, he'd not notice things like that, but he's been more observant, and checks up more.

I now have to send him a photo of my bed (that must be in sleeping shape) every night. I've been lax with that also (though my bed has been kept in shape) He also got me a giant phonebook, and told me to purchase a notebook. I have to copy from that phonebook when I'm being punished. I did 40 minutes today for a myriad of things, and let me tell you, it sucked. Being on the floor in my restrictive collar doing lines really did a number on me. We'll see how it goes for the future.

In the spirit of earning things, I am not permitted furniture in his home until I have earned it. Last night I slept on the floor. He was nice enough to get me an air mattress because of my awful back, but it was bad enough to be 3 feet from him, but alone. I have to earn sleeping in a bed, or using the couch (I sit on the floor). I'm not sure what I have to do to earn it, however. When we were in Pennsylvania, I was particularly and immediately attentive to his needs (drawing his bath, getting his food, giving him a massage, etc. coming in after a long day) and I earned the bed because of it.

Sir also decided that he wants to mark me...permanently. Not permanent now, but in the future. He had an idea that I could earn a piece of his mark, and eventually over the course of time it would be complete. Then he wanted it tattooed on me. I don't mind the idea of the mark, but I do not like the idea of it getting tattooed. At all. I know its not until the future, but it makes me really anxious. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know what it takes to earn it (though I earned one line of it thus far). I don't like the position of it, were it to be tattooed (my left breast). Tattoos are art, and what if I don't like the art? I'm one that is usually very anti-significant other tattoos. This wouldn't be an issue for quite some time, but I'm still nervous about it.

In the meantime, Sir also presented me with the lovely leather bracelet pictured above. It is to serve as my mini collar, that way I have a reminder of who I am, always. I love the idea behind it, but it does take getting used to. I have to remove it to shower, wash my hands, etc. Sometimes, I forget to put it back on after I do so, which is a big no-no. It can also get stuck to my skin when I'm working outside in 90 degree weather. I'm also always looking at it like it's a watch, or grasping at it to use as a scrunchie, and it's neither of those things. I think in a few weeks we'll see how used to it I am.

Back to the floor for me. Sir allowed me to sit in this wooden chair so I could reach the keyboard to post, but he made sure my ass was smarting before he let me sit down!

Self Reflection

I’ve been thinking a bit about my feelings over what I wrote yesterday. I don’t think I was in quite the right submissive frame of mind. Yes, it is good that I am honest with Sir about how I feel about the punishment affecting my adherence to the bedtime rule. But even with being realistic and knowing that being late again is bound to happen eventually, my response and feelings were very antagonistic and not very submissive to him at all. I should be thinking more of how I can help myself to keep to the rule better. Not be flippant and cavalier over it.

I don’t think that in a submissive sense putting my want (not need) to stay up to connect with a friend was really necessary. It was NOT something that couldn’t have waited, but at the time it did seem urgent, and I was depressed about our visit ending and not seeing her until who knows when. But it’s not forever, and something like that shouldn't have priority over my choice to submit to Sir. Especially over a rule that’s expressly there for my benefit. I’ve been so much more calm, happy, and able to deal with stress since getting adequate sleep.

I’m trying to better myself and my submission to Sir. I’m also trying to accept the type of dominance he desires to give, while still letting him know of my desires and needs. It’s not all about me. I don’t want to be the submissive that’s telling the Dirty Old Man exactly what to do and the like. I admit, I can be cantankerous at times, and I reign that in as best as possible with Sir. But this weekend I didn’t even text him goodnight (which is part of my bedtime rule). He let it slide. Part of me is grateful, for I truly have had a lot of my plate, but on the other hand, I still feel like I should be made accountable for it, besides him just letting me know verbally that he DID notice. I mentioned to him that I could add more to my paper, which was just one paragraph shy of a full 5 pages, but he rejected that idea. Which I suppose I should just be happy about; and quit over-analyzing.

On a positive note, just him letting me know that he did notice (even though not messaging him was not premeditated on my part) did give me a bit of a thrill, and helped me to feel put in my place. I need to be reminded that I am being looked after and kept in check.

