Collar is Back After Over a Week!

Things have felt so crazy here lately. If it wasn't for Fit for Friday, I probably wouldn't have posted at all in the past three weeks.

I don't think it is going to slow down until mid-summer. We found a place! And now...we have to move. We have to pack. An entire two bedroom apartment, plus the basement, which is full of my dad's stuff. That is probably going to take up all of our free time.

I am currently sitting with my leg up. I strained my tendon (hopefully; it may be a tear), and was told to be off of it for four days. The first two days I had work at a big event we were putting on. There was a lot of moving, though I tried to be "off" of it as much as I could. Today and tomorrow, I am off. So I will rest it as much as possible. I feel guilt that some things aren't getting done right now though (cleaning, packing, yardwork, etc). But I'll see if I can do some of it without causing pain and stress to my knee.

In other news, I am happy to say I am back to wearing my collar. It was off for about a week and a half. I had some kind of irritation or rash or something on my neck and the collar was exacerbating it.  I also noticed I had a pimple and I think I'm getting more skin tags. I'm wondering if all that is due to the collar. I have been remiss in that I don't think we really ever clean this leather. It's not something I ever thought about. Though it is not jewelry, I think I treat it as such, and I hardly ever clean my jewelry either (unless it needs it). But my neck is finally better after giving it a break. It finally healed enough for the collar to come back. It actually felt weird! I thought I was so used to it, but after just over a week of it being off, it felt a little like a stranger again.

It's back, and thank goodness. I think it does wonders for my headspace. Without it, I can feel myself drifting from submission. I probably need to ask Sir for a spanking or something.

Quiet Jingle

I felt like I had a bell around my neck. Normally, I don't really pay much attention to the sound my collar makes as I move around the house. It does jingle, and Sir absolutely loves that, though. I have three o-rings on it that clink and clatter when I move.

But that night, Sir went to bed early. He had two interviews in the morning (HOORAY!). And a pinched nerve in his neck making him feel shitty.

I had some pressing volunteer work I had to finish, so I went to bed after him. I was trying to be quiet and respectful when coming to bed. I didn't turn on the lights. I used my phone light to find my pajamas and put them on. So as quiet as I am trying to be, naturally I fall trying to get into my PJ pants, which were half inside-out. A crash and a lot of jingling from my collar.

He didn't appear to wake, thankfully. Then I had forgotten to take my medicine, so I went to do that before bed. I come back in the room, thinking I don't need a light and crash directly into the laundry basket. A curse, and jingling everywhere.

You jingly little fuck!

It didn't seem like Sir woke up, but in the morning we were talking and he said he did remember that part, the laundry basket crash.

Dang. I thought I had managed. Well, I got my butt into bed and stopped interrupting Sir's sleep!

Click the lips for more photos using Rule of Thirds

Collar Fumble Recovery

A few days before I left for my trip, Sir had decided that he was bringing this back:

This is the first collar we ever had. It was purchased just down the street from Sir's old house back in New Jersey. In an independent locally owned pet store. My first collar was originally intended for a dog.

It was early on in our relationship, and I do remember us having a laugh looking over the collars, but then Sir picked one. It was like a fun shared secret as it was rung up, just between us. I remember being paranoid that everyone somehow "knew".

I wore it again at Sir's demand all these years between its first use, and it felt totally weird to me.

It felt like I was going backward. That collar will always have a special place in my heart, as the first one... but I also think of it as the collar we got when we were newbs and had no real idea of what we were doing. It didn't last very long, and I'm thinking now that this may be the first picture we've ever put up of it (I'll have to check).

So to put that collar back on, it felt like regression to me. Like failure, somehow. I brought it up to Sir, who had wondered if I was going to feel like that. But he didn't say anything initially because he didn't want to put that in my head if it wasn't there.

He had noticed that I was having trouble with the Big Collar. I typically wear it on two notches. Sir was trying to go for three during the day, and back to two at night. I never asked him to change it, but he noticed that I was constantly fiddling with it. It felt very constricting to me. I don't like things on my neck like that. I don't even wear turtleneck shirts!

