Punished this Week

Sunday was a hard day. I was just having "one of those mornings". Where everything seems to be going wrong. Sir accidentally ate my breakfast, and had to be stopped from eating my other breakfast. I found out he couldn't go somewhere with me on Monday; I wanted to have a cute little date at our local roller rink as they were having a cheap offer, TWO dollars!! I'd mentioned this to him for weeks and he said he would go. So I was miffed that he had made an appointment and now couldn't go.

Then for my fitness challenge I had to do a video game dancing work out (you get different challenges every week). I was trying to set my game up and my dance pad stopped working; it's broken. I think at this point I just lost it. I kind of threw a tantrum. Sir was trying to help, saying, "You have another one, we'll just use this one!" I was being irrational.

"I don't wan't that one, I want both. I have two so two people can play at the same time... now I have to buy another one!" I let out a groan, and I'm pretty sure stomped my foot. Eventually I sat down on the couch, and that's where my real feelings came out.

"I don't want to do today. I don't want to go to sports practice. I don't want to do this stupid dance workout. And I certainly don't want to go to another funeral, watching my cousins say goodbye to their dad," I exclaimed!

Well, there it is, I guess. The real source of my anger. My uncle passed away last Monday. He was very sick. And I suppose I didn't want to deal with the passing of another father. I think I had feelings tied up in the grief of my own dad. I wasn't very close with my uncle, but he was a good man, and watching my cousins, who I am close with, grieve that loss... I know the feeling all too well, and it's awful.

But Sir had me finish my dance workout, and packed all my stuff up for sports practice, loaded the car with it and things I had for my cousins, and drove me to practice, and then picked me up and then drove me to the funeral. He was amazing and super helpful. And I was irrational and not fully appreciative. As we got into the car, a giant snowmelt fell off the tree directly splatting onto my head. "I guess this is the kinda shitty day it's going to be," I said.

After sports practice, where I had pushed myself harder than I had in weeks, I was absolutely ravenous and a little hangry. My blood sugar was low, and I was being a little bit bitchy. Sir stopped at a McDonald's and put Chicken McNuggets in my face as we drove. It helped. Also, Chicken McNuggets from McDonald's with sweet n' sour sauce is one of my guilty pleasures. I know I shouldn't eat McDonald's but I love those nuggets! After I had eaten I could see clearer. I let him know that I loved him, and did appreciate him being absolutely amazing and helping me all morning when I was being a bit crazy. He said he loved me, and would always help me, and that of course I was going to be punished for my behavior.

We got through the day. Sir was continued to be great, and he handled dealing with my crazy in-your-face family at their grieving worst with grace and patience.

When it was all over and we were finally in the car making the two hour drive back, Sir reminded me that I was going to be punished when we got home. He said it wasn't for having emotions, or for me having a rough day; he gets that. It was for specifically how I treated him, when he was trying to help. How I  yelled back at him about the dance pad when he was providing an actual solution. And I made a snippy comment when we were getting a little lost about how neither could he drive or read a fucking map. I was mad because I didn't want to drive, I wanted the time in the car to get ready for the funeral, do my hair and put on makeup. We had switched drivers at the McDonald's. I had not yet eaten, but that's not really an excuse. He was trying very hard to help and my comment wasn't fair.

So I was trying of course to get out of him what the punishment would be. Cornertime? A very hard spanking (that never happens)? Laundry? Sleeping apart from him?

Turns out I guessed correctly eventually. He had me take an epsom salt bath when I got home to soak my aching muscles (it was hard getting down the stairs leaving my aunt's house; muscle soreness from pushing myself setting in). When I got out, he had set up the air mattress at the foot of our bed. He had me get in, then chained my left leg, ensuring I stayed put. Lately, he's been chaining me to bed, but it's usually OUR bed.

I had to sleep alone, cold, and without him. No cuddles. No pets. No security. It was especially fitting because on the ride home all I was talking about is how great it would be to get into bed with him and cuddle. We didn't have to get up in the morning so we could revel in it. Nope. Not for this girl. And it had to be bad for Sir too. Having to punish me punishes him. He was alone in bed, without me to cuddle on him. It just added another layer to the remorse I was feeling over how I treated him.

I definitely deserved it. Sir was merciful and once morning came, he undid the chain and allowed me back into bed with him for a morning cuddle. Made all the better by having to miss out on it all night.

I am truly sorry for the way I treated you, Sir. I am allowed to have emotions and feelings, but I shouldn't take them out wrongly on you. Thank you, Sir, for putting me to rights.

In my case, I think it's a little of both.

Don't Forget!

This morning, I left my wristcollar in the bathroom after I went to weigh myself (because obviously I have to do that completely naked; that bracelet could add TONS to my weight, haha!)

Well, Sir has been getting frustrated with me forgetting to put it back on lately. When he found it, he had me face myself down on the couch, and he got out the belt. He struck me over 20 times, asking me, "What did you forget?" repeatedly. Apparently, my first responses weren't submissive enough, contrite enough, perhaps. Eventually they changed and were to his liking. He placed the wristcollar back on, and we went on to have a lovely day.

We watched Pete's Dragon while snacking, and later we went to visit a new park and had a little picnic.

Hopefully I can remember to put the wristcollar RIGHT back on!

Punishment and Being Vanilla

Twice this week I've been punished for not remembering to put my chain back on when re-entering our home. I've had cornertime as a punishment. I'm trying to work on feeling contrite and wanting to do better. It's a struggle, honestly. I feel more annoyed that I'm being punished than anything. Though, as long as it modifies my behavior, I guess the punishment is doing its job.

When I was punished, Sir handcuffed me to my collar chain and had me stand in the corner. After several minutes of this I just up and decided to sit and then lay on the floor. He didn't say that I could or couldn't. He could see me. He didn't stop me. My back and feet hurt from the massive amount of walking we had done earlier (we went to a holiday program for the public at my job and then Christmas Shopping).

