Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Subtle Public Submission

Thinking about the Ren Faire, it's a great place where one living the lifestyle can be a little freer, without anyone being the wiser. The dress typically seen there is such that many BDSM related clothing won't receive a second glance. Plus, I can ask "My Lord" a question, or see how "Sir" is, and no one will bat an eyelash.

Are there other places you can think of where subtle submission is publicly possible without others really being aware of it?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Choices and Setting Up To Fail

Lately I've been wondering about my role, and how one can be set up to fail. Now this intro does sound like I am wondering about how my Sir would set me up to fail, and to an extent, I am thinking about that. But the situation at hand is how I set him up to fail, and if that's even within the scope of my role as his submissive.

Recently, Sir and I went to the Renaissance Faire. I was very excited and we did end up having a good time. A few weeks prior to our going, we were at a party and a friend of mine had just come from the Faire. Sir commented on her attire, saying that it was a very attractive look, and that he'd love to see me wearing something like that. (This made me happy for two reasons; I could absolutely accomplish this, and he wasn't comparing me to this woman, or saying that she was attractive over me, etc).

Now, he didn't realize this at the time, but this particular woman and I have quite a history. Long story short, I have some jealousy issues, I suppose and because of this, I really wanted to knock his socks off at the Ren Faire.

The morning of Faire, I laid some clothes options out on the bed, and I asked Sir to choose for me. I had some corsets, a skirt, some scarves, etc. I also had a tie dye dress that I've worn from him before, which for some reason, I threw into the pile of choices. Out of all the options, this is what he chose. The simplest, most un-sexy, least Ren Faire-like garment of the pile.

Really? I thought. Out of ALL the things laid out, this is what was chosen? Well, I hated this choice, and I didn't really want to wear it, but its what was chosen so I put it on. He must have seen the disappointment on my face, because he asked me what was the matter. He asked me if he had made the wrong choice. I repeated my thoughts. Out everything, this is what you want? He said yes, and so I would wear it. With his prodding, I explained to him how I really wanted to impress him, so this choice makes me feel frumpy and not as good as the other girl he commented on (who was supposed to be at the Faire). He said of course that it was ridiculous, because I am beautiful, and amazing, and not a bitchy like she, and he loves me and not her naturally. I know these things in my head, but I still felt uncomfortable. He said that I could change, but once the choice is made, you really can't. This is what he chose, so this is what I will wear. I asked him to choose, and he did. Going back on the choice now would render it invalid; why even ask? And furthermore, why would I give him a choice that I didn't want to live with? By giving him a choice that would be unacceptable to me, I am setting him up to fail in this task. And this makes me wonder if its even my place to ask him to choose.

It's an odd topic. Giving up choice seems like a great way to display a power shift. Something more that I can give him over me. And yet, when I select the choices, I do have some control over the situation. Giving only choices that I like is a bit manipulative... I get what I want in either case. And yet... now I'm sitting in this dress, feeling awful, and I have to live with it. What does one do in this situation? Now Sir feels bad, because he knows its not what I wanted. He remembered how I said I wanted to really blow him away. Now I don't have that choice, and no matter what I wear, it won't matter. I won't change, because I want to please him, but in doing that, I'm making myself miserable at least until I can get over it. Even if I did change, I'd feel bad because it's not what he wanted. Plus, who do I think I am anyway? Asking Sir to choose and then being upset when he makes the "wrong" choice? Yet, I still feel the same way.

From something that was supposed to be fun and innocuous, came this giant issue for our relationship. What the hell would happen if this choice wasn't over an outfit, but over something really important? It also makes me wonder how Doms feel, and empathize. There is a lot of pressure, I suppose, to set things up right. In one instance, I set my Sir up to fail, he "failed" at a choice I gave him, and no one won. On the other hand, doesn't it serve me right? Or maybe I can think of this as a learning experience.

To rectify matters, we did have fun at the Ren Faire at least, and this weekend is a similar faire in which I believe he's allowing me to finally knock his socks off. I really want to impress him, so hopefully it will set these odd feelings right.

I still don't know what to do about choices however. Is it wrong of me to ask him to choose? Maybe asking for him to choose is okay, as long as I'm not quantifying it? No options, no multiple choice... just fill in the blank.

Friday, September 16, 2011

You Lost What?

I lost my vibrating dildo.


I have no idea where it is.

The other day I had a blissful moment alone. Really alone. No relatives, no roommate, even the cat was off somewhere. I thought this occasion would be a good moment for some me time. So I go to find my toys, and this one is missing.

It's nowhere I would ever usually put it. I emptied out all the drawers. I searched some unusual spots as well. Nothing.

I mean, I've left it out on a RARE occasion, but I've NEVER misplaced it. This is just not the sort of thing one misplaces, you know?

I'm hoping that for some reason Sir has it. He's used it on me before, and I'm hoping that it's in his special bag.

Or barring that, I hope that when it does turn up, I am the one it turns up for, and not the other people that live in this house!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wartenberg Wheel - Take Two

I was a little bit nervous to try using this sex toy again. The last time we used it I had a very adverse reaction. This time, however, was very very different.

After we spoke about what happened the first time we used it (my freaking out), he said that we would try this again. He didn't bring it out for a long while, however, though he had many occasions to do so. I was starting to think that he forgot about it, but maybe he was waiting on me to indicate that I was ready. I finally mentioned something to him, saying that we should try it again. I really didn't want to do that; I feel as though my saying that is giving too much direction. I have a need for him to take more control and lead more when it comes to these things.

