Reflecting on a particular "scene".

I keep thinking about Sir and me on Monday and why it seemed so... important. So much more intense than normal, when in all actuality, we've done far kinkier things. He pinned my hands, teased my breasts, teased my lips, and pulled my hair.

But it felt like the world to me.

I think part of it was that feeling of control. But I also think that a lot of it has to do with the entire thing being organic. It wasn't planned. We were goofing around with me trying to get him with my hair bands, and then somehow, things shifted. The very air around us seemed to change.

Lately, we've been so busy and overworked that we've literally had conversations about which date we could plan sex. Sex is an important part of any relationship - sure the whole relationship can't be about sex, but if you take the sex out it causes problems. But it's difficult to get into it when you feel like you're on a prescribed schedule. This time, we just were us. No plans- letting things flow naturally. We stayed up late and the sacrifice of sleep was worth it.

I think the other thing that made me happy about the experience was just that I was really into it. Sir says I was wet. Very wet. This time last year, I had almost no libido because of the medication I was on, and it was a real struggle to get interested. I was afraid that somehow it would be like that forever! I am so relieved and thankful to see that is no longer the case.

As a sidenote, I had not been wearing my collar regularly lately (but I have been wearing my wristcollar). Sir hadn't given me shit for it; he said himself that he hasn't been enforcing anything lately, and that's true. But I put it on of my own accord that night, and I've kept it on so far.

He laughed, saying, "I fucked you so good it made you put your collar on!"

I guess that is one way to go about it. ;)

Epiphanies and Revelations

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. While trying on a dress in a fitting room, I was waiting for my roommate to come over and give me her opinion. Absentmindedly, I was fiddling with the dress while waiting, and a few moments later, I look down to see that I had bound myself into this dress (It is a wraparound dress that has long pieces of fabric to tie the wrap together). I was immediately amused, but it also made me realize that I always do this. Even as a kid, I would toy with ropelike fabrics, or just fabrics in general, and bind myself into them in different ways. I never really considered it part of this journey before, but I suppose that’s more because it was not something that I had remembered. It was such an “Aha!” moment that I feel like a bit of the puzzle has fallen into place. I recently engaged in a tiny bit of bondage, and I enjoyed it immensely. I can’t imagine that NOT being part of this life, and even when I would think about it previously, it was always a component in my mind.

Another revelation I had a few weeks ago concerns reactions and how you can be surprised by them. I am a thinker. I usually consider how something will go before I agree to do it, or in preparation for something that I think might happen. As such, I usually consider how I would feel about something. My actual reactions to things usually match up with my expected reactions, but on this instance, they didn’t match up. As we were leaving a restaurant, the man that I’ve been seeing (I really need to come up with a name for him) held me by the wrist as we left. It was something that I was expecting, and something we were talking about previously. I thought that I would be fine with it; that I would be calm, or feel submissive, but that’s not really what happened. I suppose you can definitely say I was feeling submissive in that moment, but I was also very anxious and nervous. It took me some time to analyze it, but I felt like I was in trouble. Initially, I likened it to feeling like a small child, but that wasn’t quite accurate. I felt as though I had done something improper or displeasing, and that I was about to be taken to task. We talked about it, and it will definitely have its use for the future, but I wonder about the reactions of others.

How do you feel when your significant other takes you by the wrist? Or, if you are one that is doing the wrist-taking, what is your usual intent or purpose?