Starting Clean

Sir is giving it a shot to get us back on track; D/s wise. I have my doubts, but I will always give us a shot.

I've been thinking about my role in keeping us on track as well. It can't be all on him. But, I do have to trust that he will not become apathetic in putting me in my place when I get out of line. And I will get out of line - whether from becoming busy, not making time, forgetting myself, being cranky... what have you. It happens to everybody.

It can be an easy thing to say to oneself that you will just listen all the time, and not forget yourself, and be on task. But it's not that easy. Yet... things that are worth doing are usually difficult; it makes it worth the doing.

Things have gotten busy. I went from working every weekend, to transitioning to a one weekend per month deal. Until that takes effect in a few weeks, I'm still working weekends, and I have to train the new person to hire me. My full time job has just... exploded in terms of tasks, responsibility and tensions. I gave up my volunteer position, too.  I'm also moving. I get the keys tomorrow, and have until Oct 31st to be out of my current place. But hopefully with all these changes I'll have more time to myself, and more importantly, more time for Sir and I to be together.

Sir tried to surprise me with passes to the Geeky Kink Event. However, due to the privacy protections they have (which is a good thing), he couldn't get me tickets without my consent. Still, it was a very nice gesture. I'm actually nervous about attending, but excited too.

Lately, our D/s side of things have been random instances when we're together. Nothing with a regular schedule. But I still relish the irregular - I'd rather have those random times to cherish than be vanilla altogether. Maybe we'll get our shit together this time. I've found that yes, I CAN be vanilla... but I don't want to be. I'm not as happy. And I find a dissonance in our relationship when we're totally vanilla. I love Sir, and I do love our vanilla sides, but I don't think we can be only that. I have a hard time in a relationship where someone can't/doesn't put me in my place. I'm happier and I have more respect for my partner when they're in control; making decisions in our best interest, having me serve him, making me do the things that are best for me, even if I don't like it. Some small part of me still does, inside.

In that vein, I have given Sir all that I've owed him up to this point, punishment wise. It was valuable to help me feel like we are wiping the slate clean. I had to help him engineer my punishment:

That's 120-grit sandpaper that we duct taped to the inside of my shirt. And then, of course I had to turn my shirt right-side-out. For over 2 hours, while we just did mundane things. And he made sure to tickle me now and again so I'd be wiggling more.

The sandpaper wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't something I enjoyed. But the duct tape - that was awful. It stuck everywhere, and pulled. Ugh. We went through 2 other trials before engineering this solution to accomplish his desire. I finally had to ask him what exactly he wanted, physically, so I could assist him. At first the sandpaper was duct taped directly to my body - but that wouldn't allow for much movement. Pulling that tape off was awful - much worse than the sand paper. Then he put it inside my bra - but the same issue with lack of movement wasn't allowing for his desired effect. He got what he wanted by having the sandpaper inside my t-shirt, but the tape still stuck everywhere.

At least I feel like I've given him what he was owed. We can start fresh. He also likes it when I have a hand in my own punishments. It is my nature to speak up, even if it's to my detriment.

Today he bound me and forced me to take a nap. He's right - I don't relax enough. And there are far worse things he could have me bound for than napping in his bed, cuddled up with his scent all around me.