Tuesday, March 20, 2018

March Questions: When Did You Know You Were Kinky? First Kink Relationship?

Trying to get these questions answered before the end of March (not sure if that will happen, but I do promise to answer them all)!

I have two questions to answer today (they both kind of related to one another).

Olivia asked:

When did you first know you were kinky - what happened that made you recognize it? Is there a story to tell?

Amy asked:

Is this your first relationship like this, or were there others beforehand? How did the very first one come about?

For me, kink wasn't something I was always fully aware of. There are those people who always knew that they were different; that their wants/needs were out of the societal norm, so to speak. I was not that way.

I cover a little of this in my first post on this blog ever: A Bit of Backstory. I wrote this post before I had really started dating Sir (though we were already "talking" at that time).

I'd  had a string of failed relationships, with mostly good guys. But time and time again, they just didn't work for me. I have an outgoing, dominant personality, which I worked hard to cultivate, and is hard to let go of, now. I am typically confident and like to get shit done. And the men I was dating... well not so much. And there was always something lacking for me, something left to be desired.

The first guy I ever dated was a dreamer. Head in the clouds, kinda unrealistic. Never grew up. And I, well I did. Grow up. I see that I ran a little roughshod over him now, I was kind of the boss. We did a few kinky things, here or there in our 2.5 years together. Never anything consistent.

There was a guy after this fellow that I... engaged with... I'm not quite sure what the hell to call it, to this day. We were not in a romantic relationship. I cared for him deeply. I am not quite sure that I don't still care for this guy deeply, though I haven't seen/spoken to this guy for years (Sir is quite aware of this, just for context). It is clear to me now that he was definitely into D/s. And a lot of our interactions opened up this side of me that I didn't really know existed. I liked to give him power. I liked to please him. But he was a sociopath, and ultimately I couldn't trust him and I was damaging my own mental health. So I "broke up" with him. Which was strange and awkward because he made it clear that he was not my boyfriend. So I ended our friendship, effectively. But I never got over it, and I don't know if I ever fully will. I had a dream about this guy last night, in fact. What timing.

The next guy was an artist. But didn't really have his shit together; he still doesn't, though I care for him as a friend to this day. He was a little kinky; liked rough sex. The first time we were together I had such bruises (that I enjoyed), that when a friend accidentally saw them she was shocked, to say the least.

The man after that was someone I knew since I was 12 (and he was 13). He had a high libido and an interest in anal, but other than that, pretty vanilla. But again, still floundering in life. I helped him as much as I could, but didn't think we had a future together.

The last man (this is the last man I dated before Sir) was someone who kinda had his life together. Our first sexual encounter had him being very dominant, very physical. I found I really liked this. He was ultimately a cheating asshole, who broke up with me because I had "trust issues".

With each of these men, there were times they behaved dominantly, and I was always very very into this. I always wanted more, but didn't know how to get it. With each of these men, I also recognized that most of them didn't have their shit together, and I often had to boss them around, help them with their life. Which I hated. There is something very sexy about a man who has it together, or who is very self-motivated to work towards his goals.

So after that last failed relationship, I really started thinking about what I liked and disliked. I think it was around this time I quite literally stumbled onto some BDSM fiction stories. I was googling Harry Potter stuff, of all things, and a fanfic came up in the search list that was very adult in nature. I read it; it spoke to me. I started thinking more and more about a relationship like that; a real one with trust.  I would say the relationship I had with the man I was NOT dating was probably the closest thing before Sir. I started doing research and reading online. And I spent time on dating sites looking to see if there were men out there into this sort of thing. There were. Oh, there were.

I went on a few very awkward dates. Then, Sir contacted me. He was polite. He understood grammar and punctuation. He spent a lot of time talking to me (an entire month) before suggesting we meet. When we did meet, he was an absolute gentleman. We went on four dates before he even kissed me (on the cheek!). He took time to get to know me. We talked about our vanilla lives, and our kinky interests. We filled out BDSM checklists together. And we just kept on seeing each other.