He let me lay there like the pathetic puddle that I was and then had me get up. He said he just didn't want to fight me on every little thing. I guess because I was still essentially where he put me, and I couldn't get the cuffs off, his point was made.

He said he wasn't going to ask me if I was going to forget again, since we both know the answer. I do feel like I need to remember. I think part of it is 4 months of vanilla. I'm literally having to re-learn everything. Another thing is that I'm off. I'm home and I'm not usually going anywhere so I'm not getting "practice" putting it back on when entering the house. Maybe I need to make sure I leave the house everyday, even for just a little bit. It's still nice weather despite being mid-December in central Pennsylvania, so I'd have to take my chain off; can't really hide it under a winter coat. This week it was 70 degrees!

A lot of this sounds even to my own ears like excuses, and perhaps they are. Maybe I just need to get over myself. Get over feeling sorry for myself. Get over this slump of depression (though that's easier said than done). Sir and I spoke and we thought about when I first started wearing the collar in the house all the time last year. I forgot a lot back then. But over time that shifted to remembering nearly all the time. Hopefully this experience will also go this way.

Earlier this week, Sir tried to initiate sex, and I fought him. Not hard, just physical resisting. He asked me if he should stop trying, and I thought about it and finally said, "No. I think I just wanted to feel the struggle." I wanted to feel him overpower me.

We talked about it and I think its just that we've been having an awful lot of vanilla sex lately. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I want... more. I think I am ready for more. Right before he started in on me, I had asked him where our toybag was. I feel like I've been "hinting" about it. Not quite hinting, because I know that many men do not get subtlety. But making statements like that I feel like are obvious. I don't want to just come out there and tell him specifically what to use.

Some people have said that he is probably waiting to see if I'm ready for more, and that I need to show him that I am. When we talked, that's not really the thing. He just really hasn't been thinking about it lately. I guess being vanilla for months has an effect on him too.

I guess I need to work on not being punished, and following the rules, while encouraging us to get our kinky sex life back on. And he has to work on being more present, mentally. He's been having a very stressful time in his program lately, and I get that. I guess I don't want to add to his stress by being needy or pushy. I'm trying not to be as high-maintenance (attention-wise) as I usually am.

As a small victory, last night we came in from a Holiday Party for my work and and I DID remember to put my chain back on without his prompting or being punished. So, perhaps there is a light here; I can do this, it will just take time.

Some Struggles and Fears

I've been having trouble with schedule and sleeping.

Sir and I are both the type of people that naturally revert to being night-owls if we don't have day-jobs.

On the plus side, I finally received unemployment! I can actually take this break during the winter lay-off from my job without worrying about finances or looking for other work. We can work on getting us back to us. Work on healing my broken heart. Work on my headspace.

A couple of days ago, Sir and I came back in the house from picking up our Christmas cards. I started cooking and forgot to put my chain back on.

He caught me, and put it back around my neck, close to my throat.

We had dinner, watched some Doctor Who.

After, he made sure to let me know that he didn't forget.

Stripping me bare, he had me stand and get reacquainted with the corner, straddling a small waste-bin we have in the bedroom.

I tried to fight him at first. I'm not sure where the impulse came from.  I fought him from removing my clothes. He "gave up" - but not really. It was more humiliating to stand there, nude except for my socks and my tights around my ankles.

I should feel contrite. He had me stand there for... I'm not sure how long. At least a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. But I didn't feel contrite. At all. I definitely felt like I don't want to forget again, because I don't want to stand there wasting time, but I wasn't feeling bad for not remembering.

My head is not in the right place. I should feel disappointed in myself, and have an urge for doing better. I do have a small urge, but I think it's coming from the wrong place, from not wanting to be punished.. I suppose it will take time for me to get my own head back. I have different thought patterns and new fears.

Last night while I lay awake in bed I blurted out to Sir a fear that I've just been keeping in my head.

I'm afraid of him dying.

I never used to be, not really. I'd worry if I didn't hear from him or if he was out late, but it wasn't a real tangible fear.

Unlike fearing for Sir, I never really worried about my dad dying. I suppose I'm worrying about Sir because of my dad dying though. My dad seemed young; these things happen to other people. I've had deaths in my life but not like this. My uncle died when I was 11; he was about my age when he passed. But I was too young to fully process it I think. After that, I had other relatives pass; all were older though.

The first person to pass away that had a real, lasting grieving effect on me was my Nana, my dad's mother. But she was older, and was terminally ill. It wasn't a surprise or shock. And though I miss her, the pain was less. I could think about her not suffering anymore; at peace. I could think of her long life.

But this pain with my dad is different. I think about how young he was and how him and us were robbed of his future. All the things we'll miss out on. And I guess that's making me worry about losing a future with Sir.

Last night he went to a local game store to play. He gave me a call in the afternoon and said he wouldn't be home until later. This is not an uncommon occurrence. As the time got later however, I kept wondering "what if". What if he didn't come home? What if something happens?

Luckily my fears were not realized, and Sir came home to cuddle, but that didn't stop me from leaking all over his back as we spooned (I was the "big" little spoon).

I guess with time it will all get better. My headspace will improve and hopefully those fears will dissipate.

Punished - I deserved it!

So, update on earlier.

Sir was NOT late, thankfully.

AND, he got a 90% on his assessment!

I did get punished however. When I came home, after greeting him properly, he dragged me into the corner and handcuffed my hands behind my back and to his lunchbox. There I remained for what felt like a long time but was probably 20 minutes.

My attitude certainly changed after that!

I better not forget his lunch tomorrow!

Tabs

When I'm on the internet, I am what Sir calls a "tab whore". I open up a lot of tabs, and keep them open as I browse, eventually clearing them as I go along. Sometimes I don't clear them for days!

