Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Sexual Rules

Sir took a focus on our sex lives and my libido with his new set of rules.

One rule has me masturbating to climax 3 times per week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. If I'm really sick, I can skip it (we had sort of started a twice a week rule, and I was so sick during one of the times, I actually fell asleep with my hand in my pants).  If I miss a day, I have to make it up on the next available day. I can use anything I want to do it, as long as Sir is not involved (or else it really wouldn't be masturbation).

Sir has also now reserved the right to masturbate whenever he wants. I used to feel bad when he would go off and handle things himself, especially if I was around. I suppose I felt like I wasn't fulfilling his needs enough. But sometimes I'm sick, or exhausted, or the timing is not right, or he just wants to get it out of his system and sleep but not have a long sex session. I think that him putting it as a rule makes me feel better though. He can do whatever he wants with his own dick, haha. He also says that when he doesn't masturbate he can't last as long when we have sex, which bothers him.

My other rule is to tastefully offer him fellatio every evening. Sir may or may not accept, at his own desire. I have not forgotten to offer it every evening yet. We are working on the tasteful part. Though funny, coming at him singing the following is apparently not considered tasteful:

But at least we laughed!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Jogging for the New Rules - Exercising, Eating, & Posture

One of the rules Sir has instituted has to deal with my exercising, weight management, and physical conditioning.

Before, Sir didn't want to put any rules on me for those things, thinking that it would take a toll on my self-esteem. But now that I've been doing it myself, he wants me to keep at it and stay healthy. I need to maintain a correct calorie count each day - punishment for being over. Stronger punishment for being over maintenance. I have to exercise 20 minutes every day - how is up to me. I must also do my posture and back exercises for 20 minutes each day, and try to remember to maintain correct posture throughout the day.

I am working on it. I use Myfitnesspal, and am in a challenge group. But my motivation lately has been crap. Maybe it's the weather, maybe its stress, but whatever it is, I just want to eat all the time and nap under blankets. I got cornertime the first day. Second day in, I pushed myself though. There was a challenge in the group I'm in to travel 2 miles by a certain date. I wasn't even going to do it, but keeping to the rule, I asked Sir if I could take a jog to do the challenge, be under calories for the day, and meet my exercise requirements. It was 8:30 pm, so he was hesitant, but he let me go.

I'm ready, Sir!

I pushed myself for those two miles. Our area is pretty safe so I had no problems there, which is what he was worried about. But it was cold! When I got ready for my jog, I stripped off my dress for the day, and put on a shirt and hoodie. I didn't think to put anything on over my leggings that I wear under my dress. I regretted that.

My entire body was fine, except for my upper thighs. If I had just put on a skirt, I could have held that heat in!

I am really feeling it today, overdoing it on the jog. But it is a challenge for a reason; it's not easy. When I go again, I'll have to remember to put on a skirt over the leggings so I can keep that heat in!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Taking the First Steps - 5 Rules

When I came back from the weekend of craziness, Sir had drafted 5 rules for me. Just 5 things that matter to work on. I didn't look at them right away, even though they were right on top of my collar in the collar cabinet. He approved though, knowing that with my mental state, it wasn't the right time. The next evening we were able to go through them.

We've talked about making rules that matter - because if it doesn't matter to him, why am I doing it? Previously, he had a draft of 100 some-odd things and when reading them, there were definitely things I was reading thinking, "Does he actually care about this, or does he just want to give me things to do, or keep me busy?"

We also talked about breaking things down into chunks - when I got too many rules at once, I went into overload with the big picture and I couldn't handle it all. But I think that the reason I wanted all those rules were not for the rules in and of themselves, but to know what was coming in the future - that there was a planned future, even.

Sir and I discussed it, and we decided that I don't necessarily need to know where the path is going to end in order to take the first step. As long as He knows where that path ends up. And I think that was one of the larger issues. I didn't believe Sir had an idea of where he wanted us to end up. I think that has now changed, or is changing. So as long as that exists in his mind somewhere, I can trust to follow him where he wants to lead.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

I Need His Cuddles

I am so glad that Sir and I aren't doing anything this weekend. I have stuff to do at home, and errands, but we're probably going to be snowed in.

