Friday, October 05, 2012

How Much of My Feelings Should I Let Through?

Sir and I had a bit of a difficult night, tonight.

I've been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress lately. My outdoor job suddenly needs me A LOT, and I've been working nearly every day. I have this new upcoming job that has been really disorganized. They've changed my position twice, and I've not even started yet. The workload for the position they now want me for is going to be enormous, but I don't have ANY time off to prepare. I have a training for them tomorrow, and I'm hoping to address these concerns. I'm getting fed up and anxious. But I need this job so badly that I can't really tell them where to go.

My home life has been rather difficult. My roommate has been just that - my ROOMmate. But it's been taking a toll on us. No privacy. No autonomy. Plus the fact that we're both in our late twenties with steady relationships make things awkward to have been sharing a bedroom. We had to find a different solution, so everyone had to move around. Her boyfriend built her a loft in one of our closets. I switched to a smaller room. To do that, the house is upside down. My adorable cat urinated on ALL of my clothes, bedding, and baggage that I had placed on the couch during this move for a reason that I cannot fathom. And the couch too. And the bottom of my closet. So I've been trying to work on what he peed on and where so I can try to get it out. It's way too many items, definitely over 50% of my things. Some of these items are irreplaceable - hand made, by me. Some of them can be replaced, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I'm attempting to get the odor out. I've spent the past few days smelling everything and putting them into piles.

Sir called me tonight while I was in the middle of this. My nose is shot - it sounds like I have a cold, but I don't. Usually, I try to keep my mood as pleasant as possible for him, whether he knows it or not.I try not to let him see my anger, especially if its not directed at him. But tonight, he got a big dose of my angst. I wasn't yelling or anything, but in the middle of talking, he says abruptly - "can I just call you back later?" I said okay, but I was upset inside. Both at him and myself.

I'm upset with myself because my feelings and anger obviously upset Sir. He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with it. He tried, but in this situation there's really nothing he can do. So maybe, I should keep these things inside and not bring him down. I'm supposed to uplift him, not drag him with me.

On the other hand, this is who I am. I am a grouchy person. I've told him this intellectually, but I don't usually present that side of myself to him. But I think he needs to know. He needs to know me - all of me. And I don't respond well to being overstressed. Which I am; a lot. So, I guess I feel like he needs to learn to deal with it, or handle me. As my Dom.

But if its not my place to be like that, I need to learn to channel these feelings in other ways. Usually, when I'm upset, I'll try and confront the person involved. Except here, I really can't. I can't go yell at my cat and gain any sort of closure. I can't just do a quick wash of these things and have it be okay. I can't tell my job to get their shit together. I can't have the house magically fix itself.

So where is the line? Do I keep it in, or do I let it out? Or some other option I can't think of?

Sir called back and apologized for essentially "hanging up on me" (his words). He said that he didn't know what to do, and he couldn't help. So I suppose that means that I should try to keep it contained. On the other hand, I'm sort of upset with him because he can't handle me. This happens from time to time. We're growing, we're learning...except I suppose I feel that he's not. I don't feel he spends time trying to research, or think of new things. I feel that our D/s relationship is stagnant.

Sitting here processing this makes me think that maybe, I should have just stopped. Tried to meditate or relax so I could be in a better state to have a conversation. We don't have any rituals for that. And I'm even hesitant to mention it because I don't want to top from the bottom. I want him to come up with things on his own.

He gave me extra time tonight to write this. But I do have that training early in the morning and I need to head to bed. Time to send a goodnight text and hit the sheets. Maybe sleep will help me process this.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012


 I was being pretty needy and maybe a bit bratty the other night. Sir was an hour away, and I had to work the entire weekend. I’ve not been following rules as I should; my house is in complete disarray, and my daily schedule is all screwed up. As such, I think Sir’s been a bit lenient with me. Maybe too lenient. I find myself slipping, especially in my mind.

Sometimes when I mess up, it’s because of forgetfulness, or because of circumstances out of my control. But lately, it’s been… not quite deliberate, not quite planned, but I’m certainly aware and I’m apathetic. I finally admitted as much to Sir, and writing it here does put a knot in my stomach. That’s wrong. Sir takes care of me and has rational and reasonable rules for my well-being. But I suppose by not enforcing those rules for what feels like quite some time, it made me feel like they didn’t matter. So I didn’t follow. And nothing happened. So I stopped caring.

Accountability is a tough thing. Yes, it’s Sir’s responsibility to make sure that I’m on track, and to correct me if I’m not, but it’s also my responsibility to acknowledge when I’m not following the rules. I need to work to get myself back to where I need to be, or I need to ask for help. And I suppose when the case is apathy, it’s help that I need. If I were forgetful, I could take measures to provide a reminder. But how does one correct their own apathy?

I’ve read a bit about apathy and some say apathy is caused by a feeling powerless. If one is powerless, why care? But in D/s – I choose to give up that power and control. So why am I feeling apathetic? I’m guessing that its mostly non-D/s outside forces poking their head in and pulling me in a few different directions. Making me anxious and taking my focus. I need a reboot, perhaps.
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