Friday, December 18, 2015

An Epiphany

Unplanned struggling again last night. He bound my arms and attached them to my chain.

Then he goes to put his fingers on/in me.

I hate that. I have a really hard time with receiving fingering/oral. Some kind of embarrassment about my vagina I guess. So I struggled. Not well with my hands kept around my neck.

He won, of course. But before he did he was a bit exasperated.

Him: "What am I going to do with you? I just don't know what to do with you."

Me: "... I think that's the problem."

I shouldn't fight so much. I know this. I don't plan on it. I don't sit there and say to myself, at 11:47 pm I am going to make his life difficult. It's just been hard for me to accept and let go. How can I sit here and say I want more, but then resist? I don't even understand myself I guess. But I suppose I need him to put me in my place. Fight for what he wants. Show me he means business, I guess?

I do serve him in other ways, and I suppose I need to remind myself that it's not all failures. Even though I feel grey in a colorful world, we're doing okay. I've been home since my job is on winter hiatus. I've been slowly cleaning the house and getting it back in order for us since I'd done nothing in the 4 months since my dad passed. I decorated for the holidays. I finished organizing the office and my little nook. I've helped him study for his exams, drilling him with flashcards. Brought him tea and baked him cookies when he's studying. Got up in the dark with him every morning to make him breakfast and prepare his lunch for the day (and then go back to sleep). Picked out and purchased Christmas gifts for his family. Sent Christmas cards to his extended family from him.

Maybe the issue isn't what we are or aren't doing, but more how I feel. Or don't feel. I know the healing process takes time, but it's hard when you're so entrenched in it to be able to see the other side.


  1. Time... In time... That is what i keep telling myself and we have also had to change our dynamic, but everyone deals with this grief thing differently... Sigh... Continue your growth and continue pushing forward in strength and you should come out the other side... At least that is what people tell me... Lol

    1. I try to be patient because I know that things take time to fix... it can be hard sometimes. Its really just in my head. We're fine but my brain and heart are broken and it will take time to heal. I need to remember that when I feel like everything is crumbling, when its really not. I need to remember how wonderful Sir has been and is being through everything.

      I hope you get through your grief as well. It looks like you have a great support group there.

  2. "Even though I feel grey in a colorful world...". And your last line- both so achingly familiar. It is like treading water upriver when your grieving. Although I am looking forward to reading through your blog and getting to know you and your Sir a bit, I sincerely wish you the strength to allow others in.
    XOXO Pearl

    1. Thank you, Pearl.

      I do allow others in a bit. Sir knows pretty much everything about me. When it comes to the kinky side of things; I don't let too many people in, that's a harder thing to do. But I do have vanilla friends to talk to; they're just far away (several states) so I can feel really alone sometimes.

      I'm hoping that by March I will have made some kind of progress, at least in my own head.

  3. One of the lessons that I have to keep learning over and over again (because I suck so badly at it) is to do things for me, rather than to do things for my wife. In other words, I worry far too much about what Joy thinks and desires rather than simply remembering that I am the Dominant, and I will take her and use her when I want, as much as I want, and however I want.

    Assuming this attitude and acting on it is what Joy really desires, I know--that's a large part of the thrill of being a submissive for her--but I have a really hard time accepting this as fact. A certain amount of worry about one's partner's feelings is important, but when it gets in the way of the "D" in D/s, it's a problem.

    I wonder if that's what your Sir is struggling with as well, Lea. The line in your earlier post when he started to initiate sex and then had to ask if he should stop when you passively resisted sounded extremely familiar. Perhaps he falls into the same trap that I do and places your desires ahead of his...which is, in a way, the antithesis of Dominance.

    Unfortunately I know of no easy solution for this issue--like I said, I deal with it myself all the time. But if this is indeed the issue, then understanding it has to help at least a little, doesn't it?

    Anyway, all the best to you both.

    1. I'm not quite sure. I think sometimes he doesn't want to "force" me, even if I want to be coerced, etc. I don't think rape is quite his thing and I think he feels rapey about it. But I have a safeword and I'd use it if I felt something was going there.

      Writing here helps him too. We talk often, all the time really since it's just me and him here but sometimes I can articulate things more clearly here than in the spur of the moment, face to face.