He thought that because this one wasn't as thick, wearing it tighter against the skin might be easier.

I suppose it was, but I didn't really enjoy the few days that I was wearing it.

Then I went to North Carolina for ten days, and I was collarless. I miss the wristcollar, especially in a situation like that.

But when I finally got back last night, Sir had my Big Collar waiting for me.

He thought about it, and when I lost the wristcollar, he gave me the Big Collar with explicit instructions.

"How many collars do you have?"

"One, Sir".

And this was that one. Of course until he decides otherwise.

Its been back only for a day so far, but I feel better with it on.

Even if I am fidgeting with my neck. 

I'll get used to it eventually, right?

Thinking with my Hands Tied

Gotta tell ya, I'm proud of this photo.
I took it with my phone, using my face!

This is the current state of things at the moment. Sir said that the rope would help me to "not do things". Because I have done enough responsible things today - housework, errands, and such. It is hard for me to just relax and unwind. I tend to feel like I must be getting things done. Sir has said, "A lazy girl, you are not". So now my hands are quite literally tied.

Though it is a bit of a pain, I'm happy inside.

We had a conversation on New Years Day about the state of our D/s. I think it was prompted a bit by our discussion of the movie Secretary. We moved on to some articles that I had sent Sir. That's what we do - if I see a blog post or an article that I find relevant or think he might want to read, I send it to him via Fetlife. Makes it easier. One of the blog posts was about the writer talking about a lack of D/s in her relationship. That she subsists on scraps now and then. It resonated with me.

Sir asked me if I ever feel like that. And I had to tell him that I do. With the caveat that I don't feel that way in our vanilla side of the relationship, at all. He's very supportive, and I'm happy with us. He feels the same way as far as that goes.

 But for the D/s side... I do feel like that, often. Sir is... well, not absent... but certainly not really present. He's not focused.

I told him that when it comes to D/s, I feel like an afterthought. And while that was a truth he needed to hear, I've been thinking. It's not only him.

I read another blog (I wanted to link it but I forgot which one), where the person was talking about their accountability as the submissive in the relationship. That even if it's not what you thought it would be, your role is to submit. Yes, bring up to your Dom your concerns, but above all, obey. Defer to your Dom, and the dominance will come, sort of.

And I need to hold myself more accountable. There are basic things that I am not doing that I should be. Sir has been lenient, especially last week with my injury. But if we're being honest, there were certain things that were not happening even a bit before I got hurt.

There are things that are unofficial rules around here that I haven't been doing.
And there are things that I know would be pleasing to Sir, even if they aren't rules that I could be doing.

It's not like I have a lack of time. I've been home. I have been planning family and friend visits, but essentially, I've been home.

So I will work on that. I am happy to say that I think my head is in a good place. The collar was able to come back on New Years Day. The right way to start 2018. I was even able to sleep in it, though we weren't sure if that was going to be possible.

And I noticed that just with it being on, I felt small changes in myself. Today when I was getting dressed, I put on a skirt. If I am just in the house, I normally don't do that, though if I leave the house, I have on a dress or skirt. In the house, I don't bother to get "fully dressed". And when I come home I take that skirt off right away, just lounging around in my leggings and shirt. Though I am now remembering a time or two when I left in haste, no skirt. That's bad, but I don't want to lie.

It wasn't something I really thought about too much when doing it, but now that I'm thinking about it, I think being recollared had something to do with it. A small subtle change in mindset.

This is where I want to be. Making progress. And I think Sir will make more progress, too.

Though I haven't really mentioned it too much, I think Sir and I have come so far in rekindling D/s since our whole lives were thrown out of whack when my father passed away. Thinking about two years ago, and thinking about now... We are so much better. I don't think we are where we were before his death, because things were pretty awesome then, but I can see us getting back there now.

Before, it seemed like a far-off goal, something not really tangible or attainable. I can see us getting back there now.

