Thursday, August 11, 2016

What's My Motivation?

I was reading Mala's blog awhile ago and something she said just stuck with me.

She was talking about how she, herself is sometimes just not a good enough reason to keep some of her shit together, like weight.

I feel like that sometimes, too. That if were solely just for myself, I'd say fuck it on a lot of things, especially when stressed. Probably the first thing to go is weight and eating habits. Food is a large part of my coping skills; I guess I'm not sure still how to function otherwise without cracking.

Cleaning is another one of those things. I let it go, and probably would have let the house accumulate filth if not for the fact that Sir lives here too. I mean, I enjoy a clean house, but I am definitely cleaning more for him lately than I am me. I think part of it is the knowledge that he sees me letting it go. If there were no one else to see it, I would have let it continue to devolve.

I need Sir to take control of these things, apparently they can get too much for me. Maybe just to check in on them, make me feel accountable.

We have just been inundated lately with a host of crap thrown our way. Car problems, dental issues, attempted insurance terminations, benefits being taken away. I am just hemorrhaging money and while Sir is interviewing, he does not have work at the moment. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders at times, and I guess I need more management.

Sir is understanding. He knows I am busting my ass. He knows the past few weeks in particular have had a multitude of awful situations converge. Today, he asked me if I could fold the laundry that is sitting my hamper (which has been there for at least a week), so that he could take my dirty laundry, put it in there, and start the wash for me. My response: "Can I just sit for a minute?" I had just gotten home. And he let me. I get the reasoning. I've been at work all day, outside in this 90+ heat in a thunderstorm with a bunch of rammy children. It had been a long day. And I was the one who asked. But, there my laundry sits, still unfolded in the hamper, 4 hours later (we ended up putting my dirty stuff in his hamper so he could take it down). I think if he had said, "No, fold it now." I would have had more motivation to actually give a crap and do the damn thing.

Just doing it for myself doesn't seem to be a good enough of a reason.

I'd re-started MyFitnessPal recently. But with everything going on, I've stopped and have been coping with food again. I guess my own self isn't a good enough reason to get back on track with my health and fitness goals. But perhaps Sir is? I just don't know if he really cares about that. He doesn't seem to mind my current appearance.

Maybe I can get my brain to start doing these things for him, even if unasked by him?


  1. New reader here, just found you.

    I can completely relate to your predicament. My Sir is semi-long distance so He doesn't micro manage the way I would like for Him to. But I recently was thinking about paying Him and it occurred to me that getting fit and maintaining my health is obviously something He would want me to do so it's something I work on every day. I don't know if that helps, I hope it does :) just have to find that place in your mind where you know you're doing it for Him and you'll be motivated :)

    1. Knowing that he cares, and just knowing that he is checking on certain things motivates me. He recently gave himself a Fitness account just so I know that he can view my diet at anytime. It has helped.

      It can be hard when you wish they would do something the way you would want them to... but then that isn't true submission right? I have to tell myself that all the time.


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