Thursday, May 31, 2012

Needing Aftercare

I’ve spent a lot of time on the Internet reading various forums and articles about BDSM activities and such. I’ve come across many on Aftercare. Sir is never remiss in providing aftercare and establishing a safe and warm fuzzy connection after we engage in scenes that are emotionally or physically draining.

For the first time however, I felt like I needed it.

This weekend, Sir left our play bag at his house (thinking my roommate would be home). She wasn’t, so he got creative. Finding a leather belt that I never wear, it has now become his favorite whip (it is a VERY skinny belt). I’d never been truly whipped before. I’d been struck with various implements, and with his hand, and with ropes, but not something that stings like this. While I enjoyed it, and we’re learning my ability to take this type of strain, eventually I did feel…pushed. I WANT to be pushed, explore more things, find out more about myself, and be able to serve Sir in more ways, but this time it was almost nearly too much for me. After the whipping, he continued doing other things which I also enjoy but…

I just wanted to cuddle. I felt like it was a NEED. If I didn’t cuddle, I would cry. I would become unstable, and I could feel this need growing in my chest to the point where it was becoming a physical ache. I was getting anxious.

Once he got me into his arms, I just felt… calmer. He stroked my hair and peppered little kisses on my forehead. I hooked myself into him as much as I could. I recall saying in the past that if I could, I would just crawl right into his chest – that’s how close I felt like I needed to be to him.

This whole experience got me thinking about other forms of aftercare. Yes, cuddling and being cute and close like that is probably my preferred method, but there’s got to be loads of other things, right?

So I got to thinking, researching, and recalling our previous experiences.

Sometimes it’s immediate physical concerns – you’re swelling, bruising, etc. You’re dehydrated/hungry – especially for us hypoglycemics and others with blood sugar issues. You’re cold (I’m always cold -cuddle under the blankets!) Replenishing energy and basic first aid type of stuff (which I’m certified in, should inquire as to his formal training, haha). Or checking areas where you were constricted with rope.

Sometimes it’s talking – how did you feel about that experience? We do this often, especially if something doesn’t go according to plan. Sometimes it takes a day or two – you need time to process and think about what happened. Sometimes it’s thanking Sir – I don’t see evidence of him being quite as vulnerable as I’ve found myself to be, but it’s good to let him know that his attentions are appreciated. If something hasn’t gone to plan, especially if I react badly, he gets VERY upset with himself, and he needs just as much reassurance as I do! Sometimes its not even in his control – I remember a time when I was chained naked in the basement and people came home early; I FREAKED out on him!

Sometimes its re-establishing a close emotional connection. Cuddling and spending time together helps. Other things I was thinking of besides just cuddling that could work:

·Showering/bathing together (a favorite of mine; I love washing Sir)
·Watching a fun movie together (I can see it getting too intense with a serious film)
·Fixing each other’s hair. It’s a great way to feel cared for, and besides Sir, who doesn’t like getting their hair touched?
·Preparing a meal together
·Emails and or text messages after leaving
·Writing – journaling here definitely helps for me!

What other things can you think of? There has to be more!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Yes, a 50 Shades Post

… but I haven’t read the book. This isn’t going to be about the content of the book, but more about what other people are saying about it.

At my job, some of the ladies there have a little book club. Last month, they read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (they finished it up just as I was hired). This month, it’s 50 Shades of Grey.

Nearly every day in the lunchroom, they’re talking about this book. It’s not so much that they’re discussing it – its more what they’re saying:

What a psychopath!
"It's so abnormal!"
But everything in this book is so weird – you HAVE to be some kinda weirdo to be into this.
There’s a reason he’s like this right? We’re gonna find out what made him such a freak?”

And so on, and so on.

It’s really starting to grate on my nerves. I know that it is probably best for me to say nothing, and as such I’ve sat there biting my tongue.

Then they keep asking me to join their book club. When trying to politely refuse, solely because of their reaction to this book, I mentioned something vague about the fact that I’d probably identify more with the book and it’s odd that everyone around is proclaiming it as weird and being judgmental.

