Experienced

A friend of mine is getting married and has asked me to be her maid of honor. I am happy to do it.

I have been in quite a few weddings. I have been a maid of honor four times now, and in 8 weddings total.

I digress.

We are in different states, but have gotten together to do wedding planning things together. She recently mentioned that her and her fiance are a little kinky!

Honestly, I feel so fantastic about it. I am glad that they are able to enjoy each other. I am also glad that she felt safe enough with me (I would hope she would, being that she asked me to be her MOH) to bring it up!

And since she brought that up first, I felt comfortable letting her know a little bit about me and Sir. Not ALL of it... but the basics.

It is such a relief to not feel that I have to hide that part of myself with her. That we can be open about it. And now that she knows, she is asking me all sorts of advice questions.

I guess I/we are a bit more experienced in that department, something I'd never thought I'd say!

Us....

Collar - I Need More?

I know at one point someone said to me here, just to put the damn collar on and resume your lives.

I don't know why I put more significance into it than that, but I do.

I think its because I feel like the collar is an extension of how we're doing in the D/s aspect of our lives. When things started slipping, that's when the collar went. And we've not really gotten it back; not fully. I also feel that it is not my place to decide that it should come back on, that takes the control and puts it in my lap. Do I submit only when I feel like it? No. (Well, lately, yes - sometimes if we are being honest).

And so the collar hasn't come back on; not fully. There have been times here or there, but it has not been consistent. Though I do have the wristcollar. I have not been "properly" collared for about two years now.

Two years.

That seems insane to "say out loud".

I only really thought of it because tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, and that is really where things went downhill.

Sir and I did have a nice long chat about this while we were driving down to North Carolina this past weekend (this is one of the reasons I love road trips with Sir; talk; somehow we have different conversations in the car).

He was so flabbergasted about the two-year collar revelation. It was like an epiphany for him. I told him that I have really been trying lately, trying to be more submissive. He said that he has noticed. But it has been really difficult. I truly feel that I am really ready this time; that I have moved past my grief enough to function as a real person again. I think I have been doing well for some time now. But I feel like I am submitting into a vacuum. There are really no expectations. There are no consquences. I need to be held to some standards. When there are no consequences or expectations, I interpret that as the task not being truly important.

There is one exception here - the wristcollar. Sir has been amazingly consistent there. He checks up on that, to make sure I am wearing it. If I am not, he puts it back on and I have been punished a few times for forgetting it.

But other than that, there isn't anything really. I don't have to make his lunches. I don't have to wear my collar. I probably don't have to adhere to my dress code either, though I do.

So I guess I need more from him. What does he actually want from me? Because right now, I'm not really sure. He does tell me to do things from time to time, and we still engage in some kinky fuckery here and there, but to me, I think I feel like we're just playing house sometimes when the mood strikes rather than really living it.

And while that is totally fine if that is your thing, I'm not fine with it. I want more.

Hopefully there will be more.

Are You Ready?

Sir and I communicate via Fetlife a lot. I'll send him articles or blog posts. Sometimes a kinky event link. He'll send me pictures and questions. It is actually a great way for us to keep in kinky touch when we're not always home at the same times. When one of us has a thought and the other is not around, sending it via Fetlife puts it on the table for later (especially because we both have a bit of forgetfulness in us).

Sir sent me a pretty heady question during one of these conversations recently:

 If I were to step up and do the things that go through my mind, would you be able to handle it? Because some of the things that go through my mind are really, really messed up. I don't mean snuff, but it's definitely stuff that would get talked about on the evening news using words like "kidnapping" and "human rights violations".

Part of me got really, really excited about this. About the seeming intensity of what he is alluding to. But another part of me is realistic.

I am NOT ready.

For one, I don't even know that those things in his mind truly are, so how could I know if I was actually ready for them?

For another, we've been very very slowly getting our D/s back on track. We're still trying to piece that back together for us. I feel like we have to learn to crawl again before we can walk. Let alone run!

So, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. I think perhaps with time, yes. But if Sir has a clear idea in his head, I suppose it is up to him to lead me where he wants me to be, especially if he wants to keep me more or less in the dark about his goals.

