Some Struggles and Fears

I've been having trouble with schedule and sleeping.

Sir and I are both the type of people that naturally revert to being night-owls if we don't have day-jobs.

On the plus side, I finally received unemployment! I can actually take this break during the winter lay-off from my job without worrying about finances or looking for other work. We can work on getting us back to us. Work on healing my broken heart. Work on my headspace.

A couple of days ago, Sir and I came back in the house from picking up our Christmas cards. I started cooking and forgot to put my chain back on.

He caught me, and put it back around my neck, close to my throat.

We had dinner, watched some Doctor Who.

After, he made sure to let me know that he didn't forget.

Stripping me bare, he had me stand and get reacquainted with the corner, straddling a small waste-bin we have in the bedroom.

I tried to fight him at first. I'm not sure where the impulse came from.  I fought him from removing my clothes. He "gave up" - but not really. It was more humiliating to stand there, nude except for my socks and my tights around my ankles.

I should feel contrite. He had me stand there for... I'm not sure how long. At least a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. But I didn't feel contrite. At all. I definitely felt like I don't want to forget again, because I don't want to stand there wasting time, but I wasn't feeling bad for not remembering.

My head is not in the right place. I should feel disappointed in myself, and have an urge for doing better. I do have a small urge, but I think it's coming from the wrong place, from not wanting to be punished.. I suppose it will take time for me to get my own head back. I have different thought patterns and new fears.

Last night while I lay awake in bed I blurted out to Sir a fear that I've just been keeping in my head.

I'm afraid of him dying.

I never used to be, not really. I'd worry if I didn't hear from him or if he was out late, but it wasn't a real tangible fear.

Unlike fearing for Sir, I never really worried about my dad dying. I suppose I'm worrying about Sir because of my dad dying though. My dad seemed young; these things happen to other people. I've had deaths in my life but not like this. My uncle died when I was 11; he was about my age when he passed. But I was too young to fully process it I think. After that, I had other relatives pass; all were older though.

The first person to pass away that had a real, lasting grieving effect on me was my Nana, my dad's mother. But she was older, and was terminally ill. It wasn't a surprise or shock. And though I miss her, the pain was less. I could think about her not suffering anymore; at peace. I could think of her long life.

But this pain with my dad is different. I think about how young he was and how him and us were robbed of his future. All the things we'll miss out on. And I guess that's making me worry about losing a future with Sir.

Last night he went to a local game store to play. He gave me a call in the afternoon and said he wouldn't be home until later. This is not an uncommon occurrence. As the time got later however, I kept wondering "what if". What if he didn't come home? What if something happens?

Luckily my fears were not realized, and Sir came home to cuddle, but that didn't stop me from leaking all over his back as we spooned (I was the "big" little spoon).

I guess with time it will all get better. My headspace will improve and hopefully those fears will dissipate.