One step at a time. One act of submission at a time. One command at a time.

Maybe one tie at a time!

When "Not Caring" is the Right Thing to Do - Happy New Year!

Sir: "I know you say the big collar is huge and cumbersome, but I kind of don't care."

 ♡.

❤!!!

I absolutely love that he said that a few days ago. And it's not that he doesn't care... I know he cares. A lot. Evidence for this is the fact that I haven't been wearing that collar, or any collar for the past week as my neck heals.

(I am thinking and hoping that I will be well enough for it to return tomorrow, at least during the day).

Sir is not an unfeeling dick. But he knows that my discomfort of the collar is not relevant. It is not life-threatening, it's not a limit, and I can live with it. Because he knows this, my arguments are irrelevant and he doesn't care. I will wear the collar.

This is the side of Sir that I love. The side of Sir that I have been missing.

Hopefully tomorrow, for the start of the new year, the collar will be able to return. We can start our New Year off right!

Getting used to the BIG collar

So, ever since I lost my wristcollar at the end of October, Sir has been having me wear the BIG collar. It is huge and cumbersome and uncomfortable.

Though, I can see the aesthetic appeal from Sir's point of view.

I thought I would never get used to it each and every day. And while I'm not still fully used to it (sleeping in it is difficult), I was forced to notice that it is becoming part of me.

Yesterday, when I went to run errands, I got my coat on and went to put on my scarf. It took me a few moments to figure out why my scarf wasn't going on correctly - my collar.

If it wasn't so cold out that I need winter clothing, thus making me realize it was there, I absolutely would have left the house wearing my big ol' monster collar.

I guess that is a step in the right direction, eh?

Collar and Lunches Update

So, it's been a few weeks since I've been re-collared, and its been going very well!

At first, it was a bit rocky. I was impatient. Sir did have the rule that I was not to collar myself when I got home (as we used to do), that I was to wait for him to do it.

Except, he didn't always remember. In fact, he usually did NOT remember, not at first. I hemmed and hawed over the decision and then I would just remind him. I was getting a little pissy, because I didn't want to have to remind him. I felt that it was becoming more of a "as long as it goes on before bed, even RIGHT before bed" type of thing than a thoughtful, purposeful thing. Maybe more of a bedtime ritual. But I'm not only his submissive in sleep, it's definitely more than that.

Well, things have changed. Sir has been on his game now, nearly always remembering. Instructing me to come to him and get collared every night.

And... though it's just a scrap of fabric and metal... it has an impact on me and my head. It helps me to remember what I am and who I belong to, especially when things get stressful and I want to hide from duty. It helps me have the fortitude to think of him, and get my lazy butt up when I want to let things slide. Like lunches.

I have been really trying with preparing his lunch every evening, or in the morning. I have slipped a few times, when I've gotten home from work past midnight (and had to be up at 5:30 am), or today, when I don't have work this morning, but he does and I slept in. He hasn't been mad at all; very understanding.

But I have been a lot better than I was. We were in this place where I was doing my own thing, getting myself ready, and he was doing his thing. Now, I make the time to think of him and making his morning easier. I have slipped a few mornings, but I see improvement. In both of us.

I hope he sees it too.

Sinful Sunday: Stairs (Chained in the Basement)

Sir and I had fun with this little shoot with the theme of Stairs for Sinful Sunday. When we get around to it, it's an intimate fun activity for us to do together.

He always jokes that he is going to keep me... keep me chained up in the basement. Perhaps it is not totally a joke.

Lucky for us, our neighbors are away this week (we share the basement).

For more stair-related photos, click the lips:

Collar Update and Drunken Fishie Rewards!

Today, Sir let me have three fishies! He even dropped one into my wine glass.

Hello, drunken fishie.

I'd been really busy at work lately but I guess I did a lot when I got home. I went for a jog (yay health and weight loss), cooked a teriyaki chicken casserole (in this 92 degree heat), did the dishes, did some gardening, took a shower, and called my mom and grandmom. I think he was more happy about the food appearing and the dishes disappearing, though.

