Would You Break Up With Me If...

The other night as Sir and I were laying in bed he asked me:

"Would you break up with me if I quit my job?"

He said that he had no intent on actually quitting his job, but he was curious on my answer.

I know he is not thrilled about his job right now. He feels that he has taken a step back, career wise. He is not really using the training he went to school for. He is actually doing less of a level of work than before he went to school. There is a lot of down time, and he is bored. On top of that, he is having trouble handling the long commute. And it has been tricky for us to spend time together, as he is getting home, and I basically need to go to bed an hour later. I understand that him not being satisfied with his career will be a long term problem. We've talked about him staying there until he finds something else.

So, my reply to him was ultimately, "It depends... why did you quit?"

If he was quitting because of a hostile work environment, okay. If someone was being abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually, okay. I can understand that.

But quitting because you don't like it?

I don't think I could handle that. I've supported us by myself for two years. For over half of that time, I had a job that not only did I not like, I downright hated. I cried after work regularly. And I couldn't quit. Sir had even said he wanted me to (though he realized that it was unrealistic). But I couldn't, because who would actually take care of us? I had to just ride it out until I got lucky enough to find something I love. And it was luck. I could easily still be doing that other job that was slowly sucking out my soul.

So, if he did quit because he just didn't like the job, I don't think I would end our relationship immediately. But I could definitely see it causing an eventual break-up. I would see it as him not being willing to put in equal effort for the household. To take me for granted and continue to just allow me to do everything, which is getting REALLY old before he even got this job. (If he is gonna be the home person, there are different expectations).

Part of me worries that him not liking his job would do really bad things for his mental state though... and then I wonder, would it be okay then? Well, of course if it means he'd deteriorate to a level where he'd harm himself - don't stay. But selfishly, I wonder if I could be with a partner where that is a real issue all the time. We've had a scare like that last year and it was fucking terrifying. Part of me feels like a horrible person for admitting that, but it is the truth. Mental illness runs in my family, and I don't know if that is a life I would really want for myself. Sir has been more or less good for over 6  years now, though, so it is probably a non-issue.

I think my main concern is I need and wish for Sir to be a strong person. Not every instant of every day of course, but in general. And if he can't handle staying at this job, like he couldn't get through school, or get things done while having unlimited free time as the home person... this is definitely going to be an issue with me.

Right now, I have good days and bad days in the way I feel about our relationship and our future. I think this is normal. Sir found a job. It is a well paying job with benefits. Him working there means he can have health insurance (which he needs, more than I do). It means we have a decent income. We can pay down our debts. We can live a little more comfortably. We can save for a future - a wedding, a house, a marriage. It affords us lots of stability in more ways than one. Him asking me a question like that makes me worry about him and his mental state, however.

It is a big transition and change for Sir, and he doesn't handle change well. He is having a hard time dealing with the commute. While I do commiserate, as I definitely get having a long shitty commute, part of me just wants to laugh. Suck it up, buttercup. My commute is STILL longer than yours. On the other hand, I think it took me a full year to get the hang of it. I'm only sort of able to handle life now. But I'm doing it, somehow.

Hang in there, baby? It gets better?

So, I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I'm not sure how to sort them all out. I even fear putting this out there for Sir to read, since I think it might play on his insecurities more than helping him. But he wants to know how I feel, even if I have lots of feelings and some of those feelings make me feel like a bad person.

---

Update: We had a long talk, and it helped. A lot. He had no idea that what was to him, a simple random question had such significance for me. It prompted a talk on those issues, and a lot of other things in our relationship that I was feeling dissatisfied with - maybe all of those things snowballed and are causing me to be a bit sensitive lately.

7/10/15

I'm not quite sure what I should say here, but saying something has been on my mind for a while.

I know I've sort of disappeared here. I am still here. I am still ticking. But I'm not really okay.

I went back and re-read my last post. Where I went to my uncle's wake. That day changed my life.

The night of my uncle's wake, my father passed away.

He wasn't sick. He wasn't old (still in his 50's!), and it was a complete side-blinding shock.