I think I'm ready for more. But not everything at once.

Hopefully he'll get us there!

Not My Place to Be Annoyed

When we were travelling for the holidays, Sir forgot to pack his pajama bottoms.

I got unduly annoyed by this. I'm not exactly sure why. It's Sir's body. If he wants to sleep in jeans, that's his prerogative. And because of our lucky circumstances (two nights in a hotel room, another night at his dad's in the guest room with the door closed), he only had to sleep in his jeans for one night (in my cousins' living room on the airbed).

So why does it annoy me so?

Maybe because I got the pants for him? Maybe because I don't like the thought of him being uncomfortable?

In writing this, I had a brand new thought, a revelation, perhaps.

Maybe it has something to do with preparedness and planning? Not packing them means not planning and being prepared. Lack of forethought has been a thorn in my side for some time...

I'm not exactly sure WHY I get annoyed about it, and that doesn't matter. I do know one thing.

It's not my place, and I need to get over myself. Instead of getting annoyed that he forgot to bring PJ pants when travelling (especially when he typically sleeps nude or in his underwear, so why would he think of that when packing), perhaps I can serve him better by trying to remember for him? Maybe I can try to think more of him and his comfort and being helpful when we're packing to travel.

And if both of us forget, definitely not huff, suck my teeth and sulk in annoyance.

More things to work on for the future!

Titles and Honorifics

Sir and I were having a discussion about the future and the possibility of a Master/slave dynamic (wayyy in the future). While whatever will or won't happen there is still on the table, it brought us back to an interesting conversation.

Titles.

Early on, it was decided that I would call Sir, Sir. I'd been just using his first name for months, like any other couple. Then I started calling him "The Dirty Old Man" (which is what I mean when I write The Dom, on here; it's not quite "the dominant"). Transitioning to Sir was not easy for me. While I didn't disagree with the term, getting used to using it and remembering to use it was difficult. Even today, the day I am writing this post over 4 years later, Sir had to prompt me to add "Sir" at the end of a sentence I spoke responding to a question he asked (though I am MUCH better now and I think Sir would agree).

When it comes purely to use of terms in M/s - I've always had problems with both the use of Master and the use of slave/being owned (for me, personally - I find no such issues with others who use the terms for their dynamic). Having the word slave used to describe me always used to evoke a knee-jerk gut reaction of "NO" and "WRONG". Now though... not so much. While I really don't think it accurately describes me and my level of service and I would not be comfortable being referred to as such, my aversion to it is definitely much less.

When it comes to using the word Master, I don't think it is something I would want to use to describe Sir. Even if our dynamic shifted, and we went to a full-on TPE dynamic, I would probably want to use the word Sir. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that, besides the fact that what I call him, is really up to him.

It turns out, he agrees. He prefers to be called Sir. I mean, I knew that of course, as it is what he decided I should call him. Though that came about more by a "Yes, what?" prompting over months while having my hair pulled and being punished rather than a strict "You will call me Sir from now on" conversation (though we did have that conversation, too).

Sir has had one other kink relationship other than me, years ago. I was just about to ask him, "Well, what did J call you?" when he volunteered the information. It's strange that in nearly 4 years this bit has actually never come up before.

But during the course of their relationship, she called him Master.

For some reason I was a bit floored by this. I just didn't expect it some how. Because Sir is... Sir. He did chalk some of that up to them being newbs back in the day and her calling him that in a misguided "this is what you're supposed to do" framework (Twue BDSM and all that, I suppose). He did say that overall, he didn't like it. It didn't feel right to him. Not sure why. Maybe because he hadn't earned it? Maybe because of lack of experience? Maybe because Master for some people (like me) evokes silly association of Dr. Frankenstein's servant. When I say it, this is what I seem to hear in my head: Yes, Master.

I think that his decision to have me call him Sir with our relationship shows his growth and intelligence as a person. He chose what is right for him, and didn't bow to what he thought were the normal conventions.

