Monday, May 16, 2011

Possessives and Breast Play

How do you feel about referring to your body parts in the possessive of your partner? Or vice versa? I used to think it was pretty odd. It’s not that I disapproved of the idea per se, it was more that it can get pretty confusing and awkward in practice, especially if referring to unisex anatomy. Referring to “your ass” is a lot more confusing than “your breasts” for heterosexual couples. Yet a couple of weeks ago I made a comment to the tune of “here is your finger back” (He was holding my fingers and stopped to let me scratch an itch, or something like that). It wasn’t something I thought about, it was just something I said. It has stuck in my brain as soon as it came out of my mouth. I suppose I am starting to think of myself as belonging more to him.

Today, we were having a conversation about nipple piercing, which I really don’t think I could handle. I think the aesthetic could be nice, but I really don’t think I could manage the needle aspect. However, I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, I would try and work on it. It’s not an unreasonable request. It’s not a tattoo, or extremely permanent marking. I could always take the rings out. Though its not something he wishes to put me through (and I can’t say I’m not a bit relieved), I did express the feeling that, essentially, they’re his breasts, and if he wants piercings in them, I should at least try to work on that. In my head, I guess am thinking more along the lines of him claiming me, so that should be a good thing.

I still find my needle aversion a bit odd. I can plan and sit through a tattoo, but nipple piercings make my stomach flip. I don’t know if its just the idea of the needles, or the fear of the pain, or some combination of the unknown. I have come to find that I don’t hate nipple pain. It’s actually something I’ve come to enjoy. When asked (and I seem to always set myself up to reveal extra information), I expressed the desire to have my nipples pinched hard. It’s something I find myself wanting after he’s started to play. So it cannot be just the pain that is causing the fear.

I always get a little bit nervous when I’m about to reveal something about myself, like expressing the nipple pinching desire. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I end up giving him all this extra information. Or I say something that will cause him to seek this extra information, which I will of course end up giving. I end up getting nervous because I suppose that I am afraid that I will be… boring. I guess I feel like my wishes or desires will not be up to par. I also get nervous because I feel like I’m giving him little weapons that he will later use against me (though I usually end up enjoying it). I know I shouldn’t really think in those terms, as he is definitely NOT the enemy, but I always think about how this information will later be used.

A bit ago, I took a big step in this regard. I gift-wrapped a pair of clothes pegs for him to use on me, as I know he really enjoys breast play. I was  nervous. It was one thing to talk and give him information that could later be used against me, but another to physically hand him a weapon of my own volition, with forethought. But as usual, he was wonderful about it, and I didn’t even hate the use of them on me… as long as he was the one doing the applying. I tested it out on myself first, with less than stellar results (got to test the weapon before gifting it, right?). I just don’t have the same finesse. There’s just a way about him that really sweeps me off my feet. He puts a lot of forethought into everything he does, so usually my fears are at ease before we try anything new. He talks to me about it first, and he never just springs anything on me. By the time it comes for practice,  its all settled into my head, and I’m usually waiting it to happen. Wanting.

I’ve not been disappointed.  I hope I don’t disappoint him.

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