Wednesday, February 24, 2016

When You're Not A Natural Submissive... How to Get It Back?

Two weeks until I go back to work.

I'm both excited and dreading it. Excited because I am really not cut out for being a full time stay-at-home person. These past 4 months have more than proved that to both me and Sir. I don't think dealing with grief and being depressed has helped, but being active I think will help. Dreading it because of the immense quick change, and the hours of hard work away from home after being... well honestly lazy for the past few months. I'm hoping I can cut it and transition with a minimum of grief.

I am hoping that once I'm back at work I will start to feel more like my old self again. Sir and I have been talking and I've just been... off. I'm not feeling submissive. He's not being Dominant. We both acknowledged our issues around this. His being extreme stress with his upcoming certification exam and completing his education (he MUST pass this test or else, basically - its high stakes time). Mine with just... being sad.

I feel like the sadness has physically filled up my insides, like how you squeeze jelly into a donut, leaving barely any room for anything else. I'm not interested in romance, or normal day to day activities. It's a chore to get up and get dressed for the day.

Submission is not natural for me. It's something I've been thinking about for a few weeks now. There are people who are naturally submissive, and that's just not me. Submission for me is work, and I've had no drive lately to complete that work; to tend to the garden and watch it grow.  I am happiest in this dynamic though. I don't think Sir and I would have lasted this long if we weren't D/s. As far as not being a natural submissive, there still is some root of submission in my nature. I did realize where my submissive nature does align. I am fulfilled by making other people happy. I have a desire to do so, and making others happy, makes me happy. It is in this fact that my service pours out, and perhaps in nurturing that, we can nuture my submission back out again. I did a small task when Sir got home from work today - getting him an ice cold beverage for him to relax with, without his prompting. I could see it had been a long stressful day for him. He didn't ask me, and I was happy and fulfilled to do this small task for him, purely because I thought it would make him happy.

Maybe just thinking about more tasks like that - small things to make Sir happy can refocus my brain a bit. I felt like I was making progress... small progress, but progress nonetheless, and now I just feel like everything has halted. In the middle of writing this, I brought Sir a small snack of milk and cookies, which he appreciated. I was happy to make him happy again.

How else can you get your submission back? Sir says that he knows mine is still there, it's just covered up by everything else. I guess I can work on squeezing out the "everything else" - the sadness... but I honestly think the only thing to help with that is time.

Other things to do is to keep reading, keep writing. On here in blogland, and on Fetlife. If I allow my mind to go stagnant, then the waters won't flow. Out of sight, out of mind. I've been a bit lax with it lately, and I need to continue making it a priority. I can send Sir articles and writings I come across as well, to foster discussion. But if I'm not reading, I'm not going to see anything to send.

I'm definitely open to suggestions. What do you do when you're just not feeling submissive - in your own body, in your own head? How do you coax that part of you back out?

In the meantime:

Tomorrow I'm going to make sure that I do something, at least one thing, maybe more, solely for Sir. Maybe just trying to serve him more, anticipate his needs and wishes will be the right next steps.


  1. Hi Lea!

    To help me stay in a submissive head space I created a title for myself. That when I say it I automatically become pleasing and obedient. The title is his tinkerbell. She is fiercely loyal to Peter Pan and loves to help him be happy. I'm also a little and what little doesn't love fairy dust!
    Maybe think of a title for yourself?

    Keep swimming

  2. Q and I discovered that we just -can't- maintain a 24/7 D/s protocol. We just can't- it takes too much work and time and energy that we just don't have right now with work, kids, hobbies, etc. so it's been on the back burner for awhile. Not forgotten, not given up on, but we're not stressing about it. It's there when we need it, when we're ready for it. When we play or even have sex, we just fall into those roles again and it's lovely. We've found what works for us right now- and we understand that things are mutable, adaptable to our current circumstances. Nothing's set in stone, nothing's really 'off the table', we just work together to deal with things the best we can as a team and try to focus the time and energy we do have on the things that are of the highest priority, which D/s just isn't really right now and that's ok. We'll get back to it when we can, and in the meantime, it's there when we want it. You're still grieving, and that takes a pretty huge emotional and even physical toll of a person (believe me, I know). There's no set amount of time for it to be 'over'. Just try to remember to be easy on yourself and be patient with yourself as you work through it at your own pace. The D/s stuff will be there when you need it.

  3. Replies
    1. Hi,

      I am doing okay - just mega busy with returning to work and handling that transition. It's harder than I thought it would be but I am much happier now. I am not handling work/life balance at all right now - I work and try to do things after before bed, and never catch up, and pass out. But we're good and hopefully I'll get a minute to do a real update soon.

      Thanks for checking in on me!

  4. I'm glad your doing ok Lea, and your a little happier. I hope you can sort out the work life balance



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