Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This Morning's Wake-Up Call.

Sir and I get up each morning eye-stabbingly early. For us, that is 5:30 am. For me, it is because of my long-ass commute so I can be on time for work at 8 am. For him, he starts earlier than me. But it is nice to wake up together. And I certainly appreciate those times where I get to sleep in!

This morning, Sir decided to get me up a little differently. He woke me up by spanking my ass.

I like spankings and beatings. But we don't usually do anything other than groan, eat breakfast, and get ready for the day on workday mornings. It was pleasant to have that reminder, during the mundane parts of our lives, that I am still his.

Sir has generally been more demanding lately, in a good way. Even just little things like this evening.

"Bitch. You will get up and retrieve my books and study papers. Then, you will make me a bowl of ice cream. Then, you will get the laundry downstairs. After that is done, you may play Minecraft before you pack and make lunches for tomorrow."

I like the specific instructions, I like the spanking... I like that I feel like we're connecting more in the D/s sense.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Outing Myself

Twice this past week I have done things that may have outed me as a kinkster, submissive, whatever you want to call it, in different ways.

One was entirely my own fault.

I was reading and responding to comments on here and hadn't realized that for some reason, I was logged into my vanilla google account. So, I responded as my real self, entirely by accident. I have a screen name for that account too, so initially, I was calm. Just delete the comment and start anew. Until I looked at my profile which linked to my amazon account with my real name, location, birthday, etc. HOLY CRAP! I didn't realize that much info was out there. I of course changed it and deleted the comments with that account, but part of me worries about who may have seen that. If any of you did see it, please let me know. I generally do trust in the community; most  are good people. It would be a relief for me to know how "out" my real information was though. I have not had an incident like that in the over 5 years of having this blog... I guess that is a good track record. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

The other incident was ... just awkward I guess, and I don't think anything bad will come of it. I work in the public sector. My coworkers are really awesome people. But I forget that I live in a conservative area. That doesn't really just mean beliefs, but it also means openness towards sexuality and the like. My one coworker whispers the occasional curse word she ever lets loose after looking to make sure the coast is clear, and another was very adamant on getting married before cohabitating with her husband. This is fine - just trying to explain the... puritanical nature, I suppose, of people I work with.

We're having lunch this week and our boss had a cup on the table that says "Fifty Shades of Green." Coworker exclaims, "Does that say Fifty Shades of Grey?!" We were all shocked. It turns out, she read all three books, and saw the movie. My other coworker saw the movie, but not read the books, and my boss read the books too.

Really.... wow. They say it's always the quiet ones. So, they start dissecting the books. I chime in here or there, but mostly stay out of the conversation, because I have strong opinions about the book. To share them in full would be to indicate I know a lot more about these things than just reading. I say at one point "I hesitate to give my full opinion". Eventually my older coworker brings up "S and M", goes into that into more detail, and I merely state "This topic is the opinion I'm hesitating on presenting." I say that the abuse laden book is not a realistic representation of that lifestyle. (I do know it's a fantasy, written as a FanFiction of Twilight... but still, get some of the facts right). We talk about how the movie does a better job of being more realistic. My coworker who incidentally started the conversation cannot look more uncomfortable or sink lower into her seat. Eventually, lunch is over, and I definitely feel that I've revealed more about myself than I intended.

Nothing much has been said since then, and I don't think anything negative will come of it. But it is interesting to know that my coworkers are a little more "in the know" than I thought. That they may recognize a collar, or my wristcollar. That if Sir were to present me with a day collar, or an eternity collar, they might actually know what it is.

That's the stuff that is uncomfortable for me. It's easier to hide behind, "it's just jewelry". And though they may be more open-minded than I thought (hey, they read the books/saw the movie at least)... I still worry about the conservative attitudes around here in general.

Fiction is one thing, reality is another.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Sir's Views on Munches and Isolation (and mine too)

I shared a blog I read with Sir a couple of days ago, to get his point of view.

It was this one:

I wanted to know Sir's thoughts on it. On how he feels about munches and the "cool kids" vs. being "on the fringes". (just saying the words 'cool kids' makes me cringe)

This is what he had to say:

I guess I don't quite know how to respond to this. Having had a lifetime of being one of the "uncool kids" I've learned to accept that some people are always going to be elitist. Regarding the munches that we've been to, I have observed the same thing though I also see that the munch leaders try their best to include everyone. During some of the larger gatherings that can be lost in the bustle but they still try.
As for myself I gave up trying to impress people or be "cool" a long time ago. Only those closest to me, the ones that have earned my trust, respect, and loyalty will truly have any influence on my behavior, attitude, or feelings. This exact same problem exists in my class at school as well. While I haven't been completely rejected like [Classmate X] (and that truly is due to his own actions and attitudes) I'm definitely on the fringe of the group. If I were to "rank" the class in terms of social "coolness", it would be [classmate 1], [classmate 2], [classmate 3] and to some extent [classmate 4] at the "top"; [classmate 5, 6 and 7] in the "middle" and myself on the "bottom" or "fringe" if you'd prefer that word. [[Classmates 7 and 8] have pretty much removed themselves from the equation mostly in terms of not typically gathering at lunches and similar places but they still talk and communicate with everyone on an individual or small group basis. [Classmate X] is the only one who has been actively shunned by the class due to his own attitude and refusal to abandon his open contempt of anyone that doesn't fall within his definition of "successful", which means pretty much everyone that isn't his theoretical "superior".
I feel that the (rather lengthy) assessment of my class probably applies to munches as well. In any society there are going to be those at the "center", those in the "middle ground", those on the "edges" and a small number that are completely on the "outside" though whether that depends on the attitude of the core society or the result of actions and attitudes of the individual operate largely on a case-by-case basis.
I guess I am impressed with his ability to articulate himself, and his rather mature views on the situation, especially given his history.