I do think that this is the right decision. The use of a title or honorific does add to our lives. It puts reverence in addressing him, and adds to the power exchange. It wouldn't be the same if I only referred to him by his given name. Though even if I disagreed, I guess I would have to go with it. He could decide tomorrow that he would prefer to be called Master. Or My Lord. Or Grand General Dragonsfist. Whatever. And I would have to get over myself and do it.

He has an honorific for me, too. Of course he uses my given name. But his general title for me is "Bitch".

"Bitch, come here."

"Bitch, get me a drink."

"I'm proud of you, bitch."

I think in another context it would be seen differently - how could "bitch" be seen as an honorific? But when I hear "bitch", it makes me feel all sorts of wonderful inside. And it reinforces my submissive role. Sir is never cruel with it. Never, "You're a fucking bitch." He never uses it to put me down in an abusive way. It's a title, not an adjective (Though I do understand that its effectiveness in making me feel submissive comes from its use as an adjective).

He could decide to change that, too. Call me something else.  But I suppose it would be okay. I would learn. Because above all, I am his.

Sir's Goals and Our Talk

Sir finally let me see his responses, and we went over our thoughts together, in a conversation that took over an hour and fifteen minutes (and we were wrapping that up because it was late and we were tired, haha). I think this is a good thing; it gave us time to really talk about what we wanted for the future, and like many conversations, it developed into other areas to talk about.

Sir's Goals.

It was a good talk. It showed me that although we may use different language and terms, we're on the same page. I am more verbose, especially when initially trying to work through something. Sir did say that his was short.

So the wrap-up version of our talk is that he agrees that right before the shit hit the fan, our D/s lives were probably the best they've been... ever. I guess you have to come really high to fall really low. We're going to start over, basically from scratch. We don't think it should take as long time-wise to build things back up, just because the learning curve won't be as steep.

I'm not sure when he'll decide to re-collar me. In a way, I am surprised that he hasn't done it already. But on the other hand, I think this is also a good thing. It will be on his terms.

Although I didn't phrase it as such and he did, we're both on the same page in terms of a Master/slave dynamic. He and I both feel that this is where we've been heading, organically. I had actually written about this before July and just never felt like posting it after my world crumbled (maybe I'll get to releasing those posts sometime). Its good to know we feel the same. I'd still call him Sir. We'd probably use the term Total Power Exchange if we labeled it at all, and it's something that will take years to get to, we're both sure.

As far as me being a house submissive... I'm not sure if I could flourish in that environment. Maybe if we had kids and there was a reason for me to be home. Otherwise, I think I'd get depressed with that much home-time. Or else Sir would have to put in a LOT of work to make that work, and that's a place he'd have to build himself up to.

I like the idea of working part time, to have more time to focus on service and submission. But again, this would come in years of time. We're not financially or emotionally ready for that. We don't even know in what city we'll be setting down roots yet (should know for sure by late August).

Sir is going to work on being consistent and demanding - expecting more. He's got to uphold consequences of anything he truly cares about. He said he may work on really thinking more proactively about his dominance. Maybe he'll journal. If he did, I'd likely think it to be a private effort. He may start reading the thoughts of other Doms... I know it really helps me when I blog and read the thoughts of other kinky people. Keeps me thinking about my submission and service, even in a time like now where there's not much going on daily.

So for now, I guess we'll have to work on getting our groove back. Putting back into place all those little things that made us work. Made our D/s lives work. and have a plan for how to keep these in place when I'm out of the house for the better part of the day.

Sir's Task: D/s Goals

I took some time yesterday to complete Sir's task. To write my thoughts on long and short term goals.

It took me longer than I expected: Two hours.

I wrote about two pages, but it was conversational in tone. Sir has not let me see his as of yet, though he has read mine. I think he needs time to process and reflect on it. Sir has said in the past that he is a slow, deliberate thinker.

I spent some time really thinking about what I'd hope we'd be. What I'd hope for us in the future. And I think that was the bulk of the writing. Sir mentioned that his was a list, and it was a paragraph or two. Perhaps if I had made mine into a list, it'd be much shorter. But Sir's letter to me told me not to worry too much about the particulars, so I just... wrote.