You ever just leave a weekend with your family and shake your head wondering how you're related to these redneck ass people? How you could possibly come from the same gene pool? Last weekend was insane. The short version is basically that I threw a baby shower for my cousin because her sister who was supposed to do it dropped the ball and did NOTHING. So I planned the entire thing, the guest list, designed and mailed all the invites, made all the centerpieces, party favors, banners, decorations, food cake, etc. We asked the sister to do one thing -  make a ziti. She didn't buy anything for the ziti, spent the entire time trying to "look hot" for the party (meanwhile I didn't even get to run a  brush through my hair since I was running around like a crazy person). Because she didn't pull her weight, I had to pay for everything and ended up having only 4 dollars to my name at the end. She also left the shower early to go to a wrestling match (that she goes to every week), started a huge fight between a cousin of mine, his wife, and a girl he used to date in the middle of the shower right before she left, and then today she asks me for money, starting a fight with me because I said no!

My other cousin I picked up for the party was so proud of himself for putting his guns away before I got to his house (totally leaving the ammo out, and he has a 2 year old), didn't realize that his 2 year old having a 103 degree fever was a huge deal and that we should probably go to the hospital instead of the shower (I made him give her medicine and ice pops), interrupted the baby shower to call a girl in attendance some names at the top of his lungs I'd rather not repeat, had a huge scene-causing screaming match with his wife, continuing all weekend, and into our eventual car ride home, and got so hungover that I couldn't leave on time in the morning and Sir and I had to miss our rope class.

I swear driving out of there was like hearing Dueling Banjos getting fainter and fainter.

When I got finally back Sir could probably see the awful in my face and I just ran into the safety of his arms. He just held and held me while I squeezed him tight. We should still be able to attend the rest of the rope classes, hopefully. And I asked him to be strong, and not to let me go out of my way for these unthinking people anymore. Next time one of them asks me for something, hopefully I will be strong to say no - not cause I'm fed up, because I'll forget and give my family everything I have over and over, but because Sir told ME no, and then I'll be able to enforce that.

Friday, January 23, 2015

First Waxing in the New Place

I recently found our candle for wax play. It was in the last box I unpacked! Last week, Sir put it to good use.

After dinner, I was putting the dishes in the sink when something came over me. I just started stripping right then and there for Sir. When I striptease for Sir, it's usually pretty funny. I end up falling, or slipping, or dropping things. I feel sort of awkward and definitely not the embodiment of sex. It's always done as a sort of tongue-in-cheek tease. It always arouses his interest though, in between the laughter.

When I was all done, I moved to leave the room, when he says, "Nuh-uh. You don't think you can do all that and get away with it, now do you? It's on now, you started it!"

When I returned, he had me clear off the coffee table. Our table is adjustable, and can have a larger or smaller tabletop. Sir has found that he likes it at full capacity. He had me lay facedown across the table and he tied my hands to the table legs. My legs were at an odd angle supporting my body. It was definitely a stressor position, but sometimes that is good. It makes for a different experience than being entirely comfortable.

Sir thoughtfully put the pillow down for my knees, but I couldn't reach it!

He lit our wax play candle (it's in a pitcher for easier pouring) and was sure to place it directly in my line of sight. While it warmed up, he warmed me up with the flogger. When I was good and warm, he grabbed the cold chain and put it directly on my back - such a shock. Once the chain lost its brisk temperature, he beat me with a cord of rope, the burned ends giving a good impact.

Sir likes the placement of our coffee table because he can walk around and around it. It is pretty intimidating, especially when I'm tied low and he's at full height.

"Hold out your foot," he says.

I do, and my smaller toes get pinched with the clothespins. Sir places more clothespins on my ass and triceps. It's a struggle to keep that leg up.

"Do NOT put that foot back down!"

He continues striking me with various implements. I struggle to keep my foot upright.

"Keep that leg up!"

In the end, I managed to keep my leg up, but the clothespins shot from my feet as I flexed my toes from some harder blows. It was amusing to hear them snap shut and hit the floor. They didn't hurt my toes much. The ones on the sensitive skin of my butt were a little more ouchy, but the ones on my inner arms were "the worst". I say it that way because they're not that bad, just the worst of that lot.

Once the pins came off, out came the brush. Sir scratched my entire backside with that thing. The brush is the kind meant for scrubbing floors, I think. I reveled in it - I like being scratched and I like sensations on my back in particular. I was pretty much goo by that point.

Then came the wax. Sir wanted to get each of my limbs in a sweeping motion, which is what he did. I think it felt heightened when he got to my back and ass in particular because I had already been very stimulated there.

Just a bit of stress for my legs, but otherwise happy! 
Sir is also happy for that scarf protecting my modesty (ha!).

Once he was done, Sir said that he really wanted to get my feet, but they were too far down to the floor. So, of course I immediately lifted my foot and curled it so as to form a cup for him. I was proud of myself for this. I barely thought about it - I just did it and presented myself to his wishes. That is the headspace I need to be in.