Since my last post a few days ago, things with the collar are going well. Just after I clicked the "Publish" button, he actually had me come into the living room to collar me. I guess the talk made an impact on him. I think the "I haven't been properly collared for two years" statement was a bit of an epiphany for him as well. So, he re-collared me.

My new rule is that I must wait for him to collar me himself every evening after work - meaning I cannot collar myself when I get home, It will be done by him when he gets home (usually about a 2 - 3.5 hour time difference).

The second day when he got home I closed the door and kneeled by the collar cabinet, waiting. The next day he made me kneel and put it on me (which was a struggle since my legs were sore from jogging - I just started again). Yesterday he collared me just before bed (since I went to bed super early last night). And tonight, he made me go get the collar right after dinner (he made me wait because, "I'm eating, bitch!").

I think this is working for now. Just working on this. And I think really working on having his lunch ready  before I go to bed being another priority. With these two things, we can start to get back on track.

I am cautiously optimistic!

Collar - I Need More?

I know at one point someone said to me here, just to put the damn collar on and resume your lives.

I don't know why I put more significance into it than that, but I do.

I think its because I feel like the collar is an extension of how we're doing in the D/s aspect of our lives. When things started slipping, that's when the collar went. And we've not really gotten it back; not fully. I also feel that it is not my place to decide that it should come back on, that takes the control and puts it in my lap. Do I submit only when I feel like it? No. (Well, lately, yes - sometimes if we are being honest).

And so the collar hasn't come back on; not fully. There have been times here or there, but it has not been consistent. Though I do have the wristcollar. I have not been "properly" collared for about two years now.

Two years.

That seems insane to "say out loud".

I only really thought of it because tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, and that is really where things went downhill.

Sir and I did have a nice long chat about this while we were driving down to North Carolina this past weekend (this is one of the reasons I love road trips with Sir; talk; somehow we have different conversations in the car).

He was so flabbergasted about the two-year collar revelation. It was like an epiphany for him. I told him that I have really been trying lately, trying to be more submissive. He said that he has noticed. But it has been really difficult. I truly feel that I am really ready this time; that I have moved past my grief enough to function as a real person again. I think I have been doing well for some time now. But I feel like I am submitting into a vacuum. There are really no expectations. There are no consquences. I need to be held to some standards. When there are no consequences or expectations, I interpret that as the task not being truly important.

There is one exception here - the wristcollar. Sir has been amazingly consistent there. He checks up on that, to make sure I am wearing it. If I am not, he puts it back on and I have been punished a few times for forgetting it.

But other than that, there isn't anything really. I don't have to make his lunches. I don't have to wear my collar. I probably don't have to adhere to my dress code either, though I do.

So I guess I need more from him. What does he actually want from me? Because right now, I'm not really sure. He does tell me to do things from time to time, and we still engage in some kinky fuckery here and there, but to me, I think I feel like we're just playing house sometimes when the mood strikes rather than really living it.

And while that is totally fine if that is your thing, I'm not fine with it. I want more.

Hopefully there will be more.

A Choker

When I was out shopping recently (a necessity for a wedding), it seemed that every store had chokers for sale. On somewhat of a whim, I bought one. I wore it out for Sir's birthday dinner. It is velvet with a round sparkly charm threaded through it.

Since I wore a purple velvet top and a black velvet skirt to dinner, it matched quite nicely.

I also wore it out to a munch this weekend (the first we've attended in about a year).

I found this to be an act of service for a few reasons. One, I don't really like wearing chokers. Similar to how I don't like wearing turtlenecks - constricting on my throat. Secondly, it is something I can wear in public for Sir. We don't have a day collar, and I don't wear a collar around my neck in public. I do have my wristcollar, though.

Sir's response: "Eh, it's okay".

I thought he wasn't in love with it because he likes BIG neck collars. While that may be true, his main reason was different.

"I didn't put it there."