This is what I came up with:

I'm curious as to what he wrote, and what he thinks of my writing. We'll see what Sir says.

Being Off, Sir's Birthday, and A Task

I made it! I had my last day of work on Friday. It was a busy, but good day. I really do LOVE my job. The commute sucks, but once I am there I really do enjoy it, and I'm glad that I am finally in a place where I can say that. This layoff is only temporary, and my position is secure so I can return. I am applying for unemployment today; I'm hoping we get good news there.

This weekend was Sir's birthday. When I had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday weekend, he finally said that he wanted to get a haircut. Haha, not what I meant, but whatever floats his boat. We both went and got haircuts together (mine was more of a trim). Since he is a meat and potatoes kind of fella, I made some steak, with mashed potatoes and broccoli. And shrimp cocktail for appetizers. And of course, ice cream cake, his favorite. On Saturday night, we went out to celebrate. Went to a local sushi restaurant. Then went to see The Martian. Sir does love his movies. When I think about it, last year we pretty much did the same exact thing. Went to the same restaurant, and went to the same movie theatre! It doesn't really matter though, as long as he is happy.

Sir was taking a picture of my outfit (I made sure to wear something to show off cleavage for him) and I started walking toward him like Frankenstein's monster. Sir also let me take one photo of him at dinner, hahah.

This morning I woke up, enjoying my first day off of this break. I have had a few days to relax with Sir, so I don't feel too much of a need to decompress. I think I can be really productive today, and get things done, like the mountain of cleaning our place desperately needs.

When I came out into the living room, Sir had left a note for me. He hasn't done that in months, and usually when he does, he hand-writes them. Today, he had printed it.

I thought it was interesting that he signed it with his actual name (which I edited before posting), as opposed to Sir, which is what he has done in the past. I guess that reflects the changes that have happened in the past few months. He has mentioned that he wanted us to sit down and talk about our goals, so I have been thinking about that somewhat, though I didn't realize he wanted us to put pen to paper separately.

I'll make these words the priority on being productive today!

A Big Smile for a Small Task

Absolute highlight of my day today:

Sir just sent that to me. Such a small thing fills me with joy - a task. To be useful. To serve. The happiness in my heart as I jumped up to get things ready for him is spread wide across my face.

I have the soda in the fridge, waiting. I have a glass cup in the freezer with ice so it will be extra cold. I am ready. And if Sir lets me, I will glomp him.

^_^

Practicing Patience

I am off today. Sir and I went out for dinner last night, and there weren't any leftovers to pack for his lunch. I could have put something together last night, but I didn't.

So this morning I got up with Sir to prepare a lunch and a breakfast for him. I was sleepy and not fully awake, but I think it helped me. I just... felt submissive this morning. He was brushing his teeth and whatnot in the bathroom when I asked him a question about what he would like to do for a beverage for his lunch (I need to go to the store). He was a little bit unintelligible, but then I clearly heard him tell me to wait.

So, I stopped and waited, standing for him in the living room.

And waited.

He seemed to be taking a long time. I was starting to get impatient. I am not a patient person. It is something I have to work on.

Sir has recently said that he is more patient, while I am more responsible. But this morning, I didn't let my impatience get the best of me. I walked over to our couch, sat down, and just waited. 

As he instructed.

And I just felt... peace. I felt an overwhelming sense of rightness come over me. So I just sat there, waiting for his response. After he came out and dealt with me/the situation and had breakfast, he told me to go to back to bed. I was going to wait for him until he left, to be a good submissive.

But what is good here? That's not for me to decide. Sir grabbed me by my collar, dragged me into the bedroom, and shoved me into the bed, where he then lovingly tucked me in, placing kisses on my forehead before departing for the day.

I need to learn when I should be patient and when not to be!

This Whole Resisting Thing

I've been really overanalyzing my thoughts on resistance and submission lately.