Sir blew out the candle. I thought we were done. I was wrong. I have a skinny belt that has some heavy beads attached to the end of it. Sir began striking me with it. It has much more of an impact as those beads come swinging down to connect with your skin. Somehow, all the wax stayed intact.

Sir then had me spread my legs for him. I am quite embarrassed by that - I don't like to be inspected down there. Somehow my brain translates my humiliation about that into arousal. He made sure to be pretty thorough. He then brought out the vibrator and began torturing me with it. He said he wasn't going to release me until I came. We were successful, but it was quite the endeavor. I've always been a challenge for Sir to get  me off - but with this new medication sometimes I can't even get myself off, so it really can be a pain. I asked Sir to switch the vibe heads at one point, and he said no! Somehow that made me even more determined to finish for him, and he was pleased.

I don't know how my legs were still holding me up. 
I should have crashed and taken the whole table with me!

Sir released me from the table, and I shakily got up. He sat back down on the couch and I got to finish him off with my mouth! I've been really really trying - working on that gag reflex, trying to get him as far back into my throat as possible. I'm to the point where I can usually handle him pushing into the back of my throat, but I can't get the muscles back there to relax so I can take it further. He was able to finish in my mouth, though I had a much harder time with that. I guess I'm definitely a spitter!

Then, the peeling. I think this is the most wax I've had on my body at once. Just peeling it off was a pleasurable toe curling process. I couldn't get it all, and our shower had little red specks for days.
Wax cleanup is a bitch though. It got on our coffee table. I had to peel each piece off with my fingernails. Same for the floor. Apparently the wax we got has a very vibrant pigment because my skin was red (due to the pigment) for a day or so. Our floor has a very noticeable splash mark. I got the wax up, but the stain remains. I'll figure out how to remove it sooner or later (maybe a magic eraser).

I find wax play stimulating and beautiful. I'd love to have an intentional image put on during a scene. I'm not really a top, but if there was one area I could do it, I think it is this - just for the creative outlet (I'm not looking to Domme, Sir!).

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Still Learning About Each Other

I love that we are still growing and learning about each other after being together this long. Last week it was 4 years together.

Recently, Sir told me about a fetish of his that I didn't know about... pregnant women. Specifically the idea of pregnant women, and more specifically, the idea of me being pregnant, or the domination side of knowing that it was his child in there, that he put it in there, and that I was pregnant because of him.

That all being said, I know Sir would have half a heart attack if I told him I was pregnant. We have talked about it, and we both agree that we are not ready for children right now. We'd also like to get married first, and we're not even ready to get engaged yet. So we take measures to avoid conception. I've been on the pill for years, and now that my new medication interferes with the pill, we're using good old fashioned condoms.

I liked him being able to surprise me with new knowledge about him though. And if/when I do become pregnant, it's nice to know he'll still find me appealing!

Friday, January 16, 2015

This Whole Resisting Thing

I've been really overanalyzing my thoughts on resistance and submission lately.

Sir and I have stayed up many nights the past couple of weeks just talking in bed after we turn the lights off about our future (both D/s and otherwise). 

treasure kindly reached out to me after I wrote some of my feelings on resisting. Without replaying  the entire conversation here (a private message is private after all) she gave me a lot of food for thought (and a lot more confidence - things don't just happen overnight, just take one small step at a time). One thing that has really stuck in my mind however, was that the only way I could really start turning everything over to Sir was to really get my soul to believe that this is what I really want and need. She asked: Do you need (not want) to give Him the control?

I struggled with that. The idea of needing vs. wanting submission. Over many days I've found that yes, I do need it. We need it. Could I live without it? Yes, I could. I am capable of being vanilla in my romantic relationship. But not forever. Over time, our relationship would fail, I think. We would be miserable and probably end up parting ways; heartbroken.

My initial answer when reading that question wasn't a yes that burst forth from my being from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. And I think that I should be that confident in my response to that question. Do I need to submit? If the answer is no, then what the hell are we doing here  for the past 4 years, you know?

I was thinking that I was letting some trust issues get in the way of really giving up control to Sir. And that everything was failing because of that. But really... it's not. Yes, we're having a bumpy time trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work for us. But I think Sir and I really overlooked something major when analyzing our situation. 