Just to give you an idea, this is a screenshot of just one of my browsers right now (I use two accounts, so I have another browser open with its own tabs, and I also use a separate browser with 16 tabs for finances and bill paying):

30 tabs, not counting the other browser windows. And sometimes, I even have more open!

My tab addiction seems to drive Sir up the wall sometimes. He says that closing out one of my tabs or even worse, forbidding me to use tabs might be a more effective punishment than cornertime!

But, I love my tabs. Sir, don't get rid of my tabs, please! Let me keep them! ::puppy dog eyes::

Attitude Adjustment

Sir and I are slowly transitioning to what our "real lives" will be like out here. I cook us dinner, we watch nerdy shows at night. We cuddle. We go shopping. All the vanilla trappings of living together.

Except... it's not quite vanilla and I love that. I wear my collar more often than not. A few times, Sir has moved my collar to the collar cabinet when I was taking a shower (and I forgot to put it back on once moved), so I've gotten more familiar with the big monster collar. I am getting more used to wearing the bigger collar more often, but I like that Sir will take it out for special occasions; to remind me of my place, or to emphasize a scene he's planned.

Sir is getting more vocal in asking me for things when we're in the house. Asking is not quite the right term, it's more like giving me a task. To look over his work, to give him a massage, to bring him a snack or drink. I like these moments to serve him, even in a small way.

Sometimes I do get grumpy. We're all human. When I get grumpy, Sir has to give me an attitude adjustment. Sometimes it means that I get smacked on the ass until I cry. Another time, he tied my arms over my head to our bedroom door, and then.... calmly brushed my hair. This weekend he forcibly pushed me through the apartment, to the kitchen where I was told to clean the entire thing in an hour. I was pouty because I had a catsuit on with shibari locking me in, and cuffs on all four limbs. I loved it at first, but after a few hours it because tiresome on my limbs, and the thought of doing all that work with such constraints made me grumpy I guess. I just wanted to lay in bed and read. Sir won out in the end, as he should, and over the hour, my attitude changed. I became more needy for his approval and to show him that I could accomplish his task in an hour. He wasn't going to check my work, but I suppose I needled him about it a bit,, and then he did. My attitude changing, I desired his approval, and it's hard to approve of my work for him if he didn't look at it!

When I was working last year a supervisor mentioned that you have to "Inspect what you expect." If you don't check to see if your expectations are being met, it seems like you are not serious about that expectation. I can see it applying here a little.

I asked Sir if he wished that I was more submissive to his desires all the time; that I never fought, or got grumpy against him, and that all my responses would always be "Yes, Sir!"

He said... sometimes. But not always. There are times when I am being a pain in his ass and he doesn't want to have to discipline me. But he admitted that life would be boring if I didn't keep him on his toes now and again. As long as I'm not pre-meditatively planning disobedience. Which I'm not.

Why in Trouble?

I had a pretty productive day. Worked (huzzah for money), took a quick walk at a park and snapped some photos, made lunch, did the dishes (piled up for 2 days now), defrosted chicken for dinner, washed, folded, and put away 2 loads of Sir's laundry, did my own laundry, reorganized the bathroom cabinet, fixed the bedroom blinds, unpacked a little bit more, put some things up for sale on Craigslist...

I was feeling pretty good with myself.

I hear Sir come in just as I'm finishing up my Craigslist ad. He turns down the radio (as he does every day).

I exclaim, "If you're going to turn it down that low, you can just turn it off!"

He comes in the room and quietly says, "Bitch, on your knees."

It's like a switch goes off in my brain. I am apprehensive, and feeling entirely in my place. But I am a little bit panicked. I am in trouble. I know this. But what for?

Apparently it was not for my comment about the radio.

It was also not for giving Sir a whole apple for lunch (I usually slice them so its easier for him).

He asks me to tell him what I packed him for lunch.

It is actually hard for me to remember, even though I got up early this morning to do it, since I didn't make time last night (we went out to a munch).

A pot pie..... pudding..... peach iced tea..... a protein bar.... What else? What else? Something is missing.

An apple! I didn't slice it though-- But he tells me that's not it either. What am I missing?

It finally dawns on me.

A fork. And a spoon. How can Sir eat his pudding without a spoon? How can he eat his pie without a fork?

I try to get myself out of trouble.

"Sir, making your lunch was never an official rule or duty. It's just something I started doing, and now do everyday."

"Your work has forks and spoons there, you told me! You said that if I forgot, it was okay because there were utensils there!"

Sir takes this into consideration as I remain kneeling. He decides that for tonights meal, I am to eat with only a fork. No knife or spoon. I may have a plate, but its more for keeping the apartment tidy than being gracious to me.

I tell him that if he wants me to not have a plate, he could make me eat off something else. Like a cutting board. Now I think that perhaps he could have made me eat from a bowl, sitting on the floor. Whether or not that included the fork would be up to him. Or just what he decides I may have, sitting below him. Our kitchen table is actually very tall, and we use barstools, so it would be and added level of power there.

But I digress. I ate dinner with just a fork. The vegetables weren't so bad. The meat was another story. I  made chicken parmigiana. I also made angel hair pasta, which was okay. But the chicken I ate tearing off bites from the big hunk I was able to get my fork into.

I am totally grateful that I was allowed a fork at all. I could have had to eat with my hands, or just using my mouth. Or not at all.

You can be sure that Sir has a fork, spoon, and knife packed for his lunch for tomorrow!

Minty Spoon

The other night, Sir had me massage some muscle rub cream on his back. He's been having a hard time with his shoulder lately. I knew it was bad because he had woken me up at 5:30 am to rub this stuff in that makes everything smell like toothpaste, but provides a tingly cold feeling to combat the pain. Sir seems to hate the smell of it, so if he's actively asking me to put it on, it must have been bad. Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend. After I gave him the massage I took a shower and got into bed to read beside him. I turned over to hug him so that I was the "big spoon". Though, he'll always be my big spoon.

