Sunday, December 04, 2011

Headspace Rituals

How do you mentally prepare yourself to meet your Dominant? Whether you live with that person, or not, do you have some sort of ritual to get yourself into the right headspace?

If you do live with your Dominant, I think having something to recenter yourself could be important. Though you would be 24/7 and there would be less of a line between your public and private selves, there must be times where it is necessary to remind yourself of your role.

If you do not live with your Dominant, I think this is even more key. When not with them, you’re often forced to play the dominant role in your own life. Things that you would defer to them, you deal with yourself. In the workplace or in the home, you’re often in the driver’s seat, and when it comes time to give that up and take the role that you want to take with them, it can be really difficult to switch gears.

I’d been having a bit of a problem with remembering to say “Sir”. I’ve been getting so much better lately. I have noticed that sometimes I forget to respond if its not a direct question, like thanking Sir for unexpected praise. Or sometimes I will comply to his command, but silently. I’ve been working on addressing him every time he commands me to do something, and thanking him when he praises me. Praise embarrasses me a little bit, so I suppose I get shy and quiet, which I’m working to change.

A bit ago, MagnusCattus made a suggestion of having a ritual for when I meet my Sir. That way I’m getting into the correct headspace before we meet, and I’m not working to switch gears once I do finally get to see him. Though I’ve not gotten formal instructions from my Sir, I have developed a mini ritual before I see him.

When possible, I like to take care of my personal appearance before I meet with my Sir. Sometimes, this is not always possible; if I meet him directly after work, I don’t have time to go home and prepare. I should come up with something else for those situations. When I’m home, I like to bathe before we meet. I like to prepare my body for him. Besides getting clean, I shave for him. Typically, I don’t go completely shaven; I usually let it grow a bit and then make a small patch. But his preference is for me to be completely clean shaven down there, and so I comply. Each time I prepare myself for him, I am focused on his desires, and his wants. I am focused on serving him, instead of myself. So in a small way, I am preparing myself mentally as well for meeting him.

This is just one small thing that I’ve noticed that has helped me. What are some things that you do?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Losing Self

Long time…

I feel like I've sort of dropped off the face of the planet. I’ve been working 2 jobs, 6 days a week, often for 12+ hour days. When I am home, I usually just drop into bed. I’m overworked, overtired, stressed, and sick. I don’t know how Sir has been dealing with this lately; he’s been so kind and patient. He’s been my rock.

Our chosen lifestyle has taken a little bit of a backseat lately because all of this. I’m always running, and our time together is very limited. Even so though, he’s been wonderful. It’s amazing to have someone that is there for you. That will order you to sleep, because its what you need, and you’d likely forgo it otherwise. Lately, his Dom role has been mainly in taking care of me. Making sure I sleep, get my work done, and take care of myself. And sometimes, I really need that. A Dom’s role is to take care of his submissive, and I am definitely the kind of person that doesn’t take care of herself all the time. When I am working and trying to get ahead, things slip. I’ll not sleep so I can get things done. As a result, I’ve been a bit of a bear to be around lately, I feel. But Sir can calm that down in a way that others can’t, and I think some of that is due to our dynamic. Some of it is just intrinsically him. I’m not sure when things will calm down in my working world, not for months at least, but I feel much better knowing he is looking out for us.

He keeps me grounded, and keeps me from losing myself. I'm throwing so much of myself into everything and everyone else lately, that sometimes I feel like I'm losing me. He is always there to remind me of who I am, and keep me on the right track.

Thank you, Sir. I love you, and I'm counting down the days until our vacation!

Sunday, October 09, 2011

What Happened to Being Respectful?

Whatever happened to basic politeness and human decency?

Sure, I know many people who do normal courteous things, like saying "please" or "thank you". I know people who open doors for others. But what happens to people when they're dating?

Before I met Sir, I went out on a date with a few men. These men were utterly ridiculous. Rude, miserly, too overtly sexual, outright disrespectful (one man commented on his odds in the room we were in; there were a lot of ladies, and that was his LEAST disrespectful remark of the night).

Whatever happened to getting to know a person before trying a physical relationship? Sir didn't even kiss me until our third or fourth date, and even then it was on the cheek. It made me stop and take notice. He was different than other men. He was completely polite and respectful. He held my hand, he held doors. We went places where we could talk and get to know each other. He was interested in getting to know me as a person. He didn't try to jump into my pants right away.

I'm just thinking about this because I was out with a friend of mine today, and she was telling me about a guy she is seeing. He takes her out on dates. He holds the door for her. He walks her to her door at the end of the night. He finally kissed her on the 6th date. This was freaking her out. "He's being too nice, something must be wrong."

Actually, this guy is being a gentleman and treating a lady as she should be treated. He's trying to get to know her as a person.

How crazy is it that we now live in a society where basic courtesy is something that we stand up and take notice of? Where a man treating a lady with respect is now seen with a bit of suspicion?

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Love and Expectations - Can They Be Meshed?

Can you reasonably attach a love value to a task or expectation? e.g. "If you loved me, you would [blank]..."


"I love you."

"But not enough to remember [blank]...?"

I think in most conventional vanilla relationships, the answer is definitely a blanket "No".

But in a D/s relationship, I think it gets harder.

Upon Googling this issue, I came across some articles discussing this. One of them has some questions to ask.

It seems to me that the problems I'm reading with "If you loved me, you would do X", stem from a perceived inequality in the relationship. There isn't an equal give and take. Someone feels like they're doing more work than another, are not getting what they want/need, etc.

But in a D/s relationship, the parameters are set up differently. One side gives more and the other takes more. Yes, it's not 100% one way or the other ALL the time, but there is an inherent inequality in power and structure.

Another article gives the idea that "If you loved me..." really means that needs aren't being met and a punishment is trying to be given for that to control the situation. Tricky, tricky.

There is a different set of parameters for providing for needs and punishments for bad behaviors that in a vanilla relationship just don't work in the "If you loved me" context.

However despite all that, I still don't believe that it works for a D/s relationship either. It's a tricky situation, because the relationship is set up much differently. But I feel that love is too strong a feeling to be manipulated like that. Especially in a D/s relationship. The feelings are so much more intense that falling from that brings much more hurt. I think it can also be difficult because some of setting up a D/s context is psychological so its a fine line to decide and walk on, one that can really have a bad result. I just don't think a non purposeful negative behavior can healthily be tied into love for another. Obviously if you do something on purpose, that's a different story.

When someone forgets to do something (like remembering to say Sir), it's not because they don't love you enough. Saying so can be very hurtful to the person, especially if they feel they truly do have strong feelings of love. Now the person feels hurt because they're wondering why it's not enough. What could be wrong with them? Why aren't you seeing that they DO love you? Not remembering has nothing to do with love. It just creates a mess for your relationship.

I think its best to avoid tying love for someone into their performance or actions (especially if its not something done purposefully) whether you're in a D/s relationship or not. It can really hurt them and the relationship if not addressed.

Obviously, this issue is something that was prompted by my real life experience. The other night, I didn't say, "Sir" after saying, "I love you, too."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"... but not enough to remember Sir?"

I immediately had an awful reaction.

"But that's not right! I do love you and its not fair!...etc"

The statement was immediately retracted by Sir and he said that it was wrong of him to say that. I began to cry because I do love him. In all honesty, I have such strong feelings for him sometimes that it amazes me. I really never thought that I would feel strongly like this for anyone, ever again. I thought that there was possbily something wrong with me; that I was "broken" because I was just so cynical of relationships, and those feelings wouldn't form. Now, maybe I was just meeting the wrong guys. Or maybe I wasn't getting what I needed as a submissive person to feel fulfilled in these relationships. Either way, this has been such a blessing in my life that to have it questioned just rattled me to the core.