I'm not the only one who needs to make progress and grow. Sir and I focus so much on me growing as a submissive. But Sir also needs to grow as a dominant. Sir recognizes that his perfect submissive isn't something that I'm going to just wake up and be tomorrow. It is something that we have to work towards and shape. It is likewise for him. He isn't going to be the perfect dominant (and no human beings are really perfect ever), overnight. Becoming the dominant that he wants to be (and that I would need him to be to make our relationship work) isn't going to happen overnight. Things aren't going to magically come together. We have to both work to figure it out. One way we thought of helping him grow is to really make him mindful of it. I reflect much in writing this blog. Sir says it is an invaluable resource when it comes to getting into my head. I find that it also helps me grow as a submissive when I'm actively engaged in thinking about it, both my own feelings and experiences, as well as others. It's why I love interacting with other people and their blogs. Sir is thinking that perhaps he should start a journal or something so he can really begin that self-analysis. I think it would work wonders for him.

I was struggling with the idea of giving up so much control to Sir especially all at once with the new rules, behaviors, procedures, and protocols he's developing, and feeling that it was because I couldn't trust him in some regard. Well, that's partially true. But I think that I should replace the word trust with fear. I don't fear Sir. I fear what will happen if things don't work out like we want them to. I fear that he won't be consistent, that he won't plan fully and think ahead. that things will slip by and we won't grow as people. That things will stop working for us. That we will get complacent and vanilla and bored. That we will be unhappy. So I suppose I don't trust that it is actually going to happen. But can that not happen over time? Little by little? We can BOTH work on  his control and my submission with one thing at a time. Reinstating things that he has had past control over is a good step. They're things we're comfortable with doing. Like controlling how I dress. I tried to go deeper with it, accept it more fully and put a pair of capri shorts into the donation bag. The less pants I own, the more I HAVE to adhere to dress code. But I just put ONE. One little thing at a time. I have maybe a handful more pairs of shorts/pants etc to add. Over time, I'll part with them and accept his control of this. And I'll trust him to be on top of me if he catches me wanting to put on a pair of sweatpants and stroll out the door.

We spoke of our life sort of being "on hold". Yes, we moved in together. Yes, we moved 160 miles from our family and former social circle (thus freeing us up to be more open about kink, and seek information/companionship from the larger community with less risk of being outed). Yes, Sir is working on advancing his career. But ultimately, this is not where we plan to really settle down and live our lives. And in a way, it's a weird sort of headspace we've put ourselves in. Almost like the things we do here "don't matter" because this isn't our real life... yet. We're throwing ourselves into this crazy endeavor for 2 years so Sir can hone the skills he needs to develop a career he will have for the rest of his life. It is stressful. I am finding that I have to support Sir in a "bossy" fashion more than we ever thought I'd need to, not just financially, but to help keep him on task. This is to help him, of course. It's hard to keep a submissive mindset when I'm "telling him what to do" essentially. But I think if we change HOW we think of it, things like that could be part of my submission to him. I am serving him by being bossy and telling him what he needs to do, if it is what he needs to keep him on track academically. If it is what he needs to hear in order to help around the house and not burn out his submissive. This is what is working for us right now. I try to phrase things more submissively: "Sir, there are dishes in the sink," instead of "Sir, do these dishes". That way it is Sir's decision on whether or not to do them, I'm just making him aware. Control will go from me to him, one little thing at a time. Even though our life can be "on hold" we can still live it NOW, and do what is right for us now. We can work on attaining those far-off goals, today.

What  we really need is a plan, and I believe Sir agrees. Sir and I speak a lot about the future, about our wants for life, submission and otherwise. But I think to actually sit down and plan out HOW to accomplish these things will really help. If Sir decides he wants me to get myself into such shape to be able to wear a corset, then we need a plan as to how that will occur. Step 1 is working on my back health/posture, which we're starting. Step 2... needs to be figured out. Things like that. Once his rules are completed, maybe we'll have a baseline of what those things will be. What areas he truly wants control over. One thing we both agree on, is he doesn't want to control my bodily functions. He wants no part of what I do in the bathroom. This is different than, "May I go to the bathroom", because I'm really asking permission to leave his side, not permission to excrete right then and there. He wants that door closed when I'm in there.

So, thank you treasure. Your words really do mean a lot to me, and I take them to heart. It has helped me (and him) ask those important questions that will shape our relationship. It has helped us realize what we really want (and need!) from each other. And it has given us a direction for our future. I really look up to you and your "can do it" disposition, and consider you a friend.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Four Years

Today, Sir and I have been together for 4 years... time flies!

I still remember meeting him for the first time on this day four years ago. How nervous I felt. How gentlemanly he was. How warm his hands were, holding mine.

His first act of dominance, sweetly holding my hands to the table  at a local diner while we waited for our carrot cake and tea (me) and Monte Cristo sandwich (him).