Sir and I have stayed up many nights the past couple of weeks just talking in bed after we turn the lights off about our future (both D/s and otherwise). 

treasure kindly reached out to me after I wrote some of my feelings on resisting. Without replaying  the entire conversation here (a private message is private after all) she gave me a lot of food for thought (and a lot more confidence - things don't just happen overnight, just take one small step at a time). One thing that has really stuck in my mind however, was that the only way I could really start turning everything over to Sir was to really get my soul to believe that this is what I really want and need. She asked: Do you need (not want) to give Him the control?

I struggled with that. The idea of needing vs. wanting submission. Over many days I've found that yes, I do need it. We need it. Could I live without it? Yes, I could. I am capable of being vanilla in my romantic relationship. But not forever. Over time, our relationship would fail, I think. We would be miserable and probably end up parting ways; heartbroken.

My initial answer when reading that question wasn't a yes that burst forth from my being from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. And I think that I should be that confident in my response to that question. Do I need to submit? If the answer is no, then what the hell are we doing here  for the past 4 years, you know?

I was thinking that I was letting some trust issues get in the way of really giving up control to Sir. And that everything was failing because of that. But really... it's not. Yes, we're having a bumpy time trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work for us. But I think Sir and I really overlooked something major when analyzing our situation. 

I'm not the only one who needs to make progress and grow. Sir and I focus so much on me growing as a submissive. But Sir also needs to grow as a dominant. Sir recognizes that his perfect submissive isn't something that I'm going to just wake up and be tomorrow. It is something that we have to work towards and shape. It is likewise for him. He isn't going to be the perfect dominant (and no human beings are really perfect ever), overnight. Becoming the dominant that he wants to be (and that I would need him to be to make our relationship work) isn't going to happen overnight. Things aren't going to magically come together. We have to both work to figure it out. One way we thought of helping him grow is to really make him mindful of it. I reflect much in writing this blog. Sir says it is an invaluable resource when it comes to getting into my head. I find that it also helps me grow as a submissive when I'm actively engaged in thinking about it, both my own feelings and experiences, as well as others. It's why I love interacting with other people and their blogs. Sir is thinking that perhaps he should start a journal or something so he can really begin that self-analysis. I think it would work wonders for him.

I was struggling with the idea of giving up so much control to Sir especially all at once with the new rules, behaviors, procedures, and protocols he's developing, and feeling that it was because I couldn't trust him in some regard. Well, that's partially true. But I think that I should replace the word trust with fear. I don't fear Sir. I fear what will happen if things don't work out like we want them to. I fear that he won't be consistent, that he won't plan fully and think ahead. that things will slip by and we won't grow as people. That things will stop working for us. That we will get complacent and vanilla and bored. That we will be unhappy. So I suppose I don't trust that it is actually going to happen. But can that not happen over time? Little by little? We can BOTH work on  his control and my submission with one thing at a time. Reinstating things that he has had past control over is a good step. They're things we're comfortable with doing. Like controlling how I dress. I tried to go deeper with it, accept it more fully and put a pair of capri shorts into the donation bag. The less pants I own, the more I HAVE to adhere to dress code. But I just put ONE. One little thing at a time. I have maybe a handful more pairs of shorts/pants etc to add. Over time, I'll part with them and accept his control of this. And I'll trust him to be on top of me if he catches me wanting to put on a pair of sweatpants and stroll out the door.

We spoke of our life sort of being "on hold". Yes, we moved in together. Yes, we moved 160 miles from our family and former social circle (thus freeing us up to be more open about kink, and seek information/companionship from the larger community with less risk of being outed). Yes, Sir is working on advancing his career. But ultimately, this is not where we plan to really settle down and live our lives. And in a way, it's a weird sort of headspace we've put ourselves in. Almost like the things we do here "don't matter" because this isn't our real life... yet. We're throwing ourselves into this crazy endeavor for 2 years so Sir can hone the skills he needs to develop a career he will have for the rest of his life. It is stressful. I am finding that I have to support Sir in a "bossy" fashion more than we ever thought I'd need to, not just financially, but to help keep him on task. This is to help him, of course. It's hard to keep a submissive mindset when I'm "telling him what to do" essentially. But I think if we change HOW we think of it, things like that could be part of my submission to him. I am serving him by being bossy and telling him what he needs to do, if it is what he needs to keep him on track academically. If it is what he needs to hear in order to help around the house and not burn out his submissive. This is what is working for us right now. I try to phrase things more submissively: "Sir, there are dishes in the sink," instead of "Sir, do these dishes". That way it is Sir's decision on whether or not to do them, I'm just making him aware. Control will go from me to him, one little thing at a time. Even though our life can be "on hold" we can still live it NOW, and do what is right for us now. We can work on attaining those far-off goals, today.

