Resistance

I've been thinking of resistance, change, and progress lately.

Sir and I have been trying to figure out how things work now that we've moved in together. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster. I understand that it will take time to figure out how things will function best for us. Sir has indicated that some of the issues we've been having in setting up and maintaining our D/s household are due to him learning just how to live on his own (again), and live with a romantic partner for the first time. The parameters are a bit different than when you live alone, or with roommates/family. Many of the issues we've been having he feels stems from a lack of awareness of what needs to be done. As he figures things out, they get better.

We've been making a lot of changes over the past few months. Expectations had been set up stemming naturally from how we were running the house and our lives. Habits, and norms have been allowed to develop. And now that we're trying to go in a specific direction, lots of talk about specific rules and customary behaviors have gone on.

I find myself resisting. I don't mean to... and I was going to say that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if that's quite true. I don't want to find myself at odds with Sir and his wishes for our relationship. I do wish I was more naturally accepting of the changes we make. Sir has drafted a few versions of rules, procedures, behaviors in the past couple of weeks. I find myself questioning every paragraph, asking for clarification, or sometimes challenging. I feel like if I wanted to make progress, my want to change would overcome my feelings of resistance.

I don't wanna...

I was the one who indicated a need for more structure, but reading those rules last night, I felt like it was way too much. It's so much change in  a small time period. I think that perhaps once we have a final draft that only really includes things that matter over ideas he's just kicking around it will help also. I was thinking to myself, "Does he really care about this behavior/rule?" Why is it actually here - is it just to give me something to do, or does it really matter to him?

Even with simple things he definitely DOES care about - like wearing my wristcollar, I struggle. I take it off sometimes when cooking or doing the dishes, etc. so that it doesn't get damaged. And I forget to put it back on right away. Often. I got cornertime yesterday for it. It's happened many, many times. Why can't I just put it back on - what is this resistance I have?

Sir has given me a collar to wear and show my service to him. But I fight that too. It's too bulky, too tight, too sticky, too cumbersome.... etc. I should work instead on figuring out how to live with it... but I know that deep down - I don't want to! Apparently I am resistant to giving up my own comfort. It's a struggle I've also had in not using furniture - my back has been killing me lately. Sir has noticed too. He decided yesterday that I am permitted the use of the furniture again because it was not fully accomplishing what he wanted - to remind me of my place, to make me appreciate the simple things. I think that I was getting there slowly, I accepted not using the furniture. I bore the discomfort. But Sir wants me to relax, and play video games. It's really hard to do that for an extended period of time on the floor. I get so uncomfortable that I don't want to play anymore. I'd taken to standing with the computer at the kitchen table (with his acknowledgement), or using a bar stool, but it didn't help. He feels that the unintended side effect of causing back pain on a daily basis was too much of an interference in what he wanted to accomplish. He wants to find a different way to push that idea towards me. He thinks he may use it to correct negative behaviors, or as an express punishment, but I am using furniture again.

I feel a little bit like a bad sub. That my failure to fully accept this rule due to experiencing pain manipulated the situation so that it was changed to my benefit. I didn't actively try to manipulate the situation, but I still feel that it happened. If I had made my pain less known, if I had been more graceful, perhaps I would be sitting on the floor now instead of the couch. But I see the logic in Sir's decision too. It's just difficult to accept my own failures.

I wonder if resistance and change are a cycle when trying to make progress. I think back, and there are things I was initially resistant to, mentally and physically that I accept as normal now. Wearing collars (even the big collar), kneeling, domestic service, pain, accepting orders, bondage. I remember freaking out the first time we used the Wartenberg wheel, (or a vibrator for that matter). Now I can handle it.

So, perhaps with time I will overcome all the resistance and pushing-back feelings I am experiencing.
Perhaps change, for us works like: New rules/expectations ---> Resistance  ---> Enforcing Rules/Expecatations (Punishment), Time to make it a habit ---> Progress.

With more time perhaps I will accept these changes, and with more enforcement. I think that when Sir doesn't enforce things, in my mind they must not actually be important to him, so I learn not to really care about them either.

I will try and be focused on what the rules and procedures are going to be, and getting excited about them, instead of fearing them.  I hope I can be more accepting of Sir's structure, and learn to let go... I think once I can do that, I will really be able to go deeper in my service and submission to Sir. Some of this I think has to do with trust. I need to be able to trust Sir more - believe that he will do what he says he will. I don't want to dig my heels in when he pushes me, I need to learn that accepting his dominance will truly let me fly...

Sir's Birthday Part 2

So, Sir and I had a great day for his birthday, and then had a good sleep. When we awoke, my plan
was to give Sir a nice blowjob (that I meant to give him the night before) using this special spray that numbs the back of my throat so I can take more of him, and really focus on pleasing him.

