Still Submissive, Even in This Shitshow

 It's been a shitshow around here lately.

We'd been planning our wedding celebration. Fully vaxxed with every safety measure we could put in place (other than just not doing it). My family has been awful - only one aunt and her kids, and my one uncle were going to attend. I have a large family (and most of the folks not attending were not because of the pandemic; I totally get that!)

Three days before the new year, I fell down the stairs at work and injured myself badly. I've been on crutches since, and probably have another few weeks to go. Was going to be on crutches for our celebration.

Jump through hurdle after hurdle to get this celebration going, make peace with being on crutches for our big day and get to the day before our wedding celebration.

And Sir gets Covid. Symptoms overnight, and tests positive that afternoon. We had to cancel everything, and because it was so close to the date, we end up having to pay for the entire thing, too. I get symptoms a few days later and also test positive. It's just so frustrating because we'd been so careful about everything. I'd been self quarantining from everyone while at work (eating alone in my office, etc).

So we're in full quarantine for another week, but finally starting to turn the corner, symptoms-wise. It's just not been a good scene around here. 

I finally hit my breaking point. The point where I could no longer cope with life and everything it seems to throw at us, repeatedly over and over. You try to be positive, and practice gratitude (because sometimes there ARE good things, or you do realize that things could be so much worse!) but the negative has been drowning that out for me.

I had a bit of a breakdown. After increased therapy appointments, I have a shiny new mental health prescription and hopefully I will see a difference in a month.

Our pipes also froze this morning. Just.... come on, man.  We're working on that today, and we're okay. It all just seems like I've pissed off the universe, somehow.

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One good moment though, that I want to remember.

Last night, Sir told me he had one task for me today - to empty the dishrack of the dishes he washed. (I got a special hands-free crutch, so I am a little more functional now than when I was on the traditional style crutches).

So, today I go to do it, and I cannot get the tupperware put away (they go in a high cabinet that I need a stepstool to access. I can't use the stepstool with the crutch, though). He told me nevermind, I'll take care of it.

I was determined to do as he asked though. He hasn't given me a task in ages. He's been actually waiting on me hand and foot while I'm healing from my injury. 

For the first time in a while, I felt that need to serve. Sir set me a task, and dangit, I was going to do it. So he agreed to have me just put the tupperwares aside and just get everything else that I could reach. So I did. And I felt fulfilled for the moment.

I was happy because I guess with everything, I feared that part of me, the submissive part, was gone too. 

But she's still in there, somewhere.

Depression and Not Feeling Kinky

Last night while I was sleeping, Sir sent me a message via Fetlife. That is typically how we communicate about kinky things in our relationship. So if I see a Fetlife message from him, I know right away the general gist of the content, as opposed to him sending a regular email or the like.

It made me so pleased! We've had a rough go of it lately.My caregiving duties for my mother have steadily ramped up and up and up - and as the depression and despair creeped in, I made less and less time for myself, and for us. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been writing here as often, I think. I've been going to therapy for over a year now, and it's helped tremendously. I'm now also on a medication that while is not prescribed for depression, is definitely helping in that regard. Conversely, my mother has needed even more attention in the past year. She's been hospitalized twice, and is currently in skilled nursing. We're not sure if she will be able to go home, and since she is not handling her situation herself (though she *is* capable) its being dumped into my lap. Which is how she usually operates. With all that going on, I just haven't made time for me. I haven't felt "like me" in awhile.

The other reason for the lack of writing is that to be frank, there wasn't that much kink going on *to* write about. Sir has also been having a rough go of it. He was unemployed for the last 14 months. For Sir, his sense of self-worth and confidence is definitely tied to his career. So being unemployed (through no fault of his own), really tanked his self-esteem. And that tanked his ability to be dominant, or even *feel* dominant. 

Last month, he accepted a job offer for a true unicorn job in his field. And in the weeks since, I've seen his demeanor improve so much! He is definitely less depressed, more confident and I felt like he was starting to feel more dominant as well. Him reaching out last night proves that, I think.

I am so ready for that. I miss that side of him, and I miss us.