Sunday, December 13, 2015

Titles and Honorifics

Sir and I were having a discussion about the future and the possibility of a Master/slave dynamic (wayyy in the future). While whatever will or won't happen there is still on the table, it brought us back to an interesting conversation.


Early on, it was decided that I would call Sir, Sir. I'd been just using his first name for months, like any other couple. Then I started calling him "The Dirty Old Man" (which is what I mean when I write The Dom, on here; it's not quite "the dominant"). Transitioning to Sir was not easy for me. While I didn't disagree with the term, getting used to using it and remembering to use it was difficult. Even today, the day I am writing this post over 4 years later, Sir had to prompt me to add "Sir" at the end of a sentence I spoke responding to a question he asked (though I am MUCH better now and I think Sir would agree).

When it comes purely to use of terms in M/s - I've always had problems with both the use of Master and the use of slave/being owned (for me, personally - I find no such issues with others who use the terms for their dynamic). Having the word slave used to describe me always used to evoke a knee-jerk gut reaction of "NO" and "WRONG". Now though... not so much. While I really don't think it accurately describes me and my level of service and I would not be comfortable being referred to as such, my aversion to it is definitely much less.

When it comes to using the word Master, I don't think it is something I would want to use to describe Sir. Even if our dynamic shifted, and we went to a full-on TPE dynamic, I would probably want to use the word Sir. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that, besides the fact that what I call him, is really up to him.

It turns out, he agrees. He prefers to be called Sir. I mean, I knew that of course, as it is what he decided I should call him. Though that came about more by a "Yes, what?" prompting over months while having my hair pulled and being punished rather than a strict "You will call me Sir from now on" conversation (though we did have that conversation, too).

Sir has had one other kink relationship other than me, years ago. I was just about to ask him, "Well, what did J call you?" when he volunteered the information. It's strange that in nearly 4 years this bit has actually never come up before.

But during the course of their relationship, she called him Master.

For some reason I was a bit floored by this. I just didn't expect it some how. Because Sir is... Sir. He did chalk some of that up to them being newbs back in the day and her calling him that in a misguided "this is what you're supposed to do" framework (Twue BDSM and all that, I suppose). He did say that overall, he didn't like it. It didn't feel right to him. Not sure why. Maybe because he hadn't earned it? Maybe because of lack of experience? Maybe because Master for some people (like me) evokes silly association of Dr. Frankenstein's servant. When I say it, this is what I seem to hear in my head: Yes, Master.

I think that his decision to have me call him Sir with our relationship shows his growth and intelligence as a person. He chose what is right for him, and didn't bow to what he thought were the normal conventions.

I do think that this is the right decision. The use of a title or honorific does add to our lives. It puts reverence in addressing him, and adds to the power exchange. It wouldn't be the same if I only referred to him by his given name. Though even if I disagreed, I guess I would have to go with it. He could decide tomorrow that he would prefer to be called Master. Or My Lord. Or Grand General Dragonsfist. Whatever. And I would have to get over myself and do it.

He has an honorific for me, too. Of course he uses my given name. But his general title for me is "Bitch".

"Bitch, come here."

"Bitch, get me a drink."

"I'm proud of you, bitch."

I think in another context it would be seen differently - how could "bitch" be seen as an honorific? But when I hear "bitch", it makes me feel all sorts of wonderful inside. And it reinforces my submissive role. Sir is never cruel with it. Never, "You're a fucking bitch." He never uses it to put me down in an abusive way. It's a title, not an adjective (Though I do understand that its effectiveness in making me feel submissive comes from its use as an adjective).

He could decide to change that, too. Call me something else.  But I suppose it would be okay. I would learn. Because above all, I am his.


  1. Joy and I have struggled a bit with honorifics for some of the same reasons you mention, Lea. "Master" sounds too trite, to comic-book to both of us, I think. Joy tried calling me Master of her own volition one night, and it made us both giggle at a MOST inopportune time. Like you guys, we have settled on "Sir" as the best honorific for Joy to use, though we reserve it for situations in which Joy badly needs to be reminded who is the "D" and who is the "s". I guess Sir enables the feeling of hierarchy called for at the moment without being too over-the-top.

    By the way, I already called dibs on Grand General Dragonfist. I'm just saying...

    1. I think having the hierarchy without being over-the-top is a perfect summation. We do use it all the time however, at least in private.

      Aw, man. I'll have to tell Sir that he can't use that one!


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