These are my feelings on it:

This sums up the experience at pretty much every munch I've ever been to. I am not one of the "cool kids"... and I think it is just a matter of time and being present so that people get to know you so you can assimilate... and yet, if you don't know the main people who attend the munch, you sit on the outskirts feeling awkward as all hell. I still go, because I don't believe it is intentional and that time will allow for others to get to know us, and make it easier for us to integrate.

I have a much better time when I get to a munch early and I can pre-select my seat based on where I think the leaders, or a main group of people will sit - because that is where people who are comfortable will gather and it makes conversation easier than if you're 3 or 4 people at a table on the fringe.

Sometimes I am able to make conversation with other newbies around me, and those are good times, but there is still that feeling of awkwardness, of forced conversation even when people do move around...

I suppose I hadn't thought that deeply about it previously, but with the subject being brought up and thinking now, I suppose I thought I had felt comfortable enough in my own skin, and old enough that these types of social mores that I found typical of my high-school era to not apply any longer. I now realize that I was wrong to a degree and am wondering how much of the "fault" lies within my own self. Being self-conscious and the like.

And all this thought about munches, when we haven't gone to one in months!!! (that may also be a problem; finances)

Monday, June 06, 2016

Being Dominant Through Failures

Yesterday, Sir took me aside and said he had a serious question for me. He said he was originally going to ask another person, a Master that he trusts and converses with from time to time on these things, but he first wanted to see what I had to say, before possibly contacting him.

I was thrilled that he values and trusts my opinion that much.

He asked me how I thought he was to retain dominance in light of failure.

It's a heady question. We both know he's been mentally absent on the D side of our D/s for months now. I am a little frustrated, but understanding. He is dealing with a lot of stress at the moment, and he doesn't typically handle stress as well as I do.

He is also having a real fear of failing in his schooling and certification, and what that will mean for us, and for our relationship. I know he was asking specifically about this situation - how to handle our relationship if he fails this huge endeavor, but it got me thinking a bit broader.

After a bit of thought I think it comes down to a few things.

1. Accept that a failure will happen.  Perhaps not in this instance (and I certainly hope he doesn't flunk out)... but at some point, some time, people fail at things. It is inevitable. Whether it is an exam, a scene, miscommunication, errands... it's going to happen.

2. Of course, try your best not to fail. Plan. Prepare. Work your hardest at it, especially if it is a big goal. If you fail to plan and don't prepare, you're planning and preparing to fail.

3. If you do fail, own up to it. Don't behave as if it didn't happen. Don't let it be the elephant in the room. Own it.

4. If it is a big failure - especially something you cannot fix, allow yourself a grieving time. Grief is about many kinds of loss, and if the failure is the loss of something pivotal, you need to deal with those feelings of grief. This isn't the same as shutting down and running away.

5. After you own up to it, figure out what to do next. What are the next steps? Don't shut down - that isn't going to accomplish much. It is in how you handle the failure that is important. Can you fix it? If you can't fix it, can you make amends? Can you try again? And if you can't do any of these things, what is plan B?

For Sir specifically, we talked about how to handle the event of him not finishing school. I mentioned giving some time for grief. It's been a huge two-year undertaking, that affects our future. If he doesn't finish, there will be feelings of loss for that future and for the past two years of effort. That's normal.

I asked him to have a plan B. We've talked about some Plan Bs for awhile now, but it's up to him to decide the best course of action.

I asked him not to forget who he is. He is the Dominant. Just as it was really difficult when I was allowed to forget who I was as his submissive, him continuing to forget his Dominant side would be disastrous. If he's not up to jumping right in, I think a good course of action is to read and think. I sent him some websites with articles on dominance. I find immense help in reading the thoughts of other submissives. It makes me think about my own nature and our relationship. It keeps my head in the game. I truly do think it would help him a lot. Read and think.... and plot.

If your mind is active, it is easier for the rest to occur.

For the record, I have every confidence in him. Things have been rough, but he can do this! He didn't do well on his final certification exam... BUT he gets to re-sit the exam on June 30th. So all is not lost. He's got a few weeks to turn it around. And he can do it. He's just got to buckle down. And I'm here for him, through success or failure. 
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