Friday, October 30, 2015


I'm not quite sure what I should say here, but saying something has been on my mind for a while.

I know I've sort of disappeared here. I am still here. I am still ticking. But I'm not really okay.

I went back and re-read my last post. Where I went to my uncle's wake. That day changed my life.

The night of my uncle's wake, my father passed away.

He wasn't sick. He wasn't old (still in his 50's!), and it was a complete side-blinding shock.

We couldn't even find him for an entire day. After my uncle's wake, he wanted to drive home and after a phone call on the road for directions, we never heard from him again.

24 hours later, after calling hospitals, jails, state troopers, we get a call back. He was gone. He didn't suffer. He simply pulled over into a gas station and passed away... peacefully.

I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I guess it just doesn't make me feel worse. I was so afraid. Afraid he had gotten murdered, or had a car accident. At least he just closed his eyes and went. It pains me that he was alone. I worry that he was scared.

We don't even know what actually happened. We finally have the autopsy results (after them getting LOST for a month) and it says "natural causes". They couldn't find anything concrete, though it did say he had cardiovascular issues. My family thinks he probably had a clot. He was complaining that his calf was swollen and painful.

I miss him terribly, and it is all I can do sometimes to get through each day. My relationship with Sir has pretty much deteriorated. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, and we're okay together... but things are just.... different. Not even by choice... I just cant seem to get it together. There is no D/s to speak of.

At first, Sir used his Dominance to keep me from completely shutting down. Telling me to eat, shower, get up, go to work. Stopping me from spending every minute doing things for other people.  But now, I just can't seem to handle it. Not just that, but anything. Our house is a trainwreck. I can't manage cleaning, laundry, shopping for food, making lunches, etc. I don't serve Sir, at all. All the little things we've set up have gone out the window. He fends for himself and spends much of his time now helping me.

I'm not quite sure how to put our lives back. I don't think I can move on. But I can move forward. Sir and I had a conversation a month or so ago. Both he and I thought I was in a place where we could try to move forward. So I tried. And failed.  Miserably.

I think that even without the rest of our lives, coping with this one thing is enough. But it's not just that. Its a 1.5 hour commute each way to work, and adjusting to that new schedule. It's having 2-3 hours a day to deal with my entire life. It's my family being completely dysfunctional and dependent on me at a time where people should be helping me, not the other way around. I can't even begin to get into their bullshit. It's having cars break down and paying over $2500 in the span of 3 weeks. It's having a break-in and getting our things stolen. It's my dad's cat that we took in who claws, vomits, shits, and pees all over the apartment despite taking him to the vet, trying recommended diets, a new bigger litter box, scratchers, toys etc. I am sick of cleaning up cat bodily functions every day.

I just feel like it never ends. I cannot catch a break. I know realistically that I should count my blessings, but some days it is really hard. I have a winter lay-off coming up in a few weeks and Sir and I have decided that if unemployment comes through, I should just take it and the break and try to piece myself back together. I originally was going to work at a different job, but maybe this will be a sort of blessing. How else could I get this kind of time?

I am just... broken. It's been three and a half months. It seems like nothing, and an enormous amount of time all at once. I don't know what I should do to get Sir's and my life back on track. I do know that this right here isn't working.

If I can hold out and get through the next couple of weeks, maybe I'll have the time to figure it out.

At least I do know one thing: through this all, Sir has been amazing. If I didn't want to marry him before (I did), I certainly do now. And he deserves someone who is more with it than I am right now.

So I need to work hard to become that person once more. I hope I can make some progress this winter.

My dad wouldn't want me wallowing in misery; he would be so angry at me right now, letting my life fall to pieces. So for him, and for Sir, I have some work to do, and hopefully the time to do it in a few weeks.
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