He agreed that to question my love for him in that manner was wrong. It was also a bit of a miscommunication in that he was trying to say something else. I can see why its a tricky situation, but I'm glad we're on the same page now.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Subtle Public Submission

Thinking about the Ren Faire, it's a great place where one living the lifestyle can be a little freer, without anyone being the wiser. The dress typically seen there is such that many BDSM related clothing won't receive a second glance. Plus, I can ask "My Lord" a question, or see how "Sir" is, and no one will bat an eyelash.

Are there other places you can think of where subtle submission is publicly possible without others really being aware of it?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Choices and Setting Up To Fail

Lately I've been wondering about my role, and how one can be set up to fail. Now this intro does sound like I am wondering about how my Sir would set me up to fail, and to an extent, I am thinking about that. But the situation at hand is how I set him up to fail, and if that's even within the scope of my role as his submissive.

Recently, Sir and I went to the Renaissance Faire. I was very excited and we did end up having a good time. A few weeks prior to our going, we were at a party and a friend of mine had just come from the Faire. Sir commented on her attire, saying that it was a very attractive look, and that he'd love to see me wearing something like that. (This made me happy for two reasons; I could absolutely accomplish this, and he wasn't comparing me to this woman, or saying that she was attractive over me, etc).

Now, he didn't realize this at the time, but this particular woman and I have quite a history. Long story short, I have some jealousy issues, I suppose and because of this, I really wanted to knock his socks off at the Ren Faire.

The morning of Faire, I laid some clothes options out on the bed, and I asked Sir to choose for me. I had some corsets, a skirt, some scarves, etc. I also had a tie dye dress that I've worn from him before, which for some reason, I threw into the pile of choices. Out of all the options, this is what he chose. The simplest, most un-sexy, least Ren Faire-like garment of the pile.

Really? I thought. Out of ALL the things laid out, this is what was chosen? Well, I hated this choice, and I didn't really want to wear it, but its what was chosen so I put it on. He must have seen the disappointment on my face, because he asked me what was the matter. He asked me if he had made the wrong choice. I repeated my thoughts. Out everything, this is what you want? He said yes, and so I would wear it. With his prodding, I explained to him how I really wanted to impress him, so this choice makes me feel frumpy and not as good as the other girl he commented on (who was supposed to be at the Faire). He said of course that it was ridiculous, because I am beautiful, and amazing, and not a bitchy like she, and he loves me and not her naturally. I know these things in my head, but I still felt uncomfortable. He said that I could change, but once the choice is made, you really can't. This is what he chose, so this is what I will wear. I asked him to choose, and he did. Going back on the choice now would render it invalid; why even ask? And furthermore, why would I give him a choice that I didn't want to live with? By giving him a choice that would be unacceptable to me, I am setting him up to fail in this task. And this makes me wonder if its even my place to ask him to choose.

It's an odd topic. Giving up choice seems like a great way to display a power shift. Something more that I can give him over me. And yet, when I select the choices, I do have some control over the situation. Giving only choices that I like is a bit manipulative... I get what I want in either case. And yet... now I'm sitting in this dress, feeling awful, and I have to live with it. What does one do in this situation? Now Sir feels bad, because he knows its not what I wanted. He remembered how I said I wanted to really blow him away. Now I don't have that choice, and no matter what I wear, it won't matter. I won't change, because I want to please him, but in doing that, I'm making myself miserable at least until I can get over it. Even if I did change, I'd feel bad because it's not what he wanted. Plus, who do I think I am anyway? Asking Sir to choose and then being upset when he makes the "wrong" choice? Yet, I still feel the same way.

From something that was supposed to be fun and innocuous, came this giant issue for our relationship. What the hell would happen if this choice wasn't over an outfit, but over something really important? It also makes me wonder how Doms feel, and empathize. There is a lot of pressure, I suppose, to set things up right. In one instance, I set my Sir up to fail, he "failed" at a choice I gave him, and no one won. On the other hand, doesn't it serve me right? Or maybe I can think of this as a learning experience.

To rectify matters, we did have fun at the Ren Faire at least, and this weekend is a similar faire in which I believe he's allowing me to finally knock his socks off. I really want to impress him, so hopefully it will set these odd feelings right.

I still don't know what to do about choices however. Is it wrong of me to ask him to choose? Maybe asking for him to choose is okay, as long as I'm not quantifying it? No options, no multiple choice... just fill in the blank.

Friday, September 16, 2011

You Lost What?

I lost my vibrating dildo.


I have no idea where it is.

The other day I had a blissful moment alone. Really alone. No relatives, no roommate, even the cat was off somewhere. I thought this occasion would be a good moment for some me time. So I go to find my toys, and this one is missing.

It's nowhere I would ever usually put it. I emptied out all the drawers. I searched some unusual spots as well. Nothing.

I mean, I've left it out on a RARE occasion, but I've NEVER misplaced it. This is just not the sort of thing one misplaces, you know?

I'm hoping that for some reason Sir has it. He's used it on me before, and I'm hoping that it's in his special bag.

Or barring that, I hope that when it does turn up, I am the one it turns up for, and not the other people that live in this house!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wartenberg Wheel - Take Two

I was a little bit nervous to try using this sex toy again. The last time we used it I had a very adverse reaction. This time, however, was very very different.

After we spoke about what happened the first time we used it (my freaking out), he said that we would try this again. He didn't bring it out for a long while, however, though he had many occasions to do so. I was starting to think that he forgot about it, but maybe he was waiting on me to indicate that I was ready. I finally mentioned something to him, saying that we should try it again. I really didn't want to do that; I feel as though my saying that is giving too much direction. I have a need for him to take more control and lead more when it comes to these things.

That night we finally got to see each other. After a nice evening out, as we're getting ready for bed, he pulls out the Wartenberg Wheel. I almost felt like I didn't want to do this. I felt like my mentioning it lead to us directly using, and that me having too much power, or something like that. So I tried to get out of it, but he decided we were going to do it anyway. I think this was a good decision on his part. If you're going to ask for something, don't complain about getting it, or try to wriggle your way out of it.

Be careful what you wish for.

At first, the entire scene was very...clinical. He would use it on various parts of my body, and ask me how it felt. He also has a bright standing fluorescent light in his room, and the light added to that clinical feel. This time around, however, the sensations were quite pleasant. I think its because he was being much more precise about it. It's got a great use as a tickling device, when used in the right spots, or just very lightly, anywhere. We discovered that I squirm a great deal if its used on my spine, ass, and feet. Pressing hard, you get a bit of a bite, but its pleasant.

Just what the doctor ordered.

From this clinical scene, things changed very quickly. I went from feeling like a patient or test subject to... not. The wheel definitely had a very positive effect on me this time around, because my body was more than ready for sex. Lately, we've been having some issues as the Dirty Old Man is well endowed and sometimes I hurt afterward. Not this time. The tickling, the squirming, the feel of control there... I was definitely feeling it.

Perfect prescription.

I could see this being effective as not only a foreplay toy, or something to get one started on bigger things, but as the entire headliner itself. It's great for beginners, or those that want to dabble with sensations and pain, but not get too hardcore. I wouldn't recommend this product for deep masochists and those looking for a heavier pain. The spikes on the wheel are rounded and probably won't break skin, even with heavy pressing. That being said, I enjoyed this toy greatly, and with this new experience I'm now happy its found a way into our bondage toys bag!

Thank you, Edenfantasys!

Friday, September 09, 2011

Yes, what?


“…Yes, what?”

“Oh…Yes, Sir!”

This is an all-too typical conversation that the Dirty Old Man and I are forced to have nearly every time we’re together.

For the life of me, I just cannot get this to stick. I don’t know why and I’m not sure what to do to get myself to remember this all the time, every time. I guess it’s just not something that I’m used to, and it’s not something that is ingrained in my nature. But it needs to be.

The odd thing is, I like using Sir. I find it to be an appropriate term to show my respect and submission. I also know it pleases him, so doing it pleases me. But I can’t remember to do it every time. Sometimes I don’t even remember to say “Yes”. I’ll say something like, “Mmmhmm” or “Uh huh”. I’ve finally figured out that usually I give a less coherent response if he’s doing something physical to me that I like. But that doesn’t make it okay.

