Monday, February 21, 2011

We Are Those People

What a great weekend.

I had a really fantastic date on Friday. It was simple and wonderful, filled with over 5 hours of just…talking. This is actually what I wanted; more time to just be together and really get to know each other better. I felt a little bit nervous in confiding some things to him; things about both my life in general and my kinks initially, but I feel that honesty is really important, especially in a relationship, so I decided to take that risk. He handled things so well, and I’m glad that I was able to trust him a little bit. It’s a step in the right direction.

He was also very sweet, yet enticing while trying to prevent me from playing with my hair out of nervousness. It was a great reason to take my hands, and I was positively charmed. It also allowed me to get a small glimpse of what that side of our relationship might be like, which definitely alleviated some of the anxiousness I had in that regard. At the end of the night, he kissed me softly on my cheek, which I felt was so totally the right thing to do; it’s like he lifted it right out of my mind since I was planning on doing the same.

Saturday was Wicked Faire. I hadn’t gone since 2008, I think. I had a really nice time. It was great to see how big the event has become. I also liked that there was an opportunity to explore some new ideas through demos and classes without feeling like I was putting myself out there too much. I can be amazingly anxious when it comes to exploring this side of myself. I am also very conscious of my role as a government employee, and I’m always thinking about that when I put myself out there. I went to a really neat whip demo. It really opened my eyes a lot into that type of play; it’s not at all what I imagined it to be like, and I think I'd like to try it one day. The Japanese ropework demo was also very interesting. It made me really want to learn (and re-learn) some ties, though my interest is more in being the bottom. It also made me feel more comfortable about possibly going to the Jersey Rope Experiment meetings, though I’d likely wait until I had a partner to go with. I also went to the Predicament Bondage workshop, which put a lot of neat ideas in my head.

While we were on our way to the rope demo, my friend says to me, “You know, Lea, I’m surprised; you don’t really seem at all like the type of person that would be into this”.

“Why not?”

“… I don’t know. You’re just so dominant in your own life that I would never have guessed this to be a part of you”.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that he felt that way. I’ve known him for years, but never really discussed this side of myself with him. It just so happened that we were at this event together, so he got to see a bit of it. It’s odd, because my date also said something a bit similar about me on Friday. But I think you really can’t judge a book by its cover. You usually can’t just look at people and know what they’re into, unless they’re trying to broadcast it. There’s no one type for this sort of thing, or for other interests either. Even I make snap judgments still. When we first got there, as we were parking, I made a comment about the parade of weird people converging on this hotel.

Then I said, “What am I talking about? We are those people.” 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Owning My Submission

I can’t remember where I saw this, but I was reading a blog where the author was talking about how she feels more submissive when she writes. I think I agree. When I don’t write, I feel like I’m losing ground on progress. I let “real life” get in the way. I don’t like to use the term “real life” because I hope that one day, my submission WILL be part of my real life, instead of the life I keep locked up.

I also think that I feel better when I write because I’m “owning” my submission, and actively thinking about it. I’ve met up with that certain man a couple more times, but we’ve been keeping it pretty vanilla. Sometimes I wonder if it will be difficult to attain the dynamic we both want, but other times, I can see it being so … well, not easy. Submission is not easy, but I suppose I can see it working for us. I suppose I just wish I was a bit more farsighted as to where things will go between us.

When I find myself feeling as though I’m taking a step back, instead of a step forward, I try to immerse myself with things that make me more conscious of this journey, and where I hope it will go. Besides articles and blogs, I take inspiration from other media, like music, or even fanfiction. I’m actually a big Harry Potter geek, and I read loads of fanfiction. My particular favorite pairing is Severus Snape/Hermione Granger. It was the first real pairing I was interested in, and it’s never waned. The reason why I’m bringing this up is to share a D/s themed fanfiction. I don’t think it’s my ideal, per se, but I really enjoyed this story, and I hope you do too!

If you read it on Ashwinder, you must be a member (which is free!) to see the story. You can also read it on without signing up, but chapter 8 was taken down.

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