Submissive Missions: needles

Showing posts with label needles. Show all posts

Monday, May 16, 2011

Possessives and Breast Play

How do you feel about referring to your body parts in the possessive of your partner? Or vice versa? I used to think it was pretty odd. It’s not that I disapproved of the idea per se, it was more that it can get pretty confusing and awkward in practice, especially if referring to unisex anatomy. Referring to “your ass” is a lot more confusing than “your breasts” for heterosexual couples. Yet a couple of weeks ago I made a comment to the tune of “here is your finger back” (He was holding my fingers and stopped to let me scratch an itch, or something like that). It wasn’t something I thought about, it was just something I said. It has stuck in my brain as soon as it came out of my mouth. I suppose I am starting to think of myself as belonging more to him.

Today, we were having a conversation about nipple piercing, which I really don’t think I could handle. I think the aesthetic could be nice, but I really don’t think I could manage the needle aspect. However, I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, I would try and work on it. It’s not an unreasonable request. It’s not a tattoo, or extremely permanent marking. I could always take the rings out. Though its not something he wishes to put me through (and I can’t say I’m not a bit relieved), I did express the feeling that, essentially, they’re his breasts, and if he wants piercings in them, I should at least try to work on that. In my head, I guess am thinking more along the lines of him claiming me, so that should be a good thing.

I still find my needle aversion a bit odd. I can plan and sit through a tattoo, but nipple piercings make my stomach flip. I don’t know if its just the idea of the needles, or the fear of the pain, or some combination of the unknown. I have come to find that I don’t hate nipple pain. It’s actually something I’ve come to enjoy. When asked (and I seem to always set myself up to reveal extra information), I expressed the desire to have my nipples pinched hard. It’s something I find myself wanting after he’s started to play. So it cannot be just the pain that is causing the fear.

I always get a little bit nervous when I’m about to reveal something about myself, like expressing the nipple pinching desire. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I end up giving him all this extra information. Or I say something that will cause him to seek this extra information, which I will of course end up giving. I end up getting nervous because I suppose that I am afraid that I will be… boring. I guess I feel like my wishes or desires will not be up to par. I also get nervous because I feel like I’m giving him little weapons that he will later use against me (though I usually end up enjoying it). I know I shouldn’t really think in those terms, as he is definitely NOT the enemy, but I always think about how this information will later be used.

A bit ago, I took a big step in this regard. I gift-wrapped a pair of clothes pegs for him to use on me, as I know he really enjoys breast play. I was nervous. It was one thing to talk and give him information that could later be used against me, but another to physically hand him a weapon of my own volition, with forethought. But as usual, he was wonderful about it, and I didn’t even hate the use of them on me… as long as he was the one doing the applying. I tested it out on myself first, with less than stellar results (got to test the weapon before gifting it, right?). I just don’t have the same finesse. There’s just a way about him that really sweeps me off my feet. He puts a lot of forethought into everything he does, so usually my fears are at ease before we try anything new. He talks to me about it first, and he never just springs anything on me. By the time it comes for practice, its all settled into my head, and I’m usually waiting it to happen. Wanting.

I’ve not been disappointed. I hope I don’t disappoint him.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Limits

I’ve been talking with a man that I met on a kink dating website for about a month now, and we met up recently. He’s been a perfect gentleman, which is a refreshing change from how others approach me, vanilla or not. He’s also been very respectful, even when we’ve been discussing our non-vanilla interests. I’ve been spending some time lately thinking more about my interests and limits, hoping they’d mesh well with his interests. What are the things that I really won’t do? I thought I had it covered. No feces, urine, or blood play, which is pretty commonplace. Those were my hard limits. There are other things that I’m not really interested in, but probably could be persuaded to engage in, with the right time, training, and atmosphere. There are also probably loads of things people can do that I’m just wholly unaware about, and the more time I spend educating myself and talking to others, the more my eyes are opened to the variety of this world.

I’ve been spending time finding some blogs that I could relate to, written by people like me. This was really hard for me initially; which is part of the reason I started writing here. I’d been lurking around for months before I actually set fingers to the keyboard. Since then, I’ve actually come across a few that I thought were well written and introspective. I like reading the thoughts of other people that are going through a similar experience, rather than a manual or other books; it’s more real to me. Recently, I saw a post from Intelligent Submission that I found fascinating.

Needle play.

What caught my eye initially was the photograph. I had such an internally violent, stomach flipping reaction that it surprised me. When confronted with the idea of fecal play, though I find it utterly disgusting, repulsive, and in no way would I ever want participate in such activities, I don’t feel like a sense of wrong is visibly fighting its way through my body.

Admittedly, I have a bit of a needle phobia, but I thought I had taken good measures to lessen it. When I was younger, there was one occasion where it took four nurses to forcibly hold me down just to get an injection. Over time, I was able to control my reactions. I would sit relatively calmly and allow bloodwork to be done, though I was freaking out internally. I’ve gotten better. Currently, I am even a regular blood donor. Since my blood type is O negative, they call me a lot in times of need. I even got my ears pierced. I’ve got two holes in each earlobe, plus a cartilage piercing in my right ear. I thought the cartilage piercing would help me overcome this phobia tremendously. I reasoned that if I could willingly allow myself to be pierced with needles, for something recreational and not medical, I would get over it. My next and ultimate step was to get a tattoo, which I’ve done. I’d thought about getting a tattoo for ages, but not only as a tool for overcoming my phobia. I had an idea that I sat on for a good three years before I went ahead and put it on my body. After getting the tattoo, I felt my confidence soar! I definitely felt that my fear was over, and I’ll probably get another one, soon even. After seeing that image, however, I realize that I’ve not come as far as I thought, and I’m not sure I would be willing to go further.

I’m not sure if it’s solely the idea of having the nipple pierced that gets to me. Though I don’t think I would do it, simply looking at nipple piercings does not evoke a knee-jerk reaction in me. It’s actually seeing the pointed ends. I’ve also seen other images where the needles are not sticking out, but I still have those same fearful feelings. Seeing a closed round piercing, or even the ball ended piercings doesn’t evoke the same reaction. It’s the needles themselves.

I have such respect and admiration for the strength and trust that it must have taken for Melissa to willingly have this experience. I can’t currently imagine being in a place where I could do the same, and I’m not sure it’s something I would ever want to confront.