A response: “Ugh! But it IS weird!!”

Oh, it’s weird… They must be psychopathic freaks to enjoy this? Well, you can keep judging…

…but you can’t stop reading it either, right? What does that say?

I've thought about taking lunch in my room until they're done with this, but I don't fancy being cooped up in the same space ALL day long; I need a change of scenery now and again. And there is a positive to their talk.

In a way, I should probably thank these ladies. Having them unknowingly tear to pieces activities that are close to my heart and lifestyle has made me rise up to defend it inside. It has made me more accepting of myself and of other people. I have had problems accepting my desires, but having them bash these sorts of activities made me realize how normal they can be, and how good. I'm happier now than in any previous relationship, and I have TTWD to thank. As long as it makes you happy, and is done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, then who should really care?

I’m a step closer to self-acceptance, and in a roundabout way, its due to them! So I’ll thank them, but silently. Open discussion of such things would probably hurt my career and make my worklife difficult.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rollercoaster BDSM

This weekend had its ups and downs, but overall it was oh so good. I haven’t had much time to spend with Sir as of late; a few hours here, an evening there… but nothing long lasting.

We got that this weekend, and Sir was so very kind to me. I worked 12 hours on Saturday until 9 o' clock, jetted home to eat, take a shower, and pack a few things, and then I made the hour’s drive up to my Dirty Old Man.

Usually when we’ve spent so much time apart, Sir and his not so little sir are anxious to see me and raring to go. I am usually exhausted, like I was on Saturday night. They’re usually ever so persistent and we typically end up reconnecting as soon as humanly possible. Sir wanted to be thoughtful, however, and he let me sleep uninterrupted the whole night, because he said that I needed the sleep more than he needed me at the moment. I am grateful for those restful hours of sleep, and the warm cuddly comfort of his arms that I missed. I just hope that he wasn’t too deprived; I like to meet his needs, and it can be fun when he wakes me up in that special way of his.

In the morning, Sir was quick to make up for lost time. For our anniversary, I gave him some lovely red hemp rope from VenusRopes, and he used it to bind my hair. I always feel so spoiled when he does this, but he assures me he enjoys it just as much as I do. And my hair is growing! I got a 25 foot rope a few months ago, but I probably need to purchase 35 or 40 feet for the length my hair is currently (we’re aiming at the moment to get to at least my hips; right now my hair is just past my nipples).

A picture of my lovely bound hair:

Afterwards, Sir informed me that we would be trying something that we’ve talked about for awhile – gags. We have a problem with gags because I have an abnormally small mouth, and haven’t been able to find a suitable ball gag for me. He used a piece of cut up fabric (a new sock, of all things) and used some athletic tape around my head to secure it. He tried using the athletic tape on its own, but it did not restrict my speech enough. I found this to be extremely uncomfortable, and not in just a strain sort of way. My eyes felt like I had a lot of pressure behind them, my chin was forced down into my neck, my jaw was hurting, and my lips were being forcibly bitten by my teeth. I think most of this was worsened by the fact that my hair was bound; 25 feet of rope is heavy. Sir could see that I was NOT liking this, and after several questions he told me that I could choose to get it removed, but I had to choose right now. On or off.

This made me really upset. I wasn’t in immediate danger. I could breathe. But I did feel uneasy, as though something potentially COULD happen with this strained position. I think now that my response should have been “yellow”, but in the moment I couldn’t think of that. I could only think of the looming choices. Power through this even though I feel uneasy, or make the choice to end it, and thus FAIL at this task.


I’ve written about it before, but I have a huge problem with failure. I started to tear up, and eventually my eyes started to leak. I could not bring myself to make the decision to end it, and thus be a failure at this task. Sir misinterpreted my tears (as I could not speak) and thought that we were hitting an unknown limit of mine with the gag. I don’t think this was the case, and I do think we should try again with different circumstances. He decided to cut me free, and I just felt like a wretched pile of human. I just wanted to curl up in a ball of misery in the corner of the bed. Sir did permit me a bit of that; he allowed me to cry it out while he held me and reassured me of everything. Eventually I calmed down.