His second act of dominance, not letting me play with my hair.

My safe calls from my roommate to make sure I was okay with this person who I met on the internet!

Who would have thought that four years later we'd be where we are.

I love you, Sir.

Happy Anniversary.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Arm Suspension Limits

It is important to know the limits of your body and your partner's body, especially when engaging in BDSM activities.

Lately, I keep reaching a physical limit when my arms are suspended over my head and kept there for a length of time. In several of these instances, I was suspended nude, or just told by Sir to keep my arms up. Of course, I check and recheck my hands to make sure I'm getting some blood flow. But after a while, I get the same symptom.

I start yawning. Excessively. Eyes start watering. I can't stop yawning, to the point where I become lightheaded, like I am going to pass out. The first time, Sir unbound me, threw me in bed with a blanket and we cuddled and napped. Good aftercare. This was after I had been yawning for a while. This time, at the first signs of me starting to yawn uncontrollably, Sir unbound me. I stayed yawning for a few minutes, but it then went away.

I'm trying to figure out what my body is trying to tell me. Yes, it is a little bit of a stressor position, but other than blood flow, it's just standing. When I did some online research, the most I could come up with is body temperature regulation. I was nude, so perhaps my body was too cold? That is one of the causes of excessive yawning. I tried to find information on arms over head positions and safety, but am coming up blank.

A friend on Fet mentioned that I may not be getting enough oxygen; that's why she yawns. My next step is to research blood flow/oxygen and certain positions. Does holding my arms up mean less oxygen gets to my brain, causing me to yawn?

If you have any input, I'd love to hear it!

Monday, January 12, 2015

Good Finds at Goodwill

Sir is formally reinstating my dress code. I typically adhere to it, wearing only skirts or dresses and not pants (though he lets me wear leggings underneath in times of cold weather, like last weeks 6 degrees).

In anticipation of trying to live that rule better, I went to find some jean skirts so I could dress a little more casually but still follow the rules. At a New Year's Eve party that Sir and I went to, I was asked why I was so dressed up. I was wearing a black t-shirt and a tie-dye skirt, which I didn't think was that formal at all. I did speak with Sir letting him know that people there would comment on my being dressed up (though lucky for me, no one is ever nasty about it, just curious or wondering if they should have dressed up as well, reflecting on their own insecurities).

So I went to Goodwill. I found two decent jean skirts for $3.50 a piece. It's a great start. I think that will be my new summertime staple.

I also found these sexy black boots to replace the ones I could no longer wear:

They need some breaking in which I'm doing. I hope I'll learn to walk comfortably in them for an extended period of time eventually. I had a bit of pain the first day, but honestly, not as much I as thought I would, so perhaps there is hope.

Sir hasn't further clarified his feelings on heels as a rule, but I figure that I should try my best to anticipate getting used to heels, even if it's just at home, or when we go out (and not at work, etc).

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Only When He Lets Me Go

I've been fighting a cold for the past week. I've not been getting enough rest though, since I've still gone to work.

This morning, I woke up late at my own leisure, and lounged in bed for awhile, snuggled up in Sir's arms, absorbing cuddle units.

I say to Sir, "I feel like I should be getting up to do things for you."

"Nope. My sleepy bitch needs to stay right here. My sick sleepy bitch needs her rest."

"I wonder how long my desire to not move will be overcome by my desire to get up and make us breakfast."

"The less you move, the less hungry you'll be. And it doesn't matter anyway."


"You'll get up only when I let you go."

Yes, Sir.

Friday, January 09, 2015

Catsuit Ropework

I've had a little catsuit for a couple of years now. It was originally meant for some cosplay that I no longer remember. So it has sat in my closet unused, and then brought to our new apartment, where it has sat, still unused and taking up space.

Not any longer!

Sir had me throw it on the other day, and put a quick tie over my body. I quite liked it! I think I may want to investigate bondage suits like this more!

I hope we try this again soon. I think the catsuit would be very helpful for rope classes as well. Last time, I wore a skirt and it definitely got in the way!

Thursday, January 08, 2015


I've been thinking of resistance, change, and progress lately.

Sir and I have been trying to figure out how things work now that we've moved in together. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster. I understand that it will take time to figure out how things will function best for us. Sir has indicated that some of the issues we've been having in setting up and maintaining our D/s household are due to him learning just how to live on his own (again), and live with a romantic partner for the first time. The parameters are a bit different than when you live alone, or with roommates/family. Many of the issues we've been having he feels stems from a lack of awareness of what needs to be done. As he figures things out, they get better.