Seven years later, here we are. Most of my BDSM experiences are with Sir, barring the very few things I tried with the men I dated before him. I find that the more we try and the longer we're together, the more my tastes evolve. Over time, I have recognized that I was probably always into bondage, but I didn't know it. I liked being in confined spaces. I liked being tied, and would fiddle and tie myself with my dress strings, etc. I always kind of liked a little pain. I liked not being in control. Most of my fantasies involved a man being in control of me; telling me what to do, etc.

So for me, it was a slow awakening that took years! I started dating Sir and really exploring this head-on when I was 27. I realize there are folks that come to this way later in life, and I am thankful that I found this earlier on. It has fulfilled me in such a deep way. My relationship with Sir is so much more intimate, honest, and open because of BDSM. I don't think I could be in a purely vanilla relationship again.

I hope this answers the questions, Olivia and Amy! 

Monday, March 19, 2018

If All Else Fails...

I was a bit cranky this morning.

When I am cranky, I usually need one of two things: carbs or caffeine. I mentioned this to Sir. He agreed.

"Yeah, when you're cranky, I just gotta shove something in your face... a ball gag if necessary."

"If all else fails, use ball gag?"


Friday, March 16, 2018

FFF: Seventh Inning Stretch

Fit for Friday today. Starting this post after work rather than right when I start my day seems odd to me now. But here it is!

I feel like I handled this week pretty well. Maybe this is me starting to get into the groove of things. I do feel really tired, though. Need more sleep. And I don't have the time to declutter; it's all I can do to barely maintain the house right now. But I am okay with that.

Workouts:4/7  Two sports practices out of three, did Sunday and Wednesday. I skipped Thursday because I was so tired and cranky. We're only required to do two a week, but I try to go for three. Not sure if I can handle it with working and having to be up early. I went to bed at 12:30 AM on Wed, and had to be up at 5:30 AM... that is not sustainable. Did calisthenics on Monday. HIIT workout on Tuesday.

Eating: 4/7  I ate under my goal for three days, and under maintenance the rest of the days. I feel I did pretty well!

Weight: Down 1.2 lbs! 😊 (I'm actually down 2.2 lbs, but I think some of it was a bit of dehydration, so I didn't want to over-count it.

Stress: 😐 I am still a little stressed, but managing better than last week. I need to make choices to keep myself calm, and sleep plays huge into how I feel and how I'm able to handle things.

Decluttering: Nooooooooope. And The house needs some work. Clothes on the bathroom floor, sink FULL of dishes, too.

Sleep: 2/7  I only got two nights with 8 or more hours of sleep. I know I said my initial goal was 7 hours, but I'm finding that I had 4 nights with 7 (and one with 6) (and one with over 10, and another with 8 on the nose), and I still feel exhausted. If I need 8 hours to function well, and I get 7 each night, by the end of the week that is a deficit of 7 hours! So I really need to be aiming for 8. Last night I had an irrational sleep-deprived breakdown. I couldn't take it, I was so mad and so overtired that I couldn't nap, even. So I really have to figure out how to get eight hours. I don't know how people with kids do it; I don't have children, and between my job, and sports, I feel so very tired. I can't imagine having to handle little ones too. I am feeling judged by others for "being tired" when I don't have kids. Its probably in my head though.

I have to work tomorrow, but I go in late so I can sleep in. I don't have to go anywhere tonight, so as soon as Sir gets home we can hang out! I definitely feel like we're just passing in the night the past few weeks. We live together and don't see each other as much with our schedules conflicting.

You guys are doing so well! Keep at it!

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Favorite Toys

For Q & A  month, Roz asked if I had a favorite implement. Funnily enough, I had already nearly finished writing the following:

Do you have a favorite in your kink toybag? If so, what is it? Why does it appeal to you?

I think I have two favorites. One, is the spreader bar that Sir made.  He made three different sizes, but for my legs, the longest is my favorite. I suppose it is my favorite for how it makes me feel. There's something about being forced to be spread eagle, out on display that just does it for me.

