Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Adverse Reactions & Anxiety
The Dirty Old Man picked something more along the lines of what I would expect for another toy review. A Wartenberg Wheel. On Sunday, he finally tried it out on me. I’ll try to keep the experience of the wheel as limited as possible, to save that for the review. I don’t want this to be sole review, because it wasn’t a defect in the toy that caused me to react this way.
He bound my arms behind my back with very limited motion, and asked me if I knew what was coming next. I didn’t, which surprised him. As my back was turned to him, I heard him fumbling around for something. I really enjoy anticipation like that. Then, I felt something, which I could not really place. Eventually I understood that he had finally taken out the new toy. I found it pleasant at first. Then, he had me turn around to use it on my breasts and nipples. He has a particular fondness for breast and nipple play. Using on my nipples wasn’t so bad, but it did make me extremely nervous. We were testing different pressures, and he began using it pretty intensely (I thought) on my breasts and nipples. I told him that I didn’t like that, though I wasn‘t exactly sure why at the time. He moved on to other areas around my chest. I had to stop him. “Sir... I feel dizzy”.
My heart was pounding in my chest, my lungs were closing up, and I was about 2 seconds from having a full blown panic attack. I used to have anxiety episodes pretty frequently, but over time, sans medication, I have learned to control them through breathing and my own thoughts, and I haven’t had one in a really long time. When I informed him of my state, he immediately stopped everything and just held me, which was what I needed, I think. I got really upset however, and started to cry. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had disappointed him, by not being strong enough to handle this. By forcing him to cut this experience short. After I had calmed down a bit, he told me that he wasn’t disappointed in me at all. My safety and well being was of utmost importance to him, and he was glad that I had told him what I was feeling. He said that it was his job to take care of me, and if he wasn’t, well then… why was he here?
I was happier, and I felt better. I told him that I didn’t want to stop what we were doing. He wisely chose something else other than the wheel - The chopsticks, which I usually really like. But that day, I just couldn’t handle it. Ten seconds in, it was clear to him that I was done. I think it was more clear to him than it was to me; I really wanted to try and power through it. In the end I’m glad he made this choice for me, however. I did get really upset again for not being able to handle things again, and cutting things short, but he reassured me. He held me and we cuddled. I required that closeness to calm down; it made me feel safe. When I was ready, we coupled, which was what I needed. To still feel worthy, and desirable, and to feel that I could still do something for him.
Having this reaction really scared me. It’s the first time I’ve ever really freaked out on him. At first I really didn’t understand it, since I did like the sensations of the wheel, and I know it won‘t cut me, and I trust my D.O.M. But thinking about it, I think it was the idea of piercing that got to me. I know logically that this toy is not really designed to break skin (and it didn’t). But in the sensitive area of my breasts and nipples, I think I was afraid that I was going to be cut, or pierced, which plays into my needle phobia a bit. After I was already nervous, having it around my chest just heightened my anxieties. I think I feared that I would be cut near my chest, which I know logically won’t happen, but most of my actual fears are usually illogical. I have anxieties about my heart. When I first started having panic attacks about ten years ago, it was always centered on my heart: having a heart attack, or disease, fibrillating, etc (which was usually triggered by something else, but that‘s how it would manifest). I learned to calm myself down by breathing and just focusing on my pulse. So having the toy so close to my heart and chest after becoming anxious probably just made it worse.
Despite all this, I feel so thrilled that I have such a wonderful Dom as I do. I feel like he made all the right choices in this situation, and really helped me to stay calm, and safe, despite myself. We talked about it, and I would like to try this toy again, but with this knowledge in mind. We can avoid the trigger areas, perhaps, and have a safe, and fun experience.