Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Adverse Reactions & Anxiety

I nearly had a panic attack on Sunday. I haven’t had one in YEARS.

The Dirty Old Man picked something more along the lines of what I would expect for another toy review. A Wartenberg Wheel. On Sunday, he finally tried it out on me. I’ll try to keep the experience of the wheel as limited as possible, to save that for the review. I don’t want this to be sole review, because it wasn’t a defect in the toy that caused me to react this way.

He bound my arms behind my back with very limited motion, and asked me if I knew what was coming next. I didn’t, which surprised him. As my back was turned to him, I heard him fumbling around for something. I really enjoy anticipation like that. Then, I felt something, which I could not really place. Eventually I understood that he had finally taken out the new toy. I found it pleasant at first. Then, he had me turn around to use it on my breasts and nipples. He has a particular fondness for breast and nipple play. Using on my nipples wasn’t so bad, but it did make me extremely nervous. We were testing different pressures, and he began using it pretty intensely (I thought) on my breasts and nipples. I told him that I didn’t like that, though I wasn‘t exactly sure why at the time. He moved on to other areas around my chest. I had to stop him. “Sir... I feel dizzy”.

My heart was pounding in my chest, my lungs were closing up, and I was about 2 seconds from having a full blown panic attack. I used to have anxiety episodes pretty frequently, but over time, sans medication, I have learned to control them through breathing and my own thoughts, and I haven’t had one in a really long time. When I informed him of my state, he immediately stopped everything and just held me, which was what I needed, I think. I got really upset however, and started to cry. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had disappointed him, by not being strong enough to handle this. By forcing him to cut this experience short. After I had calmed down a bit, he told me that he wasn’t disappointed in me at all. My safety and well being was of utmost importance to him, and he was glad that I had told him what I was feeling. He said that it was his job to take care of me, and if he wasn’t, well then… why was he here?

I was happier, and I felt better. I told him that I didn’t want to stop what we were doing. He wisely chose something else other than the wheel - The chopsticks, which I usually really like. But that day, I just couldn’t handle it. Ten seconds in, it was clear to him that I was done. I think it was more clear to him than it was to me; I really wanted to try and power through it. In the end I’m glad he made this choice for me, however. I did get really upset again for not being able to handle things again, and cutting things short, but he reassured me. He held me and we cuddled. I required that closeness to calm down; it made me feel safe. When I was ready, we coupled, which was what I needed. To still feel worthy, and desirable, and to feel that I could still do something for him.

Having this reaction really scared me. It’s the first time I’ve ever really freaked out on him. At first I really didn’t understand it, since I did like the sensations of the wheel, and I know it won‘t cut me, and I trust my D.O.M. But thinking about it, I think it was the idea of piercing that got to me. I know logically that this toy is not really designed to break skin (and it didn’t). But in the sensitive area of my breasts and nipples, I think I was afraid that I was going to be cut, or pierced, which plays into my needle phobia a bit. After I was already nervous, having it around my chest just heightened my anxieties. I think I feared that I would be cut near my chest, which I know logically won’t happen, but most of my actual fears are usually illogical. I have anxieties about my heart. When I first started having panic attacks about ten years ago, it was always centered on my heart: having a heart attack, or disease, fibrillating, etc (which was usually triggered by something else, but that‘s how it would manifest). I learned to calm myself down by breathing and just focusing on my pulse. So having the toy so close to my heart and chest after becoming anxious probably just made it worse.

Despite all this, I feel so thrilled that I have such a wonderful Dom as I do. I feel like he made all the right choices in this situation, and really helped me to stay calm, and safe, despite myself. We talked about it, and I would like to try this toy again, but with this knowledge in mind. We can avoid the trigger areas, perhaps, and have a safe, and fun experience.

7 comments:

  1. Master first used a whartenberg wheel on me when we began playing. It was new for both of us, and I had the same fear when we first played with it (I was blindfolded though). Master does use it to the point of breaking skin on my legs, which is generally very intense, and used for heavy training. Usually, he uses it very lightly on my labia, and around my pelvic region which feels nothing less than epic to me.

    Try it again in a week or so, in a different area, very lightly. Small doses might be the trick.

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  2. I liked it around my butt, and on my stomach, arms, etc. I didn't mind it on my breasts either, but on my nipples, yikes! That was the trigger.

    To break skin, I think we'd have to push very hard on this wheel; I think its designed for beginners.

    I do want to try again. I think when we do, we'll be more prepared. Experience is a great teacher.

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  3. Hi Kitty,

    I just stumbled acrossed our blog and have nothing important to say, but I used to play with a woman that (for what seems very different reasons) didn't like pointy things. Our dilemma was she liked the idea of the wartenburg wheel but not the reality. One day I stumbled acrossed a plastic version. They are really sharp even in plastic, but with just a few minutes and a cheap Home Depot file you can round the points to nubs. This allows the feel of the pressure of the points rolling acrossed your skin without the poke of the points. I don't know if this would help you or not, but your statement that you liked the way it felt but were concerned with the idea of piercing made me remember it. It might be an idea you can adapt in some way. I wish you good luck with your exploration.

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  4. Sorry, OUR blog in my previous comment should read YOUR blog. See what happens when you get in a hurry?

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  5. so know where you're coming from Lea! Another one just the same here. You have a good Dom *smiles* I know how you felt, like a disappointment and like you failed, but listen to what he says -He means it! (and yes Master I know i should listen to that advice myself).

    (And no these thought are never rational -you even know they are irrational, that don't help though does it? But you know next time is always different)

    :)

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  6. This isn't the first time I've heard mention of a whartenberg wheel, but for the life of me I can't imagine what it is. I'm going to have to hit up Google. Glad to hear that he played it safe and was respectful of your anxiety.

    The Other Lea :-)

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  7. @ Magnus - Thanks for the suggestions. We're both pretty handy with tools so I will definitely keep that in mind.

    @ Sweet Girl - I should listen to him more. Especially when he says I'm not a disappointment, or that I am forgiven. I should trust in him more and let go.

    @ the other Lea:

    This is a picture of a Wartenberg Wheel:

    http://www.goodmanmedical.com/shop/product_images/r/wartenburglg_1___76859.jpg

    Though the one we were using has much more rounded edges!

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