Then Sir made a really good choice in choosing to continue our session, but choosing a different tack. He chose something else that is new for us; thus giving me an opportunity to succeed at something else. This did take the sting away from my perceived failure (He does not see it as such, and insists that he has much to learn as well).

After a few light warm up swats, he had me lay on my stomach, and he proceeded to spank me. This isn’t something we’ve really done before; it’s pretty new territory for us. I’m VERY new at it, and he has some experience in his previous relationship which was a very long time ago... but for us, I think we’ve tried it once or twice before. I found that I was really enjoying it. The feel of his hand; the sting, him soothing the burn after while stroking my bottom. Then he brought out something I forgot he purchased. I could hear him fumbling around in our play bag, but wasn’t sure for what. And then –


It wasn’t actually THAT hard, but it was much harder than his hand. He had purchased this ENORMOUS paddle while we were together ages ago, and I forgot all about it. I think its original intent was for paddleball or ping pong, but this thing is BIG. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and he said he loved the pretty red color on my ass. He even took a picture, a rarity for him (which I can’t show; he has a rule for me about public nude photos).

When he was done with my backside, he flipped me over and started on my front, lightly swatting my breasts. He enjoys the way it makes me squirm, and the response my nipples have to it; it DOES make them quite sensitive and brings them to attention.

Eventually we reconnected as we’ve been so missing, and it was completely delicious. I missed him, and I needed him; it had been too long. What a crazy good weekend. BDSM does bring out a rollercoaster of emotions.

Oh, before I forget – a picture of this huge paddle:

I think even though it seems large and imposing, all of it doesn't connect upon striking... and that's a lot of air resistance as well!

Also, a picture of it in front of Sir’s head (and he does have quite a sizeable cranium!):

Have a great week!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Self Reflection

I’ve been thinking a bit about my feelings over what I wrote yesterday. I don’t think I was in quite the right submissive frame of mind. Yes, it is good that I am honest with Sir about how I feel about the punishment affecting my adherence to the bedtime rule. But even with being realistic and knowing that being late again is bound to happen eventually, my response and feelings were very antagonistic and not very submissive to him at all. I should be thinking more of how I can help myself to keep to the rule better. Not be flippant and cavalier over it.

I don’t think that in a submissive sense putting my want (not need) to stay up to connect with a friend was really necessary. It was NOT something that couldn’t have waited, but at the time it did seem urgent, and I was depressed about our visit ending and not seeing her until who knows when. But it’s not forever, and something like that shouldn't have priority over my choice to submit to Sir. Especially over a rule that’s expressly there for my benefit. I’ve been so much more calm, happy, and able to deal with stress since getting adequate sleep.

I’m trying to better myself and my submission to Sir. I’m also trying to accept the type of dominance he desires to give, while still letting him know of my desires and needs. It’s not all about me. I don’t want to be the submissive that’s telling the Dirty Old Man exactly what to do and the like. I admit, I can be cantankerous at times, and I reign that in as best as possible with Sir. But this weekend I didn’t even text him goodnight (which is part of my bedtime rule). He let it slide. Part of me is grateful, for I truly have had a lot of my plate, but on the other hand, I still feel like I should be made accountable for it, besides him just letting me know verbally that he DID notice. I mentioned to him that I could add more to my paper, which was just one paragraph shy of a full 5 pages, but he rejected that idea. Which I suppose I should just be happy about; and quit over-analyzing.

On a positive note, just him letting me know that he did notice (even though not messaging him was not premeditated on my part) did give me a bit of a thrill, and helped me to feel put in my place. I need to be reminded that I am being looked after and kept in check.

