I need to stop being such a Negative Nancy. Things are good. Why do I dwell on the downsides?
We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).
I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.
So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.
After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.
Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.
And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.
Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.
I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?
In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.
I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.
I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.
We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).
I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.
So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.
After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.
Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.
And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.
Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.
I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?
In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.
I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.
I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.
Thank you for this post Lea. I've also been feeling lost as we seem to be back to vanilla. I'll take something from this and try harder to get my Bear back in the mood.
ReplyDeleteHugs Lindy
I have those moments - like you said, the longer you go without the more it seems like you will never get it back. I find it easy to get into a cycle of despair. I just have to remind myself that nothing lasts forever and that it takes two of us!
DeleteQ and I are there- where you guys are, honestly I think any couple with a life outside of kink and D/s (family, friends, kids, jobs, etc.) go through this periodically. Living 24/7 is just too damned hard for a lot of us. Q and I are partners, equals, and both responsible for getting our own needs met as well as trying to find healthy, positive ways to meet each other's needs and sometimes life just gets in the way of the fun stuff. It sucks but work happens, tired happens, sick happens, stress happens, and getting overwhelmed happens. We're only human, and I have accepted it as normal and learned not to freak out or get upset or frustrated at any "D/s or sex dry spells", telling myself to just chill, help get us through it, and have faith that as soon as we can get back to that yummy stuff, we will. And we do, and it's still every bit as wonderful every time. Trick is loving and supporting each other through it all.
ReplyDeleteHi Lea, I love the positivity in this post, especially as I tend to dwell on the negatives. Thank you for sharing. There does seem to be a real ebb and flow to ttwd, 'life'happens and much as we may try not to let it, unfortunately gets in the way sometimes. Dominance and submission really do feed off each other so continuing to do things for him and continuing to submit when you aren't feeling his Dominance can help. I glad it seems it did for you :)
ReplyDeleteLove the dress btw, very pretty :)
Hugs
Roz
Thanks. We've have a lot of these "dry spells" and each time it is just so hard for me to accept that this is just part of life. I realize we can't be high protocol 24/7, but there are things that can happy everyday that take just a few minutes. And I forget the things we STILL are, that just feel... normal now. I guess I get complacent and I need to remind myself of what we already have and are. I guess switching things up now and again helps with that.
ReplyDelete