It got to the point this weekend where he was holding me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position asking me questions and I was responding appropriately. At the end of this he asked me, “Are you going to remember this now?”

I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also didn’t want to lie and I know myself. So I had to tell him that no, I would probably forget. I thought, however, that I would at least remember for the duration of this interaction. I was wrong.

He was tying me up and he asked me if there was any chance that I would be able to free myself. I tested it and then I enthusiastically said, “No way”. It wasn’t even plainly said, it was kind of in a singsong type of voice. “Noo waaaay.”

What? He was completely dumbfounded. Gobsmacked. It took him by such surprise, that he just stopped and stared at me in blankness. To make matters worse, I could feel laughter bubbling up inside me at the absurdity of it all. I tried to hold it in, but a few seconds later, it burst from my mouth very forcefully. I guess it was a nervous reaction, because I knew that it wasn’t an appropriate response.

He just said, “What am I going to do with you? I don’t even know what to do with you right now.”

I was very nervous, and a little bit upset, because I knew I had disappointed him. I was disappointed in myself. Why can’t I get this? It’s quite a simple concept. I also expected to be punished. When that didn’t come, I was confused, but I didn’t know if I should bring it up at the time.

The next night, we had a very long talk about what happened. I told him that I at least expected him to remove the bonds, and make me go stand in the corner while he does something that is obviously not paying attention to me, like turning on the TV. Being removed from his attentions, especially when I’ve done wrong is something that really bothers me. I think it could be quite effective, and it had been in the past.

He then said something funny.

“You know, to any ‘normal’ person, a punishment would be to be put in rope. For you, its not being in the rope.”

In a way, this huge gaffe was a bit of a blessing in disguise, because we ended up talking about a lot of things in our relationship. Not that we don’t talk, but I guess we just haven’t had the time to sit and really analyze things. I think I need for him to be more stern. In our daily lives out in the vanilla world, I’m actually quite dominant and while he’s not a follower, he’s not really a leader either. I suppose it’s a bit of a struggle for us sometimes to form the type of relationship that we want and makes us the most happy. But we’re both willing to work on it, and I assured him that I wasn’t just going to get up and leave if things aren’t working out 100% all the time. It’s a learning process and we’re new to this.

So back to “Yes, Sir.” I suggested that to make it stick, I need a more immediate consequence. Not addressing it (and other things) is probably teaching me that I can get away with stuff. And I’m going to test him; it‘s just in my nature (isn‘t it in nearly everyone‘s?). I also think I really need to focus and practice. Whenever we’re alone, even if we’re not directly in that headspace I should just say it. I’m just hoping that doesn’t leak over into our public life.

Does anyone out there have any other suggestions for making it stick? I really want this to work, and it feels like a huge hurdle.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Adverse Reactions & Anxiety

I nearly had a panic attack on Sunday. I haven’t had one in YEARS.

The Dirty Old Man picked something more along the lines of what I would expect for another toy review. A Wartenberg Wheel. On Sunday, he finally tried it out on me. I’ll try to keep the experience of the wheel as limited as possible, to save that for the review. I don’t want this to be sole review, because it wasn’t a defect in the toy that caused me to react this way.

He bound my arms behind my back with very limited motion, and asked me if I knew what was coming next. I didn’t, which surprised him. As my back was turned to him, I heard him fumbling around for something. I really enjoy anticipation like that. Then, I felt something, which I could not really place. Eventually I understood that he had finally taken out the new toy. I found it pleasant at first. Then, he had me turn around to use it on my breasts and nipples. He has a particular fondness for breast and nipple play. Using on my nipples wasn’t so bad, but it did make me extremely nervous. We were testing different pressures, and he began using it pretty intensely (I thought) on my breasts and nipples. I told him that I didn’t like that, though I wasn‘t exactly sure why at the time. He moved on to other areas around my chest. I had to stop him. “Sir... I feel dizzy”.

My heart was pounding in my chest, my lungs were closing up, and I was about 2 seconds from having a full blown panic attack. I used to have anxiety episodes pretty frequently, but over time, sans medication, I have learned to control them through breathing and my own thoughts, and I haven’t had one in a really long time. When I informed him of my state, he immediately stopped everything and just held me, which was what I needed, I think. I got really upset however, and started to cry. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had disappointed him, by not being strong enough to handle this. By forcing him to cut this experience short. After I had calmed down a bit, he told me that he wasn’t disappointed in me at all. My safety and well being was of utmost importance to him, and he was glad that I had told him what I was feeling. He said that it was his job to take care of me, and if he wasn’t, well then… why was he here?

I was happier, and I felt better. I told him that I didn’t want to stop what we were doing. He wisely chose something else other than the wheel - The chopsticks, which I usually really like. But that day, I just couldn’t handle it. Ten seconds in, it was clear to him that I was done. I think it was more clear to him than it was to me; I really wanted to try and power through it. In the end I’m glad he made this choice for me, however. I did get really upset again for not being able to handle things again, and cutting things short, but he reassured me. He held me and we cuddled. I required that closeness to calm down; it made me feel safe. When I was ready, we coupled, which was what I needed. To still feel worthy, and desirable, and to feel that I could still do something for him.

Having this reaction really scared me. It’s the first time I’ve ever really freaked out on him. At first I really didn’t understand it, since I did like the sensations of the wheel, and I know it won‘t cut me, and I trust my D.O.M. But thinking about it, I think it was the idea of piercing that got to me. I know logically that this toy is not really designed to break skin (and it didn’t). But in the sensitive area of my breasts and nipples, I think I was afraid that I was going to be cut, or pierced, which plays into my needle phobia a bit. After I was already nervous, having it around my chest just heightened my anxieties. I think I feared that I would be cut near my chest, which I know logically won’t happen, but most of my actual fears are usually illogical. I have anxieties about my heart. When I first started having panic attacks about ten years ago, it was always centered on my heart: having a heart attack, or disease, fibrillating, etc (which was usually triggered by something else, but that‘s how it would manifest). I learned to calm myself down by breathing and just focusing on my pulse. So having the toy so close to my heart and chest after becoming anxious probably just made it worse.

Despite all this, I feel so thrilled that I have such a wonderful Dom as I do. I feel like he made all the right choices in this situation, and really helped me to stay calm, and safe, despite myself. We talked about it, and I would like to try this toy again, but with this knowledge in mind. We can avoid the trigger areas, perhaps, and have a safe, and fun experience.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

BSDM in Songs

I have been hearing BDSM in songs everywhere. I actually have a Project Playlist with songs that I personally find relevant, or get me feeling or thinking about my Dom or submission, but I’ve had to dig to find those. Now, on my drive to work, I constantly hear pop songs that have heavy BDSM themes. It makes me think: how acceptable is this lifestyle becoming?

I tend to think of myself as more of an alt rock girl, but pop is… well, popular. If there are a lot of BDSM themes in this music, does that reflect the times? In a way I’d like to think so, but for most people, I think they’re just playing at it. It’s one thing to be coy and make jokes and hint about being kinky. It can be seen as flirtatious or outgoing, or perhaps desirable. It’s fine to have a night exploring something. But the reality of it? I don’t think most people actually realize what it’s like. Many of the same people who blast Rihanna’s S & M in their car would probably look aghast at what the Dirty Old Man and I get up to, emotionally, symbolically, and of course, sexually. I don't think they would accept the reality of us.

Of course, I could be dead wrong, and there are probably a lot more people who are into TTWD than I realize. I also wonder if I am noticing more BDSM in songs because there are actually more of those themes in the songs being made, or because I am more aware of this lifestyle now. Am I unconsciously (or actively) looking more for this sort of thing?