Also, I was thinking a bit more about my difficulty with completely parting with my pants and fully embracing ladies clothing 24/7. I believe I’ve gotten to the heart of my reluctance. It is about appearances. Although I do enjoy feeling pretty and put-together, and I want to be attractive for Sir (though he'd likely say something to the effect of "you're always attractive!"), I realized that I tend to judge other females that I put into the “girly girl” box in my mind. I realize it’s not the right thing to do, but I do it. And I think a part of me is afraid to be seen as that “girly girl” that I so despise. I tend to think of typically feminine characteristics and stereotypes as negative. Though intellectually I know otherwise, I lump ultra girly girls in with other qualities besides feminine dress. Such as: shallow, vapid, nasty, uncaring for their surroundings, overly emotional, illogical, weak, unintelligent, unaware, self-centered, talkative, etc. And I don’t wish to be seen that way myself, and I’m afraid that my dress will play a role in that, especially in my role as an educator and one that works in the natural world. The two personalities don’t always jive with each other well, and I’m not sure how to be both. I’m sure it will come with time, and I don’t feel this way about my way of dress every minute of every day, but I’ve been thinking about it more as I work my outdoors job more. I suppose I can just take it “One Day at a Time”.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Punishments and Progress

I think I managed to finish my punishment assignment to Sir’s satisfaction. A 5 page, single spaced paper, MLA style except for the single spacing, on the benefits of sleep. I did research on Friday Night, and started writing after work yesterday. I tried to start earlier, but seriously, my life needs to relax a little bit. There’s always something going on. I finished it a little bit after midnight (he said I could stay up to finish it; I was barely on page 5 at 11:57. I proofread it quickly, but I didn’t edit it too much, so he really received the rough rough draft. If he wants me to improve it, I will. It’s a bit odd however. I told Sir yesterday that although writing this paper wasn’t on my top list of favorite things to do, it probably won’t stop me from being late again. I feel horrible thinking this. I did enjoy writing it a little bit; I haven’t written something like that in a long while; I’ve been out of school for a few years now. But it was time consuming and I’d rather have just assimilated the information and left it at that. Why isn’t this enough to make me feel like I won’t be late to bed again? Perhaps I’m just a realist. It seems disrespectful to say that so blatantly to Sir – aren’t I supposed to be contrite? But he does value my honesty to him above all else, so I’m honoring that as well.

Sometimes I think about sharing my written tasks here, but then I feel shy. I’m a harsh critic on myself and the thought of my work not being up to par, and being up for public scrutiny makes me anxious. On the other hand, after working so hard to write something, I almost want to share it because it’s a labor of love. A few assignments I’ve been given included compiling a list of Anime’s for Sir and I to watch together, and a list of SS/HG fanfics that I like to read. Then there was the response to the video he sent. He’s given me smaller tasks, like looking something up and sending it to him. I like having these tasks.

Today is Mother’s Day. I’m currently waiting for my pumpkin pie to finish baking. (Seriously, bake already, I’m laaaate and you’ve been in the oven FOREVER). I’ll be picking up my mother and swinging by my grandmother’s place. I’m excited to see them, and I’m also excited to drop off a big bag of clothes (pants) that my mother asked for. A couple of months ago she mentioned that she needed “new” clothes, and as I have to rid myself of so many pants that I cannot wear, this is a wonderful way to help her out, and re-align my wardrobe to Sir’s liking. Its too hard not to wear pants sometimes if they’re right THERE. I haven’t bought any new pants since we started to change my mode of dress, so that’s something, but I just couldn’t bring myself to throw away perfectly wearable pants. Now they’ll have a home.

I’ll be honest and say that not EVERY pair of pants I own is in the bag. I have a couple for work, and a few that I just couldn’t bear the thought of parting with yet. It’s an oddly emotional thing to rid yourself of items that become personal to you. It really changes your head and who you are. I will be the girl who always wears dresses and skirts. Even if people don’t think of it that way; or in those words, people do categorize others, even subconsciously. Growing up, I was the tomboy who always wore her younger brother’s things. Outward appearance does play a role in what people think of you and your personality. Change is hard.

But I’m looking forward to it!