  4. I really enjoy your blog. You articulate your struggles in a palpable way. As a Dom, I read the blogs of other subs to aid in understanding my own.

    I haven't read enough of your blog to know your age, but I assume you are quite young. My wife and I are in our 50's and have been D/s for a long time (although we did not start out that way). By now, we know what we want from our D/s relationship.

    And the thing is, D/s relationships are not formulaic. Each one is different based on the needs of the couple in it. It took my wife and me several years to understand what we need to the extent we do now.

    I will disagree with Jake, who commented earlier today, that being a Dom is not about acting out of the Dom's self-interest. In fact it's quite the opposite. In my opinion, good Doms study their subs and put their subs' best interests over their own. It may be that what Jake's wife needs is for Jake to act selfishly, such as taking her when he wants her. But if that's the case, Jake is acting out of his wife's needs, which in his case may not exactly match his own based on his comments. Some subs need to be used in this fashion, but that is highly variable.

    I told my wife this morning to clean the kitchen. The word "clean" for her requires a high degree of perfection, so this task took time. She got up late to get started on it for only partly good reasons. Just before I left for the day, I told her that I was grumpy about starting late since that is a violation of the rule that when I give her a start time on a task, she has to start on or before that time. While I was gone, she texted to me photos of the kitchen perfectly cleaned just a few minutes after her deadline. She told me that she was exhausted from cleaning so fast. But when I told her that I was no longer grumpy because she got the job done pretty close to the deadline, she expressed a lot of pleasure from that news. For my wife, my opinion of what she is doing is highly important to her. I know this, and so reward her with expressions of how I feel rather than direct comments about what she has done. I know this from lots of study of her over the years.

    So for you, may I suggest that you try two things: (1) Be mindful of your feelings about what you enjoy about your Dom and what you do not. There should be absolutely no guilt for not enjoying something. Trust your feelings and don't second guess them. They are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that no matter what those feelings are. Will they change? Of course, especially if you are young. Will your feelings even change moment-to-moment? Yes. I believe most subs have that experience whereas most Doms are more steady in their feelings. My wife's variable feelings has been one of the largest challenges I have had as a Dom. If you don't like the way your Dom is having sex with you, then you don't like that. You need not second guess that or feel guilty about that. It is who you are, at least at that moment.

  5. Adding to my last comment . . .

    Second, tell your Dom how you feel. If he is to study you and learn how to take care of you, then he needs unfiltered and complete information about you, especially your feelings. It is okay to say that you did not like the way that he handled you in bed. You must do so respectfully, of course. Also, I suggest that you carefully distinguish between telling him how you feel and telling him what to do. My wife is almost never allowed to use the imperative voice ("Do this") or even to phrase something in a way that betrays an expectation that I will do something ("I suggest that you do this") or ("Will you please do this" in a tone that betrays an expectation) or even ("This needs to be done" if the expectation is that I will do that thing). She can ask me honestly. But more importantly, she can tell me how she feels ("I am feeling stress because this needs to be done") so long as she has the mindset that the choice of whether to do that thing is mine. The choice on what to do is mine. But I need the information about her to make the right choices. I've gotten pretty good at reading her emotions. But I still need her verbal expressions of feelings.

    Dominance is about making the decisions. Submission is about accepting the decisions. But communication is key to both. If he cares about you, studies you, inquires about how you feel, listens carefully, experiments, and is patient in the face of failure, he will figure it out. All he needs from you is your submission and your communication.

    1. Thank you, Anon.

      Sir and I do talk, and often. I think sometimes it's hard for me to accurately portray my feelings in the spur of the moment. He reads here and I think it helps him.

      I suppose I'm young, though I often don't feel it. I'm in my early 30's; he's in his late 30's. There's a 5 year age gap between us.

      I think my big struggle right now is that before my dad passed away, things were really working for us. We had finally gotten to a place where we were in sync and it was so good. So I think in our heads we have what that looks like, for us. And we want that back. It's not so much that I'm holding to someone else's ideal of BDSM or what I feel like we "should" be doing. I'm more holding on to what we already had. I want that back. He wants that back. But my heart some days is just not... capable. I grieve and am sunk in depression. Every day isn't awful, but the bad ones just suck all the life out of me sometimes, and it takes days to climb back up to normal.


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