The other is this flogger:

It's beautiful. Just lovely to look at, in a way that a lot of our other toys aren't. I so enjoy the impact it provides. It gives more of an intense thud than a sting, but I find I can take it longer. 

It's versatile. Besides the impact, the falls make for great tickling. And that handle. It's smooth against the skin, held to the throat, or sensuously slid down the spine. And the metal holds temperature - usually, cold. It can cool a burning ass, or perk up a nipple. 

What are some of  your favorite toys?

Saturday, March 10, 2018

March Questions: Movies & Memories

I was really pleasantly surprised to see that I actually had questions for Question and Answer month! I've been blogging here for about 7 years now, and I've never participated before.

My first two questions come from Roz (she actually asked three, but I already have half a post in my draft folder pertaining to her third question that I will finish up!)

"What is your favorite movie? Favorite childhood memory?"

Movies! That's a hard one for me. I don't think I have a single favorite. But you know you have those movies, that anytime you see them on TV or at a friends home you just have to stop what you're doing to finish watching them? I have a few like that. I'll pick two of them, so we won't be here all day, haha.


The entire Harry Potter film series. I loved when Freeform/ABC Family had their Harry Potter weekends. I first got into Harry Potter in 2002. The first four books were out, but I was already an adult. I didn't think those books/movies were "for me". Then, HBO had the first HP movie on. I caught it almost from the beginning and I was HOOKED! I even got out the TV Guide to see when it would be playing again, just so I could tape it. I watched that tape so many times. Shortly thereafter, the second movie came out in theatres. I went to see it with my then-boyfriend, and loved that one even more. I got the first four books that Christmas, and the rest is history. I really adore that first movie for getting me into that world, and for helping me to acknowledge my geeky side. I am a huge part of the HP fandom, to this day. A cosplay-making, convention-going fan!


The other movie I'll list is Where the Heart Is. I don't know what it was about that movie, but I adored it; this coming-of-age tale filled with overcoming struggle. It just spoke to me. Any time that movie is on, I will stop what I am doing to watch it. I've never read the book though!

Memory: I had an interesting childhood. There were good times and bad times. Love and struggle. My parents were mostly good people, but they had their faults and there was some really bad shit that went down when I was growing up. My mom is a manic-depressive alcoholic, who raised me and my brother essentially on her own (though my dad was always around and helping as much as he could) until I was 14. Things got crazy, living with her, but she always tried really hard. I remember there was a summer when I was 11 going on twelve. She wanted us to get away from all our crazy problems. Her brother had just passed away from AIDS. Her and my father had separated years ago, but had an on-again off-again thing going. And it was off-again and my dad was parading around his new girlfriend to her neighbors next door. Cause she wouldn't see that or anything. Things were just stressful. 

Somehow on her limited government assistance budget, she rented us a small run-down bungalow in Queens. Right next to Rockaway Beach, a two block walk. It was the shittiest little shack ever, but we loved it. The shower was outside. There were "worms" in the drinking water. The entire inside was unfinished exposed wood, pipes, etc. It was rickety, and dark, and creaky. When the remnants of Hurricane Floyd came through, I remember huddling with my brother as the lights flickered on and off, and the old window panes rattled. The sound was deafening! In the morning, the beach was GONE. There was part of the boardwalk, and then water. No sand. No beach. It took years to rebuild. 

I look back on that summer as one of the happiest ones of my life, though. We went to the beach everyday. We swam, and boarded, and made sandcastles. We made friends with other kids who lived in their own little run-down shacks nearby. We'd eat bologna sandwiches that always seemed to have a little sand in them on the beach for lunch. At night, we'd bundle up and walk the boardwalk, looking at the moon. We'd run after the ice cream truck at dusk. My mom even let us bring our bird, a little cockatiel. Many mornings, she'd get us up when it was still dark, and we'd bring Sunny, our bird, cage and all out to the beach. We'd climb up on the lifeguard towers, Sunny between us, and watch the sunrise. Watch the sandpipers flit out to grab clams and sand crabs, and then flee hilariously as the two-inch tide would roll in. There are so many funny (and not-so-funny) stories from that summer that my family still tells all the time, to this day. But I remember my mom, trying really hard to give us a good summer. Away from our questionable neighborhood, away from real life, and the heat. For one summer, I felt like we were the richest kids on earth - sun, and sand, and fun everyday.