Sir said that he should make me spoon him shirtless. I didn't understand why until I remembered he still had the cream all over his back. I don't know if I want to find out how that stuff would feel on my breasts and nipples! I really hate being cold, but it sounds interesting.

I can't decide if it would be a punishment or great fun!

Happily Serene

This morning as I drove to work, I had an almost overwhelming sense of joy and peace, thinking about Sir and how he dealt with me yesterday.

I did need to be reminded of my place. He chose to remind me by forcing me down over his knees as he struck me until I gave in. I tried to hold out, for quite a while, being the stubborn girl that I am (not always a good trait, especially against your Dom). I tried to get away. I tried to squirm out of his reach. I tried to take it and prove to myself that I could handle it. And through it all, he restrained me with his body, overpowered me completely, and didn't let me get away. He didn't let my tears deter him, and continued on until I gave him what he wanted.

Eventually I did, as I could do nothing else.

"Are you ready to stop whining now?"

"...Yes, Sir."

Though this spanking punishment was not fun (I normally find spanking and striking appealing, but the context and intensity of the blows changed it all), I am happy to know that Sir can and will put me in my place.

Overall, I still think that we are better as a D/s couple, meshing well together, even if my brain doesn't know how to react to certain situations.

And I'm sure tomorrow as I drive to work, I will smile thinking of him.

Vanilla Brain vs. Submissive Brain

Lately I've been having a struggle as Sir and I mesh our lives together. I find myself getting annoyed by a lot of small things that add up over time and make me really frustrated. Speaking with others, it seems that these things I'm getting annoyed with are pretty typical when couples move in together. Vanilla couples, that is.

The things that are grating on my nerves have mostly to do with basic survival and upkeep of the house. Cleaning the bathroom, budgeting, purchasing and cooking food. Planning meals. Doing laundry. Setting up a life in a new state (transferring all credentials, car titles, etc). These are things that Sir does not think about, unless I bring them to his attention. I get annoyed that I have to explain these things to a grown man (who is 5 years older than me), who has lived on his own before we moved in together. It seems that these are all things that women commonly go through with their men, but things are different for us.

My brain is at war with itself. As a submissive, it should be my service to make things easier on Sir. To do these things, and let him have more free time to do as he wishes. On the other hand, I think it would be different if Sir were aware of these things, and tasked me to do them, instead of me worrying about everything while he remains clueless.

I am trying to remain in a proper submissive headspace, but sometimes I find it difficult. I went to Maine this weekend to help a friend and I had 4 days away from Sir where I made a lot of decisions, had a lot of freedom, and had a chance to commiserate with other females about "man problems". It was good to see that it was not just us, but today I was a little bit bratty.

Sir had to put me in my place. I lost count (as did he) but I think he struck me over 200 times. He made a good point though. "You may have to show me how to do a lot of things this first year of us living together, but I will still spank  your ass when you get out of line".

I think I needed the reminder to get back into my rightful role. Submission does not come naturally to me; I am naturally a dominant and outgoing person. But I am happiest in a submissive relationship. So it's work, as any relationship is.

I think for now, we've struck a compromise. I will show Sir the things that I think are necessary in terms of running the household and daily life. He doesn't have to do them, of course, but I think it will better him as a person to have the knowledge at least. And I will do my best to be respectful about it and come from a place of wanting to help him, rather than getting frustrated of his ignorance.

Progress

Slowly.... slowly things are coming together.

Today I got finally got hired for a job around here! It's not my long term goal or dream job, but it's flexible and pays well enough that we can breathe and not feel guilty every time we do something (like eat out, or buy jam at the farmer's market... though we've really limited non-essential spending and events).

Our place is slowly coming together also. We've unpacked more boxes, hung up pictures... there's still a lot to do, but at least now it has a basic feeling of a home, rather than just a flophouse with a maze of boxes.

Sir and I are also starting to make this 24/7 thing work for us. Little everyday things that seep into your being. Like tonight, asking for a snack (though I could work on my phrasing) rather than just getting up and eating one.

It was funny. I asked Sir: what if he said "no".

He said, "Then you wouldn't be eating".

"But I'd be hungry".

He just gave me a look. Like, duh. We talked about it and I suppose it just didn't occur to me that he could leave me hungry. I mean, I am NOT starving and we had dinner. But I feel my tummy rumbling. But should he decide that I am not eating any more for the night, then I suppose that is it! He was actually nice and picked a snack for me and let me have a beverage too, as long as it wasn't soda or juice.

We're also connecting better sexually. Not that this has ever really been an issue, but this weekend we actually were able to climax simultaneously. I don't think that's ever happened for me before. It's not something we ever shoot for, because just getting me to finish is a feat in itself.

Though earlier in the week, he got me so good that if the rope wasn't holding me up, I'd probably have fallen. He had bound my arms up by pulling the rope over the door and closing it. Damn if I didn't pull half that rope through the door in passion though! Maybe next time we should secure it to the doorknob on the other side.

It's not ALL sunshine though. I did get punished on Saturday. I was becoming a bit too comfortable, teasing Sir, and not being as respectful as I should be. None of it was meant maliciously, but I can see where it wasn't appropriate. We were in Walmart and I was acting like a little kid, looking at everything, touching things, being mouthy, and Sir just wanted to get ONE bookcase and get out of there. We did end up seeing this metal spoon rest (and we needed one, so we got it). Sir said we needed two. I was confused and kept insisting that one was enough. "What are we going to do with two?" He gave me this evil look and finally I understood. I had to sprint through the store to grab another one because Sir was already in line.

For the last half of the trip, he had to hold my hand to the cart to keep me from wandering. And still I was looking at things, and touching with my other hand. I didn't realize it at the time, but it must have been frustrating for him.