Sunday, May 06, 2012

There’s Homework in D/s?

I went to visit a friend recently and through a happy accident she discovered the truth about my relationship with Sir. I was texting him my travel status, and then she grabbed my phone to message him as well. I thought, naturally, that she saw what I had sent to him, especially the fact that I called him “Sir” in the message. So I addressed it. It turns out that she didn’t even read what was literally staring her in the face, but she was really cool and supportive about it.

What she said was, “So… you have one of those relationships?”


“I’ve always wanted one of those relationships! I wish my significant other were into that.”

This allowed us to discuss a bit better our relationships and various kinks. I felt good, because it’s somehow important to me for my loved ones to know and accept the real me, without my feeling like I have to hide. So this makes 4 people that I know in real life who are aware of our real relationship. Perhaps 5, if she tells her significant other, which I actually wouldn’t mind as long it stays with them. I tell Sir nearly everything, but it stays with him. So she knew my secret, and she told me a secret of hers, which I am privileged to keep. Later in the trip she asked me a few questions about how our relationship works. My roommate was also there, and it was really nice, because I think it opened her eyes a bit into our relationship. It’s not about abuse. The rules I have are there for my benefit; he’s taking care of me. Like my bedtime so I can function well and be healthy, or dressing so I feel better about myself and more put-together. I feel like she has been more receptive of him since then, but it’s not even been a week so we’ll see.

The day I got back home I stayed up a half hour late, posting pictures to my friend (who lives 500 miles away). The next day, I REALLY struggled with the decision to be upfront and say something; more so than in other instances. I felt disappointed in myself. I had been doing so well. I feel like I focus more on my failures than my achievements. I’m on time nearly all the time, now, but I don’t make a post every night about me being a good girl. If I send a text two minutes late, that’s one thing, but it’s rare for me to be significantly late. In the end, as always, I knew I had to say something, but I didn’t feel good about it.

I saw something today on Memoirs of a Discerning Dom that really helped me, however. He mentioned that his girl broke a rule. Not out of forgetfulness, but on purpose. Because doing the thing she was forbidden to do was more important than obeying. And its possible that she wanted to see how seriously he would take it. She doesn’t disobey because she likes punishment. Neither do I. Sir also always makes sure that my punishments aren’t fun.

It was more important for me at that time to stay connected with my friend, and post pictures of the trip and her special day than it was for me to be in bed. Yes, I could have done it the next day… but I suppose it wouldn’t be the same. I never get to see this girl, and choosing to go to bed was almost like choosing the weekend and the visit to be over, officially. It made me sad; when will I see her again? So I made the choice to extend it, just a bit longer, albeit virtually. But not because I wanted to be punished, or because I hate my Sir. I eventually mentioned to my friend (since she knows about us now) that I really did need to head to bed, and that I would be in trouble, but it was hard.

So after deliberating all of the next day, I told Sir. So now I have to write a 5 page paper on the benefits of sleep and negative effects of sleep deprivation. With sources. Single spaced. It was so fitting that I asked him how long he’d been saving that, but he said he came up with that right on the fly. I’m impressed. Because of my insane work schedule, he’s letting me submit it by this Saturday. Originally I had 3 days, but it I had no time with work and the like, so he extended it. I am thankful and grateful to him for that.

She asked me the next day what happened, and I told her the consequences. Her reply was a bit funny:

I didn’t know there was homework involved, I thought you’d get a light spanking or something.”

I explained to her that it’s not a punishment if you enjoy it. Sir always picks things that are a cumbersome pain in the ass; not things that I necessarily enjoy doing. I'm actually quite academic, but I don't really want to research and write this paper. I don't want to spend the time on it when I could be doing other things. So, I told her that if we’re really going to correct my behavior and choices, there has to be an incentive. It also make me think more about how an outsider, even one who may desire this type of kink views things. D/s to us is more than just sex. We attempt to infuse it into daily lives. We’re happiest this way. I think it will get better once we cohabitate, as does Sir, but only when we’re ready.
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