We couldn't even find him for an entire day. After my uncle's wake, he wanted to drive home and after a phone call on the road for directions, we never heard from him again.

24 hours later, after calling hospitals, jails, state troopers, we get a call back. He was gone. He didn't suffer. He simply pulled over into a gas station and passed away... peacefully.

I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I guess it just doesn't make me feel worse. I was so afraid. Afraid he had gotten murdered, or had a car accident. At least he just closed his eyes and went. It pains me that he was alone. I worry that he was scared.

We don't even know what actually happened. We finally have the autopsy results (after them getting LOST for a month) and it says "natural causes". They couldn't find anything concrete, though it did say he had cardiovascular issues. My family thinks he probably had a clot. He was complaining that his calf was swollen and painful.

I miss him terribly, and it is all I can do sometimes to get through each day. My relationship with Sir has pretty much deteriorated. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, and we're okay together... but things are just.... different. Not even by choice... I just cant seem to get it together. There is no D/s to speak of.

At first, Sir used his Dominance to keep me from completely shutting down. Telling me to eat, shower, get up, go to work. Stopping me from spending every minute doing things for other people.  But now, I just can't seem to handle it. Not just that, but anything. Our house is a trainwreck. I can't manage cleaning, laundry, shopping for food, making lunches, etc. I don't serve Sir, at all. All the little things we've set up have gone out the window. He fends for himself and spends much of his time now helping me.

I'm not quite sure how to put our lives back. I don't think I can move on. But I can move forward. Sir and I had a conversation a month or so ago. Both he and I thought I was in a place where we could try to move forward. So I tried. And failed.  Miserably.

I think that even without the rest of our lives, coping with this one thing is enough. But it's not just that. Its a 1.5 hour commute each way to work, and adjusting to that new schedule. It's having 2-3 hours a day to deal with my entire life. It's my family being completely dysfunctional and dependent on me at a time where people should be helping me, not the other way around. I can't even begin to get into their bullshit. It's having cars break down and paying over $2500 in the span of 3 weeks. It's having a break-in and getting our things stolen. It's my dad's cat that we took in who claws, vomits, shits, and pees all over the apartment despite taking him to the vet, trying recommended diets, a new bigger litter box, scratchers, toys etc. I am sick of cleaning up cat bodily functions every day.

I just feel like it never ends. I cannot catch a break. I know realistically that I should count my blessings, but some days it is really hard. I have a winter lay-off coming up in a few weeks and Sir and I have decided that if unemployment comes through, I should just take it and the break and try to piece myself back together. I originally was going to work at a different job, but maybe this will be a sort of blessing. How else could I get this kind of time?

I am just... broken. It's been three and a half months. It seems like nothing, and an enormous amount of time all at once. I don't know what I should do to get Sir's and my life back on track. I do know that this right here isn't working.

If I can hold out and get through the next couple of weeks, maybe I'll have the time to figure it out.

At least I do know one thing: through this all, Sir has been amazing. If I didn't want to marry him before (I did), I certainly do now. And he deserves someone who is more with it than I am right now.

So I need to work hard to become that person once more. I hope I can make some progress this winter.

My dad wouldn't want me wallowing in misery; he would be so angry at me right now, letting my life fall to pieces. So for him, and for Sir, I have some work to do, and hopefully the time to do it in a few weeks.

What We Both Need

Writing that post last night was both a blessing and a curse. I knew it was a bit over the top; Sir never gets any sort of vitriol directed at him from me. He has seen me mad and upset at others while he is around, but those feelings were never directed toward him before.

But maybe he needs that. After writing what I did, which was absolutely an accurate representation of my feelings of frustration and anger that I’ve been having for quite a while, I went to bed (on time; at least I could do that). I did not text him goodnight; I just got into bed. He didn’t read my post until after I had fallen asleep and in the morning I had messages that he was disappointed in himself, and that we need to fix this ASAP, and that I was to be ready by 8pm to have a discussion. I could see why he was being so assertive; it was an immediate attempt to address the situation and provide a feeling of being controlled. But after not getting any of that for so long, I had a feeling of: “Oh, so NOW you want to tell me what to do? NOW you’re ready to be the Dom that I need, and that you said you’d be?”