Sir had other ideas.

As soon as we got up, Sir headed to the back room, and I heard the classic noises of him fiddling with our toybag.

"Bitch, come here."

I came into the room still in my pajamas, and Sir immediately cuffed and locked all my limbs. I admit, I got a little whiney, probably because I had literally just opened an eyeball. I really need to keep myself in check sometimes.

Sir marched be back into the bedroom, changed my comfy collar to the big leather collar, then stripped me bare. He then tied my wrist cuffs together using rope, and bound my arms above my head using the door for leverage. I was whining a little bit, because it was cold. We turn the thermostat down at night, so the house hadn't had a chance to warm up yet.

He brought out the body marker and scrawled across my breasts. When he was finished, my right breast said "Happy", my left breast said "Birthday" and across my chest was "BITCH". I am his "Happy Birthday" Bitch! I'm glad he wrote on me - it's not something we do often. I just hope BITCH is not peeking through my shirt at work tomorrow, haha.

As I faced the door, I felt a lot of sensations, tricking me and making me wiggle. He started off soothing, running his hands up and down my back. Then, Sir brought out a pointy back massager I got at a dollar store somewhere. I could feel it biting into my back and the top of my ass. I could feel the skinny bite of the wartenberg wheel, which felt more like a thin knife across my skin. I think he brought out the metal back scratcher too. I liked when he tried to trick my body, using them simultaneously down my spine, then separating each across my skin. It leaves me trying to figure out which sensations are from which implement.

From there, he brought out the thin whippy belt, leaving little stripes across my back. He hit me hard a few times to leave a deeper mark, and probably also just to show me he could; that he was in control, and if I'm liking the light whipping, it's because he wants me to. He could turn it at any moment. He had me face him, twirling on my toes, arms suspended above my head.

"Whose submissive bitch are you?"

"Yours, Sir."

"What are you?"

"I'm your submissive bitch, Sir."

He then whipped me lightly across the front of my body. I always feel more vulnerable when the front of my body is exposed.

He had me face the wall again. I mentioned that I felt selfish. Here it was his birthday, and I'm the one getting all the attention. He didn't want a blowjob, he wants to do things I like instead?

"It's my birthday, bitch, and I'd like to spend it putting you in the right headspace. Plus, I enjoy doing these things to you, hearing your sounds, watching you squirm... and it's not like you're not giving me a blowjob later!"

Touche, Sir.

Sir then swatted my ass a few times with the big paddle.

He had another implement, and was alternating until he said, "Hard or Soft?"

"Um, what, Sir?"

"Hard or Soft?"

"...um, hard, Sir?"

I felt a soft tickle down my spine. "Hard, or Soft?"

"...um, Soft, Sir?"

-WHAM!- He wailed down on my ass. "Hard or Soft?"

"Soft?"

-A gentle tap on my bottom.-

This continued, him asking me "Hard or soft?", me hesitatingly responding, and him either complying or not. I wasn't ever sure what to say, because he's going to do what he wants anyway.

He asked me if I knew why he was doing this. I wasn't sure. He knows I dislike having to make decisions, especially when he asks me what I want. I feel put on the spot and out of ideas. I liked this activity because it was a choice, but it was controlled. Instead of infinite options, there were a few selections. It made it easier. But if he was going to give me a choice, and then do what he wants, why bother giving me a choice in the first place?

Sir educated me. "You can choose, but it is up to me to decide if the choice is the best thing for you. You can ask, but I decide."

It was a little bit of a mindfuck for me. A small part of me still feels like he is going to do what he wants anyway, he knows what he feels is best for me anyway, so why have me choose? That being said, I like the choices, even if he doesn't acquiesce to my selection. Because he can do what he wants.

I started to reach my arm suspension limit, so Sir unbound my arms. I was a lucky girl, for he let me serve his cock! I trimmed him nicely, and then after applying my "Deep Throat" spray, got to sucking. I'm glad Sir got his birthday blowjob after all!

Stolen Seclusion

This past Sunday, Sir and I had a couple of hours completely to ourselves.

Usually, to get complete, uninterrupted alone time, we have to conduct an orchestra and calculate when Pluto will be approaching the horizon... or steal away for a weekend.

I had pretty much just awoken; only getting up and dressing to brush my teeth, but Sir wasted no time.

"Strip".

Sir placed my collar around my neck. He was merciful the night before and allowed me to choose between sleeping with the big collar on (which was very physically uncomfortable), or sleeping naked (which I find mentally uncomfortable). Since I chose the mental discomfort, now the collar returned. When not trying to sleep, its just fine. I missed it.

