Thursday, January 13, 2011

Finding Wisdom in Unexpected Places

For a novice such as myself, there is a lot of overwhelming information to be found on the internet concerning D/s relationships. As I feel I am naturally more outwardly analytical than introspective, thinking inwardly doesn’t come naturally. Organizing my thoughts for use here has been a great tool for me to get in touch with them. I’ve found that there was positive information or something to at least think about with nearly everything I’ve read, even if I didn’t necessarily understand the whole of it, or agree.

 Today I found a website called Taken In Hand. It’s not really a BDSM website; it’s more about a type of marriage philosophy where the husband takes complete control over his wife, almost like a TPE relationship, and the wife wants him to do so. They do have an FAQ section that addresses BDSM, but they don’t feel that TIH really fits into that umbrella. I don’t think I quite agree with it, but there were a lot of articles there that I related to, and gave me thinking material. I think the main reason why I don’t think I could personally accept it is because of the themes of complete power, dubious consent, and practices that, in my mind, seem more like abuse, even if consent is implied. Stating that rape could be a gift to your wife; it just doesn’t jive with me. I also find that the tone of some articles places women in an unequal and less-than role, though I realize that’s not the intent.

Then there were some articles I definitely found I could connect with. An article written by a newcomer to Taken In Hand relationships says that one of her first signs that this type of dynamic is what she wanted, was her enjoyment of the missionary position. I can completely relate with this. Missionary is actually my favorite sexual position. I used to think that it perhaps made me pretty boring, or vanilla, but through discussing it with my last partner I came to realize why I love it so much; it’s the sense of control. I enjoy it particularly because I feel safe, protected, and controlled by my partner. I enjoy the feel of him over and around me. I like feeling his strength. He can easily manipulate me as he wishes; he can grab and hold my arms above my head for example, and I love feeling that power. I also feel a closer connection to him in this position than in any others.

In another article, the author talks about how she doesn’t want to just submit; she wants to be made to submit, to the right person. He should earn her submission. This is a theme that I've seen in a few other articles on the Taken In Hand site. I have similar feelings about earning submission, except I of course, do desire to submit. But I don’t want to submit to just anyone, and that person should earn the gift of my submission.

This reminds me of a passage in Part II of Jeff  Mach’s GIVE: Theft. Submission is given, but it’s also stolen, taken, and won as a dominant gets to know you. They use their intimate knowledge of you to earn more of your submission, piece by piece. Besides, who wants, or can submit to just any one at any time, always? Would there be anything to submit to, if it was always so easy?


  1. Lea,

    There is a great deal of information out there, and so many who will believe in their "one true way" or say that because you do not do X, Y or Z, doesn't make you a "true" submissive. There is no such thing, the only truth is the truth that we live by, the way in which we live, and what is right for us is what is right.

    Be true to yourself, your needs and your wants!

    There are some great sites out there, take a peek at if you've not found it yet, there are many groups, a lot of activity from a lot of people, but a lot may give food for thought.

    I wish you well on your submissive journey, it certainly can be one of discovery!

    With kind regards

    Kat x

  2. Kat,

    I definitely understand what you mean about there not being "one true way". I think that submission is a very individual and personal thing. Everyone will do it differently. I do see some who write about needing a TRUE submissive, but usually I think they're just looking for a doormat, or someone to abuse. Or perhaps they're just so fixed in their ways, that they can't see anything else.

    I am on Fetlife, thanks for suggesting it! There were some good groups on there, and I like reading what others have to say, and see the meetups some do.


I ❤ comments!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...