Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Doing It Vanilla

Recently while out on a date with a man I’ve been talking to on a kink-friendly website, he made a comment about how we were “doing this vanilla” i.e., our date. I remarked that this was good, because I know no other way to do it. And indeed, how else would one do a first date, regardless of circumstances?

A date is still a date, no matter what type of relationship is desired. You’re still getting to know one another; still figuring out if you’d be a good match. Personally, I don’t handle a first date (or first few dates) with someone with kinky interests any differently than I do with someone I meet in a vanilla fashion. I meet them in a public place. I want to have time to talk with them. Someone I know and trust knows where I am, who I am with, and they will call or text to be assured of my safety. At the end of the date, I go home. Alone.

The only real difference between initial vanilla dates, and kink related dates, is that I am a bit more open on a kink date. I am willing to talk more candidly about things that in a vanilla setting, I would keep to myself longer. As long as the discussion remains respectful, I see no problem with this. If it is more a “likes/dislikes” or “past experiences” discussion rather than “here is what you must do”, then these types of discussions on a kink date are acceptable to me. I think that because of the nature of the relationship most are ultimately seeking, on a kinky date it is actually better to discuss some of those things up front.

I also find that many people don’t understand this concept of “getting to know you”, especially in a kink related setting. They are unable to be up front about their interests yet still be respectful. Just because I’m seeking a relationship outside the norm, does not mean common sense or decency doesn’t apply. I am not going to meet you at your apartment. I am not going to call you Sir or Master, or engage in any type of physical activity with you. I. Do. Not. Know. You. We have no relationship as of yet. Just because it is my wish to submit doesn’t mean I want to submit to ANYONE. Nor does it necessarily make me weak, stupid, or promiscuous.

So, I don’t think that vanilla dating and kink-related dating are really separate things. I employ the same amount of sense to ensure my safety, while getting to know someone new. I’m not really sure how other people would do it though. What actually constitutes a kinky date, as opposed to a vanilla one? Does anyone else have a different experience, or ideas about dating? Are there different protocols you use for kinky dates than on vanilla ones?


  1. Lea,

    "I employ the same amount of sense to ensure my safety, while getting to know someone new"

    sounds good! You cannot go far wrong if you work to this and to do with what feels right for you.

    Unfortunately, there are many out there who think that a "kinky date" or one that is D/s is different, and you will always find those who will attempt to "Dom" from the outset and insist that you do X, Y, or Z. There is no hard and fast rule about what you do do, how, or when, but you are aware of what you want or do not want, of what you will or will not do, and that is what is important. If people cannot accept that, then it would raise red flags from the outset!

    Best wishes on your journey!

    Kat x

  2. Thanks!

    Sometimes it is good to keep safety in mind. Just because someone seems harmless, or nice, or with good intent, does not mean that they are.


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