What are some of your favorite BDSM related songs? Either explicit and obvious, or more subtle to those in the know? Here’s the very first song I put into my play list: Muse - Undisclosed Desires. Maybe I can add more!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Blindfolds and Blowjobs

I think everyone has the tendency to plan and picture something out in their head before it actually happens. It’s usually either the best of outcomes or the worst, never actual reality. It took me a while before I would actively think about what being blindfolded for him would be like. I’m aware that out of a list of kinks, being blindfolded is quite vanilla. However, I wanted to write about real life and how realities set in. Usually, when I would imagine these scenarios, I would be bound. I would be servicing him, or he would be doing unseen things to me, and it always ended in a nice clean fashion, all smiles (at least at the very end).

The first time he blindfolded me (awhile ago) started off very nice. I was eager as this was new territory for us, and sometimes I think I am a little bit greedy for his attentions. I had time to revel in my sight being taken away. I could take in all the sounds. I would try to anticipate what would be coming. When it came to servicing my Dirty Old Man, I was happy. I wondered how it would be different than usual. I did not consider, however, how it would be exactly the same.

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to fellatio. It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s not even that sometimes my neck and mouth get tired. I like doing it. I enjoy making my partner feel good, and this act is a wonderful form of service that often makes me feel quite submissive. When I get tired, I do my best to continue and concentrate on him, though I think I need a bit more practice. It’s also a bit of a turn on for me. My actual problem - it’s the big finish.

I hate semen.

I hate the way it tastes. I hate its somewhat sudden arrival into my mouth. And most of all, I hate its texture. It’s like someone has just hawked a giant loogie into my mouth. I think it’s the texture that really kills it for me. It makes me gag. Every. Single. Time. I’m trying to work on controlling my reactions, but I don’t think I’ve made much progress lately. My big step was being able to take ejaculate in my mouth. Usually, I would just finish using my hands. But since that milestone, I’ve not been able to progress.

So, as all good things come to an end, the Dirty Old Man and I are finishing up. I know it’s coming. I am mentally preparing myself. I was able to handle the past few times really well at the end. This time will be fine, right?


Despite myself, I started gagging, which for the first time, turned to a little bit of vomiting. No problem, I’ll just hop right up to the garbage, or run right into the bathroom. Oh wait, I can’t see a damn thing, and now I’m panicking and tripping a bit. I believe my hands were also bound behind me at the time; I couldn’t take the blindfold off. The Dom caught on and helped me out, but I ended up being extremely embarrassed. I felt disgusting and I was worried that I ruined what should have been a pleasurable experience for him. I think I even cried a bit.

Now, I can laugh a little while thinking about it. I think about how silly I must have looked with puffed up chipmunk cheeks doing a circular dance and tripping. But the reality of something doesn’t always mesh with expectations.

Since then I’ve had other chances to be blindfolded that have balanced out this occasion. I find the Dirty Old Man to be very creative and inventive at times. The most recent instance involved my metal nail file of all things. It was lovely, and made me want to continue exploring loss of this sense.

I think it’s just important to think more about Risk Management. Follow Murphy’s law, and try your best to be prepared. Sometimes there are situations that you wouldn’t have considered, but believe me, since that experience, we’re ready for this situation every time. Sometimes no one can teach you as well as life experience. There really isn’t a manual or a Google prompt for this sort of thing!

Monday, August 01, 2011

First Review: EdenFantasys Pocket Rocket Vibrator

Since entering this blog world, I’ve seen some great reviews on other blogs of sex toys and other items from time to time, usually from EdenFantasys. I’ve also heard loads of good things about them as a company in general. So when I was approached for their review program, I was delighted and flattered.

I thought that this would be a neat activity for The Dom and me. He would pick out the items for us to try, and then we’d have fun trying them and sharing with others. This seems to be working out fairly well, with the issue of time. We’ve not yet had the time to try this item together since it arrived, so for this review, it’s mainly me going solo.

When the item first arrived, I was pleased to see that it was in very discreet nondescript packaging. I know that it was supposed to come in this manner, but my nervous nature was still worried about nosy neighbors. “Did you see what the girl from 2G got delivered?” Major bonus points to keep that aspect of my life private.

So, what was the first thing the Dom chose out of all the sex toys available?


The Doc Johnson Black Magic Pocket Rocket.

What a gorgeous little package…

I was a little bit surprised by his choice; I thought he’d go for something more bondage or sensory related. Though thinking about it, I can understand it.

I don’t really use toys. When I feel the urge, I do best with my imagination and my own two hands. I do own ONE sex toy, which I barely use, and even that wasn’t acquired solely by me. When I turned 21, my cousin decided that it was time for newly single Lea to put on her big girl pants and obtain a sex toy, probably as some rite of passage (hitting a bar wouldn't have been novel experience for us at all - we start early in our family). We left our Manhattan apartment (and by left, I mean she dragged me by the arm), down to St. Mark’s Place, where we selected our item. Said item has been in a drawstring bag almost constantly ever since.

The Dom likes it when I am sexually satisfied. He said that for him, the whole orgasm denial thing doesn’t make sense. He WANTS me to climax for him. That being said, I am admittedly a hard nut to crack. When I do cum for him, it’s almost by surprise each time; when I‘m just enjoying us together and not wrapped up in trying (Though, once, in a very assertive tone, he demanded that I cum for him, and damn if that didn’t do the trick! I just worry about that not working a second time, getting overused etc). So, typically, when I’m actively trying hard for him, it eludes me. Recently, he bound me and got out my poorly used toy, and had good success! I’m thinking he’s got plans for this newer and better model. My current/old toy could have been manufactured by Crayola. It’s hard, unforgiving bright red plastic. Also, not very discreet. I was babysitting a few years ago and the kid found it in my drawer. She was using it as a sword when I came in with her snack. I was gone 2 minutes!

En Garde!

Back to the new. Upon opening it, my first impression was that it was smaller than I expected. Well duh, Lea, it IS a POCKET rocket. The second thing I thought was that it was lovely to the touch. It has a very velvety exterior that is very pleasing. I actually enjoyed just touching it for the sake of touching it. I even had my roommate touch it, just because it was that nifty.

Stroke me! You know you want to!

As for its use, initially I was a bit scared. Like I mentioned before, I don’t use sex toys, usually I just use my hands. For the one I do own, though it has a vibrating feature, I rarely ever used it. I don’t know if it’s because I was afraid I’d not like “real” sex, or because it was quite loud, or for some other reason, but I avoided that feature constantly, up until the Dom used it on me.

I gathered my big girl courage, and twisted the body to turn it on. It is… amazingly quiet. As for using it - Good Lord it packs a punch, at least for this girl. I went from indifferent to on the edge of orgasm in seconds. Where I hovered. And hovered. And hovered. Eventually I got frustrated, and finished myself off in a more traditional way. I refused to let that be it though. Over the next week or so, I would try many more times, and I became much more successful, having some very powerful experiences. I think because I never use vibrators, my body was just not used to the sensation, and though amazingly intense, it just couldn’t go over the edge at first. The tip has little protrusions on it that really feel like they’re gripping you in all the right places. I didn’t even realize that the cap came off until the Dom got to see the toy (How silly of me)! He did briefly use it on my nipples which was… interesting. I hope to explore more of that later. I’ll have to try all this again with the cap off, though perhaps I’ll save that pleasure for his use; he’s got to have something to try with what he picked, right?

How could I have this for all that time and not known the cap comes off?!

So, all in all, I really like this toy. It has a lovely exterior, an intense buzz, it’s very quiet, and the interchangeable cap will probably make for different experiences. The only downside that both the Dom and I saw was that it only has one setting. But EdenFantasys has loads of pocket rocket vibrators with different interchangeable heads, textures, settings.. There’s even a Hello Kitty vibrator!

EdenFantasys, thanks for the lovely experience!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Say It

"You are beautiful."

"I am beautiful."

"You are wonderful."

"I am wonderful."

"You are lovely."

"I am lovely."

"You. Are. Mine."

"I am yours."

