Monday, August 22, 2016

Cocktail, Sir?

Sir and I had a good weekend at the beach and visiting my family - my uncle, cousins, and goddaughter. Some of them are easier for him to take than others, but I'm glad he came.

The beach is my happy place. Something about floating with the waves beyond the breakers, the scent, the sounds of the waves crashing... it just leaches all the stress right from my body. By the end of the day, I felt lighter. I could breathe deeper and I had that soul-fulfilling tiredness that isn't exhaustion; it's just truly being calm and ready for a great night's sleep.

My brother invited me to go with him to the beach next week as well. I have two days off so why not! It will also be an opportunity for my mom, him (and his wife and kiddos), and me to all take a vacation together since my dad passed away. Doing that is something we've talked about for months now, so we're going to make it happen even if just for a few days.

Sir had a second interview today, and he feels really good about the interviews for this company. They already invited him for the third round of interviews - this is fantastic news. The job is just over an hour from our place, so we wouldn't have to move right away and we'd have time to really get back on our feet.

When Sir came home tonight from the interview, I fixed him a cocktail. He of course made a joke about a cocktail that he could give me instead, but is happily sipping his drink and unwinding at his desk. Sir is not a big drinker, but I suppose there is something to be said for that kind of relaxation after a long day. And the process of fixing him a drink that takes just a tiny bit more effort brought out those happy submissive feelings for me.

Keep your fingers crossed for him!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

What's My Motivation?

I was reading Mala's blog awhile ago and something she said just stuck with me.

She was talking about how she, herself is sometimes just not a good enough reason to keep some of her shit together, like weight.

I feel like that sometimes, too. That if were solely just for myself, I'd say fuck it on a lot of things, especially when stressed. Probably the first thing to go is weight and eating habits. Food is a large part of my coping skills; I guess I'm not sure still how to function otherwise without cracking.

Cleaning is another one of those things. I let it go, and probably would have let the house accumulate filth if not for the fact that Sir lives here too. I mean, I enjoy a clean house, but I am definitely cleaning more for him lately than I am me. I think part of it is the knowledge that he sees me letting it go. If there were no one else to see it, I would have let it continue to devolve.

I need Sir to take control of these things, apparently they can get too much for me. Maybe just to check in on them, make me feel accountable.

We have just been inundated lately with a host of crap thrown our way. Car problems, dental issues, attempted insurance terminations, benefits being taken away. I am just hemorrhaging money and while Sir is interviewing, he does not have work at the moment. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders at times, and I guess I need more management.

Sir is understanding. He knows I am busting my ass. He knows the past few weeks in particular have had a multitude of awful situations converge. Today, he asked me if I could fold the laundry that is sitting my hamper (which has been there for at least a week), so that he could take my dirty laundry, put it in there, and start the wash for me. My response: "Can I just sit for a minute?" I had just gotten home. And he let me. I get the reasoning. I've been at work all day, outside in this 90+ heat in a thunderstorm with a bunch of rammy children. It had been a long day. And I was the one who asked. But, there my laundry sits, still unfolded in the hamper, 4 hours later (we ended up putting my dirty stuff in his hamper so he could take it down). I think if he had said, "No, fold it now." I would have had more motivation to actually give a crap and do the damn thing.

Just doing it for myself doesn't seem to be a good enough of a reason.

I'd re-started MyFitnessPal recently. But with everything going on, I've stopped and have been coping with food again. I guess my own self isn't a good enough reason to get back on track with my health and fitness goals. But perhaps Sir is? I just don't know if he really cares about that. He doesn't seem to mind my current appearance.

Maybe I can get my brain to start doing these things for him, even if unasked by him?
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