Friday, September 09, 2011

Yes, what?


“…Yes, what?”

“Oh…Yes, Sir!”

This is an all-too typical conversation that the Dirty Old Man and I are forced to have nearly every time we’re together.

For the life of me, I just cannot get this to stick. I don’t know why and I’m not sure what to do to get myself to remember this all the time, every time. I guess it’s just not something that I’m used to, and it’s not something that is ingrained in my nature. But it needs to be.

The odd thing is, I like using Sir. I find it to be an appropriate term to show my respect and submission. I also know it pleases him, so doing it pleases me. But I can’t remember to do it every time. Sometimes I don’t even remember to say “Yes”. I’ll say something like, “Mmmhmm” or “Uh huh”. I’ve finally figured out that usually I give a less coherent response if he’s doing something physical to me that I like. But that doesn’t make it okay.

It got to the point this weekend where he was holding me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position asking me questions and I was responding appropriately. At the end of this he asked me, “Are you going to remember this now?”

I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also didn’t want to lie and I know myself. So I had to tell him that no, I would probably forget. I thought, however, that I would at least remember for the duration of this interaction. I was wrong.

He was tying me up and he asked me if there was any chance that I would be able to free myself. I tested it and then I enthusiastically said, “No way”. It wasn’t even plainly said, it was kind of in a singsong type of voice. “Noo waaaay.”

What? He was completely dumbfounded. Gobsmacked. It took him by such surprise, that he just stopped and stared at me in blankness. To make matters worse, I could feel laughter bubbling up inside me at the absurdity of it all. I tried to hold it in, but a few seconds later, it burst from my mouth very forcefully. I guess it was a nervous reaction, because I knew that it wasn’t an appropriate response.

He just said, “What am I going to do with you? I don’t even know what to do with you right now.”

I was very nervous, and a little bit upset, because I knew I had disappointed him. I was disappointed in myself. Why can’t I get this? It’s quite a simple concept. I also expected to be punished. When that didn’t come, I was confused, but I didn’t know if I should bring it up at the time.

The next night, we had a very long talk about what happened. I told him that I at least expected him to remove the bonds, and make me go stand in the corner while he does something that is obviously not paying attention to me, like turning on the TV. Being removed from his attentions, especially when I’ve done wrong is something that really bothers me. I think it could be quite effective, and it had been in the past.

He then said something funny.

“You know, to any ‘normal’ person, a punishment would be to be put in rope. For you, its not being in the rope.”

In a way, this huge gaffe was a bit of a blessing in disguise, because we ended up talking about a lot of things in our relationship. Not that we don’t talk, but I guess we just haven’t had the time to sit and really analyze things. I think I need for him to be more stern. In our daily lives out in the vanilla world, I’m actually quite dominant and while he’s not a follower, he’s not really a leader either. I suppose it’s a bit of a struggle for us sometimes to form the type of relationship that we want and makes us the most happy. But we’re both willing to work on it, and I assured him that I wasn’t just going to get up and leave if things aren’t working out 100% all the time. It’s a learning process and we’re new to this.

So back to “Yes, Sir.” I suggested that to make it stick, I need a more immediate consequence. Not addressing it (and other things) is probably teaching me that I can get away with stuff. And I’m going to test him; it‘s just in my nature (isn‘t it in nearly everyone‘s?). I also think I really need to focus and practice. Whenever we’re alone, even if we’re not directly in that headspace I should just say it. I’m just hoping that doesn’t leak over into our public life.

Does anyone out there have any other suggestions for making it stick? I really want this to work, and it feels like a huge hurdle.


  1. I don't use "Yes, Master" all the time, but when it's appropriate, I make sure that I do. If I don't, or I am distracted and can't acknowledge him right away, there's a fist in my hair, and I hear some snarling. This even happens when we're with friends on occasion, but usually if we're off to the side.
    It works as a good reminder, and keeps me straight for a little while at least.

  2. Kitten, that might be something to explore! I find myself feeling very submissive when being grabbed by my hair, that could put my right in my place. Hopefully for longer than a little while, but its helpful! Thanks!

  3. I quite like the 'yes what?' 'yes Sir' dynamic - for me it's a nice demonstration of his power, which wouldn't be there if I remembered all the time, because it would be automatic, so it would be unconscious. I also love that little flutter of fear I get in my chest when I realise I should have said it and he has to remind me. It instantly puts me in that space where I'm desperate to please and make it right.

    I'm not sure what will help you in remembering - maybe just a lot of patience from him in (painfully) correcting you each time? Good luck!


  4. Everything the J said, and who knows Lea, it might be something to put you closer to knowing, simply by attaching the sensation of pulling your hair to addressing him properly. Even when I would be ordered to do something while we're in public, instead of pulling my hair, he'll run his fingers through it, and along the back of my neck. They both give me the same feeling at this point, and I love it.

  5. I'm not sure of what to suggest to make it stick. I do know that when I got into the spanking lifestyle, it was almost expected to address anyone topping me as "sir" or "ma'am". I always thought this would feel very awkward and forced, but once I was actually in the situation it came to me quite naturally.

  6. I totally understand. At this point when I'm talking about Master in text, it's starting to feel weird to type his real name. And when around the vanilla people in my life, when I refer to him as my boyfriend, it just feels off. I'm hoping that remembering to call him "Master" to his face will become more instinctual soon. I know he enjoys it whenever I do so and it's not expected.

  7. @ J - I never thought about how having that dynamic in and of itself is a power/control demonstration. You're right, I do like being reminded in a way.

    Kitten: I think associations of that type could be greatly helpful, especially for a public setting.

    I do call him my boyfriend in public... but in a way he is also that. We're going for broke here, a full on relationship WITH BDSM attached. I'm not comfortable using Master... I think that might come in the very distant future... perhaps if we decide to get married. I like Sir. Hopefully I'll get better with the occasional forgetfulness, instead of every single time forgetfulness.

  8. My Master is constantly having to ask me "Yes what?" or "Okay what?" Because I'm constantly answering just yes or just okay. It makes me feel awful when I forget to say "Master" at the end of what I say. Because I love using it. It shows that he's in charge. That he is my Master. He always puts me back in my place when I forget, which is what I need.
    Do you find it getting easier over time to remember to address him correctly?

  9. Submissive Mind:

    I have been getting better over time, but I still forget, constantly. We spoke the other day, and much of the time that I now forget, its right when we're switching gears. Its very hard for me to switch from our public personas to who we are in private. There's no formal delineation as to when it happens. I noticed that sometimes when I'm almost in trouble, he'll call me "Miss" - just plainly and in a stern tone of voice to get me back on track. I think using "Miss" with me could be a cue to switch years.

    Though I do enjoy it when he puts me in my place. It just reinforces our dynamic that much more.

  10. That's when I have the most trouble, too. Master calls me Elizabeth when he's warning me. Which happens a lot.. Glad I'm not the only one who struggles to remember.

  11. I just found your blog and am working through it. Obviously, if you've found a solution to this issue, I haven't read about it yet. LOL.

    During playtime, forgetting the 'sir' or 'master', it's the Dom's responsibility to enforce the situation accordingly. OUTSIDE of playtime, I might suggest a rubber band around the wrist. Each time the appropriate form of address is missed or forgotten, the sub will snap the rubber band on their wrist. It needn't be hard, but enough to grab your attention. It's quite subtle and can be used even in crowded settings should the Dom command so.

    Just my two cents.


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