Monday, July 18, 2011


I experienced a very odd moment for me a few weeks ago. I was with The Dom, just enjoying his company, and doing my very level best to please him in any and every way of which I could think. I suppose I was doing an extraordinary job, because his response was so unusual and uninhibited, especially for him. I became extremely giddy off of it. I felt… powerful. I don’t think I was in the correct submissive state of mind. Yes, I wanted to please and service him, but at the same time, it was such a heady feeling to know that *I* was the one producing such a reaction from him, that it was *me* who could get him to be this way.

I’ve read similar situations to this in countless trite stories, and because of that I pushed these ideas off as silly. It was interesting to actually experience it, and see the grain of truth in other people’s words. It’s also something I’d want to be a bit careful of; my reaction was to express and acknowledge that power in a way that was not befitting a submissive person, through my words and my actions. My intent was still to please, but the manner and dynamic had changed completely.

Though it was an interesting experience, I really don’t think I *WANT* to switch. I’m hoping it was a one-off thing. I honestly wouldn’t really know what to do with myself, or with him after those moments, to be honest. I usually leave that to him. Still, knowledge is worth having, and since we’re not worse off for it, it’s all good in the end I suppose.

Have any of you ever experienced a moment like this? Especially if you typically think of yourself as submissive only? How did it come about, and what did you do with the knowledge?

Friday, June 17, 2011

I Love Rope

Goodness I’ve been busy. I took some time off to go on vacation (which was wonderful!), finished up my old job (today), and my new job starts on Monday. In the middle of all that insanity though, with the Dom I’ve had a realization.

I. Love. Rope.

Honestly, rope is just amazing. The way it’s restrictive and binding, the way it slides around your skin, the aesthetic; it’s just incredible. I love being tied up! There’s so many things you can do with it, and it creates a really personal and intimate feeling in different ways.

The Dom put me in my first hogtie recently, and it was just fantastic. He didn’t let me know what he was planning to do; he just gave me instructions. I really liked that. It was very enjoyable to listen to the quiet, yet assertive sound of his voice telling me what to do and complying. I was face down as he went to work on me. It was driving me crazy having him so close, pressing into me at times, while the rope would lightly slap my skin (which I love) as he completed his ties. Finally he connected my legs to my arms and the pieces clicked into place. I’m surprised it took me so long to realize what his intentions were, but I really enjoyed the anticipation. I loved being so restrained, the squirming - I really indented the rope into my skin with all my struggling, leaving rope indents on my limbs, which I found pleasing. I had some mobility in this tie; I was able to get onto my feet. A practical note however - remember that you CAN’T stand up when on your feet/knees. I know that sounds obvious; but I would just forget, and I actually tried standing up, unthinkingly, and went falling, crashing onto the floor/furniture. That certainly killed the mood, even though it was sort of funny. He was able to save the situation though, and got me back where I belonged.

A different but lovely experience is hair bondage. He loves my long hair, and I’m continuing to grow it out. Binding it is a different from a hogtie, or the other ties we’ve tried but it’s also a very close experience that I cherish. I will calmly sit at his feet as he intricately wraps my hair. I loved having my hair touched, so it’s very pleasant. It’s also a very intimate and personal thing to have someone touch your hair, and it’s something that I feel brings a new closeness to us; I feel very connected to him. It’s also very aesthetically appealing. The weight of the rope is heavy on my head, but I like it; wearing it for him. I get enjoyment knowing that he finds it pleasing, and the weight is like a bit of a reminder of him, wherever we go. When we go into public, this is one of the things we can do. It's exhilarating being "out there", yet it could just be a funny hairstyle to some.
Smaller Rope Hair Bondage.

Thicker rope hair bondage. You can also see the Big Bad Monster Collar. It's huge!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Fears of Being Too Open

Today, I see a message in one of my Fetlife groups about an upcoming event. The poster seemed very familiar to me, so I checked out her profile. Turns out, I have met her a few times in real life, at a few vanilla parties and such.

I was excited to have recognized someone (there are only 2 people on my account that I actually know) and was extremely close to sending a friend request when I had a moment of not-quite panic.

How well do I know this person? Is there the potential for this to somehow come back and bite me in the ass?

I try to keep my kinky life pretty separate from my vanilla life. People are just not understanding about this sort of thing. I chose to share this side of myself with my best friend, and even she really doesn’t get it, and it’s actually been pretty difficult between us at times as a result. So, I’m cautious. I’m also mindful of the people out there who have had enormous difficulties in their professional and personal lives because they’d been “outed”. I’m not as concerned about personal contacts being aware as I am for my professional life. Yes, it would bother me if certain people knew of my proclivities. It’s very personal, and it’s just not their business. Yes, it would suck. I would be lying if said that I don’t have some kind of shame/embarrassment issues attached to my wants and desires (and it was pretty difficult for me to admit that just now), so for the world to know, that would be awful. It’s also not something I would want to have to explain to, say, my mother or father for example. That’s just awkward and embarrassing. But, my family and friends would either accept it or get over it. Those that didn’t could step to the side, because they’re obviously not people I’d want to associate with.  So, it would bother me more if it affected my career, because it has a greater potential for damage at this time. For my employer, or potential employers to be privy to this information… the thought actually makes my belly tighten with anxiety.

I stopped just before sending this person a friend request because I thought there was the potential for them to somehow out me and negatively impact my life, because they know my real identity. Now, this is definitely hugely unfair to this person. In all likelihood, this person has no interest in doing any such thing, and I’m being pretty egotistical to think that they have nothing else better to do with their life than to destroy mine. It’s also sad to say that I was thinking that someone else who follows this lifestyle, who should understand the stigmas and difficulties attached at times would go out of their way to hurt someone in this lifestyle as well.

And yet… I still can’t bring myself to click on that little button.

Should I?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Possible Nipple Piercing Solution

Mention something and the devil will appear… If only all the little issues in my life worked in such a way.

Last night, after I wrote my long overdue post about an aversion to piercing nipple rings (among other things), I log into FetLife, and lo and behold, this is what I see waiting for me in the right column:

Non Piercing Nipple Rings.

I feel like the fates placed that ad there just for me. I clicked on it, naturally, and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. There were LOTS of products offered, and there were more than what I would have thought about initially. Things that will hang down, things that you could potentially attach a chain to, chains themselves even. I will share this with The Dom (I‘ve mentioned it already, but I forgot the website name at the time). I hope he is pleased by this solution. I suppose it’s a compromise of sorts. I would be so thrilled to be able to be pleasing to him, and to accomplish his specific goals with the nipple rings. And he wouldn’t have to push me into a place where he doesn’t think I should go.

A fitting solution, right?

Possessives and Breast Play

How do you feel about referring to your body parts in the possessive of your partner? Or vice versa? I used to think it was pretty odd. It’s not that I disapproved of the idea per se, it was more that it can get pretty confusing and awkward in practice, especially if referring to unisex anatomy. Referring to “your ass” is a lot more confusing than “your breasts” for heterosexual couples. Yet a couple of weeks ago I made a comment to the tune of “here is your finger back” (He was holding my fingers and stopped to let me scratch an itch, or something like that). It wasn’t something I thought about, it was just something I said. It has stuck in my brain as soon as it came out of my mouth. I suppose I am starting to think of myself as belonging more to him.

Today, we were having a conversation about nipple piercing, which I really don’t think I could handle. I think the aesthetic could be nice, but I really don’t think I could manage the needle aspect. However, I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, I would try and work on it. It’s not an unreasonable request. It’s not a tattoo, or extremely permanent marking. I could always take the rings out. Though its not something he wishes to put me through (and I can’t say I’m not a bit relieved), I did express the feeling that, essentially, they’re his breasts, and if he wants piercings in them, I should at least try to work on that. In my head, I guess am thinking more along the lines of him claiming me, so that should be a good thing.

I still find my needle aversion a bit odd. I can plan and sit through a tattoo, but nipple piercings make my stomach flip. I don’t know if its just the idea of the needles, or the fear of the pain, or some combination of the unknown. I have come to find that I don’t hate nipple pain. It’s actually something I’ve come to enjoy. When asked (and I seem to always set myself up to reveal extra information), I expressed the desire to have my nipples pinched hard. It’s something I find myself wanting after he’s started to play. So it cannot be just the pain that is causing the fear.

