Tuesday, November 13, 2018


So, it's been two and a half months since I engaged with my blog, or really, with other people's blogs.

Things just got... stressful. In so many ways. And I really just couldn't deal. I still feel that I'm barely dealing sometimes. So I pulled away and favored escapism and needing a lot more downtime to recharge and feel human than I have before.

Up until two days ago, there wasn't really much going on between me and Sir in the D/s department, either. No collar, no protocols. Barely any kink. He called me "bitch" the other day, his pet name for me... and I asked him if he felt that he had "the right" to call me that anymore. We could debate his rights but he understood what I was saying. A couple of days later, he came home from work, threw me down on the bed and gave me a good spanking. Then collared me. I haven't been collared since before we moved.

I asked him what prompted this, and he just said "It was time."

He's not wrong. But I guess I don't fully trust it. It's been too many times, too many times being derailed. And I'll take it while it lasts, but... honestly I'm not in a place to be self-motivated right now. I'm just not. So I hope if this is what he wants he is ready to work. I don't really feel he ever really has. And that may hurt for him to hear it, but it is truly how I feel.

Sir was doing really poorly. Extremely depressed. He chose to make some poor life decisions and it took him a bit, but he is now making some better ones. And he is better for it. It was really hard for me to watch him go through it, since there really wasn't anything I could do. And a lot of it affects me too; we're in this life together. And part of me was getting frustrated with him - it is hard to watch someone make a mistake, and another, and another even after you were asked for your thoughts... but he learned, and perhaps he just had to have those experiences to realize how things could be, and what prices he was willing to pay for things to be better. I think a large part of what happened this fall  between us was due to that; just everything going on. Both our depressions, the stresses of moving; of not having enough to get by, of families being jerks, of being lonely. Of not getting enough sleep....

 And that's okay. I feel like I can deal with our vanilla times, our times where things get stressful as long as I know we will come back to each other, come back to D/s, come back to where things are right between us. Not that they were "wrong"... they were just off. I hope they can become right again.

My job hasn't hired a supervisor all year after my boss abruptly quit. I've been doing most of the work on top of my current job all year and I'm just...exhausted. They are finally in the process of looking to hire someone. I hope that someone will be me; I'm doing my best to go for it. We will see what happens.

Sir and I had our housewarming party in September.... and pretty much no one showed up (from my side). It hurt. It still hurts. I feel this rejection so deeply, and it is honestly one of the things affecting me on a daily basis. I know they do care about me... but it is only when I make it convenient for them. And that's really unfair to me. For pretty much my entire family to not come, despite the two months notice.... it really hurts and puts things into perspective for me. It's been two months, and I feel like I should have been able to move forward by now... but I'm not. It just put the nail into a lot of issues I have been feeling for years. I have such guilt over not doing more for my family, though they all know I do A LOT. I feel guilt over wanting to pull away, and take care of myself, because it doesn't go both ways. And when I do pull back, I also feel lonely. I miss them. So it is a lose-lose either way. Either I take more time for me and don't go do things for them/see them (and then feel guilt and loneliness), or I do it and still end up mad that the effort is all on me.

My mom has been extremely difficult to deal with and I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do. She needs and asks for a lot from me, and whatever I do she complains about. I am also four hours away from her, so any help I give is not convenient for me. I guess I wish she would just get her shit together finally and be a fully functioning adult... but she's been declining more and more and it is unreasonable to expect that. I had a conversation with my brother about that yesterday - that she is not going to "snap out of it" and be "the way she used to be". This is it. Accept it the way it is and move on. Even saying it to him, knowing it to be true, it is still hard for me to do, too.

Sometimes I just want to stick my head in the sand. I need a break. Like a long one. One I may get in December. November is half over and I've got a full schedule till then.

But... at least I'm collared. At least Sir looks like his mental state is improving. And that he is ready to try and steer this ship again. Because sometimes I am alone at the helm and I just want to take my hands off the wheel and say "fuck it". You get sick of always being the strong one, sometimes, you know?
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