On the other hand, I also had feelings of regret similar to the ones you get when you wake up hungover wishing you hadn’t done what you did, said what you said, called who you called… but you can’t take it back. And at the end of the day, this is a blog about a real D/s relationship. It’s not sunny side up all the time. And there’s no good without the bad.

It’s not one-sided. Sir has issues with me too; mainly being that I am busy ALL THE TIME. And he’s right to a degree. But looking honestly at my schedule, there’s not much I can do about the things I do pencil in there. And I feel as though he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. For the 5 things I agree to, there are another 20 that I have to decline. And some of it is work related events and the like that I really can’t just say no to.

It’s not like I purposely put things in my schedule to avoid seeing him. I also don’t think he understands WHY I’m busy – where do all these events and things to do come from? Without trying to sound like an overly conceited girl that I would hate; I have a lot of friends. Some acquaintances, but moreso a largeish close core of friends, especially from a collegiate fraternity. And I like staying in touch. So when they invite me to things, I WANT to go. It’s hard to keep in touch and keep a friendship alive as an adult, so making it to things is important to me; I feel like I let friend relationships slip through the cracks way too much.

I feel like Sir doesn’t have any “real” friends, besides me. And I feel like an insipid teenager for writing things about “twue friends”. But take his best friend – we’ve been together for a year and a half now, and I’ve never even met the guy. In the time we’ve been together, he’s seen this guy ONCE. He does have some gaming buddies, but I thought they were just people he gamed with; not had meaningful friendships with. He enlightened me a bit on that, but while I do think they’re closer than I thought, I’m still not sure it’s the same; he rarely does things with these fellows besides gaming.

He’s also a bit of a homebody. While trying to plan what we should do in North Carolina, my friend asked me what Sir would like. I had such a short list it was painful. He would like to check out the tabletop gaming scene, and he likes to go to movies. He’ll even go alone if I’m not around. That’s it. That’s all I could tell her that he does on his own. He informed me today that he wants to go to the aquarium. I thought that was purely for my benefit, but I’m pleased to know it’s a genuine interest. That being said, Sir is extremely open minded and will go to and try just about anything. But it seems hard for him to come up with things on his own. He said we have the opposite issues – I am busy all the time, and he as an overabundance of free time that we need to rectify.

We looked at my June schedule. I worked 19 days in a row that month. Besides that, I saw Sir a couple of times on the weekends, and the one weekend I actually had completely off, I took my parents out for birthdays/father’s day, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

July – the first weekend, he had a convention, and I hung out with my roommate for her birthday. The next weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party, and I took that same friend out for her birthday the day before. I could have not taken her out, being that we were going to her party. Though, I have said no to her several times because I never have time. It’s a hard balance. This weekend I have a meeting for a volunteer position I took on (The position itself is mostly online and communication, and there was no one else to fill it. Volunteering is optional, but doing the job is not. Sir and I talked about this before I took the position on; there were other positions that would have required more time commitment that I turned down). The weekend after I’m going on a week long camping trip that has been in the works for over a year now. Sir laughed last year when he saw that in my calendar; now he sees why I plan in advance.

When we return from the trip in August, I turned down a party a friend of mine is throwing, and depending on how late we get back, I’m going right to Sir's and staying over until Sunday. August is actually not that bad for Sir. Next weekend after the trip, Sir and I are going to spend a weekend together in Pennsylvania and I’ll get to meet his best friend for the first time. The weekend after that I have a family reunion in Virginia, and I somehow have to figure out how I can squeeze in the bridal dress shopping of my close friend when I’m her maid of honor. The weekend after that, I put entirely for Sir, and declined another friend’s party. And the final weekend of the summer, I’m also spending with Sir driving down to North Carolina to stay with friends/road trip/check out a potential living destination. All in all, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or bad. We also see each other at least once during the week. Once September comes, I am going to TRY my best to make sure Sir and I get at least two weekends a month to OURSELVES. It’s not enough to see each other, or attend a social function. We need extended alone time, that’s the problem here. We need time to connect, and to be able to fully be ourselves; our dynamic is not for everyone, it might make others uncomfortable, and much of it SHOULD be private, just for our intimacy’s sake. I’m hoping that having more weekend time will help, but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.