I always get a little bit nervous when I’m about to reveal something about myself, like expressing the nipple pinching desire. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I end up giving him all this extra information. Or I say something that will cause him to seek this extra information, which I will of course end up giving. I end up getting nervous because I suppose that I am afraid that I will be… boring. I guess I feel like my wishes or desires will not be up to par. I also get nervous because I feel like I’m giving him little weapons that he will later use against me (though I usually end up enjoying it). I know I shouldn’t really think in those terms, as he is definitely NOT the enemy, but I always think about how this information will later be used.

A bit ago, I took a big step in this regard. I gift-wrapped a pair of clothes pegs for him to use on me, as I know he really enjoys breast play. I was  nervous. It was one thing to talk and give him information that could later be used against me, but another to physically hand him a weapon of my own volition, with forethought. But as usual, he was wonderful about it, and I didn’t even hate the use of them on me… as long as he was the one doing the applying. I tested it out on myself first, with less than stellar results (got to test the weapon before gifting it, right?). I just don’t have the same finesse. There’s just a way about him that really sweeps me off my feet. He puts a lot of forethought into everything he does, so usually my fears are at ease before we try anything new. He talks to me about it first, and he never just springs anything on me. By the time it comes for practice,  its all settled into my head, and I’m usually waiting it to happen. Wanting.

I’ve not been disappointed.  I hope I don’t disappoint him.

Monday, April 25, 2011

It's Not So Scary, Actually...

We’ve been talking about the use of a collar, and what that would entail. We agreed that anything locking and permanent for daily wear would be something to reserve for a very long term commitment, i.e. marriage. But something removable, used just for us, I would be more or less okay with incorporating into our relationship now. For the future, we’ve talked about a rule being that when I come into our home, my collar would be in a drawer near the door, and I am to put it on immediately upon entering, given that we have privacy/accepting guests. I also like this idea. I like the appeal of wearing it for him. I also like that it could serve as a great way to get my head back into the right frame of mind. Where I work, I am generally the Queen Bee in my room. I make a lot of decisions for people, and I am pretty dominant, because I have to be. I think the ritual of putting the collar on every day will remind me of what my frame of mind should be. Only he should be the one to remove it. This was something I actually felt pretty strongly about.

We recently spent nearly 2 days together, one of which was just hanging around in Manhattan. One of our stops was to Purple Passion, which I definitely recommend - the people were very nice and friendly, but they weren‘t overly clingy, and didn‘t make you feel uncomfortable in the shop. They allowed you your space to look around and make your selections, and they were also very helpful if you did have questions. I was a bit nervous going into the shop at first, but that soon dissipated. I was also pleased by the overall selection; it wasn't just toys, or just clothes, or just bondage gear. There were a variety of sections for clothing, there was a book section, rope, bondage implements, and more. All in all, I was pleased.

When we first mentioned the use of a collar, I initially pictured something in my head that was probably a half inch thick, definitely no larger than ¾ inches. Over time, I definitely got the feeling that for The Dom, that really just wasn’t going to cut it. And indeed, when we were in the store, the one that appealed to him most (and the one that we did bring home with us) was this big giant monster of a collar (at least, that’s what it looked like to me)! Just eyeballing it, it seems to be at least two inches thick, which for me, seems HUGE (I also don’t have a very long neck). It’s also black leather, and has three o-rings on it! Just looking at it, I was seriously intimidated. We also went home with some ankle cuffs, and we would have gone home with wrist cuffs as well, but there weren’t any at the time that The Dom really liked. We might have to go back to obtain them (or I might be sent to retrieve them, as I live significantly closer to the shop, and he gets a kick out of my having to obtain and carry the “implements of my torture”).

Later, he made an opportunity for me to really try it out, and I was so pleasantly surprised! The collar itself is much more comfortable than I would have imagined. There is padding on the inside, and it's made so the leather is soft on the inside. He finally told me to have a look at myself in the mirror, and I was shocked. I really liked the way that I looked in it! It made me feel like he was claiming a little bit more of me, and vainly, it was just aesthetically pleasing. The ankle cuffs were also extremely comfortable, as they were similarly constructed. He informed me that the reason we didn’t go home with wrist cuffs, is because he didn’t like the construction of what was available, and we‘ll wait for the ones that are constructed like the others to be shipped. He wants them to be functional, and pleasing to his eye, but he also wants them to be comfortable for me. I was really touched inside! I know that it shouldn’t shock me that my comfort and safety should be important to him, but little touches like this really do get to me. They make me feel important, and treasured, and just… cherished. Valued. He does have a knack for making me feel special, and this just magnifies that.

So, despite being initially intimidated and scared of the big bad collar, I think I’m going to quite like it! I’m actually looking forward to the next time that I’ll get to wear it for him.

Saturday, April 09, 2011


I remember reading something either on oatmeal girl’s blog, or perhaps in some of her comments (or both) that has recently started to make a bit of sense to me. An idea can be presented to her by the sadist, and over time it will take root in her head, until she is wanting it.

It’s one of my issues that I am not very forthcoming about my desires. It’s not that I don’t have any, because I do. It’s just hard for me to express the few ones that I do have. I feel that I have to be presented with an idea to really have time to process it and let it take root in my mind. It’s much harder for me to think of something that I would like on my own, especially if it’s out of my experience (which is very limited).

There have been some things that The Dom has mentioned to me, for the eventual future. Things that, while in no way did they repulse me, at the time, they really didn’t do anything for me either. I was definitely willing to explore these things, especially for him, but that was about it.

Now, as time goes on, I am starting to think more and more about these previously mentioned ideas, and they are rapidly gaining appeal, to the point where I am now just … waiting for it to happen. Wanting. Wondering, "when will the time come"? The seed has been planted, and now it’s starting to germinate. And I want to harvest the crop.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Innocence and Safe Words

We joke from time to time about our age difference (which is actually nothing really, just 5 years). He calls himself a “dirty old man”. Yesterday, I asked The Dom, “If you’re a dirty old man, what does that make me?”

“An innocent young girl.”

I initially scoffed at this. Innocent? Young? Me? Really?! I’m well past the age to be considered a “young girl”. And as for innocent… well I should think that ship has sailed by now.

And yet…yes.

Yes, I am an innocent young girl. I thrive on being in that role. I have a need to be seen as innocent, and inexperienced (which I am). I don’t want to take the lead. I don’t want to be the one to do the pursuing, most often. I don’t want to admit to some of my desires. I want to be the corruptee, not the corrupter. And sometimes, I want to be coerced. Persuaded, or “forced” into doing something that I likely want to do already, but I just don’t want to admit it.

This is why the word “no” is not adequate enough for me to be a safe word. I know that some people argue about safe words, and their necessity in certain relationships. Relationships where your Dominant should know you enough that it’s either not necessary, or you both don’t feel that your submission should have a safe word attached, or else it’s not true submission.

I’m not one of those people. At least, not right now. Not certain of the future. Where I am, and where we are, we feel a safe word is necessary. We’re new. We’re getting to know each other. We don’t know my limits. I don’t even have any inkling on what they might be, since they‘ve never been tested. So, I have a safe word. And it makes me feel… safe. It makes me feel more secure in our explorations. The fact that The Dom was so adamant about my having one, now, and no matter where this goes also made me feel a lot more secure, since my well-being is obviously important to him.

So I can continue being his innocent young girl.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Epiphanies and Revelations

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. While trying on a dress in a fitting room, I was waiting for my roommate to come over and give me her opinion. Absentmindedly, I was fiddling with the dress while waiting, and a few moments later, I look down to see that I had bound myself into this dress (It is a wraparound dress that has long pieces of fabric to tie the wrap together). I was immediately amused, but it also made me realize that I always do this. Even as a kid, I would toy with ropelike fabrics, or just fabrics in general, and bind myself into them in different ways. I never really considered it part of this journey before, but I suppose that’s more because it was not something that I had remembered. It was such an “Aha!” moment that I feel like a bit of the puzzle has fallen into place. I recently engaged in a tiny bit of bondage, and I enjoyed it immensely. I can’t imagine that NOT being part of this life, and even when I would think about it previously, it was always a component in my mind.