When we got back, he stripped me bare,  and handcuffed me behind my back. He chained my left foot to our bed, and then just left me there. Alone. For an hour. When I asked him a question, he came in and gagged me. I don't like the gag because it makes me drool and I find it really embarrassing. The room was cold, I was uncomfortable, drooling, and embarrassed. And worst of all, Sir was ignoring me. I could hear him in the living room unpacking boxes. He would come in periodically, to get something, and I really felt his absence.

Eventually he decided my punishment was over, and we made up.

I am making an effort to be more mindful of my phrasing, and respect.

Here's to progress!

First Munch and Wearing the Big Collar to Bed

Yesterday, Sir and I went to our very first munch. Ever.

Though I didn't think we showed it outwardly, this was a pretty big deal.

We've been together for about 3 and a half years now, doing this thing we do, and we've never really stepped out of our bubble and into the larger community. We've gone to GKE once, and Wicked Faire. Other than those two events, that's it. Even going to those events (where there are tons of people, you can blend into the crowd, and have another non-kink related reason to be there) was nervewracking. In my head its like, "OMG, we're going public!".

I just need to cool my jets.

When we moved here, I started moving all my online stuff over to PA from New Jersey. This included Fetlife. I found there were several groups in the area, and joined one. The leaders there were very nice and welcoming, and I got on their mailing lists for munches. Sir and I were just not ready to attend the first one we saw, but this week we decided to go.

It was at a place ten minutes from our house, and everyone was super nice. We weren't the only newbies either, which was a relief.

It was admittedly awkward in the beginning. I didn't know how to locate the group, since I didn't know anyone. Once we got pointed in the right direction, it was a little bit hard to open up. We were still in the car on the way when Sir and I joked, "Commence social awkwardness NOW!" The couple next to us seemed pretty into themselves, and it was a little hard to make conversation with them. After a while, more people showed up, food came (hooray!) and it was less awkward to talk and open up.

The leaders mentioned some play parties coming up. Sir and I don't really think we're ready for that yet. Everyone is still pretty new to us, and we've never done something like that before. As I said when one gentleman asked me if I'd ever been to the New York Clubs and the scene down there, "It's just been me and him for the past 3 years."

We think it may be a possibility in the future, especially just to socialize and observe things. We're not really into playing with other people. An exception would be learning a specific skill. Then it's a learning experience and with the right kind of set-up and consent, it could be okay. It also might be good to experience equipment we might not have. I think before we really think about attending, we should talk about what constitutes "play" for us, and what types of kinky behaviors might be acceptable with others - for example, is it okay if I'm in a cage with another submissive woman, assuming we're both dressed? I tend to think yes, but wonder what Sir's thoughts are.

For now, we think we'll just be attending munches when we can. It's a good way to get to know the area and meet like minded people. It's also nice to be able to crack kinky jokes (that are appreciated!), and not have to hide our D/s idiosyncrasies when eating out. For example, I don't order for myself. Sir decided I couldn't have dessert. (I joked that it was because I ate the last pop-tart on him the other day). Instead of having to say its because I'm watching my sweets, we were just truthful. He's being an evil bastard. He thought it was funny because he didn't have to torture me, everyone else around was talking enough about sweets and what they were getting to do it for him, haha.

When we got home, I forgot to put my collar on right away. We got in, I made Sir lunch for tomorrow, and he was lingering around, so I got super affectionate. I didn't realize he was waiting for me to put the collar on! I recently made an actual special location for it, and I supposed that contributed to my not putting it on right away. Before, I would keep it on the nightstand. So when I got into the bedroom, I was looking for it, when I heard Sir jingling something. He comes in with the Big Monster Collar, annoyed that I didn't remember to collar myself upon returning home. He made me sleep with it all night, just like he promised.

Ugh.

The other day he laughed because I said that it wasn't that bad. I lied. Sleeping with it is awful. It's so uncomfortable. It digs into my neck no matter what position I'm in. And it gets plastered there. I woke up at 5 am crazy hot, drinking Gatorade and opening the windows. I'm usually always cold!

Sir was nice and said I could take it off at 8 am, and switch to the comfy collar. He was nice because I always come up with worse things than him. I suggested taking it off only when I was going to run errands for the day, and before I left the house, the big one would be on.

I had to literally peel it off this morning. I hope this is enough of a reminder to put my collar on immediately! I think having a specific location  that I'm keeping it will help.

Kneeling as a Greeting and Corner Time

One of my tasks last week was to obtain all the power strips we'd need for the house and install them. I had two unused ones in a box, which I installed, and I purchased three more. I came back and plugged them into all the outlets that would make the most sense, use-wise.

I felt like I did a good job, and that Sir would approve.

My other task for the day was to be waiting for him, kneeling near the front door for his arrival.

That was definitely an experience. I didn't know exactly what time he would be coming home, so every time I heard a car come down our street I got excited. Around the time he normally comes home, I arranged myself by the door, kneeling for him. About 15 minutes later, he texts me to let me know that he hasn't left work yet. He didn't state that I had to continue kneeling so I took a break.

That quiet time sitting there kneeling really put me in a good headspace. It was soothing and contemplative. My thoughts were focused on Sir and how to be pleasing for him. Where and how to arrange my hands. How to splay my legs. The arrangement of my face and eyes downward.

It was thrilling to try and time his arrival back with my kneeling. Every time I thought it was him sent a jolt of electricity through me as I rushed to kneel at the door. I saw what I thought was his car pull up, and rushed to kneel and arrange myself. After 5 minutes, I was wondering what was taking so long... if he was okay. I got up to check the window, and the car wasn't his! Then I see his actual car pull up, and I again rush to display myself appropriately. I could feel my heart fluttering in my chest as he turned the lock in our door. It was interesting to only see his dress shoes and slacks walk right by me into the kitchen. I was expecting to be addressed immediately, but I think it was good that he did not. It gave me a moment to refocus myself and not wait for praise. To focus on the submissive act of kneeling. He came towards me and had me rise.