We talked about him and consistency. He says he’s going to have to be firmer with me. However, after him not being firm, I’m sure he’s going to have a time of it; I’m positive that my reaction is not going to be to just take it. I’m going to naturally rebel and he is going to have to be prepared to deal with it.

We also talked about him doing more leading. Because we live an hour apart, I’ve expressed interest to him multiple times in setting up things that we can do when we’re not together to keep our relationship going. I’ve been really diplomatic about it. But none of it’s really happened. And D/s has more and more fallen to the wayside. I just feel awful inside. On the one hand, I do think this could help us. On the other hand, he is the Dom and I am the sub and I’m not the one that is supposed to be telling him what to do. I don’t want to top from the bottom. But what we have is not working and SOMETHING needs to be done. And with all his abundant free time it frustrates me to no end that he’s not choosing to take that time to develop this, or do research or… anything. I do think about it and research when I can (which isn’t even as often as I would like). It makes me wonder sometimes if this is really for him. Is this really who he is and what he wants?

Me, I know that I want to be submissive. Sir is my first Dominant ever. And I’m not making any plans for that to be different. But if for whatever reason we were to break up tomorrow, I would NOT seek another vanilla relationship. This is what I want. This is the dynamic that I need to be happy. I try my best to seek it. But even with researching and thinking about things, I don’t feel I can be submissive if there’s nothing to submit TO.

Submission is not a natural thing for me either – In my “real” life, I’m usually very outgoing, assertive, boisterous and the like. But in relationships, being in control doesn’t work for me. I chew my men up and spit them out. I think I just can’t be with someone who can’t keep me in line. I run all over those men, and I lose respect for them ultimately. Its why I need Dominance. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been so happy, fulfilled, and in love in, when we were working at it. I thought I’d never have those intense feelings ever again.

But all this makes me wonder if Sir really is a Dominant. If this is what he needs to be happy. Yes, Sir likes aspects of kink, and I certainly think he needs those to be happy, but the Domination part? I wonder. It’s an awful lot of work, and though he has the time, he’s not putting in the work. Is it not fulfilling for him, or is it laziness? Either way, we’ve got problems. He has a hard time keeping his own life together. How can he control me if he can’t even keep his own shit together? He’s got a chronic history of not finishing things, which does bother me. Will this be one of those things in his life? I can’t let that be, but I don’t know what to do to help.

All this also makes me wonder, what is the submissive responsibility in a situation like this? Obviously it can’t ALL be on the dominant. So what is the sub role here? I can try to be supportive. I can try to offer suggestions. But if you’ve offered suggestions that haven’t been taken, and you try to be supportive of things, then what do you do? Honestly. For us, it’s taken me having a bit of a blow up on the internet of all places to be the impetus behind a much needed conversation, some of which we’ve spoken about before. It’s just hard, because I’ve talked about this before, just not with anger. Sir says that he doesn’t get “subtle”. But I’ve not been subtle, I’ve flat out given suggestions. Should I have to get an airhorn for that to work?

I’m not sure but I’m way past my bedtime (with Sir’s not only permission but demand that I write and not go to sleep until I’m done). Tomorrow we’ll meet up and I’ve been given instructions on appropriate dresses to bring. We’ll see what he comes up with to try and set a spark for re-aligning our relationship. I think my spark was my firebomb of a mouth. And now I’ll close it; it’s been flapping too much this evening.

BSDM in Songs

I have been hearing BDSM in songs everywhere. I actually have a Project Playlist with songs that I personally find relevant, or get me feeling or thinking about my Dom or submission, but I’ve had to dig to find those. Now, on my drive to work, I constantly hear pop songs that have heavy BDSM themes. It makes me think: how acceptable is this lifestyle becoming?