Whoa. He's given me much to think about. Perhaps I was being too presumptuous. My intentions I think were good, but he raised an excellent point. I suppose for now, it will go away unless he deems otherwise.

Collared in the Car

Sir's mother is turning 70! We drove out there to celebrate with her. Sir's sister made reservations at a pretty swanky Italian restaurant. Sir's mother didn't want a big party, so we had a nice dinner out instead (we did tell her that for 75, we're doing a party, so she's got 5 years to get used to the idea).

Sir had me wear my collar in the car on the way there and back. A one-way trip is about 3 hours.

I was freaking out a little bit. What if we're seen? I asked Sir if I could put my scarf around my collar to walk to the car from our house. He let me, and once we got gas and were on the road, the scarf had to come off. I was a little nervous, but at least in the car there is some kind of false anonymity behind the metal frame. Sure, people might see us, but it will only be for a moment at 70 mph. Soon I forgot about it.

That is, until we got near the house. I started bringing up more and more when I'd be able to remove it. Where it would go once it was removed.  I was so anxious, worrying about what I would do if Sir told me I had to keep it on (not that I thought he would, especially in front of his mother). Or if he had me remove it in front of the house and they were outside, or if we were driving through town and they saw us. What would we say? How would that be received? The collar I was wearing couldn't be played off as anything else, really. As we got off the highway and got closer and closer to the house, I could feel myself nearly vibrating with the anxious energy. I was physically sitting on my hands to keep them from touching my collar. I was clenching my jaw to not ask Sir, "Now? How about now? ....Now? Here?"

Eventually as we turned onto the main road of their town 5 minutes to go, Sir allowed me to remove the collar. I asked him why he chose that distance. He simply said, "This is what I decided".

He instructed me to put the collar in his glovebox, but he had too many gaming things in there. I put it instead in the pocket of the car door, curling the one end in the cupholder. I still felt like it was screaming, "Look at me! Look at me!", so I covered it gently with napkins.

It was a good thing I did though, since Sir's mother ended up going in his car when we rode to the restaurant! Normally, I insist that she take the front seat on the rare occasions when this happens, but she hopped in back quickly and I was so paranoid that she would find the collar up there.

Nothing happened, and it was a lovely evening out and spending time with his family.

Once we were back on the road home, Sir had me re-collar for the drive. By the time we got to our house near 1 am, I honestly don't recall if I covered up or not from the car to the house. I must have, but it was dark and I was exhausted. I cared much less.

An interesting observation: it was amazing to me how many people did NOT notice, at all. When we were stopped at lights I thought there may have been stares, and I was bracing myself for the scrutiny. But I didn't notice any. There may have been some I didn't notice, but if there were I'm glad I didn't!

I don't like to feel put on the spot or like I'm under the microscope, but I'm glad Sir had me do this.

Have a Little Faith

I need to stop being such a Negative Nancy. Things are good. Why do I dwell on the downsides?

We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).

I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.

So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.

After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.

Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.

And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.

Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.

I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?

In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.

I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.

I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.

Haircut and My Collar

That awkward moment when you're about to get a haircut, take off your coat and realize you're still wearing your collar.

Sir and I had a nice low-key weekend. Watched movies, cleaned the house, went food shopping, got haircuts (just a trim for me, of course). And the stylist listened, so my hair is healthy, but still very long! It's now to my butt, and I didn't want to compromise that progress.

Before my haircut, while still panicking, I chose to surreptitiously (I hope) remove my collar and tuck it into my purse. I'm not sure if anyone saw - not sure how visible it was before I removed my coat. And part of me wishes that I wouldn't care. That if they did see it - so what? We're far from my job, far from my family, and far from anyone whose negative opinion would affect my life.

But I still have that fear - what if it comes back to bite me in the ass?

So, I'm back to wearing my collar as of last week. And I guess this moment in the Hair Salon is what I get for being out of practice!

Reflecting on a particular "scene".

