Monday, December 08, 2014

Restrictions/Slump

Lately, Sir and I have both noticed that we're in a bit of a slump D/s wise. It's not that it isn't going on, because it is. I can definitely say that now that we're living together, there is much more going on. But I suppose after awhile, it all starts feeling...routine. I suppose I'm not appreciating it.

Sir has noticed it, too.

I think part of it is because I'm not feeling actively controlled or dominated. Things just are. I wear my collar, I do the shopping, the cooking the cleaning. I make dinner for Sir (and me) every night. I make his lunch every day before he leaves. Same old, same old. The domestic stuff makes me tired, too. I work as much as I can, and I am the only one bringing in an income right now. After work, I do 95% of the household chores. And I'm just...tired. I don't necessarily mind doing all these things, but I suppose I'd like Sir to appreciate that if I'm the one doing pretty much everything, I get more tired after work, and I don't have as much time for leisure and unwinding type activities. When he's relaxing playing Minecraft or something, I'm preparing dinner, making lunches, doing dishes, etc.

I think that I need to change my mindset though. I am still at war with vanilla brain vs. submissive brain. Vanilla girlfriend thinks that Sir should do more, since I do everything. (*And just to make things fair, it's not like Sir is home all day doing nothing; he gets up at 5:30 every morning to attend a prestigious two year scholarship program to advance his career, and it is very taxing. And I am PROUD of him; getting into the school and taking this step was a HUGE deal for him, us, and our future). Subgirl thinks that since it is in my ability and power to do all of these things right now, I should be grateful for the opportunity to make Sir's life better, and revel in that. I am having a hard time with being in the correct mindset though. It is easier to change one's actions than to change one's thoughts, and I would like to retrain my brain, somehow.

I worry though, because Sir and I have talked about me trying to get a job in my old field that would require crazy hours like before, but an increased salary, which we really need. We're not even scraping by right now; I've got applications in to the county assistance office, and we're just relying on his savings until we figure things out. And that is not going to last much longer. So, if I find a position that will help us financially, how will the household be run then? But I digress from the main issue.

Sir and I also think that my new medication may be affecting me (fatigue is listed as a side effect). We also think it may be affecting my libido. I've been really disinterested as of late. It may not be the medicine, but it could be. It's the only thing that has changed in the past couple of weeks.

To combat all this, Sir has placed some new restrictions on me. I am no longer allowed furniture (except the bed when sleeping)... and he has allowed me the computer chair, I suppose. But I cannot sit on the couch, or eat at the dining room table. I put my food on the coffee table and sit there. I should be happy that I am allowed that; I could be eating on the floor. In fact, just writing this makes me feel like in this, I have received too much. Today, I cooked breakfast for us and forgot completely not to sit at the dining room table. After the meal, Sir gave me cornertime. And at first, I was not contrite. At all. I felt annoyed that I had to sit here in the corner for something to silly. But it's not silly, and I shouldn't feel that way. I should have remembered. Sir then put the ball gag in. I was a little bit more contrite then, but definitely not for the right reasons. Was the punishment a deterrent? Absolutely. I defintiely do not want to be standing there for however many minutes wasting time, being uncomfortable and ignored. But I should have been mortified that I forgot, and I wasn't. I suppose I don't see the furniture thing as a big deal yet, and I should.

The second new restriction is this:


I am no longer allowed a collar. I must wear this chain around my neck instead. I must chain myself so that if Sir tugs on the chain, it can not slip up past my chin.

I do not like the chain. I don't mind its appearance, and it isn't terribly constricting, but it is COLD. And for some reason, I've been forgetting to wear it more often. Sir says I am not to wear it to bed (he fears me choking somehow). So at night after my bath, I generally go to sleep. So I don't put it back on. But invariably, I do something else before bed, and there I am, chainless for awhile. With the other collar, I would wear it all the time, no real reason to forget (not that it didn't stop me on a few occasions)

So, I hope these things help me get myself back on track. Though I'm not sure what to do about changing my thought patterns exactly. Maybe a new mantra to do before bed?

4 comments:

  1. Blogging and reading blogs definitely helps me stay in the right mindset. Just the fact that you wrote this post is probably helping you get back on track with what you want. It can be so hard sometimes when the vanilla side tries to get in the way... i try to remind myself that i want this, that i love serving Him, and that following His rules makes Him happy which makes me happy... Hope that helps :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I find the same; I am more aware of and active in my submission when I reflect, blog, and read others. I think putting it "to paper" does help. It makes it real, it makes me accountable, and it gives Sir a clue into my mindset (he reads my blog).

      I think I need to actively work on thinking about HIM when I'm doing things for us and the house. How it makes it easier on him, how it helps him, how happy he'll be when he sees it done, etc.

      Delete
  2. Much like me, you think too much. Much like my Master, He's chipping away at you, bit by bit, taking control and it's not easy. You and i are similar creatures, we want so badly to serve and do it well, but we need to know whyyyy and how comeee and what nowww lol? It's so hard to just "be".
    Honestly, that chain doesn't stay cold does it? It's only cold when you first put it on. The chain is just one more representation of His control over you, one more sign of your submission. You can make the decision early to fight every single step He takes to own you or you can love it. i am NO saint!!! You know this!! i have cried like a baby, i have asked question after question and laid away nights just because i thought something was too uncomfortable to sleep in. Years later, i'm sleeping in something much more restrictive, LOL!
    Like you said, corner time isn't that bad you just need to clear your mind and give up the control, that's the hardest part. For me, it's embarrassing and my only reaction to being embarrassed is being angry or annoyed. It doesn't matter what YOU think you should be doing at the time, what matters is that you are where HE wants you to be. This one is a tough one to wrap your head around too, i know.
    There's a common theme here, yes? Control. i think you're partially right, it is in your thoughts but it's also in your behavior and how you respond to Him in every way. You're never not serving Him, even when you're apart. The way you dress, the way you are thinking about preparing the meal when you get home, etc. You're always working to be a better you, for Him. i know it doesn't matter what i think, but i think you're doing an amazing job!! =)

    Good luck!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha, treasure, you're so right! It is very difficult for me to turn off my brain sometimes!

    I hope with time I can learn to let go an accept more, and not resist, even internally each time. Perhaps it gets easier with time and experience.

    Your thoughts do matter, in that I appreciate them. I look up to you in a way, and even if Sir or myself disagreed, there is always room to think about someone else's idea or point of view.

    ReplyDelete

I <3 comments!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...