Also, I was thinking a bit more about my difficulty with completely parting with my pants and fully embracing ladies clothing 24/7. I believe I’ve gotten to the heart of my reluctance. It is about appearances. Although I do enjoy feeling pretty and put-together, and I want to be attractive for Sir (though he'd likely say something to the effect of "you're always attractive!"), I realized that I tend to judge other females that I put into the “girly girl” box in my mind. I realize it’s not the right thing to do, but I do it. And I think a part of me is afraid to be seen as that “girly girl” that I so despise. I tend to think of typically feminine characteristics and stereotypes as negative. Though intellectually I know otherwise, I lump ultra girly girls in with other qualities besides feminine dress. Such as: shallow, vapid, nasty, uncaring for their surroundings, overly emotional, illogical, weak, unintelligent, unaware, self-centered, talkative, etc. And I don’t wish to be seen that way myself, and I’m afraid that my dress will play a role in that, especially in my role as an educator and one that works in the natural world. The two personalities don’t always jive with each other well, and I’m not sure how to be both. I’m sure it will come with time, and I don’t feel this way about my way of dress every minute of every day, but I’ve been thinking about it more as I work my outdoors job more. I suppose I can just take it “One Day at a Time”.

Sweet and Sour

What a whirlwind of a weekend. Between punishment failures, miscommunication, vanilla troubles… I don’t even know where to start.

A couple weeks ago, Roommate and I decided to have a girl’s night out and see a movie that neither of our loves really wanted to see (The Vow). While there, we saw that tickets for The Hunger Games were available. So I got us tickets to the midnight showing. Then, a few days later it dawns on me.

A Midnight showing. On a Thursday. When I have a bedtime at 11 pm.

Fuck.

So I called Sir, and we talked about it.

It’s not that I meant to be disrespectful. It’s just hard in an everyday situation when we’re apart a lot of the time to get into the habit of asking for permission for things I never considered before. I didn’t even think about it; we wanted to see a movie, so I got us tickets. Done.

So we had a few options. He could deny me permission to go. He could give me permission to go, or He could give me permission to go, but I’d be punished.

The third option was chosen.

When I finally see him on Saturday, we get in late (ironically after seeing The Hunger Games together) and I know its time to pay. Earlier that evening, he requested that I obtain a notebook and pen. I’d been wondering what it was for all evening, but he just looks down at me and tells me that I’m “not going to like it”.

Once inside, without preamble, he orders me to strip. I take everything off. He chains my hands together and locks them. He throws a pillow on the floor, then orders me to kneel in front of his wooden chair. Upon the chair he places the notebook. He asks me what my bedtime rule is.

“I will be in bed by 11 pm on a work night and 12am on Saturday, unless I’m with you, or have your permission”.

He then asks me to repeat after him:

“I will not deviate from my bedtime without Sir’s explicit permission”.

I repeat after him.

“Say it again”, he orders.

“I will not deviate from my bedtime without Sir’s explicit permission”.

"Good girl. You will write this sentence 200 times in that notebook. You have one hour."

One hour?! Is that even feasible? I start writing furiously because I need a baseline to determine if it is. I don’t even consider that I’d usually be extremely self-conscious about my nudity. 28 minutes later, I’ve gone through 50 lines. Writing with my hands chained together sucks. It’s hard to make it legible. The chain is digging into my hand; I still have a bruise from it. And I have trouble kneeling on a good day so I’m constantly fidgeting. Though I am grateful for that pillow. I can only imagine what it would have been like without it. I do some quick calculations, and at my current furious pace, it should take me 112 minutes to do all 200 lines. Well, I have 60 minutes total, so there’s no way in hell I can accomplish this.

I start to get really upset. Why would he set me up to fail? There’s no way I can accomplish this task. And he knows I become extremely upset when I fail him. I sat on the floor in a pathetic blubbering mess when that quarter went into the dresser. I cried despondently when I couldn’t get my hands behind my back how he likes. No matter the task, if I can’t complete it for him, it unhinges me.

