Thursday, April 28, 2016

He Wants to See Me Struggle

Me: *attempting to open the front door with lunch, purse, coffee, juice, and bags of things for work... and failing.

Sir: Hold on, let me help you!

Me: Awwww, you don't want to sit there and watch me struggle?

Sir: Well, not like that.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Who is the Strong One Today?

I'm trying to make an effort and a point to sit down here in blogland, even if I don't have the time to read as I would like lately.

Things are okay. I feel like Sir and I are working together to make our lives work; the past couple of weeks have gone smoother.

Sir and I had a big talk (or really series of talks) about how I can approach him when I need things done. I sort of playfully said "Your mission, if you choose to accept it..." He didn't quite like that. He's just happy with a "please" and a "can you?"

We also worked some on my frame of mind. Sir needs me to help him with reminders on things like this. Not just household stuff, but schoolwork, career stuff, health stuff.... just basic tasks that need to get done, but not necessarily immediately. Reminders work for him. So I can think of these things as truly being of service to Sir, instead of telling him what to do, which is what was in my head before.

Sir's been going through a difficult time mentally with all the stress of completing his education and I wasn't picking up on it. I'm worried about him, but I'm going to do my best to help him get through these next three months.

Three. Months - then we will be moving on to the next step of our lives: putting down roots.

I'm crazy busy with work and a buttload of family events. Lots of bridal showers, business trips, weddings, family birthday parties... and wakes, unfortunately. My aunt passed away at the age of 57 (same as my dad) last week. She is technically my cousin, but in my family we call all of our older cousins aunts/uncle, and are close to them as such.

I've also been planning an outdoor memorial for my dad on his birthday. It's this Friday, coming up fast. We're planting a tree in his favorite park. Sir starts his internship that same weekend, so with everything that has been and is going on, I feel like we aren't getting enough quality time together. I fly in after work for a few hours, then hop off somewhere, or leave right from work. My "days off" always have me jumping off somewhere. He's working on his thesis when I'm here, so we just need a couple days where nothings going on but each other. I have declined some things in an effort to give us some time, but we both knew April would be crazy - May should be calmer.

In other news, my current ongoing task from Sir is remembering to say "excuse me" when I burp. I guess being raised by a man who was a salt of the earth kinda fellow erased some of those niceties from me. It's not something I would do in my own house (of course I would in polite company).

So we're working through these times together. Even when I have those days where I feel like pulling my hair out, or he just wants to shake some sense into me we love each other and choose us, every single day. I choose us, and I choose this. 

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Managing Work/Life Balance

I've been back at work for a month now - which seems unreal to say.

I adore it. I really love, love, love what I do.

I just can't seem to manage a work/life balance. It's not really the job so much as the commute. I don't understand how to manage my life in this short time frame that I have each day. By the time I get home, cook dinner, and take a shower, it's time for bed, since I have to get up so early. I joked with Sir the other day that I can't be horizontal after 5 (not that I'm ever even home by 5). If I get on that couch at all though once I do get home, I pass right out.

I don't understand how to be a decent submissive when I feel like I have no time. I feel... rushed. I'm always running at full speed trying to play catch up. Sir has his own priorities with schooling right now, so he admittedly can't give me the attention I need. He's got 4 months left, his final certification exam, internship, and thesis going on. He's also looking for jobs - this is high stakes time for us. But even if he could give me the attention, I don't know how we'd find the time on my end.

So, I'm happy; sort of. I feel fulfilled at work and in my career. I'm in a better place than I was 8 months ago, grieving wise. I miss my dad - so so much, but at least I am not crying every single day. I feel I am mentally more with it. The winter break was good for my head. Now I just need to figure out how to handle the day to day things with this schedule. It's really housework that's getting to me. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. I can't keep up with it and each week I'm barely scraping by, let alone making time to be mindful in service. I've asked Sir to help me a lot more. This typically translates into me telling him what to do, or texting him to run specific errands after school. If I run any errand on my way home, it translates into throwing the entire evening out since it takes so much time. Even a short errand. I went to the bank in the same town as my job after work. It added a ridiculous amount of time to my commute since I hit a big metropolitan area at the height of rush hour, just by pushing the time I'd normally get there back a bit.

I don't like having to tell him what to do. But I definitely feel that it is necessary to keep myself somewhat sane and keep the house afloat. I'm trying to re-think how I think of it, but it is difficult. I feel I have to tell him what to do in order for certain things to get done, or I have to do them myself and I simply don't have the time for it.

Example: A couple of weeks ago Sir mentioned to me that we were out of paper towels. He said he noticed a few times. It exasperated me because I am not the only one that can go to the store. I mentioned this nicely to him - that he could stop by the store on the way home from school instead of always telling me what we need. Maybe I shouldn't do that... maybe the submissive thing to do would be to say "Yes, Sir." and remember to get paper towels next time. I am struggling with this right now - trying to make my life manageable vs. serving Sir.

So, Sir says he will go get them. Days go by, he doesn't get them, and he mentions again that we need them. I end up having to run an errand after work to pick them up. I get home later than usual and it means that I am scrambling trying to get everything done before bed. I don't get it all done so I have to squish it in before leaving for work, almost making me late. It all snowballs.

This week, instead of repeating this cycle, I texted Sir and asked him to pick up 3 things from the supermarket after school so I could run a different errand at the pharmacy and not get in super late. I felt like it worked out well - I was home at a decent time and had more time to get things done and ready for the next day. I will probably keep doing this, but part of me, the submissive part hates it. I don't feel like it should be my place.

That's my main struggle right now. I saw a meme (that I of course cannot find now) that said there's nothing sexier than a man who just gets stuff done without having to be told. That really resonates with me. I don't want to feel like I have to tell Sir what needs to get done. But I don't see that changing anytime soon. Either speak up or do everything myself (which is impossible)

Today we had a decent day. Great sex this morning with pain! Apparently I needed pain - and I can see why; we've been so busy lately that we're literally penciling in sexytime. This morning was more spontaneous. I woke up ready, "persuaded" Sir (not that he ever needs much convincing). We had a date in the afternoon, did the shopping, and now we're about to eat cake in bed.

It's the little things. I love Sir, and I love us. I will definitely be happy when he's done with school and we can try towards stability and a more manageable lifestyle. We just have to get there, or work a bit more on making what we have now work for us.

Sir is serving me cake in bed. I love him. And cake.
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