Then he wanted to know how I did on the other task of the day. He made an event of having me show him every power strip that I had installed for him, and what was plugged into each. I had strips for each side of our bed, with our lamps and chargers etc in them. I had one under my desk for the laptop etc. He already had one for his computer equipment. I put one in the kitchen for the microwave and countertop appliances. Another in the living room near the couch for where we will eventually have end tables and lamps. And finally, one near our electronics. I had plugged in the cable modem and router, as they were already plugged into the wall.

But...

I forgot to plug in the TV and the X-Box! So, it wasn't a proper and full installation, according to Sir.

I tried to wheedle my way out of trouble.

"But, I only plugged in the router and modem because the TV and X-box weren't being used."

"But, the note says that: today I will... today is not over yet!"

Sir wasn't having any of that. He grabbed my by the collar and dragged me into the bedroom. He placed me facing the wall just behind the door, where I had to remain for ten minutes (5 minutes for each of the items that were missing from being installed).

Ten minutes is not a lot of corner time; he was being lenient. And I haven't been actually punished for anything in ages.

But, he and I were both still reveling in it. He likes to do things just to be evil sometimes. I'm half wondering if he was just going to find something wrong with my installation just so he could remind me of my place.

It was hard to keep my focus during the ten minutes; usually when I fail at a task I feel truly contrite and think of how to be better in the future. But because he specifically said he just wanted to be evil, it was a bit harder.

Though I don't enjoy corner time, I think it was a good decision overall, just to remind me whose submissive bitch I am!

Back in my Place

Sometimes I wonder if I should keep my mouth shut...probably not though.

Sir read my blog yesterday and decided that even though I put my collar back on, I still forgot even for a just little while, so out came the big collar. I call it the giant monster collar, but it's not that huge. And it's not that bad... it's just uncomfortable to sleep in.

He was nice in that he said that because I remembered and tried to do the right thing, he wouldn't make me sleep with it. I was grateful for that. I still reveled in calling him a big evil meanie, though I think he likes that.

From the moment he walked in the door yesterday, Sir says he was working on me. And that's true. The minute he walked in, he grabbed me out of the chair by my shirt and pulled me to him, claiming my mouth. He held me there for a long time, and I was enjoying knowing that the kiss would end when he decided it would, not when I pull away. He just tightened his hold on me.

He was disappointed a little bit in me because I was admittedly very lazy. I didn't do anything around the house. I was still in PJs when he got home. I don't know what that was about.

After I made dinner he handcuffed me to my computer desk! I think he now loves the bars that are all along this desk!

After a while, he undid the cuffs, grabbed me by the collar and dragged me into the bedroom.He redid the cuffs behind my back, pushed me onto the bed and got "the bag". The bag where we keep all our fun stuff. He pulled literally everything out of the bag, Flinging it on the bed, making comments about their uses. He seemed... more stern than normal.

When he got to the blindfold, that went over my eyes. We don't usually use it. I could hear him still going through the bag, sorting items, throwing them on the bed. I felt something graze my nipple, a clamp was my guess. Without further warning it went on.

God. Apparently it was a lot for me to take, not being warmed up, or maybe I am just extra sensitive this week (PMS week). It HURT. I screamed, and started crying. I thought Sir was just going to leave me there like that, and I wouldn't have minded. It hurt, and I was crying, but I was otherwise okay. I was wondering how long it would take for the pain to fade when I felt relief and his warm hands around me, holding me while I cried.

Sir was surprised by my reaction and said that I've never screamed like that, even when he's been beating me. and he says that he's used that clamp before... go figure. I guess I should be happy that his first instinct is my well being and to soothe. And I am happy that I have a gentle Sir. I suppose I just wanted him to know that if it was his prerogative for me to take it, I would have; that he didn't have to worry that it was harming me too much.

Sir tied my hands behind my back, and then took the handcuffs off. He said that he liked the handcuffs because they keep my hands exactly where he wants them when he's tying behind my back. I felt him go for my nipples again, and there was pressure, but compared to the other clamp, it was like a kiss of pressure. He had used two chopsticks bound on either side with clothespins.

He dragged me into the office then, and had me kneel at his side while he sat by the computer. He removed my blindfold and I sat receiving head scratches as he brought up video clips for us to watch. I've expressed an interest in the past on what types of porn he likes, so he decided for us to watch some together. It's hard to keep myself from commenting on weird caveman like faces and grunting, but I liked the experience. After a while, Sir dragged me back to the bedroom. By this point, my shoulders and upper arms were aching. Sir could tell, because I was wiggling a lot. He asked me what incentive he should have that he should untie my hands. I gave several answers before he accepted "You could use the chain to bind my hands to my collar, if my hands weren't behind my back.... and I could clean the bed instead of you!". He rejected my putting my hands on him, because apparently I can do that with them behind my back (which he proved), and giving him a massage because he wasn't interested, and a few other things that I forget. He generously undid the rope, and let me clean the bed, smacking my ass when I wasn't fast enough.

When I was done, he asked me if I was sure. He had such a tone. I thought he had deviously hid something extra in the bed and that I was going to get in trouble if I didn't find it and clean it. I tore that bed apart two times before I said that I thought it was clean. I was right; he didn't hide anything, he was just screwing with me! Evil Sir.

Sir took the spreader bars out and placed them on the bed. The feeling of glee I got inside was just unsurpressable... I think I went into subspace right then. I *really* like the spreader bars. Sir said I kept calling them my friends. I think I knew I was getting spacy when the patterns on the ceiling became very interesting. Sir attached a smaller bar to my collar, and then chained my hands to the bottom of the bar. He took the biggest bar and chained my legs to each one. There's something about being so open that puts me in the right headspace. I feel very vulnerable being exposed, and have insecurities about being spread like that. It gives me anxiety and a bit of embarrassment. Somehow my head translates that into sexy fun times. I was wondering if Sir was going to reclamp my nipples now that I was in better head space, but he did not. I wonder if it would have felt different; if I could take it now.