Nevertheless, I keep writing. I give myself mini-goals just to keep myself going. I need to at least get over 100 before time is out. I’m also mad as hell while writing this, because I don’t feel I’m being punished for the right reasons. He said I could go, therefore I did have his explicit permission to be late with my bedtime that evening. Yes, he did say I would be punished, but I thought it would be for getting tickets first and asking permission later. I should have asked, and then purchased. We have to work on changing my mindset in the vanilla world, where I make all my decisions, all the time. It’s hard to stop and think about deferring to him when he’s not around and I do for myself most of the time.

I make it to 120 and a half when he says time is up. He asks how far I’ve gotten, and then says I may stand. I slowly get up. My legs feel like jello and my knees are aching. He unchains my hands, and asks me if I am going to forget my bedtime again.

“No, sir.”

I feel certain that I won’t, so responding like this is actually a big deal. Usually I say that I’m not sure, because I don’t wish to lie. However, I’m still seething inside, and teetering on crying.. I guess he notices, because I’m abnormally quiet. He asks if I am okay. I say no. He asks if I am mad at him. I say yes.

We end up talking about it, even though I really don’t want to. He still feels that the punishment is for not getting permission to miss the bedtime, and I do see his point about putting him in a position where he feels like he must say yes. He wants me to do things with my friends. He doesn’t want to be the guy telling me that I can’t do things with them. But I also still don’t feel like my feelings were wrong. And I still don’t know how to feel about it.

The next morning, he gets up and is gone for what feels like a long time. I’m in bed, waiting for him. I can’t leave because he’s not yet taken my sleeping collar off; so I just wait. Then he comes in with a tray, and on it are waffles, syrup and milk. He made us breakfast and brought it to bed. What a sweet man.

He also helped me out in a major way yesterday. When I went to see the movie with my roommate, my car started smoking out and stalling as soon as we got to the theatre. I brought it to the mechanic, but was and am still carless (Maybe its some type of karma for not being in line with Sir). My contract at my main breadwinning job ended on Friday, and I had an interview yesterday. It was a second callback interview where I had to give a presentation, so it was really important.

Since I didn’t have a car, I was going to get up really really early, and rent a car so I could be on time for the meeting (at 8:45 am). Sir decided that it all sounded very silly and a lot of work and money, so he took the day off work so he could drive me. He also stayed up with me and helped me prep my materials until 2:30 am. I love this man.

Even though I’m still not sure how to feel about the Hunger Games Bedtime Permission Punishment Incident, I know in my heart that he is a kind man that, to quote him “ always has my back”.

Even if him having my back means he’s got evil designs on it.

Testing Sir and Being Honest

I have work tonight (not a normal occurrence), and instead of worrying how I will be able to write a post before my deadline at 11 tonight when I get out of work at 10:30 (I’ll have to ask Sir permission to stay up late due to necessity), I’ll take a step in managing my time better and put pen to paper (so to speak) now.

I think I was testing my Dirty Old Man a little bit this week. I was late to bed not once, but twice this week.

Last Sunday, Sir and I stayed in bed all day. Literally. With that, plus the time change, I couldn’t sleep. But I could have been not sleeping in my bed at least. I could have followed the rule of being in bed. Not being able to sleep is out of my control, but getting my ass in bed is. Due to circumstances, Sir decided to be lenient. I suppose because there were no consequences, or immediate consequences, I started to wonder what I could get away with.

Sometimes (every time) when I know I’m hovering on breaking a rule, I think about what would happen if I just didn’t say anything. Though I see him at least once or twice a week, Sir and I don’t live together. We’re an hour apart. In some ways, it’s like having an online or long-distance relationship (I intend to make a future post about this topic specifically). He’s not there all the time to catch me making mistakes or being disobedient. So, many times it’s up to me to be truthful about my behavior. Sometimes the thought of lying by omission is tempting. One could be a more perfect sub. I could be seen as obedient. I could avoid punishment. But really, that’s just a façade. Each time I think about not saying something, I think about the type of person and type of submissive that would make me. And I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship by dishonesty like that. Sir seems to know this.

After I initially missed my bedtime (and told him about it the next day in a rush over the phone, heart pounding)… I waited. Initially I was touched by his leniency, but a couple of days later, it was nearing 11 o’ clock, and I just didn’t feel like heading to bed. The first time, I wasn’t really being directly disrespectful, (even though I should absolutely monitor myself better) but this time, I was. I was aware of the time. I sat there and chose not to go to bed. I suppose I was wondering what Sir was going to do. A part of me wondered if nothing was going to happen. After all, I was late this week before, and there were no consequences. I told him what I did, and he acknowledged it and said that he would think about it.