We've been making a lot of changes over the past few months. Expectations had been set up stemming naturally from how we were running the house and our lives. Habits, and norms have been allowed to develop. And now that we're trying to go in a specific direction, lots of talk about specific rules and customary behaviors have gone on.

I find myself resisting. I don't mean to... and I was going to say that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if that's quite true. I don't want to find myself at odds with Sir and his wishes for our relationship. I do wish I was more naturally accepting of the changes we make. Sir has drafted a few versions of rules, procedures, behaviors in the past couple of weeks. I find myself questioning every paragraph, asking for clarification, or sometimes challenging. I feel like if I wanted to make progress, my want to change would overcome my feelings of resistance.

I don't wanna...

I was the one who indicated a need for more structure, but reading those rules last night, I felt like it was way too much. It's so much change in  a small time period. I think that perhaps once we have a final draft that only really includes things that matter over ideas he's just kicking around it will help also. I was thinking to myself, "Does he really care about this behavior/rule?" Why is it actually here - is it just to give me something to do, or does it really matter to him?

Even with simple things he definitely DOES care about - like wearing my wristcollar, I struggle. I take it off sometimes when cooking or doing the dishes, etc. so that it doesn't get damaged. And I forget to put it back on right away. Often. I got cornertime yesterday for it. It's happened many, many times. Why can't I just put it back on - what is this resistance I have?

Sir has given me a collar to wear and show my service to him. But I fight that too. It's too bulky, too tight, too sticky, too cumbersome.... etc. I should work instead on figuring out how to live with it... but I know that deep down - I don't want to! Apparently I am resistant to giving up my own comfort. It's a struggle I've also had in not using furniture - my back has been killing me lately. Sir has noticed too. He decided yesterday that I am permitted the use of the furniture again because it was not fully accomplishing what he wanted - to remind me of my place, to make me appreciate the simple things. I think that I was getting there slowly, I accepted not using the furniture. I bore the discomfort. But Sir wants me to relax, and play video games. It's really hard to do that for an extended period of time on the floor. I get so uncomfortable that I don't want to play anymore. I'd taken to standing with the computer at the kitchen table (with his acknowledgement), or using a bar stool, but it didn't help. He feels that the unintended side effect of causing back pain on a daily basis was too much of an interference in what he wanted to accomplish. He wants to find a different way to push that idea towards me. He thinks he may use it to correct negative behaviors, or as an express punishment, but I am using furniture again.

I feel a little bit like a bad sub. That my failure to fully accept this rule due to experiencing pain manipulated the situation so that it was changed to my benefit. I didn't actively try to manipulate the situation, but I still feel that it happened. If I had made my pain less known, if I had been more graceful, perhaps I would be sitting on the floor now instead of the couch. But I see the logic in Sir's decision too. It's just difficult to accept my own failures.

I wonder if resistance and change are a cycle when trying to make progress. I think back, and there are things I was initially resistant to, mentally and physically that I accept as normal now. Wearing collars (even the big collar), kneeling, domestic service, pain, accepting orders, bondage. I remember freaking out the first time we used the Wartenberg wheel, (or a vibrator for that matter). Now I can handle it.

So, perhaps with time I will overcome all the resistance and pushing-back feelings I am experiencing.
Perhaps change, for us works like: New rules/expectations ---> Resistance  ---> Enforcing Rules/Expecatations (Punishment), Time to make it a habit ---> Progress.

With more time perhaps I will accept these changes, and with more enforcement. I think that when Sir doesn't enforce things, in my mind they must not actually be important to him, so I learn not to really care about them either.

I will try and be focused on what the rules and procedures are going to be, and getting excited about them, instead of fearing them.  I hope I can be more accepting of Sir's structure, and learn to let go... I think once I can do that, I will really be able to go deeper in my service and submission to Sir. Some of this I think has to do with trust. I need to be able to trust Sir more - believe that he will do what he says he will. I don't want to dig my heels in when he pushes me, I need to learn that accepting his dominance will truly let me fly...

Tuesday, January 06, 2015


Newly discovered:

Sir likes thong underwear.

I mean, he really likes it!

Sir has never been one to put really any stock into lingerie or sexy dress - it's never done anything for him (to my everlasting frustration when I want to look sexy for him). The other night, I randomly put on a thong and he had a very positive reaction.

He likes that it leaves my butt bare for his attentions.

So, I can add this to the list of being nude, the apron, and wearing knee high boots to "Clothing related things that turn him on".