This is one of the very few pictures I have from that summer. My family didn't have a camera, I don't think.
 But my uncle came to visit with his and took a few shots. This is from me and him on the boardwalk at sunset

The beach is my absolute favorite place ever since. Doesn't really matter what beach. If there's sand and some waves, I am a happy chick.

Thank you for the questions, Roz!

Friday, March 09, 2018

FFF: Struggle in the Sixth Week

Another Fit for Friday is here! I made it through the week somehow, hurrah!

This was a rough week for me. I started back at my "real"  job on Saturday (I work super part-time at another job in the winter). The first day was pretty intense, we had a big event that required a lot of physical activity. And then... just getting used to it all again. The 5:30 AM wakeup, the 1.5 hour drive each way, managing the rest of my life in a very small window of time. Throwing sports practice into the mix, being sick... I definitely don't have it figured out. I am exhausted and hoping that another week or two will have me feeling "normal" again.

I am off today, though! So I am going to use this day as much as possible to do the little things I couldn't all week, and relax a bit. I'm going to dye my hair. Do my nails. Take a long hot shower. Catch up on all your blogs! Do some core exercises. Play some video games. Maybe write a bit here, even.

Onto my week. I'm not expecting much, honestly.

Workouts: 😞 I did not work out at all. I did literally drag myself to two sports practices. I skipped out on one this week, and one last week! I'm tired and still sick. Going to practice on Wednesday was a real struggle. I felt awful and that I went backwards in progress, even.

Eating: 😏 Apparently I didn't even log food last Friday, so it must have been bad! I have no idea what I ate that day. In general ate more this week than I have been, either at or slightly under maintenance. I find myself hungry at work and I'm not used to the schedule yet. I see myself adjusting and eating a little less and a little less each day as the week went on though! At least I was mostly under maintenance, so I will take it for this week! I have to figure out how to pack  healthy filling snacks so I'm not hitting the candy bowl. I pack snacks, I'm just still hungry.

Weight: 😊 Down 0.8 from last week. That is great! I do feel like the past few weeks I've been hovering though. I'm currently 177.0 lbs. If I could get to 175 and continue from there, I think I'd feel like I'm making progress. I've been going from 176ish to 178ish for the past few weeks. Ups and downs.

Stress: 😵I am stressed. Lots of new change, A LOT of new responsibilities at work... I'm essentially being trained for another position, but really just throwing myself in there. But right now, I still have my current position. So, I'm doing both jobs. It will probably work out fine, but I'm anxious because of it. That plus lack of sleep and I am a bit frazzled.

Decluttering: 😐  Hahahaha. It was all I could do this week just to keep our daily messes contained! I think I did that, more or less, but didn't have time to work on focused areas. I want to get to reorganizing the bathroom shelves and medicine cabinet. Eventually. Next week, maybe? 

Sleep: 3.5/7 Three nights I managed to sleep about 8 hours or more. One night I managed 7. The other three nights, was a bit less than 6 hours. I need to work on this. Having sports practice on a worknight is hard. I get to bed around midnight, and have to be up around 5:30 am. Six o'clock if I really rush myself and have most things ready the night before. Last night I was able to take a nap before practice, for about a half hour. Not sure if it helped.

I was so tired getting in last night that I forgot to put my collar on before hopping into bed. Sir said he was going to punish me, except I have to leave for the dentist in about ten minutes.

What I'm looking forward to the next couple of days: Sleeping in. And cuddling with Sir. If he doesn't change his mind and punish me first.

I hope you all have a fantastic week-end and a great week!

