Sunday, October 02, 2011
Love and Expectations - Can They Be Meshed?
"I love you."
"But not enough to remember [blank]...?"
I think in most conventional vanilla relationships, the answer is definitely a blanket "No".
But in a D/s relationship, I think it gets harder.
Upon Googling this issue, I came across some articles discussing this. One of them has some questions to ask.
It seems to me that the problems I'm reading with "If you loved me, you would do X", stem from a perceived inequality in the relationship. There isn't an equal give and take. Someone feels like they're doing more work than another, are not getting what they want/need, etc.
But in a D/s relationship, the parameters are set up differently. One side gives more and the other takes more. Yes, it's not 100% one way or the other ALL the time, but there is an inherent inequality in power and structure.
Another article gives the idea that "If you loved me..." really means that needs aren't being met and a punishment is trying to be given for that to control the situation. Tricky, tricky.
There is a different set of parameters for providing for needs and punishments for bad behaviors that in a vanilla relationship just don't work in the "If you loved me" context.
However despite all that, I still don't believe that it works for a D/s relationship either. It's a tricky situation, because the relationship is set up much differently. But I feel that love is too strong a feeling to be manipulated like that. Especially in a D/s relationship. The feelings are so much more intense that falling from that brings much more hurt. I think it can also be difficult because some of setting up a D/s context is psychological so its a fine line to decide and walk on, one that can really have a bad result. I just don't think a non purposeful negative behavior can healthily be tied into love for another. Obviously if you do something on purpose, that's a different story.
When someone forgets to do something (like remembering to say Sir), it's not because they don't love you enough. Saying so can be very hurtful to the person, especially if they feel they truly do have strong feelings of love. Now the person feels hurt because they're wondering why it's not enough. What could be wrong with them? Why aren't you seeing that they DO love you? Not remembering has nothing to do with love. It just creates a mess for your relationship.
I think its best to avoid tying love for someone into their performance or actions (especially if its not something done purposefully) whether you're in a D/s relationship or not. It can really hurt them and the relationship if not addressed.
Obviously, this issue is something that was prompted by my real life experience. The other night, I didn't say, "Sir" after saying, "I love you, too."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"... but not enough to remember Sir?"
I immediately had an awful reaction.
"But that's not right! I do love you and its not fair!...etc"
The statement was immediately retracted by Sir and he said that it was wrong of him to say that. I began to cry because I do love him. In all honesty, I have such strong feelings for him sometimes that it amazes me. I really never thought that I would feel strongly like this for anyone, ever again. I thought that there was possbily something wrong with me; that I was "broken" because I was just so cynical of relationships, and those feelings wouldn't form. Now, maybe I was just meeting the wrong guys. Or maybe I wasn't getting what I needed as a submissive person to feel fulfilled in these relationships. Either way, this has been such a blessing in my life that to have it questioned just rattled me to the core.
He agreed that to question my love for him in that manner was wrong. It was also a bit of a miscommunication in that he was trying to say something else. I can see why its a tricky situation, but I'm glad we're on the same page now.