Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Punishment and Being Vanilla

Twice this week I've been punished for not remembering to put my chain back on when re-entering our home. I've had cornertime as a punishment. I'm trying to work on feeling contrite and wanting to do better. It's a struggle, honestly. I feel more annoyed that I'm being punished than anything. Though, as long as it modifies my behavior, I guess the punishment is doing its job.

When I was punished, Sir handcuffed me to my collar chain and had me stand in the corner. After several minutes of this I just up and decided to sit and then lay on the floor. He didn't say that I could or couldn't. He could see me. He didn't stop me. My back and feet hurt from the massive amount of walking we had done earlier (we went to a holiday program for the public at my job and then Christmas Shopping).

He let me lay there like the pathetic puddle that I was and then had me get up. He said he just didn't want to fight me on every little thing. I guess because I was still essentially where he put me, and I couldn't get the cuffs off, his point was made.

He said he wasn't going to ask me if I was going to forget again, since we both know the answer. I do feel like I need to remember. I think part of it is 4 months of vanilla. I'm literally having to re-learn everything. Another thing is that I'm off. I'm home and I'm not usually going anywhere so I'm not getting "practice" putting it back on when entering the house. Maybe I need to make sure I leave the house everyday, even for just a little bit. It's still nice weather despite being mid-December in central Pennsylvania, so I'd have to take my chain off; can't really hide it under a winter coat. This week it was 70 degrees!

A lot of this sounds even to my own ears like excuses, and perhaps they are. Maybe I just need to get over myself. Get over feeling sorry for myself. Get over this slump of depression (though that's easier said than done). Sir and I spoke and we thought about when I first started wearing the collar in the house all the time last year. I forgot a lot back then. But over time that shifted to remembering nearly all the time. Hopefully this experience will also go this way.

Earlier this week, Sir tried to initiate sex, and I fought him. Not hard, just physical resisting. He asked me if he should stop trying, and I thought about it and finally said, "No. I think I just wanted to feel the struggle." I wanted to feel him overpower me.

We talked about it and I think its just that we've been having an awful lot of vanilla sex lately. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I want... more. I think I am ready for more. Right before he started in on me, I had asked him where our toybag was. I feel like I've been "hinting" about it. Not quite hinting, because I know that many men do not get subtlety. But making statements like that I feel like are obvious. I don't want to just come out there and tell him specifically what to use.

Some people have said that he is probably waiting to see if I'm ready for more, and that I need to show him that I am. When we talked, that's not really the thing. He just really hasn't been thinking about it lately. I guess being vanilla for months has an effect on him too.

I guess I need to work on not being punished, and following the rules, while encouraging us to get our kinky sex life back on. And he has to work on being more present, mentally. He's been having a very stressful time in his program lately, and I get that. I guess I don't want to add to his stress by being needy or pushy. I'm trying not to be as high-maintenance (attention-wise) as I usually am.

As a small victory, last night we came in from a Holiday Party for my work and and I DID remember to put my chain back on without his prompting or being punished. So, perhaps there is a light here; I can do this, it will just take time.

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