I keep thinking about Sir and me on Monday and why it seemed so... important. So much more intense than normal, when in all actuality, we've done far kinkier things. He pinned my hands, teased my breasts, teased my lips, and pulled my hair.

But it felt like the world to me.

I think part of it was that feeling of control. But I also think that a lot of it has to do with the entire thing being organic. It wasn't planned. We were goofing around with me trying to get him with my hair bands, and then somehow, things shifted. The very air around us seemed to change.

Lately, we've been so busy and overworked that we've literally had conversations about which date we could plan sex. Sex is an important part of any relationship - sure the whole relationship can't be about sex, but if you take the sex out it causes problems. But it's difficult to get into it when you feel like you're on a prescribed schedule. This time, we just were us. No plans- letting things flow naturally. We stayed up late and the sacrifice of sleep was worth it.

I think the other thing that made me happy about the experience was just that I was really into it. Sir says I was wet. Very wet. This time last year, I had almost no libido because of the medication I was on, and it was a real struggle to get interested. I was afraid that somehow it would be like that forever! I am so relieved and thankful to see that is no longer the case.

As a sidenote, I had not been wearing my collar regularly lately (but I have been wearing my wristcollar). Sir hadn't given me shit for it; he said himself that he hasn't been enforcing anything lately, and that's true. But I put it on of my own accord that night, and I've kept it on so far.

He laughed, saying, "I fucked you so good it made you put your collar on!"

I guess that is one way to go about it. ;)

Wearing My Collar in Public... Again

Last night I went out to a vanilla meetup to chat with some fellow geek ladies. I decided to walk there to burn off the calories of eating everything at the movies earlier with Sir. It's not a far walk, about 15 minutes. I reach the place, take off my coat, start to take off my scarf.... and feel my collar. I stop, and very ungraciously mention that I have to go to the bathroom. I could have sworn someone was starting to ask what my necklace was, since it was neat, but I think my abrupt statement cut them off.

I went to the bathroom... debating. Do I take it off? Do I just hide it behind my shirt... you could still see the clasp behind my neck though... in the end, I took it off, and folded it into my scarf. I came out of the bathroom, feeling a bit awkward. No one said anything. But I knew.

What would have been the harm in saying screw it, I'm leaving it on? If anyone asks I can either say it's a necklace or tell them the truth. But I suppose I wasn't yet ready. These ladies don't know me really well. They don't know where I live. They know my profession, but I doubt anything bad would happen by me being honest about that... and yet that fear is there. That somehow it will affect my career and therefore me and Sir's livelihood. My family is too far away for someone to see. But I suppose I just don't trust people. And Sir and I are not in a place, I feel, that any repercussions could just roll off our backs. I forget sometimes when I am with like minded cool people that this area we now live in is extremely conservative, even backwards (to my mind) in beliefs and thinking. I just don't want anything bad to happen to us. Maybe that wouldn't be an issue but I feel like it's a huge risk that I can't take.

Funny though, this has been the second time this week I've left the house with my collar on. It's just so light that I don't even think about it being there. Or maybe I've just been so used to not taking anything off, since I stay in the house most of the time. I need to be careful because I'm going back to work in a couple weeks and I CANNOT afford to expose myself in my career.

I just hate that I feel it's necessary to hide who we are. I do wonder if a day will come where we'll be in a place where we can be freer.... or if we decide that the risks of being found out, and any repercussions that may come of it are worth it. Fight the idiots that don't mind their own business, and the like.

Maybe one day.

Valentine's and Back to a Collar

All is quiet on our eastern front.

We're getting over what Sir is affectionately calling "the plague". Unfortunately, I spread the love and he got sick too. I'm starting to feel better as he is feeling worse.

