Friday, October 07, 2016

Would You Break Up With Me If...

The other night as Sir and I were laying in bed he asked me:

"Would you break up with me if I quit my job?"

He said that he had no intent on actually quitting his job, but he was curious on my answer.

I know he is not thrilled about his job right now. He feels that he has taken a step back, career wise. He is not really using the training he went to school for. He is actually doing less of a level of work than before he went to school. There is a lot of down time, and he is bored. On top of that, he is having trouble handling the long commute. And it has been tricky for us to spend time together, as he is getting home, and I basically need to go to bed an hour later. I understand that him not being satisfied with his career will be a long term problem. We've talked about him staying there until he finds something else.

So, my reply to him was ultimately, "It depends... why did you quit?"

If he was quitting because of a hostile work environment, okay. If someone was being abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually, okay. I can understand that.

But quitting because you don't like it?

I don't think I could handle that. I've supported us by myself for two years. For over half of that time, I had a job that not only did I not like, I downright hated. I cried after work regularly. And I couldn't quit. Sir had even said he wanted me to (though he realized that it was unrealistic). But I couldn't, because who would actually take care of us? I had to just ride it out until I got lucky enough to find something I love. And it was luck. I could easily still be doing that other job that was slowly sucking out my soul.

So, if he did quit because he just didn't like the job, I don't think I would end our relationship immediately. But I could definitely see it causing an eventual break-up. I would see it as him not being willing to put in equal effort for the household. To take me for granted and continue to just allow me to do everything, which is getting REALLY old before he even got this job. (If he is gonna be the home person, there are different expectations).

Part of me worries that him not liking his job would do really bad things for his mental state though... and then I wonder, would it be okay then? Well, of course if it means he'd deteriorate to a level where he'd harm himself - don't stay. But selfishly, I wonder if I could be with a partner where that is a real issue all the time. We've had a scare like that last year and it was fucking terrifying. Part of me feels like a horrible person for admitting that, but it is the truth. Mental illness runs in my family, and I don't know if that is a life I would really want for myself. Sir has been more or less good for over 6  years now, though, so it is probably a non-issue.

I think my main concern is I need and wish for Sir to be a strong person. Not every instant of every day of course, but in general. And if he can't handle staying at this job, like he couldn't get through school, or get things done while having unlimited free time as the home person... this is definitely going to be an issue with me.

Right now, I have good days and bad days in the way I feel about our relationship and our future. I think this is normal. Sir found a job. It is a well paying job with benefits. Him working there means he can have health insurance (which he needs, more than I do). It means we have a decent income. We can pay down our debts. We can live a little more comfortably. We can save for a future - a wedding, a house, a marriage. It affords us lots of stability in more ways than one. Him asking me a question like that makes me worry about him and his mental state, however.

It is a big transition and change for Sir, and he doesn't handle change well. He is having a hard time dealing with the commute. While I do commiserate, as I definitely get having a long shitty commute, part of me just wants to laugh. Suck it up, buttercup. My commute is STILL longer than yours. On the other hand, I think it took me a full year to get the hang of it. I'm only sort of able to handle life now. But I'm doing it, somehow.

Hang in there, baby? It gets better?

So, I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I'm not sure how to sort them all out. I even fear putting this out there for Sir to read, since I think it might play on his insecurities more than helping him. But he wants to know how I feel, even if I have lots of feelings and some of those feelings make me feel like a bad person.

Update: We had a long talk, and it helped. A lot. He had no idea that what was to him, a simple random question had such significance for me. It prompted a talk on those issues, and a lot of other things in our relationship that I was feeling dissatisfied with - maybe all of those things snowballed and are causing me to be a bit sensitive lately.


  1. Hi Lea, I'm sorry your Sir isn't happy in his job and I can totally understand your concerns. I'm so glad you talked through those concerns together. It turned out to be a good thing that he asked the question.


    1. Thanks, Roz. We usually do talk, about pretty much everything. Communication typically isn't an issue for us, but I suppose we were on different wavelengths here.


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