He didn’t make mention of it the next day. I guess I thought I was off the hook. Then Saturday comes. We were going out to dinner with my parents (something we’ve not formally done, though we’ve been together for 14 months). My mother is visiting (she lives in the next state over, and my parents aren’t together anymore, so this is kind of a big deal). He arrives at my place, and as we’re sitting on my couch just saying our hellos and hugging, he mentions to me that I will be punished tonight and I’m not going to like it. He leaves it at that. No further explanations forthcoming from him, despite my attempts at fishing for information.

We go out. We have a nice, if a bit awkward dinner with my folks. I giggle inwardly when my father jokingly calls my Dirty Old Man, “Sir”. Oh, if only he knew. I ask Sir to help me order under the guise of my being indecisive, so he can choose my food for me, without having to explain anything awkward. Throughout the evening, I sporadically think about my forthcoming punishment. What could it be? I know he’s not going to BE here. Will it be a writing assignment? Will it be quick and physical? Will it be the opposite of my last bedtime punishment?

When we get back, Sir finally lets me know that my bedtime tonight has been extended. To 2 am. I know that sounds not so bad. But I’ve been going to bed at 11 (or close to it) for a while now. It was past 10 and I was already yawning, to the Dirty Old Man’s delight. I responded as usual with a lot of questions and what-if scenarios concerning my punishment. What if I fall asleep by accident? - Then don’t get anywhere too comfortable. Can I use caffeine? – You may drink soda, but not coffee, as you would likely drink soda normally, but not coffee at this hour. What do I do with this time? – It’s up to you. Should I be productive? –What you do is up to you, just be awake. What if I do fall asleep and don’t tell you? – You won’t; it’s not who you are.

“You won’t; it’s not who you are.”

I love that Sir has that kind of faith and trust in me. I guess its one of the reasons why I DO tell him if I mess up. I wouldn’t want that trust to be misplaced. It’s up to me to live up to his expectations.

Despite that shining moment, I guess my questions were starting to irk my Sir. Maybe he was seeing it as my not taking this as seriously as I should. He forcefully turned me around, and swatted me once on my bottom. Then, deciding he didn’t quite like the effect, he turned me around again, slowly lifted the back of my thin trenchcoat and did it again. You see, he didn’t waste any time with setting up this punishment when we returned; I had not yet removed my coat. When he turned me around to face him, I let him know that if that’s meant to be a deterrent, it fails. I like it too much. He put his hands to my hair and took it in his fists tightly, forcing me close to look up into his eyes. Sir has a good 9 inches of height on me, so it was both quite intimate and intimidating. I let him know that I was enjoying this as well. He said:

“I know. It’s not meant to be a deterrent; it’s why I don’t use these things for punishment. But it is meant to focus your attention. Do I have your attention?”

“Yes!”

He pulls my hair tighter. “I don’t think I do. Do I have your attention?”

“Yes, Sir!” (I can’t believe I forgot to say “Sir” at a time like this… I think it was due to liking the dynamic he set up so effortlessly and FAST. From opening the door to this moment was only about 5 minutes).

“Better. Now, do you understand why I’ve changed your bedtime tonight?”

“So I can better appreciate the 11 o’clock bedtime, Sir.”

“Very good. I want you to think about what it was like before you had a bedtime. Do you remember what it was like?”

“I was stressed, overworked, overtired and chronically fatigued, Sir.”

“And how is it now?”

“It’s gotten a lot better, Sir.”

“I agree. I set this bedtime up for your benefit, so you can be functional and healthy” He pauses, and then kisses me, hard. My heart leaps with joy, as this is what I was hoping for. His hands work his way to my breasts, and between my legs. As my breath hitches, he pulls away.

“I couldn’t leave here without giving you something to think about, could I?”

Oh, what an EVIL Dirty Old Man! This morning, he let me know that he really didn’t LIKE having to punish me.