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Quiet Jingle

I felt like I had a bell around my neck. Normally, I don't really pay much attention to the sound my collar makes as I move around the house. It does jingle, and Sir absolutely loves that, though. I have three o-rings on it that clink and clatter when I move.

But that night, Sir went to bed early. He had two interviews in the morning (HOORAY!). And a pinched nerve in his neck making him feel shitty.

I had some pressing volunteer work I had to finish, so I went to bed after him. I was trying to be quiet and respectful when coming to bed. I didn't turn on the lights. I used my phone light to find my pajamas and put them on. So as quiet as I am trying to be, naturally I fall trying to get into my PJ pants, which were half inside-out. A crash and a lot of jingling from my collar.

He didn't appear to wake, thankfully. Then I had forgotten to take my medicine, so I went to do that before bed. I come back in the room, thinking I don't need a light and crash directly into the laundry basket. A curse, and jingling everywhere.

You jingly little fuck!
It didn't seem like Sir woke up, but in the morning we were talking and he said he did remember that part, the laundry basket crash.

Dang. I thought I had managed. Well, I got my butt into bed and stopped interrupting Sir's sleep!

Click the lips for more photos using Rule of Thirds

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Quest for Questions

So I've heard that March is a "Question and Answer" month 'round these parts of the blogosphere.

Someone recently asked me if I was going to participate (my first question, ha!). Originally, I wasn't. I didn't really think about it, and  I suppose I didn't think anyone would have a question for me. Also, I'm pretty open in that folks can ask a question anytime, if so inclined.

But it does sound fun! So if you do have a question for me, feel free to leave it in the comments.
If you prefer, you can use the Drop Me A Line box at the right sidebar.

Friday, March 02, 2018

FFF5: Trying to be Fit while Sick

Fifth Fit for Friday is here!

I'm not expecting too much for this week. I went to my little cousin's birthday party this past weekend, and it turns out she was really sick, ended up going to the ER (Boo to her mom for letting her potentially infect everyone, though the little one is starting to feel better). So I got infected and now I'm sick too. Poo. I don't have high hopes for this weeks goals, I've been pooped. I've been intentionally eating more too, trying to give my body the energy to heal itself.

You Should Eat More When Sick

Workouts: 3/7 Barely. I did two sports workouts. I skipped last night. I did go for a quick jog on Sunday after practice though.

Eating: Friday and Saturday were awful. I didn't even log it. Family parties, and reunion with my cousins at night. Much alcohol and snacking. I did stay at about maintenance the other 5 days though. Not enough to counteract that increased eating for the other two days, however.

Weight: + 1.2 lbs. I expected this with the cold and overeating, though. I just hope I get over it soon so I can go back to kicking butt.

Stress: I'm not really stressed this week. I'm sleeping and resting a lot. I think I have a bit of cabin fever, actually. I've been playing video games and watching a lot of TV, which I fall asleep to.

Decluttering: I started working on the bathroom shelves, but didn't finish. I'll get to it next week, hopefully.

Sleep: Friday I didn't get much sleep. Up hanging with my cousins. But I slept over 8 hours, sometimes 10 or 11 hours every other night. Yesterday I spent most of my time unintentionally dozing. Hopefully it will help me get over my cold faster.

I go back to work, tomorrow! Eeek. While I'm very excited and I love my job, I am a bit anxious about getting into my new (old) routine. Early wakeups, long drives, managing the house, and life, and serving Sir with the new things I have going on. I figure it will be about 2 weeks of hell before I get used to it again.

In other news, my laptop is starting to crap all over itself. I can barely use it. I can't open certain programs, it overheats, it has display issues, there's something rattling inside it. It's 7 years old, which in technology terms is ancient, so it's probably time for a new one. I am not financially ready to get a new one though, so we'll see what happens. If it completely dies, I can get on through Sir's computer, though I'd prefer not to be a burden on him. Hopefully I won't disappear from blogland though.

Have a great first week of March! Spring is coming!

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