Sir did a number on my nipples with his mouth, and after deciding I'd had enough, he took me. It was just... amazing. I couldn't get enough, and Sir says he knows when I am really into it because I get mega vocal and squirmy and my hands typically fly to my face. I guess hes right. Everything just felt amped up, and it was a long time before I felt like I could physically move. Sir had me cuddle by him, still bound. It was funny trying to turn over with the bar splaying my legs.

This morning, I woke up and Sir left me another note on the kitchen table! The joy and excitement seeing that note on the table... I just wanted to jump up and down with happy. Between yesterday and today, he's really given me some motivation to get my ass moving. I have about two hours before I leave for the doctor, so I better get cracking on his list!

Starting Clean

Sir is giving it a shot to get us back on track; D/s wise. I have my doubts, but I will always give us a shot.

I've been thinking about my role in keeping us on track as well. It can't be all on him. But, I do have to trust that he will not become apathetic in putting me in my place when I get out of line. And I will get out of line - whether from becoming busy, not making time, forgetting myself, being cranky... what have you. It happens to everybody.

It can be an easy thing to say to oneself that you will just listen all the time, and not forget yourself, and be on task. But it's not that easy. Yet... things that are worth doing are usually difficult; it makes it worth the doing.

Things have gotten busy. I went from working every weekend, to transitioning to a one weekend per month deal. Until that takes effect in a few weeks, I'm still working weekends, and I have to train the new person to hire me. My full time job has just... exploded in terms of tasks, responsibility and tensions. I gave up my volunteer position, too.  I'm also moving. I get the keys tomorrow, and have until Oct 31st to be out of my current place. But hopefully with all these changes I'll have more time to myself, and more importantly, more time for Sir and I to be together.

Sir tried to surprise me with passes to the Geeky Kink Event. However, due to the privacy protections they have (which is a good thing), he couldn't get me tickets without my consent. Still, it was a very nice gesture. I'm actually nervous about attending, but excited too.

Lately, our D/s side of things have been random instances when we're together. Nothing with a regular schedule. But I still relish the irregular - I'd rather have those random times to cherish than be vanilla altogether. Maybe we'll get our shit together this time. I've found that yes, I CAN be vanilla... but I don't want to be. I'm not as happy. And I find a dissonance in our relationship when we're totally vanilla. I love Sir, and I do love our vanilla sides, but I don't think we can be only that. I have a hard time in a relationship where someone can't/doesn't put me in my place. I'm happier and I have more respect for my partner when they're in control; making decisions in our best interest, having me serve him, making me do the things that are best for me, even if I don't like it. Some small part of me still does, inside.

In that vein, I have given Sir all that I've owed him up to this point, punishment wise. It was valuable to help me feel like we are wiping the slate clean. I had to help him engineer my punishment:

That's 120-grit sandpaper that we duct taped to the inside of my shirt. And then, of course I had to turn my shirt right-side-out. For over 2 hours, while we just did mundane things. And he made sure to tickle me now and again so I'd be wiggling more.

The sandpaper wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't something I enjoyed. But the duct tape - that was awful. It stuck everywhere, and pulled. Ugh. We went through 2 other trials before engineering this solution to accomplish his desire. I finally had to ask him what exactly he wanted, physically, so I could assist him. At first the sandpaper was duct taped directly to my body - but that wouldn't allow for much movement. Pulling that tape off was awful - much worse than the sand paper. Then he put it inside my bra - but the same issue with lack of movement wasn't allowing for his desired effect. He got what he wanted by having the sandpaper inside my t-shirt, but the tape still stuck everywhere.

At least I feel like I've given him what he was owed. We can start fresh. He also likes it when I have a hand in my own punishments. It is my nature to speak up, even if it's to my detriment.

Today he bound me and forced me to take a nap. He's right - I don't relax enough. And there are far worse things he could have me bound for than napping in his bed, cuddled up with his scent all around me.

Earning, Marks, Punishments

Sir has been much more rigid with me lately... and I need it. I've been slipping, and I need his guidance and control more than ever. I can see him working hard to be the man I need him to be. I've been overwhelmed with work and my home life, and as a result, I've not posted when I should, and I missed a few bedtimes (that I owned up to). In the past, he'd not notice things like that, but he's been more observant, and checks up more.

I now have to send him a photo of my bed (that must be in sleeping shape) every night. I've been lax with that also (though my bed has been kept in shape) He also got me a giant phonebook, and told me to purchase a notebook. I have to copy from that phonebook when I'm being punished. I did 40 minutes today for a myriad of things, and let me tell you, it sucked. Being on the floor in my restrictive collar doing lines really did a number on me. We'll see how it goes for the future.

In the spirit of earning things, I am not permitted furniture in his home until I have earned it. Last night I slept on the floor. He was nice enough to get me an air mattress because of my awful back, but it was bad enough to be 3 feet from him, but alone. I have to earn sleeping in a bed, or using the couch (I sit on the floor). I'm not sure what I have to do to earn it, however. When we were in Pennsylvania, I was particularly and immediately attentive to his needs (drawing his bath, getting his food, giving him a massage, etc. coming in after a long day) and I earned the bed because of it.

Sir also decided that he wants to mark me...permanently. Not permanent now, but in the future. He had an idea that I could earn a piece of his mark, and eventually over the course of time it would be complete. Then he wanted it tattooed on me. I don't mind the idea of the mark, but I do not like the idea of it getting tattooed. At all. I know its not until the future, but it makes me really anxious. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know what it takes to earn it (though I earned one line of it thus far). I don't like the position of it, were it to be tattooed (my left breast). Tattoos are art, and what if I don't like the art? I'm one that is usually very anti-significant other tattoos. This wouldn't be an issue for quite some time, but I'm still nervous about it.