Monday, January 05, 2015

Delivering a Good BJ

The other night Sir came to me in the living room and said "I want sex". We've been having conversations due to my libido being low because of the medication, and how if he is feeling sexy, to go for it. To force the issue, as it were. Obviously don't ram it in there dry, but don't just go off and handle things himself if he wants me. I told Sir that she (my fickle vagina that doesn't listen to my head lately) could probably be persuaded.

Sir dragged me into the back room and had me crawl under his desk. There I served his cock while he browsed the internet, playing video games and then looking at porn. I like the idea of sucking his cock under his desk - the inherent power display in it. The sort-of disregard while he is doing other things. It makes me feel more submissive. I get distracted though; if Sir is watching porn and I hear something interesting, I want to see too! I've had to really keep myself focused at times.

I've been pretty concerned lately about giving head. Sir made an offhand comment a couple of weeks ago that has stuck in my brain. We were talking openly about male size and my previous lovers. Sir is well endowed, and some of my previous lovers weren't. Sir made a comment about the plus to that being that at least they probably got good blowjobs. I know he didn't mean it to disparage me, but it still stung. I have a really small mouth, and with Sir's size I just cannot get all the way down his shaft like we'd both want me to. I try, and have come to within an inch or inch and a half to the base, but I think Sir would really love it if I could take him all. I just gag. I think he would also love it if he could finish in my mouth. It has happened a few times, but I am not graceful about it at all and he generally gives me a warning or stops before completion and engages in sex.

So, keeping all this in mind while I was under the desk, I tried my best and got really into it. I was able to get Sir to finish and I even had him finish in my mouth. I'm not going to lie; it was pretty gross and awful, and I was not as graceful about it as I would have liked. But I did it, and for that I am really proud. He's only cum in my mouth a handful of times. I keep thinking it will get better with time and experience, but so far I'm not finding that to be the case. On the other hand, it's not been a lot of instances to really judge.

But I did it and Sir was happy - that's the important part!

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Potential Dress Changes - Shoes

Sir told me that he has been thinking about me and heels for awhile now. This was news to me!  The news was prompted by a bondage image I shared with him where the lady was wearing very tall heels (which was actually not the focus of the image).

He said that he is not sure yet if this would just be for scenes or special occasions, or something I would need to do daily, like wearing skirts and dresses.

I'm not fully sure how I feel about it. I like the idea of wearing some ultra sexy shoes for him. I love when Sir finds any type of clothing attractive, since for the longest time he seemed to have no pulse when it came to trying to dress sexy for him.

On the other hand, I have back and posture issues. Wearing heels for an extended period of time, especially everyday would probably be hell on my back. We went to the mall the other day and I wore my knee-high boots that have a moderate heel (I didn't know we were going at the time of leaving the house). I was in such pain by the time I left the mall.

I wonder if with training those issues could be alleviated. I think if I didn't have the back health issues I do, that it would definitely be feasible. But with my back, I fear not having proper foot and arch support might be a limit that is imposed on us by outside forces.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Using A Christmas Gift...Differently

For Christmas, some vanilla friends of mine mailed me an apron. It's designed as a "Flirty Apron". Though it was meant for me, I don't think they would ever be able to guess how much Sir appreciates the gift - he finds it quite sexy! I don't think this is what they had in mind when they sent it to me.

My hair is getting long!

I love that Sir loves the apron. We had some great fun when we opened it up a couple of nights ago! This may also be something I could wear when doing chores around the house, besides just cooking.

Friday, January 02, 2015

Rules vs. Expectations

Since Sir and I have been going over my rules lately, it really got me thinking about Rules and Expectations.

What's the difference?

When Sir wanted to redo my rules and make them official, he first had me make a list of what I think his expectations are (being that we hadn't been using any official rules).

I think the lines between expectations and rules are a bit blurry. In fact, when looking some information up online about this very topic, no one actually made a clear distinction between the two. They were used interchangeably, or some chose expectations only as a matter of semantics and manipulation.

I think the difference between rules and expectations is what is explicit vs. implicit. Rules are things that are explicitly defined by Sir. Be in bed by 11 pm. Do not wear pants. Do not utilize the furniture. Make my lunch everyday, etc. Failure to follow these explicit rules can result in negative consequences.

I think expectations are more a standard of how to carry yourself in situations where your Dom(me) hasn't explicitly provided instruction, or is not available for you to seek counsel. Even though they haven't explicitly informed you on how to behave, or what to do, I think we generally have an idea. This came into play for me when we moved. Before constructing these rules, Sir never sat me down and said: You MUST make my lunch. You MUST wear this collar every day. But I knew he expected me to do so, and not doing so would disappoint him or result in negative consequences. I think it also has to do with how you interact with others. Sir has not said that I can't interact with other male dominants, but I know this would not be okay. So when I am contacted online, I am sure to tell him if I think he would want to know (there was ONE instance where I think he would be fine with this Dominant contacting me, and so I said nothing).