Another revelation I had a few weeks ago concerns reactions and how you can be surprised by them. I am a thinker. I usually consider how something will go before I agree to do it, or in preparation for something that I think might happen. As such, I usually consider how I would feel about something. My actual reactions to things usually match up with my expected reactions, but on this instance, they didn’t match up. As we were leaving a restaurant, the man that I’ve been seeing (I really need to come up with a name for him) held me by the wrist as we left. It was something that I was expecting, and something we were talking about previously. I thought that I would be fine with it; that I would be calm, or feel submissive, but that’s not really what happened. I suppose you can definitely say I was feeling submissive in that moment, but I was also very anxious and nervous. It took me some time to analyze it, but I felt like I was in trouble. Initially, I likened it to feeling like a small child, but that wasn’t quite accurate. I felt as though I had done something improper or displeasing, and that I was about to be taken to task. We talked about it, and it will definitely have its use for the future, but I wonder about the reactions of others.

How do you feel when your significant other takes you by the wrist? Or, if you are one that is doing the wrist-taking, what is your usual intent or purpose?

Monday, February 21, 2011

We Are Those People

What a great weekend.

I had a really fantastic date on Friday. It was simple and wonderful, filled with over 5 hours of just…talking. This is actually what I wanted; more time to just be together and really get to know each other better. I felt a little bit nervous in confiding some things to him; things about both my life in general and my kinks initially, but I feel that honesty is really important, especially in a relationship, so I decided to take that risk. He handled things so well, and I’m glad that I was able to trust him a little bit. It’s a step in the right direction.

He was also very sweet, yet enticing while trying to prevent me from playing with my hair out of nervousness. It was a great reason to take my hands, and I was positively charmed. It also allowed me to get a small glimpse of what that side of our relationship might be like, which definitely alleviated some of the anxiousness I had in that regard. At the end of the night, he kissed me softly on my cheek, which I felt was so totally the right thing to do; it’s like he lifted it right out of my mind since I was planning on doing the same.

Saturday was Wicked Faire. I hadn’t gone since 2008, I think. I had a really nice time. It was great to see how big the event has become. I also liked that there was an opportunity to explore some new ideas through demos and classes without feeling like I was putting myself out there too much. I can be amazingly anxious when it comes to exploring this side of myself. I am also very conscious of my role as a government employee, and I’m always thinking about that when I put myself out there. I went to a really neat whip demo. It really opened my eyes a lot into that type of play; it’s not at all what I imagined it to be like, and I think I'd like to try it one day. The Japanese ropework demo was also very interesting. It made me really want to learn (and re-learn) some ties, though my interest is more in being the bottom. It also made me feel more comfortable about possibly going to the Jersey Rope Experiment meetings, though I’d likely wait until I had a partner to go with. I also went to the Predicament Bondage workshop, which put a lot of neat ideas in my head.

While we were on our way to the rope demo, my friend says to me, “You know, Lea, I’m surprised; you don’t really seem at all like the type of person that would be into this”.

“Why not?”

“… I don’t know. You’re just so dominant in your own life that I would never have guessed this to be a part of you”.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that he felt that way. I’ve known him for years, but never really discussed this side of myself with him. It just so happened that we were at this event together, so he got to see a bit of it. It’s odd, because my date also said something a bit similar about me on Friday. But I think you really can’t judge a book by its cover. You usually can’t just look at people and know what they’re into, unless they’re trying to broadcast it. There’s no one type for this sort of thing, or for other interests either. Even I make snap judgments still. When we first got there, as we were parking, I made a comment about the parade of weird people converging on this hotel.

Then I said, “What am I talking about? We are those people.” 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Owning My Submission

I can’t remember where I saw this, but I was reading a blog where the author was talking about how she feels more submissive when she writes. I think I agree. When I don’t write, I feel like I’m losing ground on progress. I let “real life” get in the way. I don’t like to use the term “real life” because I hope that one day, my submission WILL be part of my real life, instead of the life I keep locked up.

I also think that I feel better when I write because I’m “owning” my submission, and actively thinking about it. I’ve met up with that certain man a couple more times, but we’ve been keeping it pretty vanilla. Sometimes I wonder if it will be difficult to attain the dynamic we both want, but other times, I can see it being so … well, not easy. Submission is not easy, but I suppose I can see it working for us. I suppose I just wish I was a bit more farsighted as to where things will go between us.

When I find myself feeling as though I’m taking a step back, instead of a step forward, I try to immerse myself with things that make me more conscious of this journey, and where I hope it will go. Besides articles and blogs, I take inspiration from other media, like music, or even fanfiction. I’m actually a big Harry Potter geek, and I read loads of fanfiction. My particular favorite pairing is Severus Snape/Hermione Granger. It was the first real pairing I was interested in, and it’s never waned. The reason why I’m bringing this up is to share a D/s themed fanfiction. I don’t think it’s my ideal, per se, but I really enjoyed this story, and I hope you do too!

If you read it on Ashwinder, you must be a member (which is free!) to see the story. You can also read it on without signing up, but chapter 8 was taken down.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Doing It Vanilla

Recently while out on a date with a man I’ve been talking to on a kink-friendly website, he made a comment about how we were “doing this vanilla” i.e., our date. I remarked that this was good, because I know no other way to do it. And indeed, how else would one do a first date, regardless of circumstances?

A date is still a date, no matter what type of relationship is desired. You’re still getting to know one another; still figuring out if you’d be a good match. Personally, I don’t handle a first date (or first few dates) with someone with kinky interests any differently than I do with someone I meet in a vanilla fashion. I meet them in a public place. I want to have time to talk with them. Someone I know and trust knows where I am, who I am with, and they will call or text to be assured of my safety. At the end of the date, I go home. Alone.

The only real difference between initial vanilla dates, and kink related dates, is that I am a bit more open on a kink date. I am willing to talk more candidly about things that in a vanilla setting, I would keep to myself longer. As long as the discussion remains respectful, I see no problem with this. If it is more a “likes/dislikes” or “past experiences” discussion rather than “here is what you must do”, then these types of discussions on a kink date are acceptable to me. I think that because of the nature of the relationship most are ultimately seeking, on a kinky date it is actually better to discuss some of those things up front.

I also find that many people don’t understand this concept of “getting to know you”, especially in a kink related setting. They are unable to be up front about their interests yet still be respectful. Just because I’m seeking a relationship outside the norm, does not mean common sense or decency doesn’t apply. I am not going to meet you at your apartment. I am not going to call you Sir or Master, or engage in any type of physical activity with you. I. Do. Not. Know. You. We have no relationship as of yet. Just because it is my wish to submit doesn’t mean I want to submit to ANYONE. Nor does it necessarily make me weak, stupid, or promiscuous.

So, I don’t think that vanilla dating and kink-related dating are really separate things. I employ the same amount of sense to ensure my safety, while getting to know someone new. I’m not really sure how other people would do it though. What actually constitutes a kinky date, as opposed to a vanilla one? Does anyone else have a different experience, or ideas about dating? Are there different protocols you use for kinky dates than on vanilla ones?

Thursday, January 20, 2011


I’ve been talking with a man that I met on a kink dating website for about a month now, and we met up recently. He’s been a perfect gentleman, which is a refreshing change from how others approach me, vanilla or not. He’s also been very respectful, even when we’ve been discussing our non-vanilla interests. I’ve been spending some time lately thinking more about my interests and limits, hoping they’d mesh well with his interests. What are the things that I really won’t do? I thought I had it covered. No feces, urine, or blood play, which is pretty commonplace. Those were my hard limits. There are other things that I’m not really interested in, but probably could be persuaded to engage in, with the right time, training, and atmosphere. There are also probably loads of things people can do that I’m just wholly unaware about, and the more time I spend educating myself and talking to others, the more my eyes are opened to the variety of this world.

