This is an all-too typical conversation that the Dirty Old Man and I are forced to have nearly every time we’re together.
For the life of me, I just cannot get this to stick. I don’t know why and I’m not sure what to do to get myself to remember this all the time, every time. I guess it’s just not something that I’m used to, and it’s not something that is ingrained in my nature. But it needs to be.
The odd thing is, I like using Sir. I find it to be an appropriate term to show my respect and submission. I also know it pleases him, so doing it pleases me. But I can’t remember to do it every time. Sometimes I don’t even remember to say “Yes”. I’ll say something like, “Mmmhmm” or “Uh huh”. I’ve finally figured out that usually I give a less coherent response if he’s doing something physical to me that I like. But that doesn’t make it okay.
It got to the point this weekend where he was holding me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position asking me questions and I was responding appropriately. At the end of this he asked me, “Are you going to remember this now?”
I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also didn’t want to lie and I know myself. So I had to tell him that no, I would probably forget. I thought, however, that I would at least remember for the duration of this interaction. I was wrong.
He was tying me up and he asked me if there was any chance that I would be able to free myself. I tested it and then I enthusiastically said, “No way”. It wasn’t even plainly said, it was kind of in a singsong type of voice. “Noo waaaay.”
What? He was completely dumbfounded. Gobsmacked. It took him by such surprise, that he just stopped and stared at me in blankness. To make matters worse, I could feel laughter bubbling up inside me at the absurdity of it all. I tried to hold it in, but a few seconds later, it burst from my mouth very forcefully. I guess it was a nervous reaction, because I knew that it wasn’t an appropriate response.
He just said, “What am I going to do with you? I don’t even know what to do with you right now.”
I was very nervous, and a little bit upset, because I knew I had disappointed him. I was disappointed in myself. Why can’t I get this? It’s quite a simple concept. I also expected to be punished. When that didn’t come, I was confused, but I didn’t know if I should bring it up at the time.
The next night, we had a very long talk about what happened. I told him that I at least expected him to remove the bonds, and make me go stand in the corner while he does something that is obviously not paying attention to me, like turning on the TV. Being removed from his attentions, especially when I’ve done wrong is something that really bothers me. I think it could be quite effective, and it had been in the past.
He then said something funny.
“You know, to any ‘normal’ person, a punishment would be to be put in rope. For you, its not being in the rope.”
In a way, this huge gaffe was a bit of a blessing in disguise, because we ended up talking about a lot of things in our relationship. Not that we don’t talk, but I guess we just haven’t had the time to sit and really analyze things. I think I need for him to be more stern. In our daily lives out in the vanilla world, I’m actually quite dominant and while he’s not a follower, he’s not really a leader either. I suppose it’s a bit of a struggle for us sometimes to form the type of relationship that we want and makes us the most happy. But we’re both willing to work on it, and I assured him that I wasn’t just going to get up and leave if things aren’t working out 100% all the time. It’s a learning process and we’re new to this.
So back to “Yes, Sir.” I suggested that to make it stick, I need a more immediate consequence. Not addressing it (and other things) is probably teaching me that I can get away with stuff. And I’m going to test him; it‘s just in my nature (isn‘t it in nearly everyone‘s?). I also think I really need to focus and practice. Whenever we’re alone, even if we’re not directly in that headspace I should just say it. I’m just hoping that doesn’t leak over into our public life.
Does anyone out there have any other suggestions for making it stick? I really want this to work, and it feels like a huge hurdle.