Another layer of complication could be Rules vs. Expecations vs. Procedures. What are your thoughts on the differences?

Thursday, January 01, 2015

BDSM 101 End-Of-Year Exam

Happy New Year! Pygar posted this exam on his blog. I submitted my exam response. We'll see how I did!

BDSM 101
End of Semester examination paper
Answer all question
Time allowed: 90 minutes

Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
a) What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink
The parties are aware of the risks involved in the kink, have given their permission to engage in kink with the other party/ies and have taken measures to minimize the risks.

SSC- Safe, Sane, Consensual
The parties have given permission to engage in these activities of their own free will. The activities are as safe as can reasonably be made; most kink has inherent risk, and measures have been taken  to minimize risks with safe practices, emergency kits if something goes wrong, safe words/communication measures, etc, and all activities are reasonable (i.e. not resulting in immediate irreparable injury or death) done sanely in a good frame of mind not addled by mind altering substances.

b) Why are they important?

Consent is the backbone of what separates the activities we engage in willingly from abuse. Being sane and risk-aware governs how to accomplish them in the safest way possible.

c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?

I think they are two sides of the same coin. Going off of the acronyms themselves, I think RACK provides more thought for the risks and minimizing them, while SSC governs the state of mind. If not considering both, a crucial element of safe play is missing.

d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

Sir and I have never discussed RACK vs SSC for our play, but we definitely adhere to both. We don't mix our play with alcohol or other drugs. We have systems in place to communicate, we educate ourselves on how to play safely, and make sure there are tools in place if things don't go as planned.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

Sir and I communicate much. Trust breaking is not usually a matter of specific instances but a lack of thinking and forethought. Most recently, Sir and I moved in together. I ended up taking on ALL the responsibility of the home - not because Sir specifically asked me to, but because  he didn't think about how things would get done, or do them. Slowly I became frazzled, unhappy and burned out leading to an incident where I took my collar off and flung it. I feel I broke trust because no matter the reason, throwing my collar on the floor is unacceptable. But I also lost trust in Sir - trust that he'll take care of me, take care of what needs to be done. We've since had a lot of discussions on how to run our home better for the both of us so that I may serve him, but honestly, I'm having a hard time trusting that things are going to change and that he'll keep to his word, because of his nature. He is forgetful and absentminded and we've been down this road before with other things. He forgets about my submission and keeping active with it until we reach a breaking point. Then there are conversations and brief change, and we repeat the cycle. I hope I'm wrong. Only time and repeated communication with each other will help. Also, just because I have lost faith here, doesn't mean I have trust issues in all things.

3. Overheard at a munch. "In the end it is all about sex isn't it?" What do you think he meant? Was he right?

It depends. In the end kinks do somewhat revolve around sex and what turns us on, mentally or physically. It could also mean a negative, that sex is the ultimate goal of kink. I disagree either way. Sex is a part of anyone's relationship, but it is not all about sex. I can submit without sex, and that is part of my kink. I need that mental side as well, not just the physical.

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

The police should look for evidence of consent and her mental state at the time. With any case kink-related or not, it should be determined if the person truly was in a sane state of mind. I don't think James should arrested immediately, but that a discreet investigation should take place. It would be my hope that if Sarah was receiving medication, she also had a psychiatrist that she spoke of her issues openly to - this professional could be consulted as to her state of mind and her ability to consent to James.

Section B
1. Write a haiku about pain.

 a  breathless instant
the blow falls intense moment
slow joy spreads throughout

2. Complete this paragraph, "I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because ... The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

I am a submissive because being otherwise does not make me happy. I'm a naturally outgoing, boisterous, domineering person; but I don't want to be that person in my romantic life. I' have found that if my partner does not take control, I dislike it and I eventually end up unhappy - chewing him up and spitting him out. D/s has provided for a level of intimacy, communication. and love I never thought possible with another. I also enjoy rougher impact play, service, and mental submission which is hard to achieve in a vanilla relationship or just in the bedroom.

3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

This is my best attempt; I am rubbish at creative stories and poems (actually detest writing/reading most)

blindly lead
where he commands
as he commands
the slip of rope down my side
the bite of knots as I pull down
the snap of the belt hitting my flesh
the loss of control
never before being so free
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