Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

If you're celebrating in the US, Happy Thanksgiving.

I've been traveling since Saturday. Popped over to my aunt's across the state for a birthday party, staying the night before. Same relatives as the redneck baby shower incident. It went okay, and it WAS nice to see them. I had to follow Sir's rules about being stronger around them and not doing much for that party. I DID get some donuts and milk for breakfast because I was not going to eat in front of 4 children when they had no breakfast. Other than that, I just bought a gift and enjoyed the party.

That night, I drove to visit my mom. On the way, I stopped over to visit my dad's upstairs neighbors before going to New York. They've been excellent during everything that happened. The man upstairs is a minister and also performed the final services for my father. It was nice to have dinner with them.

Finally went to see my mom for a few days. I helped her around the house, moving furniture, trying to fix her computer, taking her to run errands (she doesn't drive). Last night we came back to my house. She hasn't been here since the day we moved in. It's been good showing her around and visiting. When Sir comes home tonight, the three of us will be heading to Virginia for Thanksgiving at another Aunt's. Friday we'll be heading back here to check on the cat, then drop my mom off in New York Saturday, and visit Sir's family in New Jersey before heading back Sunday. Whew!

I was a bit anxious about my mom being here, since we do have BDSM things in the house. We put them away, but I did wonder if she'd find them. She's not really nosy, but she doesn't know where anything is in the house and I was thinking she might inadvertently find those items while innocently looking for other things. So far, so good. She nearly opened the collar cabinet, but for some reason, didn't. I'm not ready to explain any of this to her, (or to the whole family - she's got a big mouth sometimes) so if any of that can be avoided it'd be for the best.

Hope you all have a great holiday! I know it will be a hard one for us; the first holiday without my dad, but it WILL be a good thing to see all this family.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Sir's Goals and Our Talk

Sir finally let me see his responses, and we went over our thoughts together, in a conversation that took over an hour and fifteen minutes (and we were wrapping that up because it was late and we were tired, haha). I think this is a good thing; it gave us time to really talk about what we wanted for the future, and like many conversations, it developed into other areas to talk about.

Sir's Goals.
It was a good talk. It showed me that although we may use different language and terms, we're on the same page. I am more verbose, especially when initially trying to work through something. Sir did say that his was short.

So the wrap-up version of our talk is that he agrees that right before the shit hit the fan, our D/s lives were probably the best they've been... ever. I guess you have to come really high to fall really low. We're going to start over, basically from scratch. We don't think it should take as long time-wise to build things back up, just because the learning curve won't be as steep.

I'm not sure when he'll decide to re-collar me. In a way, I am surprised that he hasn't done it already. But on the other hand, I think this is also a good thing. It will be on his terms.

Although I didn't phrase it as such and he did, we're both on the same page in terms of a Master/slave dynamic. He and I both feel that this is where we've been heading, organically. I had actually written about this before July and just never felt like posting it after my world crumbled (maybe I'll get to releasing those posts sometime). Its good to know we feel the same. I'd still call him Sir. We'd probably use the term Total Power Exchange if we labeled it at all, and it's something that will take years to get to, we're both sure.

As far as me being a house submissive... I'm not sure if I could flourish in that environment. Maybe if we had kids and there was a reason for me to be home. Otherwise, I think I'd get depressed with that much home-time. Or else Sir would have to put in a LOT of work to make that work, and that's a place he'd have to build himself up to.

I like the idea of working part time, to have more time to focus on service and submission. But again, this would come in years of time. We're not financially or emotionally ready for that. We don't even know in what city we'll be setting down roots yet (should know for sure by late August).

Sir is going to work on being consistent and demanding - expecting more. He's got to uphold consequences of anything he truly cares about. He said he may work on really thinking more proactively about his dominance. Maybe he'll journal. If he did, I'd likely think it to be a private effort. He may start reading the thoughts of other Doms... I know it really helps me when I blog and read the thoughts of other kinky people. Keeps me thinking about my submission and service, even in a time like now where there's not much going on daily.

So for now, I guess we'll have to work on getting our groove back. Putting back into place all those little things that made us work. Made our D/s lives work. and have a plan for how to keep these in place when I'm out of the house for the better part of the day.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Sir's Task: D/s Goals

I took some time yesterday to complete Sir's task. To write my thoughts on long and short term goals.

It took me longer than I expected: Two hours.

I wrote about two pages, but it was conversational in tone. Sir has not let me see his as of yet, though he has read mine. I think he needs time to process and reflect on it. Sir has said in the past that he is a slow, deliberate thinker.

I spent some time really thinking about what I'd hope we'd be. What I'd hope for us in the future. And I think that was the bulk of the writing. Sir mentioned that his was a list, and it was a paragraph or two. Perhaps if I had made mine into a list, it'd be much shorter. But Sir's letter to me told me not to worry too much about the particulars, so I just... wrote.

This is what I came up with:

I'm curious as to what he wrote, and what he thinks of my writing. We'll see what Sir says.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Being Off, Sir's Birthday, and A Task

I made it! I had my last day of work on Friday. It was a busy, but good day. I really do LOVE my job. The commute sucks, but once I am there I really do enjoy it, and I'm glad that I am finally in a place where I can say that. This layoff is only temporary, and my position is secure so I can return. I am applying for unemployment today; I'm hoping we get good news there.

This weekend was Sir's birthday. When I had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday weekend, he finally said that he wanted to get a haircut. Haha, not what I meant, but whatever floats his boat. We both went and got haircuts together (mine was more of a trim). Since he is a meat and potatoes kind of fella, I made some steak, with mashed potatoes and broccoli. And shrimp cocktail for appetizers. And of course, ice cream cake, his favorite. On Saturday night, we went out to celebrate. Went to a local sushi restaurant. Then went to see The Martian. Sir does love his movies. When I think about it, last year we pretty much did the same exact thing. Went to the same restaurant, and went to the same movie theatre! It doesn't really matter though, as long as he is happy.

Sir was taking a picture of my outfit (I made sure to wear something to show off cleavage for him) and I started walking toward him like Frankenstein's monster. Sir also let me take one photo of him at dinner, hahah.

This morning I woke up, enjoying my first day off of this break. I have had a few days to relax with Sir, so I don't feel too much of a need to decompress. I think I can be really productive today, and get things done, like the mountain of cleaning our place desperately needs.

When I came out into the living room, Sir had left a note for me. He hasn't done that in months, and usually when he does, he hand-writes them. Today, he had printed it.

I thought it was interesting that he signed it with his actual name (which I edited before posting), as opposed to Sir, which is what he has done in the past. I guess that reflects the changes that have happened in the past few months. He has mentioned that he wanted us to sit down and talk about our goals, so I have been thinking about that somewhat, though I didn't realize he wanted us to put pen to paper separately.

I'll make these words the priority on being productive today!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Just A Few More Days/Collarless

Just a few more days and then I feel like I can hopefully truly start working on myself and make progress for Sir.

I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.

I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.

I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.

Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.

He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.

I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.

I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.
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