A Bit of Backstory

I don’t remember always being this way. Many people will look back into their past and realize that even in childhood, the roots were there. Through childhood games, cartoons, or movies where a character was tied up or kidnapped, and the way they felt about that, they realize that somehow it was always lying under the surface.

I have no such striking memories. Perhaps with time they will surface, but as of right now, I’m not exactly certain of why I feel the way I do; just that it’s there. And it's gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore it.

I was always very aware of my sexuality, even at a young age. I can remember being in first grade and going into the bathroom just to fantasize about my classroom crush. One would think that being so young and aware of that side of myself, I would have pursued it early, but that’s not the case. I didn’t get into a relationship until I was 18. I’ve had a few relationships since then, and though I definitely cared about each partner, I always felt as though something was missing. On a few instances in each relationship, my partner would behave in what I now identify as a “dominant” fashion, which I always enjoyed. I would wish that the dynamic would continue, but I wasn’t sure about how to get it. For various reasons, each relationship didn’t work out, but those instances always stick out in my mind.

There was also another relationship I had that sticks out in my memory. This person wasn’t quite a lover; we weren’t exactly in a romantic relationship. Yet there definitely was a sexual edge to our dynamic. I’d admired him for quite a long time, and we ran in the same social circle. We had an odd relationship. We would play games and struggle with power. He would try to get me to give control to him. I would resist, but I secretly reveled in these games we would play. He had a way of making me do just exactly what he wanted, and inside, I was happy to give it to him. I thought constantly about how I might be more pleasing to him; of gaining his approval. It wasn’t technically a D/s relationship, but I see now that it showed me a lot about myself and that type of dynamic. In the end, this particular relationship wasn’t healthy for me. I became very infatuated with him, and there wasn’t enough trust between us to sustain the dynamic. He did some very hurtful things, and I’ve ultimately suffered for it. I’ve since ended our friendship, though it's years later, and I'm still not quite over it. I often think about him, and wonder if we could ever resume a friendship, but it probably will never happen. And that’s probably for the best.

For the future, what I would ultimately be looking for wouldn’t be solely sexual. I admit, I can be a very physical creature, and I can be easily ruled by touch and pleasure. In a sexual role, I don’t enjoy being in control. It makes me feel very anxious, and I like it best when my partner takes control of me. However, I think I would desire a D/s dynamic outside of physical intimacy as well. I would want to work it into our day-to-day lives, but in a non-obvious fashion. It’s hard to reconcile this with my nature, however. I have worked hard to become more confident and outgoing. I’ve worked hard to pursue my goals, and I continue to do so. I would want somewhat of an equal partnership, but also want to submit to my partner. I would want to retain all that I’ve worked for. This proves for an odd dichotomy. How do you walk that line?

Hopefully with time, I’ll find out.