I adore it. I really love, love, love what I do.
I just can't seem to manage a work/life balance. It's not really the job so much as the commute. I don't understand how to manage my life in this short time frame that I have each day. By the time I get home, cook dinner, and take a shower, it's time for bed, since I have to get up so early. I joked with Sir the other day that I can't be horizontal after 5 (not that I'm ever even home by 5). If I get on that couch at all though once I do get home, I pass right out.
I don't understand how to be a decent submissive when I feel like I have no time. I feel... rushed. I'm always running at full speed trying to play catch up. Sir has his own priorities with schooling right now, so he admittedly can't give me the attention I need. He's got 4 months left, his final certification exam, internship, and thesis going on. He's also looking for jobs - this is high stakes time for us. But even if he could give me the attention, I don't know how we'd find the time on my end.
So, I'm happy; sort of. I feel fulfilled at work and in my career. I'm in a better place than I was 8 months ago, grieving wise. I miss my dad - so so much, but at least I am not crying every single day. I feel I am mentally more with it. The winter break was good for my head. Now I just need to figure out how to handle the day to day things with this schedule. It's really housework that's getting to me. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. I can't keep up with it and each week I'm barely scraping by, let alone making time to be mindful in service. I've asked Sir to help me a lot more. This typically translates into me telling him what to do, or texting him to run specific errands after school. If I run any errand on my way home, it translates into throwing the entire evening out since it takes so much time. Even a short errand. I went to the bank in the same town as my job after work. It added a ridiculous amount of time to my commute since I hit a big metropolitan area at the height of rush hour, just by pushing the time I'd normally get there back a bit.
I don't like having to tell him what to do. But I definitely feel that it is necessary to keep myself somewhat sane and keep the house afloat. I'm trying to re-think how I think of it, but it is difficult. I feel I have to tell him what to do in order for certain things to get done, or I have to do them myself and I simply don't have the time for it.
Example: A couple of weeks ago Sir mentioned to me that we were out of paper towels. He said he noticed a few times. It exasperated me because I am not the only one that can go to the store. I mentioned this nicely to him - that he could stop by the store on the way home from school instead of always telling me what we need. Maybe I shouldn't do that... maybe the submissive thing to do would be to say "Yes, Sir." and remember to get paper towels next time. I am struggling with this right now - trying to make my life manageable vs. serving Sir.
So, Sir says he will go get them. Days go by, he doesn't get them, and he mentions again that we need them. I end up having to run an errand after work to pick them up. I get home later than usual and it means that I am scrambling trying to get everything done before bed. I don't get it all done so I have to squish it in before leaving for work, almost making me late. It all snowballs.
This week, instead of repeating this cycle, I texted Sir and asked him to pick up 3 things from the supermarket after school so I could run a different errand at the pharmacy and not get in super late. I felt like it worked out well - I was home at a decent time and had more time to get things done and ready for the next day. I will probably keep doing this, but part of me, the submissive part hates it. I don't feel like it should be my place.
That's my main struggle right now. I saw a meme (that I of course cannot find now) that said there's nothing sexier than a man who just gets stuff done without having to be told. That really resonates with me. I don't want to feel like I have to tell Sir what needs to get done. But I don't see that changing anytime soon. Either speak up or do everything myself (which is impossible)
Today we had a decent day. Great sex this morning with pain! Apparently I needed pain - and I can see why; we've been so busy lately that we're literally penciling in sexytime. This morning was more spontaneous. I woke up ready, "persuaded" Sir (not that he ever needs much convincing). We had a date in the afternoon, did the shopping, and now we're about to eat cake in bed.
It's the little things. I love Sir, and I love us. I will definitely be happy when he's done with school and we can try towards stability and a more manageable lifestyle. We just have to get there, or work a bit more on making what we have now work for us.
Sir is serving me cake in bed. I love him. And cake.
How old is your Sir Lea? if you don't mind me asking. When you say school I visualise 18?
ReplyDeleteOh, no he's not 18 or a teenager. He's in his late 30's. The school he attends is for additional training and certification in the career he's had for 4 years. It does sound a bit juvenile to say "after school" but I'm not sure what else to call it. Sometimes we refer to it as work, but then again, its not.
DeleteOh wow well then he really should be helping you with chores!
ReplyDeleteOh, he does. I don't want to give the impression that he leaves everything all to me - that would be literally impossible. I don't have enough hours in my day to possibly get it all done. He does need me to remind him often though, and this is where I think we're currently working.
DeleteHey there Lea, i am really happy to hear that things are going well for you and you're liking your job. It's unfortunate that your job is such a long commute for you. i have no doubt that you'll get it all figured out and get into a good routine! =) It's exciting that your Sir is nearing the end of his schooling too! Things will be so much easier for the two of you when that happens, i can't imagine what a relief it will be! =)
ReplyDeletei don't think it's unreasonable to share the household chores in so much as you might discuss things with your Sir in advance. If you know that X Y Z must be done that day and you only have time for X, there's no harm in informing him that Y & Z must be done that day and you're unable to do them. i think it's all in the way we approach our Master's to ask for their help. "Telling" them what to do certainly isn't really a very submissive approach but informing them of our needs and the needs of household in order to keep things running smoothly. That falls right in line with our duties, if you will, of being their submissive. There's a big difference between giving them a list of things to do and communicating yours or the needs of the household. i have learned that the hard way. While i am certainly "in charge" of getting the laundry done, if the dryer is broken the ball is in my court to make sure He knows it's got to be fixed. It's just how i inform Him that is important. Tone of voice has a lot to do with my rate of success sometimes too. i'm not saying that He won't help me if i don't approach Him correctly, there's just a lot to be said for a sweeter tone of voice than a crabby one. (i need work in that area!) =)
Maybe this sounds trivial to you, i don't know. i just know what i've learned over the years. i always feel compelled to share my journey of mistakes and growth, with you. =) Do with this what you will! **hugs**
Hi,
DeleteThis certainly was a great help in trying to rethink how I think... I believe the issue lies in retraining my brain not to think how I suppose outside society normally would. If I "asked" Sir to complete something for me, and he didn't - I would get mad. So my asking I think was not really a question, it was an expectation, and that's where the problem lies. I shouldn't have such an expectation. I can communicate my needs and the needs of the household, but it is up to him to decide what to do on it... not me to get mad if it doesn't get done when or how *I* wanted it. That's still something I'm working on, but at least the communication I feel I'm making progress in.
I definitely appreciate you sharing with me; I find it super helpful in attacking my own brain!