I miss my sleeping collar, too.

Sir bound my hands and feet. He used the extra rope that I had previously used to make arm braces. I missed that too. Rope. It was interesting to use such thin rope in binding my arms and legs - we usually use thicker rope.

Sir pushed me face down on the bed.

I could hear him setting things up. Opening the bondage bag and removing items. Choosing. Slowly, he laid some items down on the bed in my line of sight:

A pair of clothespins.
An extendable metal backscratcher.
My thin leather belt, with the beads at the end.
Plastic spring clamps.
A pair of rope scissors.
Our Wartenberg wheels.

Immediately, those butterflies were in my belly. Wondering what he was going to do. Which items he would use - all? None? Which first? The anticipation was delightful.

Sir started things out very sensual. Nice soothing hands all over me. Soft tone of voice... though to be fair, he's NEVER raised his voice or screamed at me. Ever. He doesn't need to. He can show me he means business by altering his tone, but leaving his volume level.

Sir grabbed the backscratcher. But instead of scratching my back, he used the blunt end to strike my body. Which warmed me up for his hand. I so needed his hand. When we first used the candle wax, by the end I was aching to be spanked. Then I felt a sting on my back. He was alternating the smacks with whipping. Delicious. I started to count the blows in my head, but it got a little confusing once he added the candle wax. I was over two hundred various blows before I heard him blow out the candle.

I heard a shutter click.

 

And then the peeling. Oh, the peeling.

It was amazing. And torturous. Sir used the backscratcher in the peeling process and I felt like I was going to hit the ceiling.

Then Sir flipped me over. He clamped my nipples with the spring clamps, pulling and flicking them. He alternated the Wartenberg wheels over my belly and breasts. One dug deeper than the other - an interesting contrast. Sir was able to push them into my breasts, down my feet, scraping sideways.

He pushed a hand between my thighs, and was able to see how much I was enjoying his treatment.

For some reason, I bear embarrassment in those situations, displaying evidence of my pleasure, my liking of these activities. But I like the embarrassment too.

Sir works hard to make me happy. I think my being happy makes him happy.

He said he's not a fan of orgasm denial for me - as every time I finish is like a victory.

It was an easy race to that finish line. I don't usually finish solely while having sex, but I guess he had me primed.

I missed having a longer, thought out scene like that.

I've been floating for days.

Wartenberg Wheel - Take Two

I was a little bit nervous to try using this sex toy again. The last time we used it I had a very adverse reaction. This time, however, was very very different.

After we spoke about what happened the first time we used it (my freaking out), he said that we would try this again. He didn't bring it out for a long while, however, though he had many occasions to do so. I was starting to think that he forgot about it, but maybe he was waiting on me to indicate that I was ready. I finally mentioned something to him, saying that we should try it again. I really didn't want to do that; I feel as though my saying that is giving too much direction. I have a need for him to take more control and lead more when it comes to these things.

That night we finally got to see each other. After a nice evening out, as we're getting ready for bed, he pulls out the Wartenberg Wheel. I almost felt like I didn't want to do this. I felt like my mentioning it lead to us directly using, and that me having too much power, or something like that. So I tried to get out of it, but he decided we were going to do it anyway. I think this was a good decision on his part. If you're going to ask for something, don't complain about getting it, or try to wriggle your way out of it.

Be careful what you wish for.

At first, the entire scene was very...clinical. He would use it on various parts of my body, and ask me how it felt. He also has a bright standing fluorescent light in his room, and the light added to that clinical feel. This time around, however, the sensations were quite pleasant. I think its because he was being much more precise about it. It's got a great use as a tickling device, when used in the right spots, or just very lightly, anywhere. We discovered that I squirm a great deal if its used on my spine, ass, and feet. Pressing hard, you get a bit of a bite, but its pleasant.

Just what the doctor ordered.

From this clinical scene, things changed very quickly. I went from feeling like a patient or test subject to... not. The wheel definitely had a very positive effect on me this time around, because my body was more than ready for sex. Lately, we've been having some issues as the Dirty Old Man is well endowed and sometimes I hurt afterward. Not this time. The tickling, the squirming, the feel of control there... I was definitely feeling it.

Perfect prescription.

I could see this being effective as not only a foreplay toy, or something to get one started on bigger things, but as the entire headliner itself. It's great for beginners, or those that want to dabble with sensations and pain, but not get too hardcore. I wouldn't recommend this product for deep masochists and those looking for a heavier pain. The spikes on the wheel are rounded and probably won't break skin, even with heavy pressing. That being said, I enjoyed this toy greatly, and with this new experience I'm now happy its found a way into our bondage toys bag!

Thank you, Edenfantasys!