That night we finally got to see each other. After a nice evening out, as we're getting ready for bed, he pulls out the Wartenberg Wheel. I almost felt like I didn't want to do this. I felt like my mentioning it lead to us directly using, and that me having too much power, or something like that. So I tried to get out of it, but he decided we were going to do it anyway. I think this was a good decision on his part. If you're going to ask for something, don't complain about getting it, or try to wriggle your way out of it.

Be careful what you wish for.

At first, the entire scene was very...clinical. He would use it on various parts of my body, and ask me how it felt. He also has a bright standing fluorescent light in his room, and the light added to that clinical feel. This time around, however, the sensations were quite pleasant. I think its because he was being much more precise about it. It's got a great use as a tickling device, when used in the right spots, or just very lightly, anywhere. We discovered that I squirm a great deal if its used on my spine, ass, and feet. Pressing hard, you get a bit of a bite, but its pleasant.

Just what the doctor ordered.

From this clinical scene, things changed very quickly. I went from feeling like a patient or test subject to... not. The wheel definitely had a very positive effect on me this time around, because my body was more than ready for sex. Lately, we've been having some issues as the Dirty Old Man is well endowed and sometimes I hurt afterward. Not this time. The tickling, the squirming, the feel of control there... I was definitely feeling it.

Perfect prescription.

I could see this being effective as not only a foreplay toy, or something to get one started on bigger things, but as the entire headliner itself. It's great for beginners, or those that want to dabble with sensations and pain, but not get too hardcore. I wouldn't recommend this product for deep masochists and those looking for a heavier pain. The spikes on the wheel are rounded and probably won't break skin, even with heavy pressing. That being said, I enjoyed this toy greatly, and with this new experience I'm now happy its found a way into our bondage toys bag!

Thank you, Edenfantasys!

Friday, September 09, 2011

Yes, what?


“…Yes, what?”

“Oh…Yes, Sir!”

This is an all-too typical conversation that the Dirty Old Man and I are forced to have nearly every time we’re together.

For the life of me, I just cannot get this to stick. I don’t know why and I’m not sure what to do to get myself to remember this all the time, every time. I guess it’s just not something that I’m used to, and it’s not something that is ingrained in my nature. But it needs to be.

The odd thing is, I like using Sir. I find it to be an appropriate term to show my respect and submission. I also know it pleases him, so doing it pleases me. But I can’t remember to do it every time. Sometimes I don’t even remember to say “Yes”. I’ll say something like, “Mmmhmm” or “Uh huh”. I’ve finally figured out that usually I give a less coherent response if he’s doing something physical to me that I like. But that doesn’t make it okay.

It got to the point this weekend where he was holding me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position asking me questions and I was responding appropriately. At the end of this he asked me, “Are you going to remember this now?”

I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also didn’t want to lie and I know myself. So I had to tell him that no, I would probably forget. I thought, however, that I would at least remember for the duration of this interaction. I was wrong.

He was tying me up and he asked me if there was any chance that I would be able to free myself. I tested it and then I enthusiastically said, “No way”. It wasn’t even plainly said, it was kind of in a singsong type of voice. “Noo waaaay.”

What? He was completely dumbfounded. Gobsmacked. It took him by such surprise, that he just stopped and stared at me in blankness. To make matters worse, I could feel laughter bubbling up inside me at the absurdity of it all. I tried to hold it in, but a few seconds later, it burst from my mouth very forcefully. I guess it was a nervous reaction, because I knew that it wasn’t an appropriate response.

He just said, “What am I going to do with you? I don’t even know what to do with you right now.”

I was very nervous, and a little bit upset, because I knew I had disappointed him. I was disappointed in myself. Why can’t I get this? It’s quite a simple concept. I also expected to be punished. When that didn’t come, I was confused, but I didn’t know if I should bring it up at the time.

The next night, we had a very long talk about what happened. I told him that I at least expected him to remove the bonds, and make me go stand in the corner while he does something that is obviously not paying attention to me, like turning on the TV. Being removed from his attentions, especially when I’ve done wrong is something that really bothers me. I think it could be quite effective, and it had been in the past.

He then said something funny.

“You know, to any ‘normal’ person, a punishment would be to be put in rope. For you, its not being in the rope.”

In a way, this huge gaffe was a bit of a blessing in disguise, because we ended up talking about a lot of things in our relationship. Not that we don’t talk, but I guess we just haven’t had the time to sit and really analyze things. I think I need for him to be more stern. In our daily lives out in the vanilla world, I’m actually quite dominant and while he’s not a follower, he’s not really a leader either. I suppose it’s a bit of a struggle for us sometimes to form the type of relationship that we want and makes us the most happy. But we’re both willing to work on it, and I assured him that I wasn’t just going to get up and leave if things aren’t working out 100% all the time. It’s a learning process and we’re new to this.

So back to “Yes, Sir.” I suggested that to make it stick, I need a more immediate consequence. Not addressing it (and other things) is probably teaching me that I can get away with stuff. And I’m going to test him; it‘s just in my nature (isn‘t it in nearly everyone‘s?). I also think I really need to focus and practice. Whenever we’re alone, even if we’re not directly in that headspace I should just say it. I’m just hoping that doesn’t leak over into our public life.

Does anyone out there have any other suggestions for making it stick? I really want this to work, and it feels like a huge hurdle.
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