I tend to think of myself as more of an alt rock girl, but pop is… well, popular. If there are a lot of BDSM themes in this music, does that reflect the times? In a way I’d like to think so, but for most people, I think they’re just playing at it. It’s one thing to be coy and make jokes and hint about being kinky. It can be seen as flirtatious or outgoing, or perhaps desirable. It’s fine to have a night exploring something. But the reality of it? I don’t think most people actually realize what it’s like. Many of the same people who blast Rihanna’s S & M in their car would probably look aghast at what the Dirty Old Man and I get up to, emotionally, symbolically, and of course, sexually. I don't think they would accept the reality of us.

Of course, I could be dead wrong, and there are probably a lot more people who are into TTWD than I realize. I also wonder if I am noticing more BDSM in songs because there are actually more of those themes in the songs being made, or because I am more aware of this lifestyle now. Am I unconsciously (or actively) looking more for this sort of thing?

What are some of your favorite BDSM related songs? Either explicit and obvious, or more subtle to those in the know? Here’s the very first song I put into my play list: Muse - Undisclosed Desires. Maybe I can add more!

Blindfolds and Blowjobs

I think everyone has the tendency to plan and picture something out in their head before it actually happens. It’s usually either the best of outcomes or the worst, never actual reality. It took me a while before I would actively think about what being blindfolded for him would be like. I’m aware that out of a list of kinks, being blindfolded is quite vanilla. However, I wanted to write about real life and how realities set in. Usually, when I would imagine these scenarios, I would be bound. I would be servicing him, or he would be doing unseen things to me, and it always ended in a nice clean fashion, all smiles (at least at the very end).

The first time he blindfolded me (awhile ago) started off very nice. I was eager as this was new territory for us, and sometimes I think I am a little bit greedy for his attentions. I had time to revel in my sight being taken away. I could take in all the sounds. I would try to anticipate what would be coming. When it came to servicing my Dirty Old Man, I was happy. I wondered how it would be different than usual. I did not consider, however, how it would be exactly the same.

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to fellatio. It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s not even that sometimes my neck and mouth get tired. I like doing it. I enjoy making my partner feel good, and this act is a wonderful form of service that often makes me feel quite submissive. When I get tired, I do my best to continue and concentrate on him, though I think I need a bit more practice. It’s also a bit of a turn on for me. My actual problem - it’s the big finish.

I hate semen.

I hate the way it tastes. I hate its somewhat sudden arrival into my mouth. And most of all, I hate its texture. It’s like someone has just hawked a giant loogie into my mouth. I think it’s the texture that really kills it for me. It makes me gag. Every. Single. Time. I’m trying to work on controlling my reactions, but I don’t think I’ve made much progress lately. My big step was being able to take ejaculate in my mouth. Usually, I would just finish using my hands. But since that milestone, I’ve not been able to progress.

So, as all good things come to an end, the Dirty Old Man and I are finishing up. I know it’s coming. I am mentally preparing myself. I was able to handle the past few times really well at the end. This time will be fine, right?

Wrong.

Despite myself, I started gagging, which for the first time, turned to a little bit of vomiting. No problem, I’ll just hop right up to the garbage, or run right into the bathroom. Oh wait, I can’t see a damn thing, and now I’m panicking and tripping a bit. I believe my hands were also bound behind me at the time; I couldn’t take the blindfold off. The Dom caught on and helped me out, but I ended up being extremely embarrassed. I felt disgusting and I was worried that I ruined what should have been a pleasurable experience for him. I think I even cried a bit.

Now, I can laugh a little while thinking about it. I think about how silly I must have looked with puffed up chipmunk cheeks doing a circular dance and tripping. But the reality of something doesn’t always mesh with expectations.

Since then I’ve had other chances to be blindfolded that have balanced out this occasion. I find the Dirty Old Man to be very creative and inventive at times. The most recent instance involved my metal nail file of all things. It was lovely, and made me want to continue exploring loss of this sense.

I think it’s just important to think more about Risk Management. Follow Murphy’s law, and try your best to be prepared. Sometimes there are situations that you wouldn’t have considered, but believe me, since that experience, we’re ready for this situation every time. Sometimes no one can teach you as well as life experience. There really isn’t a manual or a Google prompt for this sort of thing!