March Questions: When Did You Know You Were Kinky? First Kink Relationship?

Trying to get these questions answered before the end of March (not sure if that will happen, but I do promise to answer them all)!

I have two questions to answer today (they both kind of related to one another).

Olivia asked:

When did you first know you were kinky - what happened that made you recognize it? Is there a story to tell?

Amy asked:

Is this your first relationship like this, or were there others beforehand? How did the very first one come about?

For me, kink wasn't something I was always fully aware of. There are those people who always knew that they were different; that their wants/needs were out of the societal norm, so to speak. I was not that way.

I cover a little of this in my first post on this blog ever: A Bit of Backstory. I wrote this post before I had really started dating Sir (though we were already "talking" at that time).

I'd  had a string of failed relationships, with mostly good guys. But time and time again, they just didn't work for me. I have an outgoing, dominant personality, which I worked hard to cultivate, and is hard to let go of, now. I am typically confident and like to get shit done. And the men I was dating... well not so much. And there was always something lacking for me, something left to be desired.

The first guy I ever dated was a dreamer. Head in the clouds, kinda unrealistic. Never grew up. And I, well I did. Grow up. I see that I ran a little roughshod over him now, I was kind of the boss. We did a few kinky things, here or there in our 2.5 years together. Never anything consistent.

There was a guy after this fellow that I... engaged with... I'm not quite sure what the hell to call it, to this day. We were not in a romantic relationship. I cared for him deeply. I am not quite sure that I don't still care for this guy deeply, though I haven't seen/spoken to this guy for years (Sir is quite aware of this, just for context). It is clear to me now that he was definitely into D/s. And a lot of our interactions opened up this side of me that I didn't really know existed. I liked to give him power. I liked to please him. But he was a sociopath, and ultimately I couldn't trust him and I was damaging my own mental health. So I "broke up" with him. Which was strange and awkward because he made it clear that he was not my boyfriend. So I ended our friendship, effectively. But I never got over it, and I don't know if I ever fully will. I had a dream about this guy last night, in fact. What timing.

The next guy was an artist. But didn't really have his shit together; he still doesn't, though I care for him as a friend to this day. He was a little kinky; liked rough sex. The first time we were together I had such bruises (that I enjoyed), that when a friend accidentally saw them she was shocked, to say the least.

The man after that was someone I knew since I was 12 (and he was 13). He had a high libido and an interest in anal, but other than that, pretty vanilla. But again, still floundering in life. I helped him as much as I could, but didn't think we had a future together.

The last man (this is the last man I dated before Sir) was someone who kinda had his life together. Our first sexual encounter had him being very dominant, very physical. I found I really liked this. He was ultimately a cheating asshole, who broke up with me because I had "trust issues".

With each of these men, there were times they behaved dominantly, and I was always very very into this. I always wanted more, but didn't know how to get it. With each of these men, I also recognized that most of them didn't have their shit together, and I often had to boss them around, help them with their life. Which I hated. There is something very sexy about a man who has it together, or who is very self-motivated to work towards his goals.

So after that last failed relationship, I really started thinking about what I liked and disliked. I think it was around this time I quite literally stumbled onto some BDSM fiction stories. I was googling Harry Potter stuff, of all things, and a fanfic came up in the search list that was very adult in nature. I read it; it spoke to me. I started thinking more and more about a relationship like that; a real one with trust.  I would say the relationship I had with the man I was NOT dating was probably the closest thing before Sir. I started doing research and reading online. And I spent time on dating sites looking to see if there were men out there into this sort of thing. There were. Oh, there were.

I went on a few very awkward dates. Then, Sir contacted me. He was polite. He understood grammar and punctuation. He spent a lot of time talking to me (an entire month) before suggesting we meet. When we did meet, he was an absolute gentleman. We went on four dates before he even kissed me (on the cheek!). He took time to get to know me. We talked about our vanilla lives, and our kinky interests. We filled out BDSM checklists together. And we just kept on seeing each other.

Seven years later, here we are. Most of my BDSM experiences are with Sir, barring the very few things I tried with the men I dated before him. I find that the more we try and the longer we're together, the more my tastes evolve. Over time, I have recognized that I was probably always into bondage, but I didn't know it. I liked being in confined spaces. I liked being tied, and would fiddle and tie myself with my dress strings, etc. I always kind of liked a little pain. I liked not being in control. Most of my fantasies involved a man being in control of me; telling me what to do, etc.

So for me, it was a slow awakening that took years! I started dating Sir and really exploring this head-on when I was 27. I realize there are folks that come to this way later in life, and I am thankful that I found this earlier on. It has fulfilled me in such a deep way. My relationship with Sir is so much more intimate, honest, and open because of BDSM. I don't think I could be in a purely vanilla relationship again.

I hope this answers the questions, Olivia and Amy!