I know at one point someone said to me here, just to put the damn collar on and resume your lives.
I don't know why I put more significance into it than that, but I do.
I think its because I feel like the collar is an extension of how we're doing in the D/s aspect of our lives. When things started slipping, that's when the collar went. And we've not really gotten it back; not fully. I also feel that it is not my place to decide that it should come back on, that takes the control and puts it in my lap. Do I submit only when I feel like it? No. (Well, lately, yes - sometimes if we are being honest).
And so the collar hasn't come back on; not fully. There have been times here or there, but it has not been consistent. Though I do have the wristcollar. I have not been "properly" collared for about two years now.
Two years.
That seems insane to "say out loud".
I only really thought of it because tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, and that is really where things went downhill.
Sir and I did have a nice long chat about this while we were driving down to North Carolina this past weekend (this is one of the reasons I love road trips with Sir; talk; somehow we have different conversations in the car).
He was so flabbergasted about the two-year collar revelation. It was like an epiphany for him. I told him that I have really been trying lately, trying to be more submissive. He said that he has noticed. But it has been really difficult. I truly feel that I am really ready this time; that I have moved past my grief enough to function as a real person again. I think I have been doing well for some time now. But I feel like I am submitting into a vacuum. There are really no expectations. There are no consquences. I need to be held to some standards. When there are no consequences or expectations, I interpret that as the task not being truly important.
There is one exception here - the wristcollar. Sir has been amazingly consistent there. He checks up on that, to make sure I am wearing it. If I am not, he puts it back on and I have been punished a few times for forgetting it.
But other than that, there isn't anything really. I don't have to make his lunches. I don't have to wear my collar. I probably don't have to adhere to my dress code either, though I do.
So I guess I need more from him. What does he actually want from me? Because right now, I'm not really sure. He does tell me to do things from time to time, and we still engage in some kinky fuckery here and there, but to me, I think I feel like we're just playing house sometimes when the mood strikes rather than really living it.
And while that is totally fine if that is your thing, I'm not fine with it. I want more.
Hopefully there will be more.
I don't know why I put more significance into it than that, but I do.
I think its because I feel like the collar is an extension of how we're doing in the D/s aspect of our lives. When things started slipping, that's when the collar went. And we've not really gotten it back; not fully. I also feel that it is not my place to decide that it should come back on, that takes the control and puts it in my lap. Do I submit only when I feel like it? No. (Well, lately, yes - sometimes if we are being honest).
And so the collar hasn't come back on; not fully. There have been times here or there, but it has not been consistent. Though I do have the wristcollar. I have not been "properly" collared for about two years now.
Two years.
That seems insane to "say out loud".
I only really thought of it because tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, and that is really where things went downhill.
Sir and I did have a nice long chat about this while we were driving down to North Carolina this past weekend (this is one of the reasons I love road trips with Sir; talk; somehow we have different conversations in the car).
He was so flabbergasted about the two-year collar revelation. It was like an epiphany for him. I told him that I have really been trying lately, trying to be more submissive. He said that he has noticed. But it has been really difficult. I truly feel that I am really ready this time; that I have moved past my grief enough to function as a real person again. I think I have been doing well for some time now. But I feel like I am submitting into a vacuum. There are really no expectations. There are no consquences. I need to be held to some standards. When there are no consequences or expectations, I interpret that as the task not being truly important.
There is one exception here - the wristcollar. Sir has been amazingly consistent there. He checks up on that, to make sure I am wearing it. If I am not, he puts it back on and I have been punished a few times for forgetting it.
But other than that, there isn't anything really. I don't have to make his lunches. I don't have to wear my collar. I probably don't have to adhere to my dress code either, though I do.
So I guess I need more from him. What does he actually want from me? Because right now, I'm not really sure. He does tell me to do things from time to time, and we still engage in some kinky fuckery here and there, but to me, I think I feel like we're just playing house sometimes when the mood strikes rather than really living it.
And while that is totally fine if that is your thing, I'm not fine with it. I want more.
Hopefully there will be more.
Hi Lea, I'm so sorry you lost your Father, anniversaries of loved ones are hard and we all grieve differently, if takes time. I think it makes sense that ttwd hasn't been as strong while you were grieving, you needed time and space.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the two of you were able to talk. Keep that communication going.
Hugs
Roz
I can appreciate being able to talk "differently" on long rides. It's almost as if there is no pressure to finish quickly or be efficient with our conversations the way we (subconsciously, sometimes) do in regular daily life.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the loss of your father, and like Roz says, it takes time. The question is when do you find your equilibrium again? and how will it look like. I hope you manage to keep talking and sharing your needs until you find your new balance. *hugs*
Roz, thank you. The loss of my father is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I miss him terribly, and some days it can be so hard. It has impacted nearly every part of my life, and unfortunately that meant our D/s too. I think we're going to get it back though!
ReplyDeleteFondles, I love what you had to say about talks on car rides being different - they are! Sir and I have always been pretty good with communicating; we're very open with one another. We tried the past two years to get it all back together, but I feel like this time we can really do it; I've healed a lot more.