This weekend we had a nice low-key Valentine's. On Friday night we went to a new Hibachi and  Sushi Buffet. The food was great and the ambiance was very enjoyable. More selection than the other buffet we typically go to and a dollar cheaper! We stuffed our faces. On Saturday I had work, teaching a class on chocolate and candles for the holiday. It was a lot of effort but a great success! Sir and I also got to eat all the leftovers. Sunday my cousin had a party for her son's first birthday. I drove out there and spent time in the bouncy house and the ball pit with all the kiddos as a grown adult. I was loving it though. I stopped to get Sir a nerdy valentine's box (Avengers lollipop box) and some ginger ale to help his cold. We went to see Deadpool on Monday and I made Chicken Marsala - a nice ending to the weekend.

I've been a little grumpy lately. Not really depressed, but cranky. I guess I'm trading one issue for the other. I'm wondering if my birth control has anything to do with it. I'll stay on it, because I can overcome the grumpiness in exchange for not using condoms. I don't seem to be having other effects, so I'll ride it out.

In other news, Sir decided last night that I may now wear an actual collar as opposed to the chain. He said that I earned it. I am glad he feels this way, but part of me disagrees inside. I feel like I am not making enough of an effort, and am generally being a lazy defiant bum. But maybe in the face of everything that's going on, I've made strides. Maybe I don't feel quite the same as I did this time last year, but even I have to admit I'm better than I was a few months ago. Progress?

I just realized that I went to the dentist today with my collar on. It's so light compared to the chain that I feel as though I'm wearing nothing at all.  No one said anything and they may not have even seen it with my sweater and coat on. Oh well!

Some Struggles and Fears

I've been having trouble with schedule and sleeping.

Sir and I are both the type of people that naturally revert to being night-owls if we don't have day-jobs.

On the plus side, I finally received unemployment! I can actually take this break during the winter lay-off from my job without worrying about finances or looking for other work. We can work on getting us back to us. Work on healing my broken heart. Work on my headspace.

A couple of days ago, Sir and I came back in the house from picking up our Christmas cards. I started cooking and forgot to put my chain back on.

He caught me, and put it back around my neck, close to my throat.

We had dinner, watched some Doctor Who.

After, he made sure to let me know that he didn't forget.

Stripping me bare, he had me stand and get reacquainted with the corner, straddling a small waste-bin we have in the bedroom.

I tried to fight him at first. I'm not sure where the impulse came from.  I fought him from removing my clothes. He "gave up" - but not really. It was more humiliating to stand there, nude except for my socks and my tights around my ankles.

I should feel contrite. He had me stand there for... I'm not sure how long. At least a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. But I didn't feel contrite. At all. I definitely felt like I don't want to forget again, because I don't want to stand there wasting time, but I wasn't feeling bad for not remembering.

My head is not in the right place. I should feel disappointed in myself, and have an urge for doing better. I do have a small urge, but I think it's coming from the wrong place, from not wanting to be punished.. I suppose it will take time for me to get my own head back. I have different thought patterns and new fears.

Last night while I lay awake in bed I blurted out to Sir a fear that I've just been keeping in my head.

I'm afraid of him dying.

I never used to be, not really. I'd worry if I didn't hear from him or if he was out late, but it wasn't a real tangible fear.

Unlike fearing for Sir, I never really worried about my dad dying. I suppose I'm worrying about Sir because of my dad dying though. My dad seemed young; these things happen to other people. I've had deaths in my life but not like this. My uncle died when I was 11; he was about my age when he passed. But I was too young to fully process it I think. After that, I had other relatives pass; all were older though.

The first person to pass away that had a real, lasting grieving effect on me was my Nana, my dad's mother. But she was older, and was terminally ill. It wasn't a surprise or shock. And though I miss her, the pain was less. I could think about her not suffering anymore; at peace. I could think of her long life.

But this pain with my dad is different. I think about how young he was and how him and us were robbed of his future. All the things we'll miss out on. And I guess that's making me worry about losing a future with Sir.

Last night he went to a local game store to play. He gave me a call in the afternoon and said he wouldn't be home until later. This is not an uncommon occurrence. As the time got later however, I kept wondering "what if". What if he didn't come home? What if something happens?

Luckily my fears were not realized, and Sir came home to cuddle, but that didn't stop me from leaking all over his back as we spooned (I was the "big" little spoon).