I’ve been spending time finding some blogs that I could relate to, written by people like me. This was really hard for me initially; which is part of the reason I started writing here. I’d been lurking around for months before I actually set fingers to the keyboard. Since then, I’ve actually come across a few that I thought were well written and introspective. I like reading the thoughts of other people that are going through a similar experience, rather than a manual or other books; it’s more real to me. Recently, I saw a post from Intelligent Submission that I found fascinating.

Needle play.

What caught my eye initially was the photograph. I had such an internally violent, stomach flipping reaction that it surprised me. When confronted with the idea of fecal play, though I find it utterly disgusting, repulsive, and in no way would I ever want participate in such activities, I don’t feel like a sense of wrong is visibly fighting its way through my body.

Admittedly, I have a bit of a needle phobia, but I thought I had taken good measures to lessen it. When I was younger, there was one occasion where it took four nurses to forcibly hold me down just to get an injection. Over time, I was able to control my reactions. I would sit relatively calmly and allow bloodwork to be done, though I was freaking out internally. I’ve gotten better. Currently, I am even a regular blood donor. Since my blood type is O negative, they call me a lot in times of need. I even got my ears pierced. I’ve got two holes in each earlobe, plus a cartilage piercing in my right ear. I thought the cartilage piercing would help me overcome this phobia tremendously. I reasoned that if I could willingly allow myself to be pierced with needles, for something recreational and not medical, I would get over it. My next and ultimate step was to get a tattoo, which I’ve done. I’d thought about getting a tattoo for ages, but not only as a tool for overcoming my phobia. I had an idea that I sat on for a good three years before I went ahead and put it on my body. After getting the tattoo, I felt my confidence soar! I definitely felt that my fear was over, and I’ll probably get another one, soon even. After seeing that image, however, I realize that I’ve not come as far as I thought, and I’m not sure I would be willing to go further.

I’m not sure if it’s solely the idea of having the nipple pierced that gets to me. Though I don’t think I would do it, simply looking at nipple piercings does not evoke a knee-jerk reaction in me. It’s actually seeing the pointed ends. I’ve also seen other images where the needles are not sticking out, but I still have those same fearful feelings. Seeing a closed round piercing, or even the ball ended piercings doesn’t evoke the same reaction. It’s the needles themselves.

I have such respect and admiration for the strength and trust that it must have taken for Melissa to willingly have this experience. I can’t currently imagine being in a place where I could do the same, and I’m not sure it’s something I would ever want to confront.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Finding Wisdom in Unexpected Places

For a novice such as myself, there is a lot of overwhelming information to be found on the internet concerning D/s relationships. As I feel I am naturally more outwardly analytical than introspective, thinking inwardly doesn’t come naturally. Organizing my thoughts for use here has been a great tool for me to get in touch with them. I’ve found that there was positive information or something to at least think about with nearly everything I’ve read, even if I didn’t necessarily understand the whole of it, or agree.

 Today I found a website called Taken In Hand. It’s not really a BDSM website; it’s more about a type of marriage philosophy where the husband takes complete control over his wife, almost like a TPE relationship, and the wife wants him to do so. They do have an FAQ section that addresses BDSM, but they don’t feel that TIH really fits into that umbrella. I don’t think I quite agree with it, but there were a lot of articles there that I related to, and gave me thinking material. I think the main reason why I don’t think I could personally accept it is because of the themes of complete power, dubious consent, and practices that, in my mind, seem more like abuse, even if consent is implied. Stating that rape could be a gift to your wife; it just doesn’t jive with me. I also find that the tone of some articles places women in an unequal and less-than role, though I realize that’s not the intent.

Then there were some articles I definitely found I could connect with. An article written by a newcomer to Taken In Hand relationships says that one of her first signs that this type of dynamic is what she wanted, was her enjoyment of the missionary position. I can completely relate with this. Missionary is actually my favorite sexual position. I used to think that it perhaps made me pretty boring, or vanilla, but through discussing it with my last partner I came to realize why I love it so much; it’s the sense of control. I enjoy it particularly because I feel safe, protected, and controlled by my partner. I enjoy the feel of him over and around me. I like feeling his strength. He can easily manipulate me as he wishes; he can grab and hold my arms above my head for example, and I love feeling that power. I also feel a closer connection to him in this position than in any others.

In another article, the author talks about how she doesn’t want to just submit; she wants to be made to submit, to the right person. He should earn her submission. This is a theme that I've seen in a few other articles on the Taken In Hand site. I have similar feelings about earning submission, except I of course, do desire to submit. But I don’t want to submit to just anyone, and that person should earn the gift of my submission.

This reminds me of a passage in Part II of Jeff  Mach’s GIVE: Theft. Submission is given, but it’s also stolen, taken, and won as a dominant gets to know you. They use their intimate knowledge of you to earn more of your submission, piece by piece. Besides, who wants, or can submit to just any one at any time, always? Would there be anything to submit to, if it was always so easy?

Sunday, January 09, 2011

A Bit of Backstory

I don’t remember always being this way. Many people will look back into their past and realize that even in childhood, the roots were there. Through childhood games, cartoons, or movies where a character was tied up or kidnapped, and the way they felt about that, they realize that somehow it was always lying under the surface.

I have no such striking memories. Perhaps with time they will surface, but as of right now, I’m not exactly certain of why I feel the way I do; just that it’s there. And it's gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore it.

I was always very aware of my sexuality, even at a young age. I can remember being in first grade and going into the bathroom just to fantasize about my classroom crush. One would think that being so young and aware of that side of myself, I would have pursued it early, but that’s not the case. I didn’t get into a relationship until I was 18. I’ve had a few relationships since then, and though I definitely cared about each partner, I always felt as though something was missing. On a few instances in each relationship, my partner would behave in what I now identify as a “dominant” fashion, which I always enjoyed. I would wish that the dynamic would continue, but I wasn’t sure about how to get it. For various reasons, each relationship didn’t work out, but those instances always stick out in my mind.

There was also another relationship I had that sticks out in my memory. This person wasn’t quite a lover; we weren’t exactly in a romantic relationship. Yet there definitely was a sexual edge to our dynamic. I’d admired him for quite a long time, and we ran in the same social circle. We had an odd relationship. We would play games and struggle with power. He would try to get me to give control to him. I would resist, but I secretly reveled in these games we would play. He had a way of making me do just exactly what he wanted, and inside, I was happy to give it to him. I thought constantly about how I might be more pleasing to him; of gaining his approval. It wasn’t technically a D/s relationship, but I see now that it showed me a lot about myself and that type of dynamic. In the end, this particular relationship wasn’t healthy for me. I became very infatuated with him, and there wasn’t enough trust between us to sustain the dynamic. He did some very hurtful things, and I’ve ultimately suffered for it. I’ve since ended our friendship, though it's years later, and I'm still not quite over it. I often think about him, and wonder if we could ever resume a friendship, but it probably will never happen. And that’s probably for the best.

For the future, what I would ultimately be looking for wouldn’t be solely sexual. I admit, I can be a very physical creature, and I can be easily ruled by touch and pleasure. In a sexual role, I don’t enjoy being in control. It makes me feel very anxious, and I like it best when my partner takes control of me. However, I think I would desire a D/s dynamic outside of physical intimacy as well. I would want to work it into our day-to-day lives, but in a non-obvious fashion. It’s hard to reconcile this with my nature, however. I have worked hard to become more confident and outgoing. I’ve worked hard to pursue my goals, and I continue to do so. I would want somewhat of an equal partnership, but also want to submit to my partner. I would want to retain all that I’ve worked for. This proves for an odd dichotomy. How do you walk that line?

Hopefully with time, I’ll find out.
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