Monday, November 11, 2013

Movement and GKE

I have internet again!

I recently moved, and its been quite a process. Finding a place, painting and renovations, the actual move, and now: unpacking and setting things up. I love decorating and such, so this has been fun, though tiring. Sir and I still live in separate homes, but this move overall is great for me. Bigger better space. Wonderful neighborhood. Closer to work! Less gas and no tolls!

Sir and I are still an hour apart, which isn't great, but at least we're not farther apart. We are planning on getting a place together in  a different state, in about a year or so. Realistically - probably two years. Though I'd rather it be this summer.

I've now had three work-free weekends, and I have to say; it's wonderful. The first weekend was the move. Then Sir and I went to the Geeky Kink Event (which was awesome). Then we had this past weekend together (also awesome). Perhaps we can actually spend time together if I'm not working 6 - 7 days a week!

I had such a great time at the Geeky Kink Event! Initially, I was ridiculously nervous. I nearly had a panic attack while packing. I didn't even pre-pack because somehow in my brain, not packing meant not going yet, and then I don't have to freak out if we're not going  yet. Sir was displeased, as one of our rules states that I will be ready if we're to leave for an event before he arrives. He has been much better about making me accountable, and less lenient - though he does give me a reprieve now and again if there's a really good reason.

I'm still uncomfortable with my sexuality and how I define myself. Every day, I get better and more accepting of myself, my desires, and the type of relationship that I want, but it's been a struggle. Couple that with going to a publicly Kinky event, and my heart starts to race in a bad way. I don't know if it was officially labeling myself to "the world" as something to which I'm still becoming comfortable, or the possibility of being outed, but I think my fears can rest. Firstly, no one at such an event is going to harshly judge me and my proclivities. Secondly, while I did meet someone at this event from my vanilla life, I doubt that its going to lead to bad stuff in my vanilla life. For one, they were also there, and their main link to my life is as a sibling to someone I know that would have no personal gain from screwing with me, and has been a good friend in the past.

Once we got there, I calmed down. Mostly. There was a bonfire that I crept close to for warmth. Sir stayed by me, and we socialized a bit. Saw vendors.

Saturday I got my nerd on and wore a Kaylee Frye dress that I altered a few months ago. There were so many neat workshops! And... the ball pit! Easily the most fun thing for me. The workshops were very informative, and I learned a lot. Sir and I went to a Fast Rope workshop in the evening, and by the end of it frustrations came out that forced us to talk more about our relationship. Not that we don't talk - but some of the topics weren't previously expressed in such a clear way. Though the venue and mechanism for this talk weren't ideal - in the middle of a con due to frustrations in a workshop - I don't regret it. Sir was having trouble with some of the rope mechanics. The point of the workshop was communicating intent, but since he was so focused on rope mechanics, that part was lost for us. Things escalated quickly and a recurring issue of us not spending enough time together (coming out because if we spent more time together, he'd have more practice and be better able to do stuff like this), came to a head. He was just frustrated because it brought to light how we haven't been spending enough time together. It allowed us to talk and for me to express my hurt. I gave up my weekend job and volunteer position so that we could have more time together. It was very difficult for me to do so, and I still miss the work. But he's worth it. And, having that time to reconnect takes... well time. With more available weekends, things will get better. It hasn't been long, but I think they are getting better. We also talked about my need for continuity and D/s things during the week. He finally checked his messages (that I sent back in June), to help him with ideas in this vein. I don't want to top from the bottom, but I do want to help him. No need to reinvent all the wheels if there are resources out there. It's only been a week, but I think we're finally headed in the right direction. He's reviewing and possibly revising my old rules, and I have noticed him being much more on his game, even in the past few weeks.

Sir was able to find a ball gag that actually fit into my mouth as well! It's a training gag, so there are 3 different sizes. The smallest one was small enough to get into my mouth. Perhaps with time, I could get to the middle sized gag. I don't think the large one is ever going to fit, though. Sir is so pleased with the gag. He's wanted to gag me forever, and since I have an anatomically small mouth, that's been difficult to do with most products that were on the market. He's tried some DIY stuff, but for reasons other than the gag itself, it didn't go well. Getting back to the hotel room and trying it out was an experience. I am very talkative, so it was difficult for me to not talk. It was also funny, as I still tried to talk - it was just incomprehensible. Sir says that I am more willing to let go and vocalize in a non worded manner when gagged, which he likes. What was most frustrating of all though - I couldn't kiss him! I love kissing. He made sure to kiss me all over my face and body, and especially on my lips, as it was driving me crazy. I think he's got a fun new way to torture me. There are downsides to the gag though - the straps really bite into the corners of my mouth, and I fear saliva going everywhere. Drool isn't really sexy. I have enough leverage to more or less prevent myself from drooling, but if we get to the bigger gag, that leverage will be gone.

I'll write more about Sunday of GKE later (don't want to turn this into a full-on novel), but I'll end with this:

We did get something out of the Fast Rope Workshop after all! (the presenter was excellent, the issues were our own). I was able to do this to myself behind my back! Sir is usually the one doing all the ties, but I was able to show him my capability this weekend.

Also, if you know you're going to rope bottom, know that wearing a dress will lead to inevitable bunching and fabric awkwardness.

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