I guess with time it will all get better. My headspace will improve and hopefully those fears will dissipate.

Renewal

Sir finally decided to make the renewal of our relationship "official" - at least for us.

This is what I am currently wearing around my neck as a symbol of my service to him:

New collar. As an aside, I'm totally loving my purple hair.

I have worn a chain around my neck before, as a punishment in a way. Because I needed an attitude adjustment. I thought about it much and did my best to accomplish it in the spirit that Sir had intended. I hope that I can accomplish this again.

I was taking a bath the other night when Sir came into the bathroom.

"When you are finished with your bath, I want you to come find me."

Gulp.

I was immediately nervous. When I was done with my bath I came to him before anything else - no dressing or drying off.

When I came into the office, I saw that on his computer screen was my previous post about who should re-initiate a D/s relationship.

My anxiety magnified tenfold.

He asked me, "Are you nervous?"

"Yes, of course I am!"

"Why?"

"...Because you're going to do ... something!"

"What am I going to do?"

"I... I don't know!"

I think that is the biggest part of anxiety - the not knowing.

"You have my post up there like it's on purpose for me to see; of course I'm nervous!"

"It is on purpose."

Part of me overthinks and over-analyzes and wonders if all this was prompted soley because of my post. Sir likes getting into my head, but I don't want to try and manipulate situations through him reading my blog. I should just get over myself though. If he didn't want to take action; he wouldn't. The blog is just another tool for him to take a peek  in my brain.

At this point he grabbed my wrists and pulled me over his lap, proceeding to spank my ass. I started counting in my head while I was wiggling around and he made it to over 130 before he stopped and had me stand before him.

He took out the chain and secured it around my neck, pressing a kiss there once he was finished.

Then he yanked me over his lap and beat my ass some more.

When he was done, he told me to get a paper and a pen. To start some dictation.

The seven year old in me wanted to giggle. But I got the paper and pen.

He had me write the following per his instructions, and read it back to him a few times:


1. I will sleep naked unless on my period or given permission to do otherwise.

2. I will wear the collar that has been provided to me by my Sir.

3. I will maintain the house to the best of my ability. Specific circumstances and events which may interfere with that task will be approved by Sir.

4. I will greet my Sir when he comes home in a submissive and respectful manner.

For number three, I helped him rework it a few times so it made grammatical sense. I asked him too many questions about how each of the rules would play out, so he added this:

5. I will obey the rules that are given to me in the spirit in which they are given and I will not nitpick about technicalities.


It's been a few days. Sleeping naked is an adjustment, but it's not as hard as I thought. I think it will be more difficult when it gets colder. Yesterday it was in the 50's, which is unseasonably warm for December in Pennsylvania. I keep a set of pajamas by the bed so I don't freeze when I wake up. I ask Sir for permission to put them on while in the house.

I need to work on greeting Sir when he comes home. That was a rule introduced.... before. I think this is the one that will take most of my attention.

Having the chain is a joy for me. It helps me get in the right mindset. It's different than before. I do feel like I have the chain because I'm not ready for a proper collar yet, like before. But I feel less punitive about it this time. Things went awry, and we have to build ourselves back up. We can pick up and move on, but I don't think we can just pick up right were we left off before - too much has happened, too much has fallen. Though I am in control of my actions, I think given the circumstances of why things went south, I don't feel like I am being punished. It's not so much that I lost my submissive nature; it's just that everything else was sucked out of me, submission included. I've been running at bare subsistence level and it's time to build that up. The chain as a collar is a first step in that direction; that's what it means to me. It's more controlled by the environment; temperature and the like. It's got holes. But over time perhaps I will fill those holes in my heart and my submission and work my way back.

Sir said if I do well, perhaps a new collar is in order. I hope I can become worthy of that.

Just A Few More Days/Collarless

Just a few more days and then I feel like I can hopefully truly start working on myself and make progress for Sir.

I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.

I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.

I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.

Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.

He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.

I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.

I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.