Saturday, January 22, 2022

Still Submissive, Even in This Shitshow

 It's been a shitshow around here lately.

We'd been planning our wedding celebration. Fully vaxxed with every safety measure we could put in place (other than just not doing it). My family has been awful - only one aunt and her kids, and my one uncle were going to attend. I have a large family (and most of the folks not attending were not because of the pandemic; I totally get that!)

Three days before the new year, I fell down the stairs at work and injured myself badly. I've been on crutches since, and probably have another few weeks to go. Was going to be on crutches for our celebration.

Jump through hurdle after hurdle to get this celebration going, make peace with being on crutches for our big day and get to the day before our wedding celebration.

And Sir gets Covid. Symptoms overnight, and tests positive that afternoon. We had to cancel everything, and because it was so close to the date, we end up having to pay for the entire thing, too. I get symptoms a few days later and also test positive. It's just so frustrating because we'd been so careful about everything. I'd been self quarantining from everyone while at work (eating alone in my office, etc).

So we're in full quarantine for another week, but finally starting to turn the corner, symptoms-wise. It's just not been a good scene around here. 

I finally hit my breaking point. The point where I could no longer cope with life and everything it seems to throw at us, repeatedly over and over. You try to be positive, and practice gratitude (because sometimes there ARE good things, or you do realize that things could be so much worse!) but the negative has been drowning that out for me.

I had a bit of a breakdown. After increased therapy appointments, I have a shiny new mental health prescription and hopefully I will see a difference in a month.

Our pipes also froze this morning. Just.... come on, man.  We're working on that today, and we're okay. It all just seems like I've pissed off the universe, somehow.


One good moment though, that I want to remember.

Last night, Sir told me he had one task for me today - to empty the dishrack of the dishes he washed. (I got a special hands-free crutch, so I am a little more functional now than when I was on the traditional style crutches).

So, today I go to do it, and I cannot get the tupperware put away (they go in a high cabinet that I need a stepstool to access. I can't use the stepstool with the crutch, though). He told me nevermind, I'll take care of it.

I was determined to do as he asked though. He hasn't given me a task in ages. He's been actually waiting on me hand and foot while I'm healing from my injury. 

For the first time in a while, I felt that need to serve. Sir set me a task, and dangit, I was going to do it. So he agreed to have me just put the tupperwares aside and just get everything else that I could reach. So I did. And I felt fulfilled for the moment.

I was happy because I guess with everything, I feared that part of me, the submissive part, was gone too. 

But she's still in there, somewhere.


  1. Oh Lea, my heart goes out to you, you have been through so much. If the accident wasn't bad enough contracting covid as well! I'm so sorry you had to cancel your wedding celebrations, that must have been devastating.

    Sending positive thoughts for a quick recovery, both from the injury and covid.


  2. Oh good heavens. I hope you get well from all the negativity, the Covid, and that injury! Geez! It must have felt awful. Sending love and healing!


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