In the meantime, Sir also presented me with the lovely leather bracelet pictured above. It is to serve as my mini collar, that way I have a reminder of who I am, always. I love the idea behind it, but it does take getting used to. I have to remove it to shower, wash my hands, etc. Sometimes, I forget to put it back on after I do so, which is a big no-no. It can also get stuck to my skin when I'm working outside in 90 degree weather. I'm also always looking at it like it's a watch, or grasping at it to use as a scrunchie, and it's neither of those things. I think in a few weeks we'll see how used to it I am.

Back to the floor for me. Sir allowed me to sit in this wooden chair so I could reach the keyboard to post, but he made sure my ass was smarting before he let me sit down!

I've had an extremely trying day at work with snotty complaining kids, multiple injuries and non-stop trips to the bathroom. Its now 9:45, I just got in after being locked out because some genius in my house put an extremely heavy bag on the inside of the doorknob so the key wouldn't turn the lock. So I had to climb into my bedroom window to get in here. I broke my curtain doing it. I was going to drink a glass of wine and relax, but guess what - the wine bottle opener has mysteriously disappeared too.

I'm supposed to write something meaningful here as a punishment for not writing on Sunday, but in the mood I'm in, I really can't be arsed. I don't feel like it, I don't even want to be doing this right now, and I kinda don't give a shit if I get punished. I want to say something snarky like "Well, I'd probably not even be punished anyway since I get away with EVERYTHING," but that would definitely get me punished. And I might get punished for writing that even with the setup, but I honestly don't give a fuck right now.

Not Feeling It

Lately I’ve been lacking in my submissive duties. I just don’t feel very submissive. Sir and I aren’t getting ANY alone time – we’re always with other people or at a social event. I’ve let things slide, and I know my mindset is way off. I’ve been craving a firmer hand.

I need him to keep me in line. I know that I’m not where I should be, but I also have no desire to straighten myself out – making sure I get to bed on time (even if I have a really good reason not to), making sure I update this journal on time, addressing sir properly. Even just the way I interact with him. I’ve been cranky and bossy. I’ve been half-assed in our conversations.

I missed posting last night. We both knew I would. I was at his house too late, and I had to drive home and I wouldn’t have even been home on time for bed, let alone to post. He almost took my excuses and let me get away with it. Almost. But I could have posted earlier in the week. Sir lets me slide way too much. I suppose I should curb my excuse giving, but they’re in my head anyway and he wants to know what I’m thinking. So I am hoping that he’ll develop a stronger will when it comes to me so he can have a firmer hand. He needs to hold me to a higher standard if I am to hold myself to his standards.

Consequently, I am to write a post here this night and for the following three nights. Friday I have to travel to Connecticut for a weekend meeting, so he’s not holding me to that, as that’s out of my control.

I’m hoping that we can keep up or rekindle our D/s side of things, as I am craving it. I was slightly out of line yesterday at a party, and very subtly he put his hand in my hair and tugged. No one knew, no one saw anything, but it thrilled me. It gave me the right headspace, and it was the jolt that I needed to get back on track. I need more of that. Hopefully these assignments will help.

Punishments and Progress

I think I managed to finish my punishment assignment to Sir’s satisfaction. A 5 page, single spaced paper, MLA style except for the single spacing, on the benefits of sleep. I did research on Friday Night, and started writing after work yesterday. I tried to start earlier, but seriously, my life needs to relax a little bit. There’s always something going on. I finished it a little bit after midnight (he said I could stay up to finish it; I was barely on page 5 at 11:57. I proofread it quickly, but I didn’t edit it too much, so he really received the rough rough draft. If he wants me to improve it, I will. It’s a bit odd however. I told Sir yesterday that although writing this paper wasn’t on my top list of favorite things to do, it probably won’t stop me from being late again. I feel horrible thinking this. I did enjoy writing it a little bit; I haven’t written something like that in a long while; I’ve been out of school for a few years now. But it was time consuming and I’d rather have just assimilated the information and left it at that. Why isn’t this enough to make me feel like I won’t be late to bed again? Perhaps I’m just a realist. It seems disrespectful to say that so blatantly to Sir – aren’t I supposed to be contrite? But he does value my honesty to him above all else, so I’m honoring that as well.

Sometimes I think about sharing my written tasks here, but then I feel shy. I’m a harsh critic on myself and the thought of my work not being up to par, and being up for public scrutiny makes me anxious. On the other hand, after working so hard to write something, I almost want to share it because it’s a labor of love. A few assignments I’ve been given included compiling a list of Anime’s for Sir and I to watch together, and a list of SS/HG fanfics that I like to read. Then there was the response to the video he sent. He’s given me smaller tasks, like looking something up and sending it to him. I like having these tasks.

Today is Mother’s Day. I’m currently waiting for my pumpkin pie to finish baking. (Seriously, bake already, I’m laaaate and you’ve been in the oven FOREVER). I’ll be picking up my mother and swinging by my grandmother’s place. I’m excited to see them, and I’m also excited to drop off a big bag of clothes (pants) that my mother asked for. A couple of months ago she mentioned that she needed “new” clothes, and as I have to rid myself of so many pants that I cannot wear, this is a wonderful way to help her out, and re-align my wardrobe to Sir’s liking. Its too hard not to wear pants sometimes if they’re right THERE. I haven’t bought any new pants since we started to change my mode of dress, so that’s something, but I just couldn’t bring myself to throw away perfectly wearable pants. Now they’ll have a home.

I’ll be honest and say that not EVERY pair of pants I own is in the bag. I have a couple for work, and a few that I just couldn’t bear the thought of parting with yet. It’s an oddly emotional thing to rid yourself of items that become personal to you. It really changes your head and who you are. I will be the girl who always wears dresses and skirts. Even if people don’t think of it that way; or in those words, people do categorize others, even subconsciously. Growing up, I was the tomboy who always wore her younger brother’s things. Outward appearance does play a role in what people think of you and your personality. Change is hard.

But I’m looking forward to it!