Sunday, June 06, 2021

Depression and Not Feeling Kinky

Last night while I was sleeping, Sir sent me a message via Fetlife. That is typically how we communicate about kinky things in our relationship. So if I see a Fetlife message from him, I know right away the general gist of the content, as opposed to him sending a regular email or the like.

It made me so pleased! We've had a rough go of it lately.My caregiving duties for my mother have steadily ramped up and up and up - and as the depression and despair creeped in, I made less and less time for myself, and for us. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been writing here as often, I think. I've been going to therapy for over a year now, and it's helped tremendously. I'm now also on a medication that while is not prescribed for depression, is definitely helping in that regard. Conversely, my mother has needed even more attention in the past year. She's been hospitalized twice, and is currently in skilled nursing. We're not sure if she will be able to go home, and since she is not handling her situation herself (though she *is* capable) its being dumped into my lap. Which is how she usually operates. With all that going on, I just haven't made time for me. I haven't felt "like me" in awhile.

The other reason for the lack of writing is that to be frank, there wasn't that much kink going on *to* write about. Sir has also been having a rough go of it. He was unemployed for the last 14 months. For Sir, his sense of self-worth and confidence is definitely tied to his career. So being unemployed (through no fault of his own), really tanked his self-esteem. And that tanked his ability to be dominant, or even *feel* dominant. 

Last month, he accepted a job offer for a true unicorn job in his field. And in the weeks since, I've seen his demeanor improve so much! He is definitely less depressed, more confident and I felt like he was starting to feel more dominant as well. Him reaching out last night proves that, I think.

I am so ready for that. I miss that side of him, and I miss us.
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