“Really? Because your penis seems to think otherwise”.

“Yeah, well he’s evil.”

As are you, Sir. As are you.

And I love it.


-Details on my mission of staying awake coming up soon. I’ve been here an hour, and I must get ready for work!

Not Always 100 %

There are times when things are perfect, or as near to perfect as they're going to get. And there are other times when things aren't. I want to show this side as well, because this is what life is actually like, and what a relationship, and a D/s relationship is like. Sometimes, I tend to focus very narrowly on one thing, but I want to get a little bit broader.

Lately I can feel some things ripping at the seams. I've been testing Sir, and I've been a bit neglectful. This weekend, we've holed ourselves up at a hotel in Brooklyn (we only left thus far to use the Broadway tickets I gave him for Valentine's Day), and I think it's been mostly good. We had a lot of time to talk. We do see each other, but sometimes there is just no privacy. Things have been slowly building up inside me, and at the root of it was me just feeling like Sir really needed to step it up. In his life, in our relationship, and in D/s. I felt that he's just not putting any forethought into anything. He wasn't planning. And I would end up frustrated and feeling a bit hurt. I put a LOT of effort into Valentine's Day, and Sir ... didn't. I think this was the event that really got me thinking about things that had been brewing for weeks. And it's not about "things", it's about feeling. I was hurt that I felt we weren't putting the same effort into it. Even in our D/s side of things; he doesn't plan things out. Sometimes that's okay. And sometimes it's not. I had a horrific panic attack a few weeks ago because he tried something too intense, too early. Or for setting up goals and rules. Without any forethought and planning, how can we figure out where this is going and how to get there? I enjoy "play" - but we both know we want more than that.

A plus for him, since I don't want this to be "Bash Sir Hour" - he finally organized his rope, which was good. It was starting to irk me that this equipment was such a mess. Though I suppose to help with that, we could develop a ritual for me to put these away... and I'll have to mention that soon for the future. It's just that at the root of all of this... I suppose it's really hard to take someone seriously when they're not taking themselves seriously, or the relationship seriously. It's not to say that I don't want to be with Sir, because that's not it at all. I just think that we really have to work harder to attain the things and the relationship that we want.

I'm not immune from this either. I am NOT the subbiest of subs. I am a very outgoing, outspoken, demanding person, and through the years I've worked hard to be so. I would typically chew a guy up and spit him out, or be quite demanding and bossy. But I realized that it doesn't make me happy. I am happiest when I am being "kept in check" so to speak. I am happier when trying to put someone else above myself. My non-submissive nature outside our relationship is one of the reasons I was reluctant to talk about this - I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to "top from the bottom". I don't want to tell Sir what to do. I just saw that these things really weren't working, and I was getting upset about it. I know that I am happier when having certain controls taken away by him, and not by me, even if they're difficult and I'll rebel against them.

For example, my new dress code. I LOVE this dress code. Sir enjoys it. It's good for my self esteem. It's good for us. However, I've not been keeping to it 100%. I try, but sometimes it's difficult if you've not yet got the proper wardrobe. It would honestly be a lot easier to maintain if I didn't even OWN a pair of pants. But that's not entirely practical. And I have a really hard time getting rid of things. I was very proud of myself two weeks ago. I got rid of a pair of pants. I felt like I was taking a great step into being more of who we want me to be. But this week, I had a job interview, and it occurred to me that I only own one suit, and it's a pantsuit. And another day this week I threw on some pants for work because I was running late and they were there and it was easy. But it would be just as easy to throw on a dress. So I need to make more of an effort there.

Friday night, I willfully stayed up past my bedtime. I knew I should have slept earlier, but I didn't. Sir and I don't have too many rules as of yet, but that's a big one. I had work in the morning, and I just ignored the rule to watch a movie with my roommate and then read a book. As such, I had to pay. When this came up, Sir and I were in bed in the hotel room. He decided my punishment was to sleep on the floor. Without him. This is actually a super effective punishment for me. I HATE being on that cold unforgiving floor, away from him. That's the worst part - knowing that he's three feet above me, but I can't be with him. It was really hard on him too - about ten minutes in he was willing to let me back into bed. I felt though, that I hadn't "paid" enough, and requested to be let back in after an hour was up. If he goes too easy on me, or if I go too easy on myself, I don't learn. Sir said that the next time it occurs, it will be the whole night. I hope I learned my lesson. I also hope that requesting to extend a punishment doesn't become a habit. I warred with asking about it. I should have been thankful that Sir was lenient, but inside, I didn't think that would help us in the long run. So I tried a different tactic. I suppose Sir could have told me no, and that I should get my butt back in bed that instant, but I'm also glad he saw the sense in my request.