What  we really need is a plan, and I believe Sir agrees. Sir and I speak a lot about the future, about our wants for life, submission and otherwise. But I think to actually sit down and plan out HOW to accomplish these things will really help. If Sir decides he wants me to get myself into such shape to be able to wear a corset, then we need a plan as to how that will occur. Step 1 is working on my back health/posture, which we're starting. Step 2... needs to be figured out. Things like that. Once his rules are completed, maybe we'll have a baseline of what those things will be. What areas he truly wants control over. One thing we both agree on, is he doesn't want to control my bodily functions. He wants no part of what I do in the bathroom. This is different than, "May I go to the bathroom", because I'm really asking permission to leave his side, not permission to excrete right then and there. He wants that door closed when I'm in there.

So, thank you treasure. Your words really do mean a lot to me, and I take them to heart. It has helped me (and him) ask those important questions that will shape our relationship. It has helped us realize what we really want (and need!) from each other. And it has given us a direction for our future. I really look up to you and your "can do it" disposition, and consider you a friend.

A New 2015

We're back from the Holiday Family Visit craziness (seriously, 8 Christmas visits in 4 days, 3 states, and a good 600 miles on my car). We have a New Year's Party tonight, and then we can finally relax from the Holiday insanity. Sir and I are doing better. After the day I lost my cool and flung my collar, we had a series of conversations that restructured things a bit. Fixing how our relationship works wasn't something that could be talked about quickly. We had a lot of talk before we left for Christmas, and a lot of time to talk in the 3 hour (each way) trip to see our families, plus traveling between homes.

Sir has decided to take on more responsibility in the home. He had  me make a list of all the things that I do around the house (and he was surprised by the length of the list). He took a bunch of items and made them his responsibility. I am struggling with letting him do them (it's hard not to, when you're used to handling everything). I am also trying to remind him gently, and give him quick tasks to help me faster when I'm doing the house.

I'm also to make a basic schedule for myself in hour-long increments and schedule in cooking, cleaning, relaxing, bath time, etc. Sir will change what he sees fit. I think this will help me because I am often in the house thinking: I don't know what to do. Even if there is nothing TO do. It is hard for me to accept that and just read or play a video game. I guess I feel like I always have to be productive or doing something. Hopefully that will change. Recharging my batteries is productive.

He's started revamping my rules. which lead to more conversation. They'll go officially into effect in 2015, though I'm starting to follow them now. He's included mandatory time for me to decompress and relax, a bedtime, a relaxation/back exercise time before bed. He's also reinstated my dress code, which is proving challenging. He's also for the first time ever, included an orgasm rule, in that I must climax at least 3 times per week (not including any orgasms given by Sir). Perhaps this will help me feel more sexy and help with my libido issues. He's still editing the rules with all our conversations about our relationship, my needs/wants, his needs/wants, and my abilities/limits.

It is hard for me to accept that I cannot do everything. It is hard for me to ask for help. But I am one person and I cannot do everything. I was letting it make me feel like a failure, or as not being a good submissive, but I need to recognize that I have limitations. I need to have time for me, in order to be a good submissive. If I don't have downtime, I will burn out, and not be able to serve Sir anyway. This was something that Tamar helped me realize. Sir is not a jerk who demands me do everything and him nothing, but he doesn't always think about everything to the fullest extent. It is something of a pet peeve of mine (being that my brain almost never turns off), but I recognize he's not actively trying to be a jerk or work me into the ground. As soon as we realized what was happening, he took immediate measures to make things better, and for that (and much more) I love him.

I can't wait to see what this New Year brings!