I just find that I am thinking more about testing him lately. Wondering what he will do if I do something. It's not something I used to think about as much. I think in the next few weeks I shall be keeping Sir on his toes, so to speak.

All in all, Sir's been very good to me, and I to him, but we're both human, and these things happen. I'm just glad that we can at least talk about it. We're having an otherwise nice weekend, and I hope it continues tomorrow!

The First Bedtime Punishment

Sir has definitely been trying to step up his game. Little by little, we’ll be the best couple we can be – for us.

Last week when I did not get myself to bed on time, I wondered what would happen. I thought that perhaps Sir would decide that nothing would happen and he would forgive me, which happens more often that I think is good for our relationship.

At the end of our date last week, he let me know that he did NOT forget and he HAS to do something about it. Sir really does NOT like punishing me. It seems like having to punish me is like a punishment for him. And I can see that; it’s not something he relishes having to do just as I don’t typically revel in behaving badly. However, it sometimes seems like he sees it as a chore. And perhaps it is but in the type of relationship we have it’s a necessary chore. Each chore is different and one can enjoy one’s chores (for example, I really enjoy vacuuming). It’s not that I want him to LIKE punishing me, but this weekend, as we were talking about things, we both agreed that Sir “needs to be more ready with a punishment” (his words). Perhaps if we were more prepared, it wouldn’t be something that hangs over our heads; it would flow more naturally.

I sat there nervously awaiting his decision. Laughter incessantly bubbled up from down in my gut and continuously escaped my lips. I don’t know why I do this. Oftentimes, when I make a gaffe my body will find it to be ultra-hilarious and I will laugh uncontrollably even though I know it makes me seem like I’m not taking the situation seriously. I need to work on changing this.

Sir finally made a decision that surprised me. He let me know that he was warring with two options – both involving a change in bedtime for that night. He toyed with the idea of keeping me up until 3 am – as a reminder of why exactly I have a bedtime and what I was like before I actually got sleep each night (he also told me he has seen a great improvement in my mental health and state of being since I’ve had a bedtime). However, he decided instead that my bedtime would essentially be as immediate as possible upon my return home. He didn’t want to undo the progress I’ve been making and upset all the good stability that he’s worked to instill in me.

I think that Sir definitely tried to make the punishment fit the crime – something that I certainly appreciate and support. Creativity is key. When I got home, I got into bed as soon as I could. This was around 9:30 pm. I had to shut off all the lights. I had to shut off the television. Even my cat couldn’t be compelled to sit with me. And so I stared at the ceiling. And stared. And stared. Oddly enough, I couldn’t fall asleep until 11 pm, my normal bedtime. So for 90 minutes, I had time to reflect. Is this effective? Is it fitting? I suppose it’s fitting. I’m not sure what would have been worse – being kept up, or being forced to stay abed. If awake, I might have gotten things done (it would be difficult to stay awake and not have some sort of task), but I would be feeling it the next day, like I used to. But I did not enjoy laying there awake, either. Sir also instructed me that if I woke early I was to stay in bed until my normal waking time, which did apply. I suppose that I should be grateful that he’s set a reasonable time for me and I am a bit. But I wouldn’t expect anything less from Sir. He always does his utmost to make decisions and rules to help me and us. To send me to bed every night at 9:30 pm would make it very difficult for me to get things done, so while I am grateful, I am also proud also that he takes care to think of what is realistic for me and us. I could sleep at 9, and then wake quite early to get things done, but that’s not so practical. I think I appreciate the time chosen more now; I think I took his decision for granted.

Being that he also let me stay up late to go to a game and dinner this week, I think I appreciate that bedtime more as well. And as such, I’ll be off to meet it!